Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It can be so hard to relate to who we truly are at times. We can have 99 people tell us we're amazing, tell us how conscious we are, tell us how thoughtful we are, how incredible yet we don't believe it. Then that 100th person comes along who shows it all to us in a way where we can finally relate. It's like they hold a mirror up to us and, for the first time, we actually see clearly who we are.

That 100th person holds the ability to take away all that blurs our vision/perception. They can take away the self doubt, the self judgement, the pressure to conform, the false beliefs that say 'I'm not good enough' or 'There's so much wrong with me' or 'I'm not a real man or a real woman in the eyes of society'. They can take away all the illusions that have led us to see our self in a certain way, the wrong way. Once all that blurs our vision/perception is removed, we see a clear reflection of who we are. We can go from 'I am not the person you think I am' to 'Oh my god, I am that person'.

The illusion of you being 'not man enough', can be replaced by the truth found in that heartfelt experience you shared with your aunt, how your heart broke for her and how deeply you felt that. This reflects not that you aren't man enough but that you are an intensely loving person who does not wish heartbreak upon anyone. The greatest and strongest of men throughout history have loved deeply. The most arrogant of men have been undeniably insensitive. This is rarely a trait a woman looks for in a man, insensitivity.

You can speak to a variety of women who will tell you 'While I have been with the same man for years, he has never been sensitive enough to know who I truly am and what I truly need, in a way that makes my heart sing'. To seek a man with a great balance of both masculine and feminine nature is a quest for finding 'the ideal man'. I should add, to seek a woman with a great balance of feminine and masculine nature is a quest for finding 'the ideal woman'. The ideal woman is not all loving and timid and doting, she has facets of a warrior when times get tough. She is courageous and strong, among other things. The perfect man is not all 'Don't worry Sweetie, I'll protect you' or 'How 'bout a roll in the hay?!', he has facets that are deeply loving, incredibly gentle and undeniably soulful.

In my opinion, quite often it is not the perfect manly man we are after or the ideal lady like woman, it's the perfect balance of self which is incredibly attractive 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I hope you are right that someone probably more sensitive like I feel I am isn’t frowned upon by women. Maybe past experiences are conditioning me to believe that and the groups I’ve grown up around.

I feel really on edge about myself at the moment and I feel like I’m a womanising piece of rubbish which I tried to avoid being.

I had a chat with that girl and told her upfront that I’m having a bit of a battle internally at the moment and I’m not sure of where I am at currently personally but I do think she’s lovely so it is nothing to do with her. I would be interested to see her again but I wanted to tell her I don’t want to promise anything because my stress levels are really high and I feel like I’m figuring myself out. I wanted to give her the freedom to choose to not talk to me/see me and pursue others or not feel the pressure to have to only pursue me.

I feel Im a disgrace because I’m so confused, I do feel interested but then I’m not sure whether I can sustain a relationship at the moment as I’m starting to see things I struggle with are very much still there and I don’t want to burden another person and maybe need a time out. Also I’m not 100% sure yet that we are even suited despite sharing moments together so I feel like a pig.

Im trying to see what happens and respect her at the same time without making promises I can’t keep I don’t know what to do with myself and I feel like a terrible person and my anxiety is through the roof everyday

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I can't help but wonder how conscious the girl you're seeing is. If she's highly conscious, you might find she is exactly who you need in your life right now. This leads me to think of the guy my daughter's currently seeing. He is so highly conscious it blows my mind.

I believe this guy is exactly who my daughter needs in her life. Apparently, from what she says, he wasn't always this way. Up until the past couple of years, he lacked serious self esteem while struggling with trying to think well of himself. Part of this was based on his soul destroying experience with bullying in the past. He began going to the gym, not to look all buff but to basically feel a greater sense of well being. Things took off from there. The better he felt within himself, the happier and more energetic he felt. He ended up feeling such an overall sense of well being that this led him to love himself for being who is naturally is. He just loves the energy he has as well as the energy of who he is. That's one serious 'work out', to work out facets of who you're not, in order to discover who you are. It's life changing and mind altering.

His balance points to both his determined nature and his gentle nature. Determined to achieve whatever he imagines is what drives him to achieve. He is driven by his imagination. On the gentler side, his Valentines gift to my daughter involved him composing a song for her while he played his guitar along with the lyrics. To tell you the truth, I'm jealous 🙂 His consciousness is what leads him to ask her why she can't accept the compliments he gives her. He encourages her to explore her thoughts and beliefs. I wonder whether the girl you're seeing holds the same ability. If she questions you as to why you think the way you do or why you believe the things you believe, she's possibly challenging you to consciously explore the things you need to seriously question or look at. While your relationship is in the early stages, so is my daughter's relationship with her partner.

Daniel, in my opinion you are far from being a disgrace. There is nothing wrong or disgraceful with seriously trying to work our self out. This is a period of a massive shift in consciousness for you. It takes some serious hard and highly emotional work, to get through such an intense mind altering shift. If you're feeling exhausted, it would be based on the hard work you're doing. Don't forget to recharge, otherwise all you'll be feeling is exhaustion 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


First thing, I am very happy that your daughter has found someone like that and I wish them both all the very best! That is the type of impact I’d like to have on someone one day as you mentioned I just think maybe I’m not good enough at the moment.


I think part of what seems to be eating away at me is that I thought I was ready for a relationship but I’m almost seeing that maybe I need some of my issues run a lot deeper than I initially even thought which scares me and I don’t want to burden someone at the same time I figure it out. She wants me to be honest with her when I know where I’m at and I feel like I’ve really been doing my best to respect her.


I feel a bit like I need a timeout to sort myself out because I’m so stressed and anxious I can’t relax at all and I don’t want to string someone along for the ride even though I like her as a person. We are different people a bit also which I think might end up meaning we’d suit as friends in the long run but I’ve really been trying to not make my decision to hastily like I have in the past and consider things carefully but then that’s where I feel like a bad guy because I don’t want to be confusing to someone.


My head feels like it’s going to explode with stress because I’m trying to do my best to get to know her but there’s things nagging at me to say it’s not right and that I need to sort myself out before I commit to anything with anyone.


Im feeling ashamed of myself for being so confused and not sure of myself, she had mentioned to me that a friend of hers at work that she mentioned me to says that’s I’m stringing her along and will drop her when I’m bored which I am absolutely not doing and now im even more anxious that that’s how I’m seen because I’m not that.

I thought I was ready and I was making progress I just feel a million miles away because I’m so on edge with everything maybe it’s just not right time I don’t know what to do anymore

[therising]

Hi Daniel

You sound pretty stressed and understandably so. You've got a lot running through your mind. Do you think it would feel like a serious relief if you decided to let go of the relationship or do you feel this is something you can gradually work through, with some careful strategies? Some strategies might look a little like breathing exercises or meditation exercises of some type. In mentioning meditation, I'm not talking about sitting there not thinking of anything, more so about choosing different things to meditate on, to help take your mind off of what's stressing you, even if it's just to calm your nervous system. A calmer body can help create a calmer more ordered mind and vice versa.

There's a huge variety of meditation choices - mediating on music and how it leads you to feel (in the way of sensation), meditating on the feelings of an amusement park ride, meditating on the beauty of the butterfly enclosure at the zoo or the incredible colours that come with a sensational sunset. These are forms of meditation you can either do alone or with someone else. You can even meditate on developing certain soccer ball skills. Maybe that is one you've done in the past. If so, you would know that meditation is about clearing the mind of distraction in order to fully focus on what you need to focus on developing. It's about attention to detail. The attention to detail involves where your foot is in relation to the ball, the amount of force and balance it takes to keep it going back and forward from one foot to the other, for example, if that's the desired skill to be developed. At the moment you're meditating on your thoughts. If you're meditating on how 'dysfunctional' you are, in your opinion, this is what you're giving your full undivided attention to. The practice of fully focusing/meditating on dysfunction will bring about the feelings that come with a sense of dysfunction. Meditation will almost always produce feelings, from incredible peace to incredible stress.

The brain is a tricky thing to master. The thing is, it will believe just about anything if what's presented to it is believed as being 'the truth'. On one day your 'truth' can be 'Being introverted to some degree is bad', whereas the next day you can be led to see the absolute truth is there's nothing wrong with it. 2 different 'truths', 2 different lots of feelings. The brain is largely a processor. It'll process any belief you give it. What beliefs are you giving it to process?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Just wanted to say thank you for your continued patience with me as I do not expect you to try to help me and you have been a wonderful help and someone I’ve enjoyed talking with, I will always appreciate it and I apologise for the confusion or over-dramatic nature of my posts at times.

I think you may be right in terms of taking a break, I had a chat with my Aunty last night who is like a confidant for me given she helped my mother raise me pretty much and sort of formulated a plan of action so to speak. Not sure what you would think and whether this is disrespect of me to do.

The “plan of attack” so to speak is to try my best to calm down and just see where the moment will take me with this girl the next couples of weeks and then revisit my feelings in general. I have been honest with her saying that I’m not sure where I’m at in this period and I do not expect her to wait around or only speak with me but I do want to see her again and just see what happens. If in a couple weeks after seeing her a bit more I still might be uncertain and stuff I will let her know that I need to focus on myself at the moment or if I feel like I can work through it as you mentioned then I will continue.

Does that sound dishonest or disrespectful to her ? She mentioned her work friend said I might be stringing her along which I took a bit of exception to (not to her just in my own head) because I am most certainly not.

My Aunty mentioned that unfortunately/fortunately however you want to view I am too nice a person to want to hurt someone so I neglect how I feel and put pressure on myself to make sure I’m always respecting the other person and it stops me from just enjoy myself. She did mention that it’s part of dating that you might see someone for a period and go your separate ways, this does not mean you’re a bad person unless you’ve intentionally been deceitful or something like that which I have not.

Part of it too is there’s a physical pressure on the relationship that I’ve never experienced and I feel wrong for doing anything with her but I think she definitely wants to with me, I just get anxious because I think too far ahead like what if this doesn’t work and she thinks I just used her like her past, sorry if too much info

Thanks for the advice on meditation I have tried it at various stages and it does help, maybe I need to force myself into a habit of doing it because you can probably tell I get worked up and my rationality goes all over the shop.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I've very much enjoyed chatting with you too. To add to this, I can honestly say you've led me to be more thoughtful, giving me the opportunity to think about some of the things I wasn't entirely conscious of before. I feel patience hasn't entered into it at all, btw. I never feel the need for patience when someone is working so hard to figure things out in life. Takes a heck of a lot of patience to tolerate the behaviour of someone who makes no effort at all, who has no interest in finding the best in themself while they flat out refuse to work through their challenges. You are working so hard and you have my respect. Also, in my opinion, you're in no way over dramatic. You're managing a lot of emotion.

Your aunt sounds like a wise and thoughtful caring person. She's taking both your and that girl's feelings into account. I can understand why she's your confidant; she sounds like a beautiful, gentle and enlightened guide who knows you well. I think the plan that always works best is the plan we can best relate to. If you can relate to her plan sounds like it's the right one for you. I think it's a very considerate and relatable plan, taking who you naturally are into consideration. I've found, with certain plans of attack, people don't take who we naturally are into consideration which is why these kinds of plans are destined to fail. Makes me think about how my husband used to say to our son 'Just hit 'em', when my son faced psychological bullying at school. This just wasn't my son. The plan had to be a psychological one. By manipulating his own way of thinking and flipping the script, he gradually began to see how he was in control of each situation. He became the leading character, eventually leading them to leave him alone. Based on the lead character aspect...

You're not leading this girl on/stringing her along, as her friend may suggest. While it may appear this way to the friend, the fact is - you've been completely open and honest with where you're at in this relationship and how you're trying your best to work through it. If anything, you're leading her to see things clearly. The friend is seeing an agenda that's just not there. Perhaps this is based on her friend's experience with manipulative males. She may not realise you're not like a lot of guys who can be manipulative and self serving. No, you're someone special and that's the truth. Perhaps the friend just can't believe a guy like you exists, someone who is incredibly rare 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thank you for your ongoing support, you have been a great outlet and I am glad I came here to try use this as a way of expressing myself as it lead me to great conversation with you and many revelations you have led me to realise.

I think my aunty's plan is a way of trying to release the pressure I feel to sort of please everyone in the situation thats causing me stress, it might not eliminate the stress/anxiety I feel completely but at least it may give me a like structure to follow. I know that's a silly way to see it but she described the situation better than I can as she has said to me unfortunately I cannot please everyone in certain situations and you cannot control how people with think of/react to you. She mentioned that I am trying my absolute best to give this girl a go and see what could happen despite the feelings I have and I have also been honest with her and allowed her the option to do as she pleases because I am aware of the mixed feelings. She then said because I am doing my best that's all I need to worry about, if in the event I do not believe she is right for me of course it might be difficult for me to tell her particularly if she likes me as my natural inclination is not to upset someone but aunty said do not just settle because you don't want to hurt someones feelings but at the same time realise that I have always been respectful so I am not like those guys I have mentioned.

In the grand scheme of things the situation is nothing compared to what others go through, I think it is just my intense levels of anxiety and stress which have really come to the surface and not wanting to be a bad person/guy if I choose not to pursue someone long term.

To make things more stressful, this person I met through a friend a couple times I have been told really likes me and I have my friend wanting me to pursue that. I have not gone on a date with this girl but now I am in a position I have never been in where I am caught in-between two people and I don't want to hurt/disrespect anyone and I don't want to upset my friend. My anxiety is through the roof, I am judging myself everyday and I seem to jumping from one thing to another to try and resolve it. One moment I try figure out how I can gently let someone down without coming across like I used them because it's becoming too much for me and then the next moment I don't want to do that because I have been encouraged to give things a chance by my psych and no be afraid.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think there's often the temptation to compare what we're going through to what others are facing. There's also that temptation to downplay our stress or our grief, declaring that in some way we're not entitled to feel the way we do.

I think back to when I had a couple of early stage miscarriages, about 18 years ago. I can recall feeling as though I wasn't entitled to feel the way I did, in comparison to some poor mum who experienced the overwhelming emotional sufferance of a stillbirth. The thought of this did not take the pain away for me, the incredible grief I felt around that time. When I consider such sufferance, I would not belittle the overwhelming pain and grief of a 2 year old who just lost his favourite Teddy bear, for it to never return. His pain and grief is raw and devastating, until it begins to ease. He has just lost the love of his life and he feels it so incredibly deeply. It is the depth of our emotions that leads to our sufferance (stress or grief), not the circumstances.

Also, never underestimate the impact of a brand new challenge. I think we can have a lot of little challenges along our path throughout life, ones that don't impact our mind, body and spirit to the point where it's almost debilitating. There is nothing that compares to a 'fork in the road' moment, where we face choosing who we're going to be, which path we're going to take. While one of those moments may resemble 1 or 2 of the simple challenges along a straight forward path, it's the intensity of the challenge that dictates it's a 'fork in the road' moment. This is what I have found in my own life. I've also sound that standing there, trying so hard to choose 'right', can be a stressful time.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think this situation I described below is really challenging and it's making me sick with stress if I am honest.

I fully understand in my attempts to be as respectful and patient as possible I may have confused the situation for myself to a degree. I think my patience and the fact that my natural instinct is to always be nice and give benefit of the doubt maybe has created a situation where I've neglected my own feelings and now I am trapped in a loop where I am so stressed about how the other person is going to feel is I don't stay the course that I am not even considering it from my end because I believe I'm a terrible person for not being at the same level as them.

There has been plenty of moments of self doubt and questioning because of things that are happening. I feel so much pressure it's actually making me sick because I don't know what to do genuinely. I have tried to be as upfront and honest as possible that I am going through a sort of transition period so out of respect for her I want her to know like where I am at and that there is potential that something serious may be too much for me at the moment but I enjoy her company and I am trying to get to know her deeper because we still haven't really got past say a basic level yet apart from physical side which I never intended it just happened naturally.

The problem and where I feel all the pressure is, it's being taken like "I'm playing her" or I'm speaking to loads of women or I am stringing her along for a ride while I am bored, none of which I am trying to do and I try to say this and then I get accused of treating her like a friend only. I am trying to express I enjoy her company and I don't know her well enough yet to make my decision so I am just trying to stay in the moment and do that but I will always respect her first and then also I am going through a tough period personally so if that's not for her to stick around for I understand.

Everything is getting misconstrued or there's pressure on every word I say or action I make and I hate myself for everything, I have no idea how to handle this