Struggling

[Arbutus]

Here I go - my first post.  I've been on other community forums before, quite a bit in fact, but I feel quite vulnerable here for some reason.  It feels awkward.  Anyway I am struggling so I will attempt to tell my story in the hope of getting some support.

I am a 60 year old woman.  I live alone with my 2 old doggies and work part time.  I had a chronic illness, which I have now conquered and cleared, but I have residual fatigue which limits my ability to work.  I am generally quite well, pretty fit, and on the surface I appear comfortable. 

Inside, however, I am feeling extremely isolated and this is causing anxiety and depression.  I have quite a good job but no job security so I'm never certain when it will end so I am always on the lookout for something else.  But because I am limited to part time work I find the opportunities are limited and when I do apply for jobs I don't even get an interview.  I live in a nice little house that I rent but again I have had no security here as the landlord didn't renew my lease.  I have a difficult relationship with him because he treats me like I'm an idiot so now I am trying to move and this is causing me a lot of anxiety.

Those are the two main sort of big-ticket items, but really it is my whole life that is getting to me.  I'm just so unhappy.  I have very few friends and pretty much nobody to talk to.  I take my dogs to the dog park every day and there used to be a really good group there who I got quite close to, but over time the dogs passed away and the group dissolved and now my dogs & I walk by ourselves.

My family all lives overseas.  For a few years we were all in touch regularly with an active email loop.  But now in the age of mobile devices the emails are all shorter and they often don't reply at all. They have each other and I have often tried to convey to them that I would appreciate more contact but I don't get anywhere with that.  A recent trip to visit them was excruciatingly frustrating for me and I cried myself to sleep each night while I was there.

I am seeing a counselor, just started last week.  I will continue that, with another appointment next week.  He is lovely but I feel my issues are quite deep and will take some time to peel away the layers.  I'm struggling in the meantime and not coping well.  I get anxious and panicky and start crying and can't stop.  Even meditation isn't helping and I am trying to address my social isolation but so far it all feels too hard.

Thanks for your help.

[huge]

Hi Arbutus,

Sorry to hear about all of this I really feel for you

Have you considered seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist rather than or as well a counselor? I would imagine that with some serious directed therapy maybe you could start to truly address some of whats going on internally, and at a point you may find that you're feeling a bit better within yourself and are able to deal with some of the exterior problems you're facing work, family and living-wise and really get back on track. Strategies like meditation can be very hard if you really aren't feeling good at all. I understand how frustrating things must be for you right now but I can assure you that help is out there!

I have total faith that you can work through this!

[White_Rose]

Dear Arbutus

Thank you for your post and welcome to Beyond Blue. You sound very lonely and unhappy. I hope the people who write here can help and support you.

Yes I can relate to your struggles. I expect many people here will also relate to your story. The Black Dog is an artful beast, no respector of persons and can drag you down very quickly. So our job is to bring it to heel. No mean feat to accomplish.

You have started on your journey by seeing a counselor. Even getting to know this person takes a little time before you feel comfortable and that is also frustrating. I know I expected some magic effect from the psychologist that would cure me in a heartbeat. No such luck. So I struggle on. To quote one of my favourite singers, Some days are diamonds, some days are stone. I try to remember the good days but it does not always work.

At the moment I am re-evaluating my life and what I want from it. Not an easy task. Some doors have been shut in my face and I am nervous about about other potential avenues. Makes for an anxious and emotional time.

I notice you practice meditation. Is there a group near you that practices the same type of meditation? I practice Christian Meditation and I belong to a group that meets weekly to meditate. This is a huge part of my support network, though I'm not sure if they realise how much I depend on them. If you are interested in this practice you can look up Australian Christian Meditation Community. There is a list of meditation groups in all states. This may be something which you would enjoy and find some friendship.

I retired from work 15 years ago. I try to keep busy because I know that being at home all day would drive me nuts. So I make an effort to go out, even if it is just to sit and watch the sea. I am lucky living on the coast. I 'get' the problem of tiredness. Earlier in the year I had surgery for breast cancer followed by radiation treatment which left me feeling very tired and too lethargic to do much. Sadly this gave my depression another boost and I am trying to get myself back on track.

Have you applied for govt housing? At least this would give you security of tenure. If your landlord is not going to renew your lease, plus your disability, should put you high on the list for accommodation. It's certainly worth trying.

Do you have any hobbies or interests? I enjoy reading, needlework, scrapbooking and gardening, and I attend an exercise class once a week to maintain some fitness.

Love to hear from you again.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Arbutus,

I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to the community here.

Mary has given you a few ideas of places to meet people and things you could do to help with your depression.

I'm sorry to read you are in a situation where you are unsure of your accommodation and work security. That is certainly difficult for anyone to live with. My husband has been unemployed for some time and we recently thought we might have to sell up and downsize, so I know a little about how you feel.

I have recently been hospitalised due to my depression and had my boss phone to say that if I was to take more time off work and needed to spend time in hospital, then I could look for different employment! As we live in the country, employment is hard to come by!

Regarding meeting up with other people, some libraries have different activities happening in them these days. Is there a neighbourhood or community house near you? You could contact your local council to see what is available.

Have you ever thought of doing some volunteer work? You get to meet new and interesting people that way.

Some Churches have coffee mornings, or craft mornings. You don't have to be of the faith to join.

It is a shame about the dog park. Hopefully some new people will come along whom you can talk to.

I'm sorry to read how things are with your family. That must really hurt you at times.

Hopefully you will feel comfortable to get back to us. I have never been on any other forum so don't know how the working of this one compares to others.

Cheerio for now, kind regards, from Mrs. Dools

[Arbutus]

Thank you all for your kind replies, and I apologize for my slow response.  It has been a crazy week!

The counselor I have started seeing is a psychologist - I guess I should have said that.  My first chat with him was really positive, although it felt a bit like when you see a mechanic and your car stops making the noise, or the tap stops dripping when the plumber arrives.  I was in a fairly good space at that time and we had a nice talk where he encouraged me to get out more and even start dating.  I took it all on board and looked into the local U3A group which I joined.  They have a lot of different classes so I'm sure I'll find something interesting - once I'm okay again.

I fell with such a thud after that, with so many things going on.  My landlord was uncooperative and, in my opinion, abusive, which brought me to tears.  I felt so anxious and exasperated and fell to pieces.  (I have looked into community housing but my income exceeds the qualifying amount by $7!!  Perhaps I'll have another look at that though.  Thanks for the suggestion, White Rose.) 

 Now my landlord has decided he wants to move back into the house so he is putting pressure on me to hurry up and get out!  I have put in another application for a house that I would share with a woman I know and I'm waiting to hear.  That causes me some anxiety too.  Although she is a lovely person, I have lived alone for quite some time and I am very nervous about sharing my space.

When I saw my psychologist this week I was a mess.  This time I was disappointed.  I felt like we didn't connect and he didn't have the tools to help me get on track.  I'm not sure if I will go back to him next week or if I will perhaps wait a little while then see if he can help with other stuff.  He just wasn't that helpful in a crisis, unfortunately.

 Re volunteer work, I have been extremely active in that regard for years, but only just resigned from a group I am involved with.  I seem to be withdrawing from things.  It is because I want to get rid of things that I don't find helpful but that also adds to the isolation.  You really have to pick and choose what you do or it drags you down, or so I believe.  It's like it's a critical time for me, a time of change, where I feel a need to change paths.

 Mrs Dools, that's dreadful that your boss would give you that kind of bs when you're hospitalised for depression.  There's not enough compassion in some people.  I know I was a bit disappointed nobody asked me yesterday RUOK.

[White_Rose]

Dear Arbutus

Good that you are looking for places to interact with others. Don't wait until you are well though. Part of the getting to well is to be with other people.

Psychs can be very helpful but it takes a while to build rapport with your counsellor. I understand the feeling you had on your first visit when the metaphorical tooth stops aching. I know I had such high expectations of being diagnosed and cured in a couple of visits. Trouble is we are using the physical medical model where the doctor looks at your throat, listens to your chest, takes your temperature and pronounces your illness.

I think on a first visit to a psych he/she can only take your emotional temperature and needs time to find out where you are at. It's not the psych's job to give you tools to get well. If it were that easy no one would be depressed for long. The trick is to find out what makes you tick, how you react in different circumstances and how to change your thinking and therefore your actions. It can be a long process, so the more open you are the better. When you realise what presses your buttons you can start to take steps to neutralize this.

One suggestion I often make is to write notes about what is happening to you. Not so much about the landlord's abuse but how it made you feel and what you did to get over it. Write down any questions you have or any thoughts that you want to explore. This can help stop the 'toothache gone' syndrome when you and the psych next meet. You can either read out your notes or give them to the psych, whichever you feel most comfortable with.

My guess is that in your first meeting the psych wanted you to start thinking about the future and what you can do. Also to move you to a place where you could get support. e.g. U3A which is a great place to be. It's like any first meeting with someone. There is a certain amount of getting to know you, being very polite with this new person and anxious to make a good impression. It's only later when you feel comfortable that you realise you can let the real you out to play.

I agree with you about being careful in choosing your various activities. I am also in the process of rethinking my options and it is not easy. There is so much hurt to overcome which in itself stops the thinking process, or at least stops it being a really clear process. So jot down a few notes as they come to mind, understand that not all sessions will have huge outcomes and hardest of all, be patient and gentle with yourself.

Mary