Help to manage depression anxiety!!

Footyfan23 · ‎10-09-2015

Things in my life are just getting harder and harder at the moment. I recently lost my job and things have gone down hill since. I have always put on a smile and tried to make people any people that I meet smile but deep down I feel as if I am slowly rotting from the inside its getting harder and harder to put a smile on when all I want to do is break down. I moved away from my family 2 years ago with my girlfriend and I have recently fallen out with my father which has only added more stress and anxiety in my life I live 3 hours away from my family which is starting to take its toll. My girlfriend is the most amazing person in the world and my best friend but she has had health problems recently and the last thing she needs is me sharing my problems on top of her own. I tried to speak to my mother about the anxiety I have been feeling and all she said back to me was that everyone in our family has it (she didn't understand) I feel alone and lost and worthless with no end in sight. I need something someone to talk to because it's all getting too much.

TheSteve · ‎10-09-2015

Hi Footyfan,

Thanks for sharing your story. As young men, we do put a lot of pressure on ourselves to lead a certain type of life; to provide a certain life for our family/partner and ourselves; to have a certain type of job; to be on an upward trajectory at all times; and so on. What we don't yet know given our youth, is that many, many things are dependent on circumstances and events beyond our control; by timing; and by luck.

Losing a job sucks. But there will be other jobs. We often cling to things that are impermanent (like jobs), not realizing that they have no permanence, and can end at any time. Realizing this, accepting this, may not take the pain of loss away, but it certainly helps us reconcile what happened and to understand that it can happen to anyone, at any time. We/you are not alone in this.

Given you have a physical distance between yourself and your family, but could seemingly use some support right now, this adds another element of complexity to your situation. Conflict with your father doesn't help. It is a culmination of events, at the same time, that tend to put us in these sticky emotional situations.

Just like these situations creep up on us, bit by bit, until they feel like they are out of control, we must learn to relax in such situations and deal with each of the issues one by one. It is not possible to try to solve all of these issues overnight, we must chip away at the problems.

First, go and find yourself a good counselor to talk to. Lay all of your problems and perceived problems on the table, and get some help in just getting your head wrapped around them.

Second, keep talking with your partner as well as your mother. Frame the issues you feel you are experiencing, and see what they can offer in regards to each one, individually. Also, see if you can make up with your dad. He was a young man once, and will understand your situation and can likely help you out. Put your issues with him on the back-burner and ask for his help if you can.

Third, try to relax within the situation. Understand that the situation is temporary, and can not last forever. Every day, things are changing - some for the better.

When you feel up to it, start applying for new jobs. Take something with light responsibilities at firs, if needed, and work your way back up. You are young, and don't need to start at the top.

Come back and chat anytime, please break down the problems you face and let's see if we can help you, one at a time.

Steve

Mares73 · ‎10-09-2015

Dear Footy fan welcome to Beyond Blue & thank you for trusting us to share your experience. It sounds as though you are experiencing depression & anxiety-compounded by your relationship with your father & your recent job loss. Many of us will relate to putting on the happy mask for others when inside ourselves we are far from real happiness. Depression doesn't discriminate. I was a highly functioning person seen as very sociable etc until I hit a wall where I couldn't pretend anymore. The first important questions are do you have a GP you can talk openly with about how your feeling? Because one of the great features of this site is there is a list of Gps highly trained in dealing with mental health & they are listed all over the country. Seeing one of them would be a big step forward. There's also a list of psychologists & so on which if you start with a Gp you will be given a plan to see a psychologist for 10 sessions under medicare & then another 4 if necessary. As much as we tend to try & hide how we feel-an experienced Gp can make all the difference. The other consideration is medication. It's natural to initially see this as something you don't want. Yet in my experience & that of many-medication is a key integral part of treatment & aids recovery. It's a matter of finding the right one for you. There is too much stigma around medication. It is no different from other illnesses such as diabetes where medication is integral as well as lifestyle changes. You have taken the first step to recovery by reaching out. That takes courage. Next is acceptance & professional support. We are here also to offer as much support as we can. I understand the stress, isolation & despair that you feel at times. Be easy on yourself, try to spend some time each day doing things you enjoy. And remember we are always here to listen if you feel like some support. Hope you stay in touch & are able to see a Gp soon. Take care, Mares x

Neil_1 · ‎10-09-2015

Hi there footy fan

That’s awesome that you’ve come here – you’ve initially come to the right place. I’ve gotta also say straight up, that I LOVE your user_name; and despite the fact that we are feeling ultra low and crap, at least we do have the upcoming Footy Finals to look forward too. But having said that I know for me, it can become a bit of a downer when they conclude and they’re over for another 6 months, so it’s imperative NOW that you begin to install other mechanism to help support yourself.

I’m guessing you and your girlfriend have moved away due to work? Was that for the job you had or is it your girlfriend’s? Is that still the case for you being away from your fam? Cause if not, is it possible for you both to move back?

I’m hearing you loud and clear re: not wanting to bring your girlfriend down by you unloading out in front of her. Just on that, I hope she is seeking out supports for herself, is she has been having health problems?

And this is where this comes in for you as well – have you been to see a GP at all? I think this is a crucial step for you – coming here was great and you can receive loads of support, messages and even advice, if we’re able too – but the next step for you I believe is to go and check out a GP and try to get some professional help happening. If you’re unsure about GP’s, on this site, Beyond Blue have a list that you can search through and hopefully find one or more GP’s in your local area. The thing with these GP’s is that they are all experienced in dealing with mental health issues and so they’ll be best able to advise you on the next step forward.

I hope I’ve been able to say something of note here and would really like to hear back from you.

Neil

brendoo · ‎10-09-2015

Hi there,

For me Depression had hit me well over 8-10 years ago at the age of 27, however I have only sought medication in the past 3 - 4 years on and off. I have wonderful wife who would fly to moon and back to make me happy and always has been supportive of me. Nothing is ever to hard for her and she is definitely is a true reflection of her parents. So, why am I struggling to see her as the one for me. It breaks my heart, and brings me to tears as a grown man to ever think if I walked away how it would destroy her world. She ticks every box of what I want in a wife, so having these feelings of wanting to walk away frighten me. I have sort counselling one on one, and this has helped, but I only seem to do this when I get to this stage. It comes in waves which is frustrating, and normally around either our anniversary, or even on and prior to our wedding. I have always ran in the past from my problems/fears and I chose not to run from her. Am I just sticking around because I don't want to hurt her, or is the depression really causing me to cloud my thinking?

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has felt like this, so any help would be great. I'm thinking of going back to counselling for myself, as I know I don't want to run from this and face it head on.

Cheers,

Brendoo

TheSteve · ‎11-09-2015

Hi Brendoo,

Thanks for sharing mate. In your shoes, I would head right back to counseling and put it all on the table - feelings, desires, impulses etc. Talk it through.

Never, ever make major life decisions if you are feeling as though you are in a funk. Certainly do not harm your relationship unless you are absolutely, 100% certain that you must end it.

Be sure to work toward finding the underlying causes of the thoughts/feelings. The causes are likely different to what you think they are, and what you attribute the blame to.

All the best to you.

Steve

brendoo · ‎11-09-2015

Thanks Steve.

My wife and I met online over 3 years ago, as finding someone in my own church was difficult. We share same beliefs which was important. The thing that kept me pursuing this relationship was that I laid my past down on an email of all my hurts, disappointments, and life scars. This was one of the first times i had opened up with a stranger but felt at ease. I thought to myself if i put my life on the table, she would either walk or stay. She chose to stay. That meant alot. I come from a family background of divorce, which has always hindered my thoughts. If makes me think if i just stay single , i can't hurt anyone. Now that I'm married, I'm so scared of following the normal pattern of my family it literally brings me to tears of the thought of walking away. I had always wanted to be a new link in the chain and start a future without the fear of divorce. I have booked in for counselling next week. I've also learnt not to Google your issues, as there is a lot out there on the Web encouraging people to walk away if you want happiness. I'm not a quitter, so I will seek all the help physically, medically, and spiritually I can.

I know in the past I have got myself involved with potential dates online and never followed up as it was not healthy and moved to quick. With My wife was the first that I emailed and chatted well before meeting, and even then i didn't have the urge to run.

I just wish my clouded thinking would go away so I van see clearly.

Sorry for ling response.

Cheers, Brendoo

TheSteve · ‎11-09-2015

Brendoo,

Good for you man, go and see your counselor. Very smart.

Just because divorce has occurred in your family, this does not mean you are destined for divorce, too. No way. All behavioural chains are eventually broken, but it takes character and courage to break unhealthy chains and habits. You clearly have both character, and courage.

The internet chat rooms are full of those who do not know, nor care in certain cases. I am sure many mean well, however, the fact that "unhappiness" should be grounds for immediate divorce, is garbage. I've been married 10+ years, I've been unhappy during periods of my marriage. Sometimes I am unhappy with my wife, for certain reasons. Sometimes, I hold onto the negatives for too long. So does she. Periods of unhappiness are completely NORMAL. Perpetual unhappiness is not. There is a big difference.

Find out where you lie on the spectrum. You clearly love and respect your wife, and it seems she feels the same for you. A good partner is hard to find. Often times, working through difficult patches makes our relationships better long term.

By the way, it was never meant to be easy. There is much reward on the other side of adversity.

All my best to you.

Steve