Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It was a good weekend. Went gift shopping for my son who turned 17 last week and spent time with my daughter who just got back from a 3 week holiday overseas. Hoping your weekend offered you some joy and some time out from the torture of thinking too much.

Can relate to overthinking getting in the way of living a more relaxed or carefree life lately. Overthinking tends to consume just about all your focus. I'm sure you can relate when I say even when you want to focus on something else, in comes a myriad of thought processing to get in the way. I find whenever I'm feeling incredibly stuck, I seek out education...

Came across a fascinating guy on a website I subscribe to. He mentioned a couple of factors that I found helped put things into perspective a little more. One involved conflict being a catalyst to change. So true. The desire or desperate need to face and work through conflict is what can lead us to change. It's the desire to not be in a state of conflict that motivates us. The other thing he mentioned involves the idea of living in 2 states of reality. He mentions 'zero reality' which is a state of mind (what we think, imagine, daydream etc) and 'number one reality' or physical reality. A lack of conflict occurs when the 2 are working together. I suppose a good example would involve someone who struggles with obesity and wishes to lose weight for the purpose of greater health. In their mind, they see themself as becoming slim and healthy. If nothing is done to bring this version of themself into physical reality, they'll suffer through conflict. Can go the other way too. If this person suffers health issues in their physical reality, nothing will change this until their conscious reality changes and pushes them to take action.

Back and forward we go between 2 worlds/2 realities, with one always influencing the other in some way. Perhaps the 'stuckness', sometimes experienced in life, may involve us feeling stuck between the 2 without momentum, without one pushing the other toward change.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Apologies for not having replied back earlier, I had a few setbacks and basically cut myself off for a week.

I can relate to what you say about the desire to face a challenge is what can lead us to changing as it sort of resonates with me particularly at the moment. I let overthinking spill over into a deep depression that felt crippling for a week where I could not even attempt to go outside of my own four walls for fear of being looked at by other people that is how ashamed of myself I have been.

But despite all that I felt the need to face it, that's maybe why I felt the full brunt of all the feelings I was experiencing but in a weird way it seemed to pass quicker that previously, I am still in a bit of a flat state but it's more like a plateau instead of continuing to spiral downward as has been the case previously. Hopefully this is a sign that something is changing for me. 

[therising]

Hi Daniel

No need to ever apologise for not responding straight away. Give yourself the freedom to respond only when you feel the need. A bit of freedom here and there is a good thing.

To say it's tough when we reach the height of our tolerance levels and spill over into intolerance, when it comes to depression, can be an understatement. It's like you can do sad, you can do frustrated, you can do lost and agitated and so much more. You can tolerate all that stuff to some degree but when you meet with the tipping point, suddenly bamm, it all feels so intense, so unbearable, so completely intolerable and it can be so sudden.

I've learned over the years that I tend to kid myself at times. At times I can be facing what is a potentially depressing situation and can say to myself 'It won't get bad. I got this. I'm onto it. It's not going to get depressing' and then it eventually does. If I was to channel the sage in me, the sage would say 'You don't think this is depressing but you're underestimating the impact this situation is having on you/this person is having on you. This is more significant than you imagine'. Took me years to work out my husband depresses me, as an example. I'd kid myself for a period of time, believing I could manage the lack of adventure, the lack of wonder, the lack of inspiring plans for the future and so on. I'd suppress my desire for these things and tell myself stuff like 'You can live without that kind of stuff in your relationship. Just focus on what else could work'. And that's what I did...suppress, suppress and suppress. Suppression and oppression are so strongly linked to depression. Depression becomes the end result.

I think when we hit those times where we can say 'I got this. I can manage this' and then we find things are more intense than what we realise, we have to be kind to our self. I think we have to be able to say 'If this situation/challenge/person is depressing me this much, managing my way through what I'm facing is going to alter my mind and change my life in significant ways'. I think we can't ignore or suppress the darker stuff we gotta face up to. It's exactly that kind of stuff that, when sorted out, leads us to become more enlightened than ever before. We graduate with every lesson learned. It's all a part of becoming a master. All masters face learning curves on their way to self mastery.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you and you're family are going well!

I am working on being kinder to myself in those moments where I sort of spill over in terms of feeling a depression or depressed about certain things.  The big trigger for me is overthinking about certain things going on in my life at the moment, whether it's dating, work or whatever.

I can really feel it coming before it starts to take over, the overthinking patterns that is. I am working on managing it better, for example taking notice of a certain thought but not running with it down a rabbit hole as I tend to do 90% of the time. It's not perfect yet and I don't think it ever will be but I do feel like I am getting better at it.

I am trying my best to just let situations unfold and trying not to overthink my way through them, like I said I am nowhere near perfect at it but I feel like I am getting 1% better every week

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I'm so glad you can sense the progress you're making. While practice may not make perfect in every situation, perfection in a majority of situations is technically close to perfection. I find sometimes it pays to use the phrase 'under the circumstances'. For example, we can gradually develop the ability to stop overthinking yet find our self overthinking on the odd occasion. Under the circumstances, it may make sense as to why we're doing it if we're buying a house, planning on bringing a child into this world, facing integration (marriage) or disintegration (separation). The overthinking can be understandable based on the fact that these things are life changing. With the potential to completely redirect our life, they may be things we think deeply about before going ahead with. To think deeply but not too much is a hard thing to do, actually becoming aware of where the fine line is. I believe we learn as we go.

I gained my 'storytelling' ability from my mum, whereas my dad rarely put a lot of thought into things unless it suited him, when I was growing up. I don't mean for this to be critical in a harsh way, it's just an observation in regard to the factors that have shaped me. For example, 1 of their 3 kids could be facing a significant issue in life and my mum would think about all the worst case scenarios and some of the best that could possibly play out whereas my dad would just avoid things altogether and leave my mum to deal with it all. She'd put too much thought into things and he would emotionally detach, with not enough thought, leaving the problem solving to her. He avoided stress at all costs. He remained largely stress free whereas she remained largely stressed, with the side effects of this evident in her life now (blood pressure issues and other issues along with that). My dad is still someone who doesn't like to face what he really needs to at times.

I've found one of the traps of overthinking is it can stop me from doing, taking action. While stuck in thought, I'm not acting on what I really need to be doing. While they say life is meant to work through thought then action, thought then action etc etc (with thoughts being an interactive experience), with overthinking all we're working with is thought and little progress beyond thought. Can be a seriously hard habit to break, incredibly hard.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you and the family are going well 🙂

I can understand what you mean when you speak of your parents, I think both my parents put a lot of thought into things. My mum on the side of worry and caution and my dad on the stress and frustration side of things for given situations. Which funny you mention about affects to health because that is absolutely, I believe, the major contributing factor to my fathers heart attack this time last year as his level of stress increase blood pressure etc along with other things. I think my family does have an anxious/stressful streak in our genetics. I feel as though I am a unique type of over thinker within my family though because things such as my work/career do not seem to cause me to go into a tail spin. 

My problem is largely self esteem and trying to meet someone based because I feel like I have 0 social life and I lack the fundamental qualities to spark attraction in a girl which sends me into a depression and tail spin of overthinking.

My efforts and life trying to meet someone is a constant storyline of being told I am a nice guy and there's nothing wrong with me but there's no "connection" or "spark". I have just decided to face the facts of it that I am unable to generate a spark in a girl or maintain one where they consider continuing to pursue me or give me a chance. I know this would be common among a lot of people but it is just making my stomach turn to hear people say "I can't believe you're single", that probably doesn't help. 

I am yet again at a complete loss as to how to approach this issue, when you get told that enough times I think I need to face the fact and look at it as something just about me being me that is not enough and whilst I don't want to be alone the feeling is unbearable that I will be.

I fear that my spirit and mental well being can't take too many more kicks to the guts, I don't know how to fix this problem

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

Excuse me for coming by, I haven't been here for ages.  I'm glad you are continuing with the psychologist and that she is helping.  Problems like yours can be slow progress but well done for sticking with it!

I don't think this is a time to be worrying about finding a partner Daniel - you are only 26, there is plenty of time - and I think you would be better to put your efforts into working with the psychologist in sorting through your self esteem and overthinking and anxiety issues before you start dating again. You honestly need to get more comfortable with yourself and build up your self confidence - dating, as you have found, is ruthless, and everyone gets rejections.  Rejections are always hard to take, and they can throw even someone with strong self esteem off balance - I don't think at this stage you need to be dealing with the online dating scene and possible rejections again.  

What do you think about spending the next few months concentrating on just working with the psych in getting yourself happier and more confident?  

I think the anxiety about finding a partner might be something worth talking over with the psycholoist, what do you think?

Good luck with it all, and I'm sure The Rising will be by and might have some helpful advice for you.  

[Hanna3]

Daniel, I have no doubt that in time you will settle down and have a family. Stop worrying so much! Right now you have some necessary work to do on yourself and that will be invaluable to you and your future family.

Just give yourself a bit of time and work with your psychologist. Then you will be in much better position to go out and find a nice girl and settle down.

Have some faith in yourself! You're a decent guy with a good job and the right girl will come along at the right time. 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks again for your words of advice and support I greatly appreciate it!

I think you may be right and I need to stop trying to juggle it all together, it’s probably too much for me to handle at the moment. 
Sometimes I find it hard to stop sort of looking for someone because makes me feel uncomfortable to sort of focus on myself because I’ve never really done that well.

My psychologist has suggested similar, not necessarily stop looking altogether but let it come to me whilst I focus on myself and if something happens to come up and I feel ok about it then why not but don’t actively search for it if that makes sense.

I don’t have a huge social life and soccer is finished for the year so I guess that’s making me more uncomfortable 

I know I need to address the self esteem problem it just feels like it’s so hard to boost it but I suppose I might get there one day

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

A couple of good friends and a supportive social group would be great for your self-esteem. What about finding another sport to replace your soccer over the summer? What about a tennis club or a running group or a swim group?

I have been chatting with a couple of very nice young women who have been using online dating recently and they have been quite distressed by the types of men who approach them. These are genuinely pleasant women. A young man like you who is respectful and kind would be much appreciated by them. Don't sell yourself short!

Just work on yourself and your social circle for a while. Even these young women are feeling demoralised and disheartened by the experience of online dating. It's hard to feel positive when you keep coming across less than pleasant people this way.

Hang in there, you did well to find a good psychologist and seek help for yourself.

A nice young woman will be glad to meet you eventually! I wish you could hear the stories these ladies have been telling me, they're horrifying!