Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

I wasn't sure if I could find you on the new forums!

I'm not surprised that cleaning and tidying your car helps you, the rituals that are talked about in the video are about regaining a feeling of calm and control, so I can understand why cleaning your car can make you feel better! I'm glad you watched the video as I thought it was helpful.

It sounds like some medication for a while and regular talks with your psychologist could be very helpful to you. Well done! Let us know how you go with it all! I'm really pleased for you! 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

When it comes to socialising, sometimes it involves skills we may not have been taught. We may have been a shy kid under certain circumstances and allowed to remain shy, instead of being taught how to best manage our shyness. Maybe we never had anyone leading us to be more conscious. So, with few tools for relaxing and starting conversations, we're not working with an extensive tool kit. For the first time, in adulthood, we may be finally led to be more conscious and proactive.

I can relate to what you say about meds. I initially felt disappointed in myself, that I couldn't 'fix' myself without them. Looking back, I came to realise they gave me chemical based abilities. Again, it's about accessing constructive tools under specific circumstances, such as with a depressing chemical imbalance. While we function mentally and naturally (in a soulful way), we also function chemically. Sometimes, to be able to achieve a happy mental and soulful kind of state, our chemistry needs some tweaking. Down the track, after having learned a lot more about yourself, you might find you don't need the med, as you've developed other constructive ways to tweak your chemistry. Personally, one of the ways I manage my chemistry is with regular B12 injections, as a deficiency leads me to feel depressed and dysfunctional. So we both manage chemical balancing in different ways (med vs injection).

So glad to hear your psychologist is leading you to become more conscious, especially with the internal dialogue. Becoming more conscious while learning to strategically manage what we've become more conscious of is key to moving forward, step my step. It's a skillful ability.

Yes, that lurking feeling depression has about it. Doesn't sound silly at all. I came to realise, if I have the ability to sense what's depressing (from my own chemistry or energy levels seriously out of whack, to depressing people or potentially depressing situations etc) depression will tell me something's seriously off and needs attention. Depression's a telling thing. I see it as always being there ready to tell me when something's wrong. If I don't feel it, this tells me I'm on track. I can see how I managed to stay in a depression for so many years when I was younger.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you are travelling well!

I think the medication from what my doctors have told me is that it'll give me a boost to help me whilst I work on things with my psychologist. I have noticed a small difference the last week or so where my sort of default setting isn't one of being complete hopelessness, I am more feeling at a sort of calmer median so I think it's helped me day-to-day to be able function a bit better.

The psychologist is helping me uncover some underlying issues that are making me anxious in certain situations and holding me back, the hard part is being able to get to a point where I can make life decisions without thinking of what others will say or may think about me or anything I do or anyone I am with and trying to trust myself.

I am also starting to see fears I have that make me even more anxious, a big one is what if I pick the wrong partner and things don't go smoothly or my family don't approve or my in-laws aren't like my family, will my family not approve or judge this either? Feels like a lot of pressure.

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks for all your on-going support

I am hoping that the combination of the medication and the psychologist will help find ways I can overcome certain issues and insecurities or just manage them better at least

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I'm so glad to hear you can feel yourself making some progress with the medication and psychologist visits. I think sometimes even the slightest difference is enough to begin taking the edge off, which can help with further progress in some rather surprising ways. 

Was talking to someone just this morning about the benefit of creating a kind of emotional scale. I've found it's managed to make things a bit clearer for me, helping me better understand the challenge I'm facing and how I'm feeling that challenge. Not sure if it will help but thought I'd throw it out there just in case. From basic through to depressing, the scale can be applied to just about anything within reason. For example

• A basic lack of adventure through to a depressing lack of adventure
• A basic amount of frustration through to a depressing amount of frustration
• A basic lack of energy through to a depressing lack
• A basic amount of people pleasing through to a depressing amount

and so on. Probably one that a lot of people can relate to is a basic number of days in covid lock down through to a depressing number of days. Of course, can go the other way too, with 'basic' being the mid point: A basic amount of inspiration (that can be hard to feel) through to an incredible and undeniable amount of inspiration. The interesting thing about an enormous amount of inspiration is...we may not feel this feeling 'til we're in our late twenties, thirties, forties, fifties etc. We may not meet the most inspiring person until then or read the most inspiring book or take the most inspiring leap of faith. These things may be ahead of us.

When it comes to meeting the ideal partner, so many people can lead us to self doubt (family, friends, in-laws etc). I believe the kind of partner who leads us to self love is someone who we know is right for us no matter what anyone says because to love our self is one of the most beautiful experiences we can have.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising 

Thanks for your continued support it has really helped me a lot genuinely.

I understand what you’re saying and interestingly my psychologist mentioned something similar. Sort of like a spectrum of how I feel about certain aspects of myself and my life and what’s going on. I have a tendency to lean heavily toward the depressing side of it as you can probably tell. My mind is negatively geared and that’s something I need to work on. It’s not negative in the sense that I am ungrateful for things I have but it’s more so riddled with anxious, confused and pressured thoughts about what I am supposed to do, how I’m supposed to act or what I’m supposed to achieve.

The partner example probably typifies this as I get extremely nervous and anxious that people will judge me for whoever I am with or if I don’t find someone good enough I’ll be disappointing people or if they don’t have the same upbringing as me then I shouldn’t be with them etc. makes it very hard to even think about being myself and relaxing when all that’s going on.

I still feel I’m on the edge of spiralling out of control again with the depression but for now I’m keeping it at bay and I’m working hard to do as my doctor says and listen to any advice given by others and yourself and others in here too so thank you

[therising]

Hi Daniel

While I left long term depression behind me some years ago, I still face periods where I can't help but focus on a whole stack of things that are 'wrong' with me. I put 'wrong' in inverted commas, as I'm not talking about being broken in some way, it's just about the aspects of myself that I wish to change so as to live more easily, more freely. Perhaps it's in our nature to focus on what we want to improve on, which is actually a good thing. Not so good when all we can see is what we need to improve on. Doesn't leave any room for recognising our achievements.

It's a massive achievement, working hard to better understand our self. I know plenty of people who have no great interest in coming to understand how they tick. Just my opinion but I think some of them have got plenty of work to do; more than they may believe. You know the kind of people who think they've got it all together yet there are folk around them suffering in some way based on their nature.

Here you are, putting in the work others don't believe they need to do. Some way down the track you'll look back on this time and see how determined you were to generate the kind of light/enlightenment you're now working toward.

I figure, it is often easier for insensitive people to make their way through life, for they don't care all that much. It is easy for those who do not feel much for others. It's easy for those who refuse to accept challenges in the way of personal growth, as they choose to remain the same. For the rest of us, it takes work to come to fully know how to sense life in so many unique ways. It takes work to understand the challenges of empathy. It takes work to grow, to evolve beyond who we no longer wish to be. And it takes work to discover how truly amazing we are. 

Keep up the good work🙂

[ecomama]

Hi Daniel, you have SO MANY admirable qualities; persistence, caring, resilience, resourcefulness to list only 4 and I barely know you lol. 

I can see a lot of anxiety in your posts, worrying about all sorts that hasn't even nearly happened yet. 

Are you still feeling lost and "not knowing who you are"? 

Btw you're "supposed to be" you! 

I think you'll relish reading / watching some of the following. The works of Brene Brown are A-MAZING. She has a Netflix Special which is great lol. Also PLENTY of YT clips and TedEx talks. 

I want to highlight her research about BELONGING. You see it's the opposite of "fitting in". Belonging demands that we BE ourselves whilst fitting in demands that we change ourselves. 

We can all improve but seeking perfection is not only a TOTAL waste of time but immensely damaging to all levels of our wellbeing. Brene Brown speaks of the Joy of Imperfection and I think you'll like it all. 

Another set of works is by Stephen Covey being "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". I read this in my 20s and it spring-boarded my professional life into the stratosphere lol. It's just BRILLIANT and so structured. You can leave whatever doesn't gel but I'm sure you'll get TONS of direction from his work. 

Ultimately it's SELF CARE that builds resilience in all of us. I had no idea about this so started a thread lol! 

You're doing so great, be proud of yourself, 
Love EM

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks again for your support,

I definitely agree with all that you say. I think you have mentioned this before as well but I’m starting to see that because I’m probably more sensitive in nature I definitely feel things a lot harder. Whether that’s good or bad I seem to take the whole feeling of it so in a way you could say I experience extremes at both ends and it’s a matter of balancing it out so to speak.

I definitely feel on edge a lot still like it will only take one thing for me to meltdown badly again because I’ve been keeping it at bay relatively ok the last couple weeks but I guess I just have to keep trying.

In a weird sort of a way I’ve come out of that “meltdown” still feeling low self esteem but an underlying desire to try to show myself and who I really think I am to other people even though that terrifies me a lot. Not sure that makes sense but it’s a weird feeling.

[Daniel12]

Hi Em

Thanks a lot for the words of support I really appreciate it and the advice too!

I do still feel like I’m not quite sure who I am supposed to be even if thats myself because I feel like I’ve been trapped holding back for a long time so I’m trying to slowly bring it out.

I will definitely check out what you mentioned they sound helpful! I have read the Stephen Convey book in parts and thought it was really good too!

Thanks again for your support 🙂