Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Bob_22]

Hi Daniel12,

Thank you for sharing this intimate part of your life. I certainly know that dating can be tough. Especially for those with mental health issues. Often for those who already have mental health or self esteem issues rejection can be even more hurtful than it is already and certainly chip away at your confidence. I'm sorry to hear that you have started to feel hopeless about finding that right person and forming that connection. 

As you have done, I think it is important to take a break from dating from time to time. Similar to job hunting after a while it is easy to feel demoralised and hopeless about the situation. But I think it is important to keep putting yourself out there and reminding yourself that you will eventually find a connection with the right person. For some it is easier than others but it is a worthwhile journey and the longer you are on it the more appreciative you are when you do eventually form a partnership. This makes you a stronger person and even better partner. 

In the meantime, you might like to use this period of your life to focus on yourself. Are there any other aspects of your life that you'd like to explore or expand? Are there any hobbies, personal professional goals or particular people that you'd like to meet? These sorts of pursuits can do wonders for your self respect and you might even meet someone along the way.

Bob

[Daniel12]

Hi Bob

Thanks for your reply/advice I greatly appreciate it!

I have really only a small network of friends and things like work/coaching soccer take up a lot of my times online dating apps were a big part of the avenue I had to meet women and if I am being honest I am sort of consumed by feelings of loneliness having never had someone ever say/express they like me in that way I am sort of at the point where I think how is that going to just change.

I have met people who shared my values, comfortable around each other, laugh a lot & basically show all the signs of interest/feeling to just turn around suddenly and say they don't feel it which often leaves me in this position of thinking am I moving too slow/fast and like what is it that I lack that doesn't strike the right note in a woman to feel something for me. I've never ended on bad terms with any of them, it's always like I mentioned "you're a great person/guy but etc etc" & its not even being friend zoned either it's like an in-between thing where I've been told "you're the type you take home to meet the parents" but I don't create a spark for them despite that.

After a lot of work on my self esteem & soul searching I have learnt to know I have a good family, good family values, good upbringing, I'm patient & calm in times of crisis, I'm generally easy going/genuine, I like to laugh & actually make a lot of people laugh a lot (women I have dated included) & have supporting things like a stable career/future outlook, I have a clear direction about where I want to go with my career and am using that as a means to enjoy my life in future (hopefully with a family) without my career consuming my life & taking away from my life. I feel like people see all that as well in me and that is STILL not enough to even just take a chance on and see what can grow/develop. It leaves you thinking gee what is missing that I am not even worth some sort of effort on the other end despite the boxes I supposedly tick for these people.

I feel like I am settled in most aspects of my life accept this one area which consumes my mind/thinking 24/7 & I am feeling more and more uncomfortable & unsettled & lacking in hope with each day and experience I go through. I don't want to take myself "off the market" so to speak but I am left sort of scared to continually open myself up to the sort of inevitable emotional pain I go through

[Summer Rose]

Hi Daniel 

I read your posts and you seem like an amazing young man. I don’t think you lack anything—you just haven’t met the right woman yet. And I do believe she is out there.
Now I don’t know if she’s around the next corner or the next or if she’s five corners away. The only thing I do know for certain is that, if you give up now you will never find her.

I know it’s hard on you. I’m a lot older than you (I have adult children your age!) but I can still remember the disappointment you speak of. It hurts and it’s frustrating and I’m sorry you have to go through it.

Beyond perseverance, I have a couple of thoughts. I’m wondering if you have been dating a particular “type” of woman and maybe you could try meeting someone different?
Or, maybe you could try dating someone you have a personal connection with through work, a professional association/event/training, your neighbourhood, or as Bob suggested through a new hobby. 
Or, maybe let her finds you. Believe it or not, I first met my husband of 32 years by sitting next to him on public transport. Anything is possible!
Kind thoughts to you

[sbella02]

Daniel12,

Thank you very much for opening up to us here, welcome to the forums. I hear you. Rejection in any sense can knock down our confidence, particularly if it happens repeatedly. And as you have said, it may not be personal, but it does still hurt.

In my experience, the most meaningful connections take time to develop. I'm not really one for quotes, but there's one that goes something like "nothing worth having comes easy" and it's often the case with interpersonal relationships, romantic or otherwise. You deserve somebody who can appreciate you and everything that you bring to the table. They're out there, but they can sometimes take a really long time to find, unfortunately. 

I can understand how rejection would sour your experience of expressing your feelings to people - I'm much the same. I'll use a personal anecdote, I recently had a few trial shifts at a new job that ended up hiring somebody else with greater availability and experience. I was gutted at first, but it helped to recognise that first of all, it just wasn't meant to be on this occasion, and it also allows me to dedicate my time and energy to finding another role elsewhere. I like reframing rejection in this way, as it can help alleviate some of those feelings that chip away at my self-esteem.

Do you have anybody in your friend circle or network who you would feel comfortable talking to about your experiences with rejection? Sometimes it can be helpful to discuss our experiences with others. They may also be able to offer valuable insight from their own experience and with your circumstances in mind.

I hope this can resonate with you in a sense, please feel free to reach out more if you need, we're here to chat.

All the best, SB

[Daniel12]

Hi Summer Rose

Thanks a lot for your post & advice I appreciate it!

I don't know if it's a particular type to be honest because looking back I have dated a variety of different types of people, some that are opposite to me, some that are the same type of person, some that are a mix of being opposite in some ways and the same in others so it is hard to narrow down a particular type and it is something I have often thought about as well. I have also dated women that are younger (21-22) and a few that are older (27/28) so it varies in age too. I have been set up by friends, met people within my neighbourhood & through things like soccer and all end up with the same common trend. 

Even there are times when I have met people with same core values, outlook on the future/ambitions, compatible personalities, comfortability with each other etc etc and they have actually express this to me & given me every sign then in the space of a few days just when I seem to be relaxing thinking "I reckon this girl likes me" then boom I get the "my feelings haven't progressed far enough yet".

Often get left in a position where I am unsure what happened/changed and what approach to take. I always respond maturely and respect the girls feelings & judge for myself whether I feel it's worth some extra effort.

I did this once, after everything lined and seemed at it's best point and the girl herself said she wanted to continue seeing me and a week later changed her mind I decided to tell her genuinely my thoughts after a couple weeks to digest it & let the situation breathe in the small hope it might help her change her mind as it was a very random change. I told her I thought she was a great girl, good values, good future outlook similar to mine & given how well we got along/comfortable we were together I thought she was worth the effort to see if she'd be open to the idea of just getting to know each other better. I got the same answer which to be honest I expected and afterwards was worried I am weak for wearing my heart on my sleeve and women would rather me act like I don't care or make them chase. This is a constant dilemma in my head.

[Daniel12]

Hi SB

Thanks a lot for your reply I appreciate it a lot!

I feel like it takes time as well to develop something & get to know someone but it feels like even though I have a lot going for me I am not worth that extra effort to take time to pursue and I feel so much pressure to make a girl be almost in love with me early on to keep them interested.

I do have a couple friends I talk with about it all but they all have partners which I am friends with as well and I don't like to burden them with my thoughts/problems.

I recently deleted the dating apps which is good and bad, good because I feel like I have no effort left and may need a break but bad because it was really my only avenue and I feel as though it is giving up a bit.

[Summer Rose]

Hello again

Couple of thoughts on your reply.

Sounds like there is no “type” issue. So, I guess keep doing what you’re doing!

It’s possible that older women may be somewhat less likely to put time and effort into a new relationship and may be more likely to move on quickly based on their past dating experiences. I realise this is a huge generalisation and not applicable to all women—just a thought from my life experience.

You mention having some very sensible commonalities with dates, such as “same core values, outlook on the future/ambitions, compatible personalities, comfortability with each other etc etc” and then boom the wall comes down. There’s nothing wrong with your list, but I can’t help but wonder if romance is missing.

Do you think you are the romantic type? Spontaneous? Have you ever felt like you’ve been swept off your feet or felt that you’ve swept someone off their feet? Maybe there’s some room to spice up your approach to dating?

Don’t know. Just thoughts.

 I get your frustration with how some women approach dating. I’m with you, it’s not a game and people do get hurt. But I know there are women out there that don’t play games, just a shame it’s impossible to tell upfront.

Kind thoughts to you

[Daniel12]

Hi Summer Rose

Thanks again for your reply & advice,

I have definitely been thinking about the questions you mentioned about romance etc as I have mentioned the common theme is "no connection etc", I would say I definitely put in effort when I like the person and whilst I know myself I am not some sort of "smooth" type of guy, I probably have my own style which is genuine and usually just use humour, I had to fight against shyness/anxiety initially when doing this stuff as it was foreign to me but I feel like I have improved a lot.

Am I someone whose going to necessarily put the moves on a woman in a smooth guy type of way, probably not well I don't think anyway but I have had women say to me I am smooth in a genuine way.

I see myself more as a bit of a slow burn, as I get more comfortable I start to really show it. Mind you it doesn't take ages for that to show because I have started to try to get out of my comfort zone and not be afraid to act on feeling/instinct (obviously in gentlemanly/respect/genuine ways but still go for it).

I have just been having these feelings that because I am probably more in touch with my emotions than many of the guys I grew up around & quieter/softer natured inherently that this is a turn off for women and eventually becomes boring & I need to be more like a macho man/alpha male to maintain interest.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Daniel 

I’m going to be really honest, stick with being you. Honest, genuine, considerate, interesting, successful you.

You are a catch and any woman would be lucky to have you.

The more that you have shared about yourself, the more convinced I feel that you just haven’t met the right one yet.

I know this doesn’t help with your immediate challenges, but I believe you will get there.

Life is funny … sometimes the most unexpected things happen at the most unexpected times … like maybe when you’re just about ready to give up on something. You hang in there.

Kind thoughts to you

[Daniel12]

Thanks for the kind words Summer Rose,

I guess my trust/hope has taken a bit hit more than anything lately as what usually happens is I will date someone and they will show all the signs etc & things seem to be naturally progressing and then out of nowhere they express no connection and it leaves me in a position where in future I don't trust people when they show interest because I am always expecting the penny to drop.

For example, I dated someone recently where it really was going very very well, she was reciprocating affection/interest, telling me things that she saw in me and discussing future plans etc and then out of nowhere she said no connection and I try to always be genuine respectful in my response and I had some time to think and thought it was worth the shot to just express to her that I thought she was worth the effort to get to know. I did this is in a genuine way but it didn't really change anything and I just get left confused and worried that I don't strike the right chords within women to keep attraction or progress beyond normal interest.