Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[DaisyDills202]

Hi guys

I too feel awful

and feeling lonely and worried about a mama

shes the only thing i look to and don''t wanna be without

loneliness sucks

i want us to feel both happy together while knowing there are people out there for us.

and stay together for long

sadness i tells ya

[therising]

Hi DaisyDills202

A warm welcome to you. The forums are full of people who know what it's like to feel worry, upset, loneliness, a mind altering life changing level of depression, stress, anxiety, a sense of feeling lost (on their way to finding a difference) and a whole variety of other feelings. They bring people here together who find some relief in being able to relate in different ways to the variety of challenges that can feel impossible to get through on our own.

Have you thought about starting your own thread? Of course, feel free to do what feels right for you. If what felt right was to come here, glad you went with those feelings because they're the feelings that managed to introduce you to us. Glad to have you here, making a connection. Pays to trust our feelings and take a courageous leap 🙂

I hope your mum's okay. Even when our key guide or one of our key guides in life is in good health, we still worry about what we'll do without them. They're such a powerful presence in our life.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think it's natural to feel the pressure when we're experiencing time based factors. I suppose one of the best examples of this involves a woman's 'biological clock'. She'll definitely feel the pressure in her 30s. I believe nature has a way of moving things along, giving us certain feelings or urges, such as the urge to find a partner and/or have a child. I think sometimes it pays to ask the question 'Is what I'm feeling based on a natural (nature based) urge or am I feeling social pressure?'. Sometimes it can be a bit of both.

There can be so many natural urges, such as with having a child or finding the experience of 'love' so as to see how it feels. There can be the urge to move out of home, to spread our wings. There can be the urge to leave the job we're in so as to discover the job we love.

Would you say the urge to discover more about who you naturally are might be overriding the urge to begin dating someone? Both can be present but to different degrees. If this is the case, I'd say be careful when it comes to some of the things people can say. You might get people saying something like 'What's all this ridiculous talk about 'getting to know yourself'. Stop overthinking everything and just get on with life'. The need to better know our self is far from ridiculous. For some it is a compulsion that leads to true self mastery. Through such a process you could find yourself reconnecting with people you haven't seen in years. While they appear as the same somewhat unsatisfied dysfunctional person, you've traveled far through the process of coming to better understand yourself and your connection to life.

Perhaps that question 'Is this the right person for me?', when it comes to beginning a relationship, comes down to 'Is this the right person for me, under the circumstances?'. Under the circumstances of coming to know yourself better/discovering new facets of yourself, can that person help you find what you're looking for? To the other extreme, under the circumstances of wanting nothing more than a 'sexual energy' based relationship, there are plenty of people out there who find their perfect match. Perhaps the person you're looking for is part philosopher/thinker/analyst and part feeler, with the desire to feel life while leading you to feel it too. To know exactly who you're looking for can be a challenge. Could you even be looking for someone who leads you to think less and feel more?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

You may be right that I could be looking for someone that will help me under the current circumstances I’m in and not lead me to stress more. I have thought about it and I think the urge to try and work out a way in which I can relax in myself is outweighing the desire to date anyone long term at the moment.

i think the pressure I’m feeling as well is that I think I am a bad person in a few scenarios where I have been seeing someone but at the same time I don’t feel a long term relationship would suit me at the moment, I communicated this but I still felt massive guilt when seeing her. I don’t know if that’s just me not being able to relax in myself.

I tend to be doubting and question every single decision I make at the moment, it’s a very exhausting way to live as I don’t feel comfortable in any situation because I don’t want to upset anyone or let anyone down.

I guess I don’t even know exactly how I feel and that’s contributing to my anxiety of what I should do or be doing, just feel like I’m a mess and I’m all over the place and I’m disappointed in myself

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think we can get into the habit of not wanting others to feel the impact of 'deep upset' and when this is the case it kind of becomes a matter of 'Doesn't matter how I'm feeling life or this situation, as long as the other person doesn't feel any deeply confronting emotion. That's the main thing'. A deeply compassionate person will not want others experiencing emotional pain. It's in their nature. It kind of becomes about us taking responsibility for everyone's feelings. You can become kind of like protector of sorts. That's a tremendous amount of responsibility at times, protecting everyone around you. Can be exhausting. I've found it's so much easier dealing with unfeeling or insensitive people. Such people feel little, so you don't have to worry yourself so much.

I think in the case of ending a relationship early on, perhaps the question comes down to 'Do I want them to feel long term pain or short term pain, out of the 2?'. Of course, being a sensitive guy, I imagine your answer would be short term pain, which means not dragging things out. If you prefer no pain at all, unfortunately we don't always have that choice. Instead, sometimes we're left to choose only out of painful choices. Such a choice is tough when you're a thoughtful sensitive person and you can easily get a sense of what that other person will be left to feel. Can be so hard, feeling for others.

I wish there was far more talk about 'feelings' when we were growing up. They're so important, so significant. Little is ever spoken of them, typically. Feeling connections to people, disconnections, gut feeling/instinctive feeling, feeling 'overwhelm', feeling peace, feeling whether we're on the right track and so on, there's just so much to them. I think if we were better educated growing up, we wouldn't be left with so many questions about them, such as 'How do I calm myself down while feeling a nervous system in hyper drive?'.

I think, in order to master feelings we have to begin seriously questioning them, which is exactly what you've been doing, which helps explain why it's all felt so incredibly serious. To basically question 'feelings' doesn't have such a serious feel to it. If you were to ask people who've experienced serious questioning, many of them would say 'It's such a confronting and sometimes horrible process, getting through the questioning stage'. Of course, it's the answers you find that help put you in the league of masters when in comes to emotional mastery 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think you make an extremely good point about sort of neglecting yourself to ensure others don’t feel pain, I like I have been doing this a lot but it’s with good intentions.


I think where I am struggling particularly in the area of dating is that in my head if my attitude is “see where this goes” and I take my time to decide while seeing someone if I think they are nice and we get along I feel like I am a bad person for continuing to see them if it takes me a few months to fully decide. I’m not intentionally dragging someone along I like to think I have never done that because I am not someone who makes promises they can’t keep.


As someone who grew up at school in a group where I never felt a true part of it and like I was alone, it’s sort of enough for me to get along with someone on a surface level for me to persist and give it a chance…maybe this a bad way to be or approach it but it’s genuine even if it sounds bad.


I agree that there should be a lot more education around how to manage feelings and emotions as I don’t think I have a grasp on this at all. In parts I do but what’s concerning me is that I seem to be getting worse in what should be the prime years of my life and that makes me disappointed in myself.


How do I just let go of the doubting of my every move and just sort of live, if I make a mistake then I make a mistake. If I let someone down or upset them I’d like to think I’m not a bad person deep down because of it as I try not to go out of my way to do this.


I just feel like I should have more of a clear picture of how to move forward at this stage of my life but I don’t at all

[DaisyDills202]

hi therising

thanks...hearing your words i feel alot better...

right now i am having some aniexty from many things and can't control thoughts...

sometimes speaking to people with similar experiences makes things alot while...

thanks for your words therishing 🙂

[DaisyDills202]

sometimes i crave for physical comfort

you know what i mean?

someone that doesnt tell me what to do or push others away from me and mum

but yes do coming on here makes me feel better...

[therising]

Hi Daisy

So glad you're feeling a difference. It can be such a relief to feel the difference we need. Even if the difference is slight, it's still a difference, kind of like a little stepping stone off of where we've been standing for so long.

I feel my thoughts so differently these days, compared to the days where depression overwhelmed me and left me in an almost constant state of self doubt. In my days in depression, I thought all my feelings were my 'fault'. Back in those days someone could have said to me 'You know you may possibly face depression for the rest of your life. Some people are simply prone to depression' and that would have brought me down so much, leading me to think 'What's wrong with me? Why do I feel even more depressed. Why am I so 'broken'?' In fact this did happen on one occasion. These days, I'd be more inclined to say to someone who expressed that 'Dude, really?! Don't you know I can feel my thoughts. Given this fact, why the heck would you want to go putting that one in my head? Don't you realise I can feel what you've just said to me and it does not feel good, let me tell you'.

I have the deepest respect for those who seek to better understand how they're feeling life or why they're feeling it the way they are. It is such hard work, figuring it all out. It really is incredibly hard work at times. I've found, it always pays to wonder. To wonder why we're feeling anger or a soulful sense of deep sadness, to wonder why we're feeling drops of inspiration here and there and even to wonder why we're not able to feel at all under certain circumstances is a lot to wonder about. I believe there are reasons behind every feeling. So, one of the worst things someone can say to someone who's trying to better understand their feelings/emotions is 'Stop being so sensitive'. You could flip the script on someone who says such a thing by asking them if avoiding or suppressing their feelings leads them to find answers.

Myself and my kids are mega feelers/analysts. Quite often we'll work as a team, getting to the bottom of things. On the other hand, my husband's an avoider/suppresser. Rarely does he like to address his feelings, especially the challenging ones. I'm a bit of a stirrer I admit 🙂 I already know his answer before asking him 'Why do you believe you feel this way?'. The answer is typically 'I don't know. Do we have to talk about this?'. Getting him to open up is like trying to open a can without a can opener. Virtually impossible 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi Daisy

Thanks for reaching it out, firstly it takes courage and a willingness to discover/uncover that which makes you feel a certain to do so, so for that alone you should be commended.

I hope you read through here and can find some comfort in the fact that you are most certainly not alone in whatever specific issues you are facing whether the specific nature of this thread is relevant or not at the very least it should serve as an example that you are not alone and it is natural.

It also should highlight that reaching out is the best thing to do as there are many many people that are as kind and willing to help as therising has been for myself on this thread and many others I am sure.

I can relate to the anxiety and not being able to control my thoughts, if you have read through this thread that it is probably quite evident that I am not very good at controlling my anxiety and thoughts but I think what the therising has told me a number of times, quite eloquently I might add also, and hopefully I have interpreted it correctly is that there is something to be said about wanting to uncover and discover more about how you feel and who you are. It sounds to me that the craving you feel is just a part of this process as I have very similar feelings.

If I may offer some form of advice, feel free to ignore it as I am certainly no expert, but with regards to craving for physical comfort I certainly understand this feeling but just be wary of those who may look to exploit this which I am sure you are smart enough to know anyway as this could lead to what you may think is comfort through physicality but if you are able to find someone who can comfort you emotionally first (which I am sure you will) the benefit will be vastly greater I believe but that's just my two cents.

I wish you all the very best!