Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Bob_22]

Hi Daniel12,

Thanks for your updates. I would have to agree with Summer Rose in that you should continue to be yourself. It certainly sounds like it's just a matter of meeting the right person which can take a while unfortunately. There's definitely nothing wrong with taking a break from the dating apps and can in fact be healthy. In fact, from personal experience I've not formed any meaningful connections to people through dating apps and found them quite superficial. 

Dating is hard and you can definitely feel like you have to meet a bunch of standards. It's easy to feel like you're not good enough if you don't meet those self imposed standards but at the end of the day being yourself is much more important than trying to be someone you're not. That's the only way to form meaningful connections when dating. I say this but tbh I haven't yet met said person either haha. Hope that helps.

Bob

[Daniel12]

Hi Bob

Thanks for the advice I appreciate it a lot,

I think I really struggle and am really struggling with loneliness to be honest even in general which I feel a bit ashamed about because I have a good family network around me, a small but close group of friends and good job etc etc and yet I still have this deep sense of loneliness inside me that at any point sparks me into a spiral of depression and I am exhausted a lot having to ride the highs and lows of it.

[Bob_22]

Hi Daniel12,

Thanks for the update. Yes feelings of loneliness can be brutal regardless of if you have a partner or not. Sorry if I'm backtracking or struggling to recall but have you spoken to anyone about this inner sense of loneliness e.g. a friend or psychologist? I told a few of my close friends something similar a few years ago and they have  been really helpful in this dark period of my life in checking in on me once every month or so if they haven't heard from me. Not sure if this is something you could implement?

Bob

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Thought I'd pop in and catch up on progress. I'm so glad some of the BB legends have been sharing ideas and experiences. Definitely pays to get a broad idea when it comes to life and the challenges it throws at us.

While it's one thing to consider all we've learned about our self throughout a significant amount of challenge, I've found it's another to learn about the people we come across throughout those challenges. In some ways, those 2 factors combined can be telling. For example, is the other person a risk taker to some degree? Are they looking for a risk taking partner? Are we that kind of partner? Do we want to become more of a risk taker, when really giving it greater consideration? Do we want to develop our self in some way by taking more risks? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, you get figure out and choose who you really want to be deep down. Sometimes what matters through the connections we make is another person's nature waking us up to something in us that's looking to wake up in some way. They come in and out of our life solely to wake us up in a way.

Daniel, wondering if you've ever considered you naturally attract the attention of a number of shy girls, the kind that look your way but are too shy to approach you. While you're looking for Miss Right and not finding her in the people you date, Miss Right could be looking at you and you'd never know it. Can't hurt to look around and see whose attention you've attracted. Could it be someone who's come along to watch you coaching? Maybe some gal in the background when you're out with friends. Can't hurt to look around and see who's looking your way. Also can't hurt to throw them a smile, make a connection they'd feel.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I was thinking about how you might be going lately, hope everything is going well for you ??

Feels like a lot strange things are happening at the moment, first was the randomness of a girl that I was seeing pulling the plug when it was really going very well and then the intense feelings I had after that subsided and then the last 1/2 weeks I’ve had 3 people I’ve dated who have shown disinterest in the past come back to me to see how I am. I am fighting against the urge to hope that one day that recent girl comes back to me but I can’t help it I guess. 

I have thought about whether it’s the idea of a partnership with her/anyone that makes me hope for that or whether it is actually her as it is a mistake I’ve made in the past and I can say I genuinely miss her and even just talking to her, it’s not an intense loneliness feeling like previously it’s more in the back of my head throughout the days and I sort of wish I can do something while being realistic that I can’t really.

Thinking about what you’ve said below, I’m not sure I’m really the type that attracts people or not that I’ve noticed anyway. I am genuine and down to earth with pretty much most people so it’s hard for me to gauge whether it’s platonic interest or interest in general. I’m not really that “smooth” and I wear my heart on my sleeve which seems to royally blow up in my face everytime so I’m starting to think I need to close this side of me off in order to a girl not to think my softer/sensitive side is weak or the fact I say how I feel is weak for a male

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Thanks. I'm well although a little frustrated with myself while I work out how I tick best. I thought by this stage of having this year off I'd have it more together by now when it comes to some routine and some form of order but we're all a work in progress hey. I'll get there. I've ultimately achieved what I initially set out to achieve and that was free up enough time in order to not feel overwhelming stress and that's the main thing. I now have the freedom to give most of my time to pressing matters, including greater self care.

Definitely sounds like progress, thinking about that girl yet not letting your thoughts consume you and your entire day. Of course, makes sense you'd still be thinking about her to some degree as you feel the impact she'd had in your life while also trying to process anything you could have learned from that experience, including the break up. Sounds like you may be establishing some type of line in the process, a line you won't cross until further into a relationship perhaps. Further into the relationship, where the line begins to naturally fade, you can give yourself the freedom to fully express how you feel.

I think emotional maturity can be misinterpreted as 'weak' in some cases, which is such a shame. Always impresses me when a guy is very much in touch with his feelings, especially given that males are traditionally conditioned to suppress and not give greater consideration to their feelings. I think maybe one of the keys to self expression is something along the lines of 'I won't suppress a lot of how I feel, I'll just rephrase some of it'. So, technically, you're still expressing or venting such feelings. Instead of expressing 'I love you', for example, could be something more along the lines of 'I love the way you...and I love the way you...and I especially love the way you... Gee, there's a lot to love about you'. Rephrasing can make the other person feel a little more comfortable at times while they get to know us on a deeper level.

Sounds like those other girls have been giving greater consideration to you and your feelings, getting in touch with you.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I understand how you might be feeling as I have felt the same but progress isn't linear and they'll be ups and downs and plateaus. It sounds like you have already made some great strides, it's easy to get frustrated at times (which to be honest isn't totally a negative thing either I think by the way) but give yourself the benefit of the doubt when you do and just step by step move towards where you want to be even if its 1% improvement...thats better than the previous day! If I made any sense there!

I have never really felt this way, although I don't necessarily feel consumed by it it is definitely still in the back of my head as I genuinely miss being around her and just talking to her and it's more just the powerlessness I feel in the situation as I know I really can't be the one to reach out again and I sort of have to think if it's meant to come back around it will at the right time. 

I understand what you're saying and have thought about it in the past. I think it's not so much that I am too full on with people I date because I am actually hyper aware of making the girl feel pressure or uncomfortable because in my experience girls just seem to run for the exit when they date me 5/6 times which has sort of left me in a holding pattern of being scared to fully take a chance with someone if I like them because I am fearful they'll run like all the others but then I don't want to not take chances either so I end up becoming an anxious mess when I am on my own. 

Now I am confused about whether to eliminate the more emotionally in touch side of myself and do as others have told me and "play the game" with people I date in order to keep them guessing or intrigued or whatever.

Maybe I am the one that is approaching things all wrong, my approach is that it takes time for things to really develop. I don't expect to be swooning in love with someone after 4 dates, but if I am attracted to them, enjoy their company, laugh, match basic values with them unless they have done something I totally disagree with or that's disrespectful etc I will continue the effort to get to know them as the more sides you see to someone the more you can grow things. Is that a stupid way of approaching this stuff? Do I need to make the girl feel like they are in love or have some huge spark after 2-4 dates? The pressure is too much

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's interesting, getting to know people. I think the name of the game at times is 'Proceed with caution and gradually reveal your true nature over time'. This is what comes to mind when I think of a variety of people I've met over time. If there's one thing I'm most cautious about it's revealing my more soulful side. While I used to be revealing up front, you can really get slammed for that, 'Oh, you're one them, one of those woo woo feely people who's into all that sh**'. Yes, thanks for that, feel thoroughly uplifted. I no longer automatically reveal that side of myself, unless I'm speaking to another deeply feeling soulful person. I suppose this helps explain why some folk find themselves suddenly married to a highly abusive person who was always so nice and charming. Same gig, proceed with caution before revealing your true nature. Unfortunately, it's not a nice nature.

Perhaps my greatest revelation lately is I seriously lack self discipline. I was never really taught many skills in the way of self discipline. While I was disciplined in the way of manners, watching my language (when it comes to not swearing around people who don't want to hear it), being on time for appointments and a lot of stuff like that, I never really learned many skills in the way of managing impulse control (stopping before the 4th cup of coffee), managing an impressive daily routine with some flexibility, discipline in the ways of seeking adventure (as opposed to sitting back wishing there was more etc. A lot of that type of stuff. While I lack the skills, of course my kids do too. How could I teach them what I didn't know about? The 3 of us are all working on skill development now, which also means getting out of a lot of bad habits that don't serve us so well. Better late than never. Always an opportunity to learn a new set of life skills 😊

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I see myself as sort of an "onion" type, what I mean is...whilst basically what you see is what you get over time more sides come out of me. I wouldn't even say that is 100% from shyness, it's just what I am like I think and it feels like as I get to the stage where I am ready to show more and more of myself I sort of get kicked to the kerb for a better options, am I not stimulating enough?

I think you seem like you have great self discipline, the reason I say this is because in my opinion the ability to recognise you needed to take a step back and have a year off work etc would not be possible if you did not have the self discipline to recognise a certain path that you were on that you wanted to correct. What I am saying may not be the exact definition of "self-discipline" to others but I really believe that you taking that steps proves you have that ability inside you, maybe you are only just discovering it and bringing it to the forefront of your mind. It is surprising some of the things we are able to do and skills we have inside us that have not been tapped into yet. For example, when I started coaching the soccer team I coach now it was really thrust upon me very quickly as a sort of "fill-in" as for someone my age it is very rare to coach a team of that level/age group. This was really at a time of heightened depression for me and I had no idea I would be able to do things like address a group of adults, manage egos, give instructions and get a group of people playing to the same tune but naturally as this developed I saw I could do it.

So to get to my point (finally) it reminds me of something my father told me at the time and something that you might be able to relate to given what you mentioned, is that the skills I needed to grow into that role of coach were always inside me they just weren't "tapped into" or not discovered and it's only with time/experience that you realise that you have these skills/abilities already inside you it's just about cultivating them. So I think you definitely have the skills you want at your fingertips it might just be the beginning of you discovering them fully! Hope that makes sense haha

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I deeply appreciate you opening my mind in order for me to see what's been missing in the way of self discipline. It's been incredibly frustrating, trying to find the key element when it comes to why I lack self discipline in many cases. The problem is...I give myself too much freedom of choice. 'No choice' is what's been missing.

In you mentioning the way of self discipline when it comes to having taken the year off, you're right. Never thought of it that way. While I didn't want to face it, I gave myself no choice but to mull over that tough decision until I reached a conclusion. When it comes to mental health, I've learned that there is no choice but to find ways of managing it when things are dark or overwhelmingly stressful. I vowed I would do whatever it takes to never experience long term depression again, which explains why I experience periods of depression at times. Giving myself no choice, I always find a way out. Whether it involves researching how my brain/mind and chemistry work, facing periods of tough questioning and deep self analysis or finding light through the much appreciated wisdom of others such as yourself, what works eventually becomes clear.

When you speak of your coaching experience (a great example), I realise how disciplined I can be when it comes to being thrown into a situation where there's not much choice but to develop. We can definitely surprise our self when we have little to no choice. We can actually go on to appear to our self as downright impressive.

It's easy to choose what's easy but we rarely ever develop/evolve through what's easy. To become a disciple of change (for the better), there is no choice but to change.