Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[NaturallyNatural_I]

Sorry I made a mistake in what I was trying to convey:

"but I find that wanting to feel/think a certain way that is not directly 'what you are' experiencing in this moment can lead to more intense suffering."

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I can relate to what NaturallyNatural I is saying about sitting with certain feelings, for feelings are very telling. Resisting is like suppressing feelings that are trying to tell you something. 'If I push them down, I'll be much better' doesn't work. Such feelings, if they do happen to go away, come back and for good reason. Basically, the thing that is trying to tell us something will not go away, until we begin to take notice.

For me, 'The verge' is where I discover more about myself and my connection to life. Whenever I feel myself on the verge of going back into depression, I know there is something to be learned here. The verge is a truly horrible fearful place to be yet I take the time to meditate on why I'm there. The verge can be a very enlightening place. It's where I try so hard to open my mind to what may be leading me to feel the onset of depression. An example: The last time I felt myself on the verge, I questioned why my marriage wasn't all I wished it was. Why, after trying so hard over and over again for years to make it work was it failing to be all that it could be? Why, when I'd put so much effort in was it depressing? I sat and opened my mind. Without thinking of the answer, the answer naturally came. 'You are putting all the effort in. He is sitting back effortlessly, reaping the benefits of all the hard work. You are also suppressing your true nature in order to conform to what pleases him'. It was then that I felt everything change. I went from feeling depressed to feeling incredible pride in myself for having worked so hard. Recognising the full extent of all the hard work redefined me in that moment. I was not worthless, I was amazing. While in the process of being amazing, my husband didn't recognise the value to be found in an evolving relationship. It was a depressing situation until I woke up to it.

Could depression be demanding that you begin looking at your feelings more closely? What are feelings? Why do we have them? How do they interact with our mind and body? What does each individual feeling tell us? Why is it so important to not generalise when it comes to feeling what we're feeling? For example, why is 'anger' or 'happiness' used as a generalisation in some cases, when more specific feelings should perhaps be considered? What does 'information overload' feel like, compared with 'Freedom from thinking/mental processing'? What kind of feel does 'Lost' have to it? Would you recognise 'peace' if you felt it?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I feel like I have been on the verge for quite a few months now even though I have pretended everything has been going well and fine. Not sure if it is pressure I place on myself or exhaustion with life in general that is causing this as I feel no real urge to do anything at the moment a part from work during the week, my social life is a mass confusion at the moment and I know I should just experience things and enjoy my life and take the pressure of finding a commitment off myself so I can relax. I haven't really felt like what I believe to be myself but on the other hand I feel like maybe I am thinking less about decisions to do things that

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I feel like I have been on the verge for quite some months now without realising it and I have hit a point of exhaustion and confusion on how to move forward from this position I am I at in my life. I feel like it could be pressure I am placing on myself to to act how I think I need to act instead of thinking less about stuff and just living. I have been given advice that I need to just let go and experience things before I place pressure of committing to something/someone. This does not mean things like alcohol and drugs as I am not that way inclined but I guess for example with that recent girl I have dated she brought out a more liberal side to me where I didn't think too much as to what I was doing, granted sometimes I got caught up in the moment and this made me feel like a terrible person but I don't if that is a harsh thing to think of myself.

I had my sisters wedding this week and I was quite anxious going into it as I don't have a partner there with me but I can say it was the first day in a very long time where I felt pure happiness for an extended period of time. I see both my sister and her husband as an example of what I want in life but the process of getting there has been topsy turvy for me and sometimes I have strayed from who I think I am. Being with my extended family I think made an impact because as I experienced the day it sort of reminds me of where I come from in terms of family, my values etc. I have felt ashamed that a more liberal side of me has come out the last few months but it's not liberal in a sense where I feel I have lost my morals, I think I am just confused as to how to get to the point where my sister was this week with someone and that confusion leads to pressure I heap on myself. Probably makes not sense to you and I apologise if it is confusing to read.

I just feel pressure as well because I feel like I need to give myself a break but then for example I have a friend who wants me to pursue there friend and I am trying but I just don't feel it and I think it is largely more so to do with myself so I am confused as to what I should be doing and I can't really handle the pressure to be honest, sounds silly I know

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I'm so happy for you, given your joyful experience at your sister's wedding. Feeling such happiness for someone is definitely a joyful experience. Experiencing your sister's joy, her husband's, your family's and everyone else's, including your own - that's a lot. Sounds like it was also a very grounding experience for you. Any experience that grounds us out of stressful thoughts is an experience that gives us not just joy but also relief.

I find that 'verge' will always put pressure on me to let go of something. It'll push and push me to let go. What that something is can take a while to work out on some occasions. I can't escape the verge until I've found it. Looking back on my years in depression, I found depression to be the same; it would not let up until I let go of who I believed myself to be.

I've found there are far less regrets when we have a basic moral compass. Everyone's moral compass will appear different. You can an incredibly strict moral compass to the point where it doesn't allow room for any flexibility or growth. On the other hand, you can have a vague moral compass, like seen in the criminal world. Very few criminals inside and outside of jail will tolerate the abuse of children or the elderly, which explains why such abusers aren't put into general population in jail. They wouldn't last long. Working out what our moral compass looks like can be a challenge. Is it to strict, too limiting? Is it too vague, not necessarily to the point of being criminal by the way? Are we working off our parent's moral compass at times, rather than our own? Could we afford to be a little more flexible or liberal? As though you don't have enough questions and here I am throwing more out there. As I may have mentioned, any significant quest (such as the quest to know our self better) will hold a lot of questions. I've found it's a matter of hitting on the right questions to help us make better sense of who we are and what direction to take.

Perhaps the ultimate question becomes 'What is our compass and what's it actually comprised of? What are all of it's functions?'. Could be comprised of morals/personal guidelines. Could also be comprised of instinct or the ability to feel whether we're heading in the right direction at any given time. Could hold for us the ability to see inspiration (through the life we imagine) or hear inspiration (what brilliant ideas naturally come to mind, without thinking). There could be quite a number of elements to it.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think my sisters wedding upon reflection was the one day I have had in a really long time where I just enjoyed the day without getting consumed by thought. I think it was ground that I was able to be reminded of where I come from a family sense. The weeks leading up were very tough for me personally as I have been so confused, stressed and depressed in where I am at in my life so I guess it was just a day to forget about it for a second.

The days after have been a mixture of reflecting very fondly on the day but also I still very much feel lost in what I am supposed to do with myself at the moment. I feel like I need a timeout and try and get myself back together but then there are things happening in the background such as dating someone and my friend wanting me to pursue a friend of his and I am trying my best on all fronts to give everything an honest go but a large part of me feels like whilst I know for certain I want a relationship in the long term I feel like at the moment I am always devoid of energy and uncertain of whether I actually want to go beyond just getting to know/talking to/seeing someone at the moment and I don't feel like I want the pressure of having to make a decision to commit or anything like that because I don't feel right in myself. Am I being a bad person because of this?

I guess despite being on this self discovery journey for a while I haven't experienced anything like this type of confusion, uncertainty and self doubt about how I feel, what I should and shouldn't do and about whether I am being a bad person to others or not. I am struggling to sort of just live it out and let things unfold.

Maybe if there's one mistake I have been making it's like for example trying to explain to a girl that whilst I like talking to them and seeing them I am not sure if I want a commitment in the near future because I don't particularly feel right within myself personally so if they want to pursue other things even if we still talk and stuff that is completely fine. I don't know if that is unclear the way I say it or my own self doubt makes it come out the wrong way but I'd like to thing that's the right thing to do by saying that to someone but I am beating myself up over it. My psych mentioned that they are adults and by saying that you have been honest and you're allowing them to decide for themselves so the pressure should not be on me although it feels that way. Not sure what you would think.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think a significant part of life is about feeling our way through it. Mixed emotions can really throw a spanner into the works. When it comes to mixed emotions, you could see them as a sign of not fully feeling an attraction to another person or a situation. If you're 100% completely attracted to someone or something, nothing will interfere with that. You'll feel they're the right person or it's exactly the right situation for you. There'll be no doubt about it.

Mixed emotions can come about for a variety of reasons such as

• We might not have the energy to pursue something or someone
• We're in 2 minds about things, unsure of which choice to commit to (a psychological battle of internal dialogue)
• Something or someone goes against our nature
• We're being challenged to bring out a new part of us that we're not used to or familiar with (a new interesting part of us)
• We're feeling the need to tread carefully for one reason or another
• We're facing a fearful time in life that we don't exactly know how to manage or we could be fearful about making the wrong choice
• We're being challenged to develop skills in being more decisive
• We hold too much self doubt in need to develop skills in trusting our self more

Just a handful of the many reasons. There's always a reason for mixed emotions. The biggest challenge is to discover the reason. I think one of the good things about mixed emotions - they can show us how clear 100% certainty feels, in comparison. I imagine you've had moments in life, even if just a handful, where something just feels right, without a doubt.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think almost all of those dot points you have written below are feelings I’m experiencing at the moment in all honesty.

Particularly I think the challenge of letting a new side of myself come out that hasn’t been there before and that makes me feel like I need to tread carefully as you say.

Also, I feel very on edge and fearful at the moment because I am so stressed and confused about what I am supposed to do about things and how I can just relax and live, I want to adopt a mindset where I can just live without regret as cliche as it sounds so I can relax and whatever will be will be. If I make a mistake, I make a mistake but I feel so in fear of upsetting others that I don’t know how to act.

Also, about a month or so ago I experienced a few pretty intense moments which I now know were panic attacks. I haven’t really mentioned it to anyone because I feel ashamed and embarrassed because on the outside I have no reason for feeling that way.

I am fearful of it happening again because I don’t really know the root cause of why it happened, I was out with friends and I felt like I had a nervous tension constantly (which I have felt in everyday life for quite a few months now) and I went to the bathroom and I felt like my chest was going to explode and my breathing was very short it felt like I couldn’t breathe. The whole thing lasted about 10mins and I managed to regain composure before going back out but I have been incredibly on edge since.

People can ask me what’s wrong or what caused it but I can’t actually say because as silly as it sounds I don’t know the specific trigger. I think the general trigger is I’m finding it hard to live my life without thinking too hard about every move I make.

Classic example and sorry for always coming back to it but it’s only example I can explain but with dating. I doubt every move I make like if I date someone for 1/2 months I feel intense pressure that I need to not upset them and stay in it because of that and I can’t just see what happens because if I do that I’m being a bad person. Then if I don’t date someone that’s put in front of me because I feel like I want a timeout from everything I feel like I’m a bad person again or I’m wasting opportunities. My parents say I’m 25 going on 26 so still very young and just experience things no pressure but I’m feeling so much pressure with everything like I need to make big choices that im not ready to make but then I’m upsetting people and letting them down.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Anxiety and panic can be so stressful and triggering in so many ways. The interaction between internal dialogue and feelings can become overwhelming. Cue our nervous system, along with other systems in the body, to go into states of stressful hyperactivity. Such physical hyperactivity throughout the body then tends to set the internal dialogue off even more. Before you know it, your mind and body are in a cycle that resembles the swirling hyperactivity of a tornado that feels completely out of control. The heart becomes hyper, the lungs, the firing networks in our brain and so much more. If the body could speak it would say 'I gotta vent this.  Crying, sighing (long breaths out) - whichever one works. The body's such an incredibly intelligent thing. At the extreme, it'll say 'We just gotta shut this down, it's way too out of control'. Systems have the opportunity to reset. Incredibly intelligent.

My 2 biggest triggers: Internal dialogue and a vivid imagination. Combined, they can be powerfully fantastic or powerfully destructive, depending on what dialogue I'm processing and what I'm imagining along with that dialogue. This is one of the reasons people develop mantras. A mantra is a set and often repeated dialogue or thought pattern. Some folk's mantra for life is 'I can't cope. Things are going to go wrong'. Problem with this is it's a directive for the brain. Tells the brain what the plan is. Kinda like you're telling your brain 'I can't cope. Things are going to go wrong', to which the brain says 'Okay, if you say so. I'll focus on that for you'. On the other hand, if the mantra is 'I imagine I can manage feeling my way through this situation and I can calmly breathe my way through this situation', that's exactly what your brain will try and do, it will try and lead you through your imagination because that's the directive you've given it. The brain will process whatever you tell it, whatever info you feed it. Tough thing, to master the brain, to master your mind (aka the brain at work). One of the greatest skills on earth is the skill of mastering your own brain/mind.

Convince your brain you're hopeless and it'll believe it. Tell it 'I'll never get anywhere' and it'll respond in a way where it'll guarantee it. Tell it to stop thinking and it will fight you on that one. Once you become its master you can lead it to stop thinking on command, believe it or not 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think what you say is extremely useful and valid and the funny thing is I know this when I think logically but despite all the effort I have been putting in I don't believe I have the tools to practice not thinking badly or anxiously, not yet anyway.

What I find particularly relatable about what you said below is "tell it to stop thinking and it will fight you on that one". This has to be the classic example for me at the moment and I actually have no idea how to combat or fight it. I almost feel like this is going to plague me for my whole life and it's causing me to waste my younger years again with stress and anxiety.

Like I mentioned every move I think about taking has been riddled with doubt, over-thought, stress and pressure The funny thing is there's people I know that date 3/4 people at the same time and don't think twice about it and I get destroyed by stress and anxiety when I might happen to be talking to two people at the same time because I feel like I'm a terrible and deceitful person.

I feel pressure from my friends that I need to pursue this certain person and then I feel like I am wasting an opportunity if I don't pursue it but then I feel like I don't have the right mindset, energy and feeling about myself to put in a lot of effort. I know that sounds shocking because I understand that dating someone and making it grow requires effort from my side and I am not against putting in the effort because the right person will be worth it but at the moment I lack the desire to want to do that and put in heaps of effort and get little back until it's a month or two into it and then I'm exhausted.

Sorry for going on a tangent I just don't know what to do at all at the moment, I know I what I want long term so I guess that's a good thing but what concerns me is that I am 26 in two weeks and despite knowing what I want long term I feel like short term I don't want that at all because it's making me go stupid with stress. Then it feels like I am running out of time as well and like I am a hypocrite.

Does it sound like the pressure is self inflicted to you or is what I am saying natural at all?