Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I used to think on occasion 'I just don't recognise myself', when behaving out of character, and I had no idea why this was the case. Then one day it hit: It's other people or situations that bring out different parts of me, sometimes parts I just don't recognise at times.

My brother brought out the jet setter in me some years ago when he insisted I do a bit of international travel. My kids brought out the fun loving part who I thought I'd lost at one point in time. Different people I'd met on my spiritual path helped bring out the natural or nature based part of me to explore and there are other people who are triggering in certain ways who trigger my highly patient self, my philosophical self or my completely intolerant self. While I used to be ashamed when my completely intolerant self came out on very rare occasions, I grew to realise I should not have to tolerate certain behaviour. So, in turn, such people led me to find greater self respect.

Sounds like the girl you were dating led you to find a certain carefree liberal part of yourself. Whether you want to explore that part of yourself further is a whole other matter.

While I expect to discover new facets or parts of myself in the future, based on the people I meet and my experiences or challenges in life, I'm able to recognise that there are parts of myself I don't wish to channel ever unless I am given no choice. I never want to meet with a part of myself who has to take me through the grief of losing a child. I pray that part of myself never has to come to life. I pray I pass before both my kids. I never want to have to channel that part of myself who will fight to the death to protect one or both of my children. I never want to channel that part of me who is forced to take the life of another. There are so many hidden parts of me who I hope I never come to meet with.

I suppose you could say there are certain influences in our life, growing up, who reign in parts of us. The risk taker may be reigned in by our mother. The sensitive or deeply intuitive side may be reigned in by the people who lead us to self doubt. The outspoken rebel, who needs to rebel for good reason, may be reigned in by certain systems we find our self in, like the school system. Once the reigns come off, through independence from such people or systems, we're free to meet with all those different aspects of our self. So, it becomes a matter of 'What parts of myself do I wish to meet with, am I ready to meet with?'.

[S_BROOKE]

Heya! Just stumbled upon this and wanted to say, I resonate with alot of what you've shared. I have been struggeling with these same issues for years. You sounds like an over thinker like me, analyzing every tiny detail from all angles, only to end up more lost then ever xD anyways I have no solution I'm still looking for help myself. I just wanted to say though, people who are down to earth and chill are absolutley attractive! These are the types of people I'm drawn towards. They're interesting, and mysterious & they feel safe to be around. There's also something really attractive about people who are happy to be in their own little bubble and arn't out there demanding attention or validatiom from others at all the time. Loud flamboyant people can be fun and they have their place, but some of us prefer to be around calm, chilled out people who arnt so demanding of our energy lol. Anyways I hope one day you can find peace with who you are and let go of that need to morph into something that isn't really you because I promise there are people our there who will appreaciate these parts about you. Keep being you so the right people can find you and love you for everything you are:) you sounds awesome.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I guess you may be right about different people influencing us or being out different sides of us. That girl definitely brought out a more liberal side to me and I have acted in ways that I don’t usually act, not necessarily in a bad way it’s just unfamiliar so I guess that’s what feels “wrong” about it.

I just feel like I’m going on my 26th birthday and I would have thought I’d have things figured out at a personal level by now but I feel like I’m way off it. Parts of me knows what I want long term like for example to have a partner but the process of getting there I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. Some months I feel like I’m on track and I’m doing the right things and trying to be true to myself, other weeks I feel all over the place like I’m not myself or acting out or something like that.

I see like my sister getting married on Thursday and it’s great I’m very excited for sure but part of me feels guilt because I’m down on myself because I feel a million miles away from getting to where she is. I’m 26 in a few weeks and I feel like I couldn’t be further away. Some weeks I feel like I know what is it I’m looking for and the other weeks I have no idea and I’m just lost in myself and where I’m at.

People tell me to try calm down because I have my career sorted and things like that but I feel like I’m faltering very significantly where it matters most to me and that’s in finding my place and a relationship.

At start of the year I was feeling somewhat energised and had things like getting into coaching for soccer and stuff like that to look forward to and I thought it would help but I’m actually worse, I feel ashamed of myself because I haven’t fully embrace like the soccer coaching for example or other things I had planned because I feel so lost at how I’m going to find what I want.

I’m not sure if you think I’m putting undue pressure on myself but I don’t want to be in the same position this time next year and no matter what I try every year I find myself saying “I don’t want to be in this position this time next year” and when that time roles around I am in the same position if not a little worse. I just have no direction I feel confused and like I’m just making stuff up trying to find answer in like a panicked type of way.

[Hanna3]

I think that was a nice comment you left here, S.BROOKE! I would agree with you.

[NaturallyNatural_I]

Hey Daniel, I've just spent the last month reading this thread and have been overwhelmed with a cocktail of relatability and emotional insights. Though I'm 18 years quite young, Oh Boy, reading this thread has felt like possessing a more comprehensible perspective on my deeply transitional period into maturity. Firstly, I very much ought to thank you genuinely for finding the courage within your heart to express yourself and highly turbulent experiences through this way. True courage. Also, I sense grace blessing you with the Rising's sage help and advice. Really direct your attention to the advice she has given you, because it to me it's an opportunity for you to more deeply investigate self-inquiry. You're not alone in this Daniel, you've got my empathy from how I relate to your experiences. Alittle strangely intriguing that I am also at a depressing stage of yearning to discover who I really truly (beneath all the fabrics of my ego), and I do find it lonely experiencing this at the age of 18. It's like no matter how many times you 'try to accept' yourself and flaws, it is not the same as a spontaneous acceptance. Take my premature words with a grain of salt Daniel, but I know in my bones that you can't find real acceptance in your thoughts and mental activity. It has to be located much deeper than your thoughts (whether they're depressing or euphoric). Your thoughts (mind) can be your wonderful servants, but they are terrible masters or abstractions that can consume. Apologies for my non-sense jazz and ramble. I can almost feel your pain and strain as my own in these conversations with the Rising and others. I highly recommend giving a listening to Gangaji a try on Spotify or YouTube. Consider the words from Alan Watts: "to escape from the discomfort of fire (suffering), go to the very furnace (core of suffering) of the fire and do not run away" (I might of made up parts of that 😉)

Seongha

(You'll be in for a treat when you discover genuine peace) ✌️

[Daniel12]

Hi S.BROOKE

Apologies for not replying sooner as I got distract

i very much appreciate everything you’ve said it does mean a lot given the current state I’m in!

I hope somehow this thread shows you that you yourself are not alone in whatever it may be you’re experiencing as well

[Daniel12]

Hi there

Thanks for commenting on the thread I really appreciate your kind words of support, I hope this thread has somehow helped yourself like I’ve mentioned below to see that were all not alone and you can reach out whenever and wherever you need.

You sound very wise for your age and I think that will hold you in good stead 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I believe NaturallyNatural I has offered you sage advice through their own experiences and efforts to obtain self understanding and direction. The philosophies of Alan Watts are quite interesting. While I haven't really looked into them to a large degree, what I have come across points to what's naturally depressing, what's naturally inspiring, what's naturally motivating etc. So, you could say he saw life and human nature from a very natural or soulful perspective as opposed to a socially contrived or ego based perspective. While I believe you to be a very natural guy, I wonder whether you'd relate to some of Watt's philosophies. Some of them may prove relatable.

Personally, I've found life involves searching and gathering. As I go along my merry way and sometimes not so merry way, I collect things such as philosophies, practices/habits, knowledge, outside the square ideas, people to add to my circle (whether through YouTube, in person or elsewhere) and so on. At the moment I'm in the process of collecting clothes as I'm rather fed up with dressing as who I'm naturally not. The way I've come to dress is bordering on depressing. It's quite blah and darkish.

I have found that it's what I've collected or gathered that has gradually changed me over time. I'll use the analogy of carrying a backpack on the path of life. We start off with a collection, in that pack, of our parents' ideas and practices. Then we meet people beyond our parents who add things to that pack, sometimes whether we like it or not (friends, educators, bullies and people in general). We even carry the comments of strangers with us, typically comments that have either inspired us greatly or weighed us down heavily. We collect words, thoughts, beliefs and practices/habits etc that appear to dictate who we are. Before you know it, you're largely carrying other people's stuff. You've made it all your own without realising. It's time to start unloading all that's just not you. You start becoming fully conscious of everything that's been put into your pack. No wonder that pack's been such a burden, so heavy, unhelpful and even depressing at times. Now there's room for you to begin gathering what you need.

In this day and age, the ultimate hunter gatherer is no longer the alpha male; the ultimate male, with evolving intelligence, is one who hunts for what serves him best while gathering it into his trusty backpack. He hunts for knowledge and freedom through knowledge 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think I take on board a lot of other peoples feelings/thoughts. It’s with good intentions because I’m trying to be good to most people but I think I’ve neglected how I feel as well and now I’m exhausted.

I guess I’m just disappointed in myself at this stage of my life that I seem to be like a yo-yo where I think I know what I want and how to get it and the next day I’m lost. There’s always confusion and pressure in my head that I should be at a certain level that I’m nowhere near. It becomes a very depressing feeling that I can’t shake.

I feel like I’m failing my life because I have no idea what I’m doing outside of work & family. I feel like I’m making decisions spontaneously and at random and I don’t even know how I feel about it all. I’m struggling to express how I feel at the moment and I think it’s probably making it worse.

[NaturallyNatural_I]

Hello Daniel,

Accepting who you spontaneously/naturally is divinely wonderful in it's own right, but why not in this moment, just be and come to terms with the experience of being depressed and hopeless. I know it will be the last thing you want to experience right now, but I find that wanting to feel/think a certain way that is not directly what you are not experiencing in this moment can lead to more intense suffering. Just for the purpose of investigation, why not just drop/let go of wanting a partner or to not feel depressed, and just really be still with the feelings of depression. That also includes your thoughts and mental chatter, let them go haywire and don't resist them. Enquire what doesn't change in this moment regardless of the strength or depressive nature of your thoughts. There has to be something deeper here, something eternal, if you are truly not your thoughts and ideas of who you think you are. I'm simply suggesting to not try not to resist your strong feelings and thoughts, but to just be with them in this moment; they're only the guests of your mind, not the owners. I think the Rising may have some agreement with what's said.

Seongha 😉