Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I feel for you so much as things sound like they're becoming pretty distressing for you. It's a horrible feeling, distress, and at times it can feel like there's just no obvious way out of such sickening upset. I think it's times like this where only in hindsight do things become clear. With hindsight we're able to say 'No wonder I was so upset at the time. It all makes complete sense now'.

It sounds like you're now asking yourself the really tough questions, which may help explain why things feel like they're getting tougher. Sounds like initially it was a more basic lot of questioning, 'Do I like her as a potential partner or not? Maybe, maybe not. Let's see'. Now, do you think it's a matter of 'How do I stay with her when I don't entirely feel like staying with her'? or 'How do I make something work that feels like it's not working?'. It's tough when you're a feeler and an analyst. Back and forward, back and forward constantly between logical analysis and feelings. Throw who you want to be or don't want to be into the mix and it becomes even tougher. Could sound a little like 'I feel this relationship may have potential, even a little. Logically though, can I live up to her expectations, throwing myself fully into the relationship, as opposed to gradually letting it unfold? But I feel if I end things now there will be so much upset for her. But, logically, it makes more sense to end things before there's too much hurt felt. I feel like a terrible person if I end things but, logically, I know I have to get past feeling like a terrible person, in order to get on with my life and let her get on with hers (where she can find someone who can throw themself into a relationship 100%)'. So much feeling and logic. The internal battle between feeling and logic can be brutal at times.

I'll ask you what may be the most logical question. Not entirely sure if it is the most logical question but I'll share what has simply come to mind. I'll let you decide. The question is 'Logically, should a relationship feel this distressing or hold this much pressure?'. Would you say the more doubts you have about the relationship, the tougher things are going to get and the worse you're going to feel?

I know not wanting to upset her is a significant factor in this but, putting that aside (I know it's hard), would you feel incredible relief if the relationship was over? There may be some mixed emotions, relief and elements of guilt but, over all, would you feel relieved?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think you’ve almost described the problem perfectly between logic and feeling. I feel like we get along great and share some good moments and feel comfortable but logically I don’t think I can meet her expectations at least not at the moment or in near future. I actually feel like we’d make a good friendship but I am aware that the possibility of that has probably gone or at least been blurred because of a physical connection we have shared. I feel like I’d actually be someone whose a good support to her as a friend and I wouldnt actually mind doing that as to me if nothing else we’re friends. I believe any relationship should start as a friendship.

The other element of feeling like a terrible person is that she’s shared some pretty personal stuff with me, which mind you I never asked to be told and I even prefaced it by saying if you’re not comfortable telling me don’t because we don’t know each other that well. I said that after she mentioned she’s opened up to people before who judged her and didn’t listen when all she wanted was someone to listen.

She said she was comfortable to tell me because I listen, I just listened to her and I think because I’m quite patient and in general I’ll try to support others whoever they may be I was genuine in my support. I guess I’m worried she’s going to think I just took what she told me and just disregarded it and used her which i didn’t.

The question you ask me is the exact thing I have been pondering since I last saw her, as bad as it sounds I would feel relief but I would also feel regret because I feel in a different time maybe it might have been different. But I would agree with your sentiment that it shouldn’t feel this distressing and pressured. Maybe I’m bringing it on myself a lot and I’ve tried to give this a go for that reason as well.

I think the experience has maybe showed me I’m not as ready for a relationship as I thought I’d be because I’m stressed over everything and then im constantly insecure. Maybe I need to relax myself before I can commit to someone but I know how that would sound to her if I said that’s the reason it would be like I used her which I didn’t.

I’m caught between wanting to see her because I do like her and then feeling like what’s best for me is to try and end it but I have trouble explaining that the issue is not her personally it’s more where I feel I’m at individually, I don’t know I feel terrible sorry for dumping this here.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I can understand why she adores you. I believe she senses everything you are: Deeply considerate, openly expressive with your feelings, a great listener/therapist, humorous, pleasing to look at (from what you say, quite modestly), a non alpha type who's typically out to prove himself, a friend with benefits etc. This describes pretty much the perfect guy, in my opinion. In you, I imagine she sees the ideal guy. You may be tempted to think 'I'm not that good' but I'll prompt you to look back over that list and then challenge you accept you're all these things to varying degrees. You gotta admit, it's undeniable. If you add to the list 'somewhat confused' (at a confusing time of your life) would you say this sums you up, basically, this list? Even getting a 'I suppose so' is good enough 🙂

With me mentioning the 'friends with benefits' aspect, just want to clarify. I'm not coming from a 'casual sex' perspective, it's actually a whole different perspective. Btw, I know you mentioned nothing's gone to this level but I'll ask you to consider the following. You could ask a couple who have been together for years 'What makes your relationship so strong?', to which their response may be 'We're friends more than anything. We listen to each other carefully and inspire each other. We're guides for each other. We evolve individually and together. We have the added benefit of experiencing, together, the type of energy that puts us both into a blissful state of activity. We only share this kind of energy (intimate energy) with each other and no one else'. They may say to one another at times 'I'm bored, let's generate some energy/interest' or 'I'm feeling a little flat today, how about generating a little hyperactivity?' or 'I'm stressed. How about some gentle relaxing 'exercise' together?'. They may see this kind of energy as a tool in their relationship as opposed to it being the focus of their relationship. Their main focus is friendship and mutual respect. The added benefit aspect comes down to what someone can give to or share with their partner.

If you feel you can't give to the relationship, even on a basic level, would you be depriving her of something she wishes to share (intimacy)? If this is the case, one way of thoughtfully approaching this with her could involve you expressing how you don't want to deprive her of something she wishes to experience with a partner. She could stay with you and not have that or find someone she could have that with.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


It became too much for me and I had a conversation with her and tried to explain in the most respectful way possible where my mind is at and why I can't seem to continue.


I mentioned that I do like her for who she is as a person, I have enjoyed our time together and whilst the moments of intimacy we had shared complicates things and makes it seem like I had ulterior motives throughout the short relationship I had with her those moments meant something to me as I have never really had comfortable moments with regards to intimacy with anyone and I was genuine in those moments. I don't expect her to believe that and I feel sick with guilt and stress.


I mentioned also that I have realised over the last couple days particularly that maybe I need to do more work on myself before I can dive into something with someone and I can't continue when I feel this stress about myself within the relationship as I will forever like a burden on the other person and would be unable to 100% commit myself to her and I believe that would be disrespecting her as a person.


I feel like a terrible person and like I have become exactly what I did not want to become, like the group of guys I have previously described. I am so ashamed of myself and whilst there might be a small sense of relief it's overcome by intense disappointment in myself for allowing myself to upset someone like this and not using my better judgement as to not being intimate with her given the state of confusion I may have been in. I feel like a self serving a**hole for lack of a better term and this experience makes me feel I am million miles off who I should be

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's the nature of just about any major challenge for it not to be easy for, I believe, the purpose of such an intense challenge is to change us. It can take a heck of a lot of pressure to change us. Sometimes the pressure is incredibly intense. Most things/people eventually change under pressure.

I'm glad you've found relief. Also glad you've discovered you're within a period of personal transformation/reform, that can perhaps more easily take place while you're on your own. While you wished for a relationship and it came, with another woman waiting on the sidelines, perhaps it wasn't until now that the direction you want to take has become more clear. I've found, while personal reflection can be undertaken while we have others in our life, deep personal reflection is something that requires a time out from the relationships we have in our life. I go into such a state myself at times. I become a bit detached during such periods. I regard it as a constructive form of detachment, such a period of self reflection. A bit like the natural ebb and flow of the ocean - I retreat before returning again. Into the world I go again with more knowledge, more self awareness than before, so I can enjoy life more with a deeper connection (each time).

I think the poop that comes once a challenge appears complete can feel pretty horrible. Can easily be left beating our self up at times. I think, in the poop, we can discover who we don't want to be, so that we can work more clearly and easily with who we do want to be. Daniel, to me it sounds like you were considerate and honest in that relationship. Perhaps this is something you'll more clearly come to see over time. Believe me when I say you're not like one of 'those guys'. I used to date those types of guys and you're far from being one. They're horrible, depressing thoroughly self serving people. While some of those types of guys grow out of being this way, some remain that way for the rest of their life. Some women marry those types of guys and suffer terribly in the marriage, the whole time wondering what's wrong with them (their own self), as opposed to addressing the fact they married a depressing narcissist. As you're aunt has touched on, you're far too considerate, conscious and sensitive toward others to be a narcissist, to the point of mental torture. You really wouldn't make a good narcissist 🙂

Would you say you've gained the ability to sense whether a relationship feels right or wrong?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I have been feeling pretty terrible and ashamed with myself for what I did. I know it sounds silly but I know I upset her and I’m not naive enough to think I wouldn’t upset her but I just feel like I did the wrong thing even though being honest was probably the right thing for her as if we continue her feelings and mine may have developed more and it would of been worse.

We did agree to be friends because I did say I actually liked her for who she was it just wasn’t feeling right in a romantic sense or it was too stressful with that pressure on it. So we are still friends and talking a little bit but that almost makes me feel worse, I feel like I’m such a terrible guy like I shared moments of intimacy with this girl which by the way I seldom do with anyone unless I’m comfortable so it did mean something but then turned around and “friend zoned” her but my intention was never to use her, I was trying so hard to try breakthrough with her and I felt it was probably a sign we were better as friends that I couldn’t quite get over that hump.

I feel it was opening up a lot of things I thought I had control over that I clearly don’t.

As a young male I don’t know how to act or how I should be. Whether I’m too nice as a male and not assertive enough with things like intimacy or even outside of that stuff and that does not make me a man. I feel like because I might be shy with intimacy at first until I’m comfortable I’m seen as boring or I lack masculinity.

I know that sounds ridiculous but I’ve realised that this issue runs pretty deep and there’s no certain trigger it’s just a huge self doubt that I’m not a man or I’m not fun enough for someone.

I don’t know how to control this anxiety and the insecurities it brings and that contributed to the stress I was going through, I feel pressure to be like “one of the boys” but because I believe I’m a bit more sensitive I’m less manly and not attractive to girls.

Then, without sounding arrogant, I’ve been told by dates that I’m attractive and that I should have heaps of options but I’m not like that and I feel like there’s this expectation maybe from how I present myself aesthetically that I’m going to be some big larger than life male character and I’m not and it disappoints people. Or in this case I always felt she thought I was being dishonest because she thought I’d have been with heaps of women and I haven’t and I just always felt uncomfortable.

I have no idea anymore if even made any progress a all

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I've come to find some of the most brutal times in life are times of reflection. Such times can be seriously triggering and highly emotional. They can also be incredibly confusing. I've found the internal dialogue can sound a little like 'What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? I thought I'd passed that stage or gotten through it or made sense of it but here I am, again, going through the same old thing. What is wrong with me? Am I broken?'. Can be enough to make you want to scream at times.

I wonder if you can relate to the following: I've found with a majority of the challenges in my life, there's a common thread that runs through them. Doesn't matter what the challenges are, how similar or incredibly different they appear, there is still a common thread. The common thread for me, throughout most of my challenges in life has been 'self acceptance'. Do I accept myself as not being perfectly perfect? Do I accept myself as someone who suffers deeply at times, when deep sufferance is there to be felt? Do I accept myself as someone who questions those who refuse to be questioned/do I accept myself as challenging? Do I accept myself as confused on occasion, as I'm gradually making my way toward greater self understanding? Do I accept I'm not going to please everyone because everyone is different and everyone has different expectations of me? Do I accept I make questionable and sometimes regrettable calls? To all of these things and more, I've come to say 'Yes'. I accept all these things about myself. Finally giving yourself permission to be who you naturally are is liberating. You finally come to see how much hard work is involved in being anyone other than yourself. No wonder life can feel exhausting at times 🙂

Something else I've come to find over time and that is...if I'm still feeling down and/or incredibly frustrated it's because the challenge I've been facing isn't over, it's still going and that's what I'm feeling. I'm feeling it still taking place. If it was over, I wouldn't be feeling so bad. Hope that makes sense.

So, while the challenge of reforming the relationship with that girl into a basic friendship is complete for now, would you say you're still feeling the 'common thread' that ran through it? Is the common thread 'self acceptance'? By the way, progress isn't always obvious until it's made obvious. Just because you can't see or feel progress, doesn't mean you haven't made progress.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Maybe I liked her more than I thought but I hope I made right decision for myself long term.

I have been pretty distressed about where my life was at the last couple days, last night in particular and I happened to read your post and I can relate to what you say about self acceptance, I also tried to reach out to a helpline where I spoke to a lady who told me to take the pressure off myself and trying to know exactly who I should be or who I want to be at every moment. I think this relates to how you say giving myself permission to be who I naturally am as the lady mentioned something very similar.

I have been working so hard to figure things out for myself I'm sort of uncovering more and more issues and it's deflating me as I often go to bed thinking "what am I doing with myself", this is in spite of having a solid family behind me and a good career. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel guilt because I have these things on the surface I should be comfortable with myself and the relationship stuff should happen in time but I feel like I don't know what I am doing, I feel sporadic when I think of what I want in a relationship or whether I want a relationship or whether I am ready. One day I think I definitely am, the next day I think gee whiz I am definitely not because I not comfortable in my own skin (this was a big factor in why I had to end it with that girl).

I feel as a 25 year old male going on 26 in a few weeks with my European background I should be secure in myself and know what I should be. I feel lost as to what makes me a "man" and whether things like physical intimacy in a relationship will define it and whether me being a sensitive guy needs to change and be more assertive etc. People see my job, family life, physical health and think I have it all together and I think I well and truly don't. Whenever I encounter a social situation the "what ifs" start, I don't know and I question my every move and self doubt. I feel like I need to be this strong solid man that has it all figured out and I am way off it and I am ashamed of myself.

I wish I had the ability to just live in moments and not stress about consequences, not in a bad way but sometimes I admire those so are careless rather than "careful" like I am. The my friend wants me to try pursue his girlfriends friend and she is nice and id want to but I know I am just not anywhere near comfortable in myself and there's just pressure from all angles.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

There's nothing quite like digging deep to uncover things. The more you dig, the more you uncover. Can leave you thinking at times 'Why did I start digging? Things were a little easier before I started trying to get to the bottom of things, like how I tick and what upsets me. Now I've become far more complex than what I first imagined. I have so many issues'. You can be kinda left wondering as to whether you're working to get to the bottom of things or digging yourself a hole.

I think some of the most expert of hole diggers are archeologists. Of course, they don't just dig holes. They uncover the past and study it carefully. They make greater sense of timelines and how things may have played out during certain times. With what they uncover, these things tell stories that relate to certain behaviours, ways of thinking, social and environmental influences etc. Their job is not to 'dig holes', it's to uncover stuff within layers that have built up over time. They can dig for days, for months and even years. So much hard work to find just the occasional revelation, the occasional gem of a find. If there's one thing that all archeologists will agree on and that's the importance of having regular breaks from digging deep, otherwise it's thoroughly exhausting work.

It sounds like you're digging deep constantly. I can relate to how this feels. When I go through the hard work periods that are required for me to be able to better understand myself and my circumstances, so that I don't return to depression, it can be hard for me to stop. It becomes almost obsessive. I have to find why I think, feel and behave the way I do. Once I achieve eventually finding something, I naturally relax. If I don't find anything significant, I can be digging for days on end. Sometimes it can get in the way of me living my life. Is it a form of OCD? Not sure. Doesn't matter really, for the goal is to achieve the objective of better knowing myself. I believe this is one of if not the most important objectives we're faced with in life, to better know our self so that we can live with greater ease, finding the flow. I think what creates the disorder is imbalance.

To find balance between analysis/thought/mental processing and feeling/thoughtlessness/emotional relaxation is key. Do you believe part of your quest may be to uncover what feeling good feels like, how thoughtlessness (not thinking) can be achieved and how you can relax your emotional mind/body at the same time?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

It's been just about 12months since I turned 25 and approaching my 26th birthday I remember thinking this time last year on my 25th birthday "where am I at with myself personally, (not career or family wise)?" and not knowing the answer at all.

Now I am about a month away from turning 26 and whilst I have put in a lot of work, gained a lot of experience for example I dating which I feel I needed because I was very "green" about it all, I feel like now I'm asking myself more concerning questions like "where the hell am I doing?" and I very much feel I have lost my way a lot. I seem to be acting in ways or letting myself make decisions I never usually would that are even out of character. For example with this girl I have been speaking to/dating I find myself doing things that are probably out of character, such as when we were intimate or have been affectionate usually I have self control with that stuff because I don't want to upset people if things don't work out.

I feel like I am losing my way a lot, I can't recognise or work out who I am. I seem to be making impulsive decisions that I never have made before and I feel uncomfortable but it's all coming from a start of confusion and uncertainty about how I should act and what I should be. It's not like the decisions I have been making have been things like turning to alcohol or drugs or something like that I still feel I am have my common sense in that regard. Maybe with this girl because she's from a different type of crowd or she's a more carefree/liberal type that has sort of come out of me a bit and I have acted a bit more out of character as I am usually a lot more considered in my approach to things. I don't know if it's a good thing because I might be "living" a bit more than I ever did previously but I am 26 in a month and I feel like come on figure yourself out. I have a good family, I have a stable career, I am healthy but I feel like I want a relationship but I am like all over the place with it. One week I think yes I am ready definitely it's time to stop confusing things and get it together and then the next week I am more carefree about it but maybe that's the approach I need to take. I don't even know what I am saying as I am typing, I have no idea what to do with myself, I feel really lost in myself and I can't even describe it.