Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


Funny you mention the stuff about living basically etc because it’s probably the theme of the book in the end as the main character goes through all different possibilities they can live. I can’t quite remember the exact quote but it was something like you don’t need to live


What you say resonates with me as I feel it’s a big part of the problem with this depression I’m feeling. Difference is I feel like I don’t even know how to basically live at the moment. I feel like I have no purpose in life and that I serve no purpose to people other.


I don’t have any idea at all of what really excites me in life or is a passion I can use to take up my time and even then just to basically live each day and enjoy my life it’s like I lack the fundamental skills to do this because I keep asking myself what the hell am I doing, what the hell do I need to do and what the hell am I supposed to be doing.


I don’t have a massive interest or wealth of knowledge in any particular subject that makes me interesting really, I feel my life has just wasted away and I serve no purpose other than to get up, overthink for 18hrs whilst working and go to bed.


I want to be able to just live but there has to be more to my life than this feeling because at the moment if this is then it’s not worth it, I feel thoroughly unremarkable as a person and the hardest part is people looking in on the outside think I’ve got all and I really don’t because my mind is warped and all I do is frustrate people and let people down with how i feel


For example, I do engineering to work but would I say it’s a huge passion…not really, I don’t want to change my job because I like it enough and there’s not much else I could see myself doing but I don’t have massive career ambitions, then I want a partner but given I feel like I myself have no purpose I don’t think this would even help at the moment, not that I need to have a massive calling in life as generally I just want to lead a simple/happy life but what the hell does that even mean to me


I know how stupid I sound to people trying to explain this as well so apologies

[therising]

Hi Daniel

What you say doesn't sound at all stupid. It makes perfect sense to me. I think it's the nature of certain challenges we face, to sound or seem ridiculous, but they really do make sense on some level. It can be such a relief sometimes when someone says 'I can relate to where you're coming from'. It's then that we don't feel so foolish. Our challenge is proven to be relatable.

• Can relate to not being career driven. Give me a job that leads me to experience a degree of happiness, while it allows me to raise funds with which to fund my life, and I'm good. Of course, keeping an open mind to advancement/promotion can mean more happiness and more funds. If we're being promoted to more stress, not good
• Ask me what it is I'd like to do, when it comes to experiencing excitement, and chances are I'll say 'Not sure'. If someone can lead me to exciting things, it's then I'll typically discover what excites me. Other people/leaders can be resources for living
• Give me a sense of purpose for being on this earth and life is joyful. If I lose my sense of purpose which I may have gained from helping another, when their challenge has come to completion I can be left feeling like I'm kinda twisting in the wind without direction. I think this is where it's important to develop an overall or core sense of purpose. I believe our overall sense of purpose in life is to evolve and help others evolve. How we do this at any given time becomes the question. Volunteer work is filled with people who don't get paid to help others, they volunteer to lead others to evolve while evolving themselves through their own care and actions

Daniel, I believe there are 2 fundamental things in life we cannot afford to lose; one is our imagination and the other is our sense of wonder. There are definitely times where we require a bit of a jump start. If our battery's flat, being charged up by others can be exactly what our imagination and sense of wonder need. Once they're fully charged, the only thing stopping them will be another exhaustion stage. I wonder whether this is one of the reasons for desiring a partner, someone to charge you up in such a way.

Who do you know in your life, for now, that is capable of triggering your imagination and sense of wonder? You may need to be prepared to be taken out of your comfort zone a little. The most exciting things are often found outside of our comfort zone, which is why we can't find them inside of it. Sometimes they're just not there.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

What you say about career is basically what I feel, I just want something comfortable where I have the funds to enjoy life. Promotions and things like that may come along the way but I really don’t think about this at all.


I think you are right when you ask whether all this is part of the desire to find someone because it is. Probably the key thing I seem to be looking for is someone that brings the sides of me that feel trapped and I have never felt comfortable showing.

I think this is the hardest thing I’m trying to get over with the girl I was seeing that moved away, she wasn’t someone my family or friends would typically picture I would of been seeing for an extended period but she seem to get my out of my shell and I didn’t feel uncomfortable.

It has really been such a struggle particularly in my 20s to ever accept myself and now I don’t even know what “myself”
is anymore and I after all the dates and friendships and stuff like that I feel like I give no value to people and I contribute nothing and I don’t blame people for walking away and moving on like it’s nothing.

Like what life am I supposed to lead, people say just live your life and enjoy moments but feels like my life is a waste of space and what is it that makes it any interesting or valuable to anyone….but then I think what even is it that im looking for it’s an endless pattern/struggle

I know I am the only one who can ultimately change but just feels like a force that takes over me and ultimately I don’t feel like I provide enough value to people to warrant trying anymore, I apologise if my continual posting is a burden also as I feel like I am like that sometimes but I guess I come here for some sort of escape as I appreciate yours and others’ support/advice

I appreciate your patience in replying to me a lot and I don’t expect it from people because I can probably be annoying to be honest and it’s partly why I try not to burden my parents either even though they stress if my mood is down but finding it hard to show I’m ok to them when I used to be able to fake it and that makes me feel worse.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Can relate to faking happiness leading me to feel worse. I think this happens when we're not being true to our self. If there's a part of our self that's deeply upset, it may need to vent or be expressed in some way. Suppression is definitely not a happy business at times and it can do the opposite of leading us to better self understanding and self compassion.

As I may have mentioned before, I think there are many different facets to us. I've found addressing each individual facet to be handy at times. This can help explain why a part of me can be happy, whereas another part of me can be furious and another part of me can be sad in a way all in one day. May sound a bit strange, I know, yet it's undeniably true. The part that can be happy is the part that's easily triggered by my son. He's one of the most amusing people I know. He triggers the part of me that's easily amused. The part that can be led to fury is my self loving highly intolerant aspect which will not longer tolerate being treated poorly. It's typically triggered by degrading intolerable people . The part that is easily triggered to sadness is the victim in me that focuses on what I don't have in life, a soulful kind of lacking. So, as I say, if you suppress or don't listen to a part of yourself that needs attention, you're not being true to that part of yourself. That part of you can't evolve.

While I may sound like I have lots of personalities within, I think we all do. How to consciously channel any one of them can be a major challenge. I find 'emotional channeling' (tuning in) to be one way. Try channeling the sage in you and see what the sage says when you ask the question 'Why can't I be happy?'. Perhaps the sage will say 'What is happiness?'. Now you've got a task on your hands, to make sense of what happiness actually is. In psychology you'll find it relates to mindset, in biology you'll find it relates to chemistry and in spirituality you'll find it's nothing more than a feeling, a certain type/sign of energy or energy signature. You'll feel that signature around some people and not around others.

If someone was to say 'I just don't know myself', I would ask which (sense of) self they'd like to know or like to know first. With each one managed differently, there are so many different ways of managing who we are. While I love both 'the pure analyst' and 'the pure feeler' in me, at opposite ends of the spectrum, I find they often work best together at times.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

To be honest I would like to establish just my basic sense of self again which feels completely lost. I know it takes small steps but nothing seems to make me have a boost of energy at the moment. The internal dialogue as you have often mentioned is exactly the problem I think.

To your point of asking myself what will make me happy or what is happiness to me, I feel I am in such a state I can't address these questions at even a basic level....sounds really ridiculous and frustrating I know. I look at things and see what people say when they say I have a good job, family, am physically healthy (have fallen off the wagon a bit in this regard) and I get angry at myself that I don't seem to trust this stuff and am able to live each day with the self doubt from morning to night. Then I am as equally agitated and annoyed at myself that I can't seem to figure out what is missing. Yes, it is largely that I lack companionship and it seems to be a big trigger or the main trigger but then how would anyone be interested in me when I myself believe I offer absolutely no value to people.

I have tried to force myself out to try and get back some sort of social skill but by end of the night I feel defeated. I look around at other guys or people in general and the way they converse with others and how others whether it be male or female interact with them in a fun, laughing and relax way and enjoy that persons company. Then I see these people with groups of people who all seem to value their company and these people offer value to their friends or even strangers they may approach.

By contrast, I think of myself in these situations. For starters I have never had a larger group of friends, am often forgotten about and not invited out anyway, I have never really had female acquaintances other than girls I have dated and I just think I am not really that great/fun to be around anyway. Sure, I am a nice guy but I highly doubt I offer value or a positive/relaxed impacted on people because like other than being a nice bloke there's nothing about me that interests people. I don't talk about myself which isn't overly a bad thing but people don't seriously enjoy my company I am too normal or boring I am not sure what it is but I highly doubt I will attract people anymore.

I am disappointed in myself as well that I am still at this stage and it seems to be getting worse and worse. I apologise for continuing to be a brick wall to speak to.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think life itself can present us with what feels like the equivalent of a brick wall. It's not we who are the brick wall. While we can't get around it and can't 'get over it', as a lot of people like to advise, sometimes it's a matter of picking it apart brick by brick. Can be about making better sense of why it's there or how it came into being.

The brick wall analogy's an interesting one. There are times where I find it's actually me who's put that wall up and I never realised I'd being doing it, brick by gradual brick. To offer an example: I have a terrible habit of being a 'safe player'. I'll live life largely as a non risk taker. Each brick has been a safe kind of brick. I chose a safe job, within my comfort zone. I've typically chosen safe kinds of adventures. I choose safe types of visions in regard to the future and safe ways of spending money and the list goes on. So now that I've come to a stage of my life where I need to start taking productive risks, I find I've made a wall for myself in a way where it kind of encircles me. You could say my safe haven has come to imprison me in a way. Time for a breakthrough? Definitely! You could also say the only way to break through is to demolish or deconstruct some of what's safe.

There's definitely a sense of vulnerability to such a process. It can even be a fearful process. An example could involve the hiking/bush walking. While it would be somewhat fearful to go, by going you're removing a brick. If your friends do ask you out, say to go on some semi fearful adventure, by saying 'Yes' and going, you're removing a brick. And so on.

I think each brick in my life was put in place based on a sense of self preservation. Kind of like creating a self preservation zone. As I say, when the self preservation zone becomes a kind of prison, we can be left feeling desperate to get out of it, while also fearing coming out of it at the same time.

Daniel, don't ever feel bad about not being able to make mind altering life changing breakthroughs. They'll come in time. Trust me. As I've mentioned, I drank my way through my 20s, so as to numb my feelings and the challenges I faced. You're trying to do this without any mind altering substances, which helps explain why you're feeling so much. The main reason I no longer drink is so I can feel. I have to be able to feel when I'm in a challenge. Such feelings tell me I have a lot of work to do.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think I have done the same thing to be honest, built up a wall. I think for me it's probably being afraid to really relax and show myself regardless of what others think or do or say. I live in fear of judgement on how I will come across, that I am just boring old nice and nothing else and that won't excite/attract people to want to spend time with me. Like I have said I feel like I ultimately have no value to offer people so I wouldn't blame people for having those judgements particularly at the moment.

In a way I almost think that if I am to go out at least if I have a drink it may relax me a little bit but even that doesn't work with the way I feel self conscious at the moment. At the moment I have tried to go out because I feel like this is what I should be doing to break whatever I am going through but like I have mentioned I feel defeated by the end of the night.

The disappointment in myself is that I feel like a shell of a person, offering no value to anything or anyone and I feel like I have completely lost the ability to be even 1% comfortable in being me when I am around people so much so that I don't want to be around people. Also, I lack courage to taken apart those walls brick by brick as you mentioned because I keep falling into the same patterns again and again and again and I am actually trying to go out and trying to do things like write stuff down to air it all out.

I know it doesn't happen overnight but I feel like I am going backwards and I am becoming more of a burden to people I communicate with and I have lost enjoyment of my life.

If it wasn't for soccer coaching I would be doing nothing and even then even in the middle of coaching I have these thoughts and I have to work hard to fight it off and I feel like if even that isn't working how the hell am I going to get out of this

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

I really hope the counsellor/pscyh you are seeing helps you with all this, the low self esteem and depression sound pretty crippling for you.

I wonder if it would help if you went to a local library and checked out some books on social anxiety/depression etc?

I think it sounds like you need ongoing regular - I hope weekly - support from your psychologist and others and hopefully with their support you will gradually start feeling more like your old self and will gradually be able to go out socially a bit more and start feeling some enjoyment in life again.

Best wishes.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

When I was younger I always felt more comfortable around older people. They just had a way of leading me to feel more relaxed. I suppose some of that was based on them having nothing to prove, being more socially experienced (therefor more capable of carrying a conversation around someone a bit socially awkward like myself), more carefree being based on having lost the fear of being themselves over the years and so on. Besides them leading me to feel more confident, they also led me to realise a lot of people my own age lacked certain social skills or abilities and that was part of the problem I was experiencing.

I think we generally become a little more fearless as we get older. From my own experience, I'd say that comes from becoming fed up with trying to prove our self (as 'acceptable'), working hard to please people and facing the depressing attitudes of those who can end up making us feel a little worthless. You really do end up becoming fed up with it all. It's all way too much hard work and I think we can only tolerate it for so many years. Over time I've found my internal dialogue's changed a bit and I try listening to the dialogue that sounds more like 'Don't be ashamed of the stuff you're passionate about. Tell people. Be proud' or 'Don't stress about what that person thinks of you. They're rude and over opinionated. Others will be thinking that about them too, whether they say it or not'. Stuff like that. The old dialogue sounded more like 'Don't say that, you're going to sound like an idiot' or 'Don't just sit there looking stupid, say something'. That old degrading depressing dialogue was very insulting indeed. Very rude and nasty. Kind of strange in a way how we wouldn't tolerate keeping a 'friend' like that, so why would we tolerate listening to that dialogue, no matter where it comes from, inside or outside of us. I think getting into the practice of shutting it down is constructive. Be careful how you shut the dialogue down. I smile when I say whatever you do, don't do it out loud. Saying 'Shut up!' or 'Get the hell out of my head!' out loud will definitely raise a few eyebrows and get people backing off 🙂 Nothing wrong with silently talking to yourself. Most people do it.

You can actually have some fun with your internal dialogue. If you have it making you laugh, again, you may raise a few eyebrows if you're laughing on your own. Easily fixed; find something amusing around you and make out that you're laughing at that.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I can relate to what you say about those older than me and I think you are very right. I exactly feel how you describe when talking with people with more life experience than me, like I am not being judged and I don't feel like I need to put on a certain image in order to "impress".

I think I have been trying to do this for so long that now as described I have hit a point where I don't even know what "being myself" really is anymore or what value I give to people. The worst part of this whole period is I feel like I am on a tight rope at all times and I am just waiting for another mental breakdown and sudden mood swing that just comes out of nowhere with no specific trigger in that moment.

I hope I can do what you seem to have done successfully and try to change my internal dialogue and live more like myself, I admire people like yourself and others who have been able to come out the other side and offer their experiences to others to help.

I recently changed my psychologist, not because the first one was bad but more so to try change something. I had appointment the other day and whilst I still feel bad that I tend to spitball a lot a nonsense to people when I try to seek help and really I have no excuse to feel as low as I do due to my family upbringing and what I think is a privilege situation I find myself in, I am trying my best to tell this lady everything that comes in my head and try to find an answer to why am I the way I am. There's no specific life event that caused all this I think it's more a gradual lack of self esteem that has eaten away at me over time being worsened by loneliness and lack of purpose.

The session I had the other day has given me some sort of hope that I haven't had for months just because she is committed to helping me however stupid I think my thoughts are.