Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[ecomama]

Hey Daniel

It's totally my pleasure. Sorry I didn't see your reply earlier! The new site an' all... 

"I do still feel like I’m not quite sure who I am supposed to be even if thats myself because I feel like I’ve been trapped holding back for a long time so I’m trying to slowly bring it out."

That's such a powerful statement. 

We DO see ourselves in relation to other people until we don't eg someone's son, a co-worker, a soccer player. 
The family and their expectations are a biggie... I saw a YT clip the other day from "The School Of Life" Channel and wow! Then I watched heaps! A funny comment in one was "What was the question you asked?? Oh. it doesn't matter. The ANSWER is look to your childhood". Basically saying that any journey to find "ourselves" is to look to our childhoods. 

I CHOOSE to be myself because I want to be authentic. I cannot stand pretence.
NB: I was the teen at the beach with a HAT & sunscreen, wearing calico, because it's a natural fibre, and sandals lol when "everyone else" NEVER wore a hat, poo pooed sunscreen, wore lycra and huge platform thongs. I also rode a bike everywhere until around 23yo when they all got a license asap. 

I've always gone against trends not to be oppositional but because I didn't want to "fit in" and be cursed by the pull of the coolest stuff etc. I just wanted to be me. 

You can begin Journaling by listing things that flick your switches. Considering we're in a constant state of change... over time you will realise so much more about yourself. 

Also Tal Ben-Shahar is on YT BIG THINK Channel with "Don't chase happiness: become anti-fragile" gosh it's brilliant! I think THIS would be perfect for where you are right now. It's research & science based, fascinating. 

Take care and talk soon! 
Love EM

[Daniel12]

Hi Em

I admire your ability to be yourself unashamedly, I hope I can develop that overtime.

I guess as I have mentioned a lot to others on here it's being able to stop the constant negative self talk tape playing in my head which only heightens my social anxiety and how I feel I probably come across to other people, particularly in the dating world.

Often what's going through my head is what they are thinking of me and what they think is wrong with me or what it is about me that will turn the other person off so I am often feeling the need to prove myself which probably is not the ideal starting point as I am never fully relaxed in myself.

I have been journaling thoughts and feelings when I can (and remember lol), it does help me better understand what exactly I am thinking/feeling and be able to look at some thoughts on paper and realise quicker that they are not rational in the grand scheme of things.

I have a lot of work to do I guess but I am trying

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Just checking in to see how you're progressing. EM is such a lovely person, offering you so much to work with. As I may have mentioned before, to have people in our life who are what I call 'fast trackers' is a gift. They can help get us to where we need or want to be so much faster than if we were trying to figure it all out for our self. I think sometimes it can be hard to find such folk at times. 

Hoping your therapist has led you to a few 'Aha!' moments. I'm hoping you start to get a lot of them. It's a bit of a trip when some of our 'Aha!' moments can take us all the way back to when we were little. For some, the dialogue could  go a little like...

Q. When did I start being a people pleaser? Let me think...hmmm

A. I suppose it goes all the way back to primary school, pleasing all my teachers, trying to do well to please my parents (with my grades and what I wore and how I spoke etc) and pleasing my friendship group, so I could stay in it or not get picked on or so I could feel some sense of belonging. Hang on, no, now that I think about it, it probably started much earlier than that. Actually, I imagine it started round the time I could crawl and folk congratulated me on such an achievement.

Suddenly a revelation may hit: I've been performing for people ever since I could crawl. OMG! Now the 2nd and perhaps most challenging revelation: How do I stop? I don't know how to stop. Of course, this is an extreme example but it kind of offers an idea how we can be kinda managing a behaviour the whole of our life without actually realising we've been working hard to manage a behaviour we've never been fully conscious of. No wonder it feels like such hard work, because it is or has been up to a point, to the point of becoming perhaps stressful, depressing and intolerable. Can be the kind of hard work we can get lost in along the way, that's for sure.

I find the 'Oh my god' revelations to be truly mind altering/perception shifting.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising 

Thanks for checking in you support is really appreciated and it helps me keep going! I hope you are doing well yourself!

My therapist is helping me breakthrough with certain things, I’m still very much battling with the same issues I feel but there’s no quick fix I understand that now.

There’s been a lot of things we’ve discussed that I didn’t realise were more of an issue than I first thought when I first mentioned it. 

A strange feeling I have at the moment is a lot agitation to be honest, particularly when it comes to matters about dating and things like that. 
A lot of people say “you tick all the boxes” etc and this is seeming to agitate me a lot at the moment because based on all the evidence it it’s not true. There’s not exactly people wanting to date me and if anything I get turfed away after 1 date or whatever so if I really had all these things people around me say then after all this time and all these dates you’d think someone might like me. 

Part of it as well is that I’m sick and tired of trying and trying and trying I feel like I’ve hit the wall

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think a person can tick all the boxes except maybe one important box. For example

☑️I'm regarded as a physically attractive guy

☑️I'm a good person who's sensitive to the needs of others

    I can manage my internal dialogue highly effectively/constructively

☑️I work hard toward mastering challenges

etc etc. And there it is, that one missing tick beside 'I can manage my internal dialogue highly effectively/constructively'. I think we can have pretty much everything going for us but if that one thing is missing, it can have a major impact.

Say you're in a social setting when suddenly what comes to mind is 'You're absolutely hopeless in a setting like this'. There it is...that train of thought has just left the station. Next station may be 'You'll never be any good in stressful social settings'. At this stage you're still on board. Next station may be 'People are looking at me like I'm dysfunctional' and on it goes, stopping all stressful and/or depressing stations. Recognising you're on the wrong train (of thought) and managing to get off of that train can be hard unless you're someone who's become good at managing, with strategy and practice.

Thoughts are incredibly powerful things, impacting so much (perception, belief systems, nervous system, vascular system, chemistry, imagination/vision etc). Incredibly powerful. Personally, I was never taught how to manage my thoughts, how to consciously 'change trains'. The need to manage is what drives us to greater self understanding and change.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I can 100% relate to what you're saying about going off on the wrong train of thought and I am start to see as you say it's about how to manage my thoughts and change trains.

I am slowly learning this at the moment, I still feel a bit like I'm in a state where I am just about managing to keep intrusive thoughts at bay, a bit like fighting a fire haha, but it does feel like eventually they might overtake me and my mind again. I think I may have mentioned this previously but it's like there a dark cloud that follows me wherever I go at the moment that is just hovering over my shoulder and ready to pounce and take over my mental state and force me to meltdown again.

You could say whilst I am working with my new psychologist and uncovering topics and discussions I never have really addressed properly and it is definitely helping as I think she has a good ability to calm me down I am in a little fear that I'll just regress drastically, I realise it is a slow process and will be full of ups and downs but sometimes it makes me a bit obsessive to stay on top of my emotions if that makes sense.

She has mentioned that she is there to help me find the parts of me that are already there inside me that I have let anxiety and depression trap within myself but I need to be "on board" with finding them and let myself find them, that sort of encourages me as she's said she's not just there to tell me "it's all fine and you're a good person" because those at the moment are just words to me that don't penetrate without me letting myself really believe what people say etc

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Your psychologist sounds inspiring, offering such a feeling of hope and a sense of progress to come.

I can relate to what she says about slowly discovering parts of you. It's amazing how this can work at times. It's like you discover, one by one, all these different parts of the best in you. These are the parts or aspects that help toward making better sense of the rest. You could say if not for the sage in you, you wouldn't be able to make sense of certain challenges. If not for the analyst in you, you'd remain ignorant to what requires greater analysis. If not for the outside the square adventurer in you, you would never venture outside the square. The list goes on when it comes to all aspects of yourself that are chomping at the bit to come to life. They're reading and waiting. I've found the most significant aspect or facet of self is 'the manager' (or call it what you will). Perhaps it's the solid or core sense of self. You could even call it 'the director'. From this core sense of self you direct which parts you need to come to life at any given time. They remain parts that are kind of 'on call' in a way, ready to serve and be served in certain ways.

For example, you may say 'I will direct the sage to stop the search for deeper wisdom, as it's not necessary right now. I'll direct the analyst in me to just go with the flow and stop analysing so much in this situation. I'll just see where the flow takes me for now, without the analyst coming to life. I'll direct the adventurer in me to calm down, while promising 'We'll work on adventure together at a later time, as I focus on what needs my attention right now'. It not like completely suppressing the adventurer, it's more so about managing when you want or need that part of you to come into play, at the most appropriate time. Sounds kind of strange but the adventurer in you may call for you to serve it, perhaps through it's occasional mantra 'I'm bored!'.

So true what you say about there being some possible hard times ahead. I've found, when getting in touch with 'the victim' in me or 'the child' in me, they will reveal at times what has led them to experience or feel great sorrow. Such times require deep compassion and great love.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Sorry for delay in reply, I hope you and your family are going well! 🙂

She has been a good impact on me so far, she's challenging me when I start to go on a tangent of overthinking and we are starting to drill down on some of my key insecurities. I think she has got a feel for who I am now and I feel like she tries to understand where exactly I am coming from even if I am saying things that seem illogical on the surface.

I think the big challenge I am facing is changing how I think of things from putting pressure on myself from thinking about things from the point of view of "what do they think of me" instead of thinking "what do I want and what do I think". Being a bit more selfish you could say.

I have had a few stumbles and I still feel on edge such that the outcome of certain things that are going on could dictate whether I have another meltdown or not which shouldn't be the case which frustrates me in myself I guess

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I'm glad to hear you're becoming more self focused in constructive ways, while working hard to make sense of why you think the way you do and what has led you to think that way.

One of the toughest things to do is stop being led by the people pleaser as well as the harsh critic/judge in us. Definitely tough to do at times. While the people pleaser in us can ensure to a degree that we don't face rejection by others, the harsh critic can judge and condemn just about any way we don't 'measure up'. I've found the tough part comes down to 1)working on accepting rejection while continuing to love and respect myself and 2)dismissing the old measurement scales that serve no purpose other that sufferance.

If it's of any help, I found accepting rejection is easier once you come to know who you naturally are while establishing the truth behind what you face. For example, while someone may love to sing because it brings them joy, others may say to them 'Your voice sounds horrible'. The truth is such a person is naturally a joyful singer, this is partly who they are. The added truth is those around them would much rather take away their sense of joy than encourage their expression of it. Nothing will stop the singer from singing once they've established the whole truth and nothing but the truth...they are a joyful person surrounded by those who do not know joy when they hear it.

The 'measuring up' aspect is a tough one to stop. Typically it how we're taught to live. It's ingrained. On the scale of obedient through to disobedient, we're taught to remain at the obedient end and sometimes rejected when heading toward the rebellious end. On the scale of age, where we sit on that scale may determine our sense of value and self esteem, based on society's standards and expectations. We may not feel this age based scale (where age determines social value) until we hit an age where we feel our self on it, being judged and/or rejected in a number of ways. The challenge is to reject the scale and not our self. There are dozens and dozens of scales we can measure our self on, sometimes without realising.

You are immeasurable Daniel. You have not been put on this earth to be measured, graded or degraded. You are here to discover who you naturally are.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising 

Sorry again for my delayed response hope you had a great weekend!

I am definitely working hard to change the ways I think so I become more natural and less anxious/stress about who I am and choices I make.

I still feel a bit all over the place with what exactly I want at the moment which makes me go sort of “hypo” with overthinking. Like I have mentioned previously I’ll go from one thing to another and then to another thing entirely in a matter of moments inside my head and I’ll think to myself what am I doing this isn’t me or is it me. Repeated self questioning is the biggest challenge I think I need to over come.

I do feel a bit more relaxed in saying that though, I guess it’s maybe a bit uncomfortable feeling like I’m making things up as I go sometimes with little thought. My psychologist suggests this is not a bad think because it suggests my overthinking is starting to soften in certain aspects which is progress as long as what I choose to do is not a destructive behaviour.

I guess a lot of it is not exactly knowing what I am supposed to be doing or whether what I am doing at the moment, working/trying to meet someone etc, is enough. She suggests majority of the pressure is coming from within myself.

Thanks as always for your great support! 🙂