Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think I also struggle with self discipline as well so you are not alone there! For me it is sort of like the self discipline to allow myself to relax and enjoy myself and my life. Also it would be the self discipline to stop the negative thoughts or spiral over-thinking from entering my mind. I feel like I am not great at it as I like "relapse" for lack of a better term quite often.

I have been thinking about what I may need to do and thought of how you mentioned to take a break for myself for a bit. I would like to do this, at least try get some enjoyment in my life again and get rid of this suffocating/tiring and like life sucking feeling I have without the added pressure of trying to meet someone. The only drawback I have for this is, will I be wasting more time? Will all the right people for me potentially be getting snapped up the longer I wait?

Shouldn't I have all this worked out by 26, it feels like I am way behind the 8 ball. Like issues I should have dealt with already are very much still affecting me, I just want to be able to live my life and not hate myself everyday for being this anxious mess.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

You raise an interesting point, with self discipline partly being about the inner dialogue we manage/have trouble managing. While my wonderful sense of self will come to life with 'Ooh, I wonder what lays beyond this YouTube thumbnail', the disciplinarian in me may chime in with 'There's no time for this, there's work to be done!'. My wonder filled sense of self wins out too often. There could be things I need to do, such as making appointments or responding to emails only to find the procrastinator in me dictating 'Do it later'. The disciplinarian in me will chime in with 'You know how this goes, it all piles up and you experience overwhelming stress/anxiety. Just do it now!'. It's true, it does pile up and I do experience incredible stress. Must say, I feel pretty out of control these days. Who's running this show? It certainly isn't the disciplinarian in me, that's for sure 🙂

Taking direction from our higher or more conscious self, the part or parts of us that know better, can be a serious challenge. While a part of you may be saying 'What if I never meet the right person? What if I leave my run too late?', I imagine there's another part that's dictating 'Don't worry, just focus on what you need to be focusing on. Everything will be fine. Calm down. Breathe. It will be okay. Stop stressing'. If you were to channel 'the student' in you, you may find many areas of research regarding such sage advice. What do you need to study, so as to reduce stress? What do you need to study or gain knowledge of when it comes to developing laser focus in self development? What could you study in regard to how to calm your mind and body down? What area could lead you to develop channeling stronger aspects within you? Another question may be 'Do I need a teacher or a knowledgeable guide in these areas of study?'. Eg: General therapist, therapist that specialises in CBT, a practitioner in guided meditation etc. Perhaps you may develop an interest in a particular area and become a wonder filled researcher, leading you to become your own teacher. With so many areas of self development or self reform, could one of these many areas actually become a new serious interest in life? Kind of like developing a new and fulfilling hobby. So much to learn when it comes to who we are.

I thank you for leading me to fully recognise how much I neglect the disciplinarian in me. Btw, I think there are times when we're being called to learn/study 'How not to be an anxious mess' 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Im not sure if this will make sense but I’ll try my best to explain. I feel like half of my issues at the moment is that I don’t really know exactly a pinpoint reason and when I try to express myself, can probably tell with my posts on this this thread, it’s all jumbled and jumping from one thing to another and to another and I maybe don’t allow myself to focus on one issue at a time.

I understand I probably have severe self esteem issues without outwardly showing it. There’s this real uncomfortable feeling with my life at the moment and where I am at. I look at it and my career is going ok and that’s about it and to be honest it’s not that I don’t enjoy my job but I’m not enjoying life at the moment and it’s spilling over into my work recently.

I try to do things like play golf or coach for soccer but there like fleeting moments of respite and when I get back home I’m probably dissatisfied with myself 90% of the time.

I feel like I’m not strong enough to pull myself out of it anymore and it’s just consumed me to a point where it’s just normal for me to feel this way

[smallwolf]

What sort of things do you do for fun or relaxation?

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I really feel for you so much. It's tough when we're so all over the place to the point of it being depressing. People can say to you 'You'll be right' or 'You just need to get on with things' which can actually prove to be triggering more than helpful. The amount of times I've heard 'You'll be right' when I'm in the middle of a potentially depressing level of self analysis or life analysis, I've lost count of. And with 'You just need to get on with things', you can feel like screaming 'HOW? TELL ME HOW BECAUSE I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET ON WITH THINGS! WHAT THINGS AM I MEANT TO BE GETTING ON WITH?!'.

You know when you have those moments where you think 'I should be grateful for everything I have. So why aren't I grateful? What's wrong with me?'. I think we can be grateful for everything we have but sometimes grateful just isn't enough. There's got to be something more than simply being grateful for everything. For me, I tend to find myself a bit all over the place at times due to a common thread in many areas of life, a lacking.

You can be grateful for your health but you can feel something lacking from a healthy life. You can be grateful for the roof over your head but the excitement of the place is lacking. You can be deeply grateful for the friends and family you have but still there's something lacking from all those relationships. I suppose this explains why some people just take off. They leave their job, the house they live in and their family and friends because they know what they need is somewhere else, to be found through some experience they just couldn't get where they currently are. Then, at some point, they return as a very different person. They went off and found new parts of themself. As I've mentioned, I think we come to life gradually. How to do it becomes the question.

I recall when my son led me to go kayaking for the first time. I recall saying to him 'I'm not a kayaker' to which he responded 'You don't know that'. He had a good point. Maybe I was a kayaker and I didn't know it. I went with him and had the most calming experience. I think, sometimes we have to find out who we are, gradually.

You know you're a soccer coach, a golfer and a good worker. Do you ever wonder who/what else you are? Could you be someone who loves dining out on a truly sensational breakfast? You know, the whole shabang - bacon, eggs, fried tomato, a sausage or 2 etc. Could you be a regular Sunday morning diner and not know it? 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I understand what you're saying when you mention people telling you you'll be alright and there's nothing to worry about. In isolation I know that there is nothing to worry about but I feel like the way I am and the way I am feeling is misunderstood and no-one gets me and I feel like in the end I am just wrong to feel the way I feel.

I guess I am disappointed in myself as well for thinking I was making progress when really I haven't at all, I am having more unexplained down days than I have ever had and I constantly feel uncomfortable in myself and I feel bad for feeling this way around my family and friends and also when dating.

I feel like I am trying to make the best decisions possible for everyone around me and the "right" decision that I don't even know what I want anymore or what would be right for me. I bounce around all over the place in my thinking and cannot focus on one thing at a time. I will do something for 5mins, then another thing for 5mins and then go back to the original thing I was doing and then to something else entirely and I don't enjoy any of it at all.

Each time I have a bit of a downer I'm finding it harder to pull myself out of it, when I think about what I can do to keep myself busy or try get some enjoyment back that I would usually do I have close to zero energy for any of it. For example I haven't touched my guitar for months, I haven't touched my bike for months, I can't be bother training anymore and I put on more and more weight. The funny thing is in my head I want to pick up the guitar or train for example and lose the weight but I feel like I have absolutely zero energy or it's like I have forgotten how to do these things and actually enjoy them while I do.

I don't know what to do, do I need a structure or routine to stick to or do I need to just follow how I'm feeling on certain days, like what the hell is wrong with me at the moment

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's hard when you've only got enough energy to basically function. It's like you can do all the routine everyday things and go to work and then beyond that you're pretty much zapped. While you're doing all those things, while the energy's down, the ability to feel anything has been dialed down along with it. Then you can start to think 'How is this called 'living'?'. It can easily become depressing when you haven't got enough energy to feel your connection to anything or anyone.

While there can be a number of physical reasons for the lack of energy, some of the reasons beyond physical can be a challenge to identify. Personally, the physical reasons for a lack of energy for me in the past have included sleep apnea, b12 deficiency, physical exhaustion and a lack of the right kind of chemical energy (chemistry) that can play out in depression. With the sleep apnea and b12 factors, I could feel myself slipping into depression again up until they were diagnosed and treated. With the sleep apnea, I ate like a maniac. My body was craving energy something shocking.

While blood tests and sleep studies can help pinpoint certain issues, emotional issues can be more complex. Stress and overthinking can be thoroughly exhausting based on the physical systems in the body working overtime as they interact with the mental stress and overthinking. The mind and body are highly interactive.

While my depression obviously existed from about 20 to 35, I'd say it probably really started around 16. I just didn't seriously feel it 'til around 20. Wondering if you can relate: At 16, I was so incredibly lost. I felt like I was twisting in the wind, without a solid sense of direction or any sense of purpose or constructive identity. Of course, not unusual for many 16 year olds but when life remains this way it's not good. By 20, I'd lost my love of painting (on canvas) and writing. The writing remained a little but only in the form of depressing poetry. As I began to rely on drink to take away any feelings that challenged me, life continued to spiral downward. Drinking is one of the worst things we can do when we're trying to find our way in life.

I believe the overall problem was a lack of seriously constructive guidance and pure inspiration charging me up. I needed to know who I really was, what I was capable of. I needed to feel myself come to life naturally, energetically, without drinking.

Do you feel like investigating why the energy's not there for you?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I feel I can very much relate to your feelings around 16. I think this problem now stems from when I was at school but I didn’t have the emotional maturity or know how to realise the issue so in effect I think like you say it comes out in a more delayed way.
I think I scratched the surface of the issues back then in a very simplistic way like dealing with bullying and not feeling apart of a group and stuff like that.
I think even at 19-21/22 I think that’s where I realised these problems mainly but I think I just carried on without dealing with it and as I’ve gotten older I’ve become overly aware of it to a point where it’s detrimental and I can’t move past it.


I have been thinking I need a reset somehow and try to function as I know I normally would, try to finally get rid of external pressure I place on myself based on other peoples opinions and where I should be or what I should be doing based on others. I feel like I have a good trait where I consider others feeling but I neglect mine.
For example getting to close to relationship recently I had intense guilt the whole time because I felt like I liked the girl a lot but I don’t feel personally right and I also didn’t quite feel it would suit me long term so I was a bad person for trying my best to hang in there and make it work but I would have upset her in the end.


I want to get back into my guitar and I try and get some energy and relaxation back, the coaching is helping slightly but I miss playing.
In effect I’m a very simple guy sometimes it seems like I’m too simple for my age because I’m not well versed in like politics and stuff like that, if I’d said when I’m feeling normal I just basically do my own things like bike rides, read comics, exercise, watch sport.
Am I like too basic at my age I don’t know or am I not mature enough I feel confused

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Personally, I think it's good to have a baseline when it comes to the simple things we enjoy. This way, when everyday life gets a little stressful, we can go back to basics to help naturally alleviate the stress. As mentioned, if you can relax naturally, without turning to alcohol or drugs, this is a healthy life skill. Your baseline might look very different in 20 years time. It could involve laid back jam sessions, on your guitar, with your mates in the future or a casual kick around of the soccer ball with your kids who are perhaps destined to come into existence.

When it comes to the compulsion to please people, perhaps the question comes to down to 'Have I been conditioned to please people?'. It's not often people will openly state the conditions behind the relationship we share with them. We learn the conditions and where the boundaries are (that we shouldn't overstep) as we go along. It's kind of like being subtly chastised along the way into the state of pleasing others. Before you know it, you're pleasing just about everyone but yourself. An example, in our youth, might involve suggesting to our circle of friends at school that we let a new guy/girl into the circle. If a firm 'No!' is the all 'round response, we may never overstep that line again. We live with the disappointment of that person not coming into the group and perhaps even some guilt that we never tried harder on their behalf. In a relationship with a partner, our desire may be to talk things out so as to resolve issues. If such open communication is often met with 'Stop raising issues all the time!', the boundary is made clear. We may make every effort not to communicate, which can become depressing.

I think there comes a time in life where we're called to set some boundaries of our own. This can be seriously challenging at times, as there can be a lot to lose and there's a sense of fear that can come with that. Of course, we can compromise along the way being flexible with where we set our boundaries but we have to at least have some idea where they are to begin with. Sometimes others have to face the challenges that come with where our boundaries are set. For example, if someone asks us how sexually active we are and we feel them overstepping the line (it's a feeling) it's important to state the overstepping, 'Do you seriously expect me to answer that?!'. Boundary setting and stating our boundaries out loud takes practice before it comes to not feel so hard all the time.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I understand what you're saying about the boundary setting, I think I struggle with this in the dating sense.

I am not sure of your opinion of this and whether you can relate but for example I may date someone I actually really like as a person but for whatever reason the compatibility for a long term relationship is not there but I believe a friendship could blossom. What happens is, particularly in cases where I know they like me, because I really like them for who they are I feel tremendous guilt and burden not to upset them by ending the dating relationship so my mindset is to keep hanging in there and maybe things will turn and it may just click one day. I feel horrible just saying it but I know they want a relationship so as not to let them down or make them feel used or unwanted I will hang in there. I end up getting depressed within myself not because of them as a person but because I don't know what I want in the whole process and I am trying not to upset people, including my parents who desperately want me to find a partner so I feel if someone is nice I need to go through with it if I have dated them for a month or two just not to upset them, come across as a womaniser or let me family down for squandering another opportunity.

I feel like in all that mumbo jumbo I sit back sometimes and think what do I actually want out of this or do I want something where I feel uncomfortable but just not to upset someone I will stay. I end up walking around feeling like a terrible person either way. I realise I may be naive to the fact that I can't control whether I upset a girl or not if I end something it's probably the manner in which I do it that'll dictate how bad they are upset.

I think I really need a timeout from everything I feel so unwanted by everyon, no one wants me around and why would they to be honest.

All my "friends" cancelled on me for my birthday dinner I had booked 5 weeks in advance to see people they are dating, which is fair enough I guess but I just feel horrible about myself