Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I see communication as being somewhat complex at times. Being complex, there can be so many factors involved when it comes to when and how people communicate.

You can have someone who doesn't have a lot of mental energy for conversation, therefor you won't get much out of them. On the other hand, you can have someone who's mentally hyperactive who just won't stop talking. It's incredibly easy for them to talk/communicate/converse. You can have those who have gained skills with experience and those who are in the process of developing skills. You can have those who thrive on open communication and those who are more so introverts, where the communication is more about the quality and less about the quantity or amount of talking. Whole stack of reasons as to why some people appear to be better at communication than others. For some folk, acting interested might be one of the skills they've developed. In the case of someone on the autism spectrum, it's a handy social skill to develop - acting interested when they genuinely can't feel interest. They may really like the person they're talking to and want to keep the conversation or connection going. Acting can help them maintain the connection they and the other person enjoy. It's more so about the connection than anything else.

As I say, lots of different factors behind communication. Don't beat yourself up too much as you're trying to work through becoming a more productive, experienced or relaxed communicator.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I have been working on trying to sort of improve the way I communicate or converse with people as I thought maybe I need to practice backing myself so to speak. I thought there was occasions where I’ve been a bit of mute in certain situations or group settings because I’ve felt incredibly uncomfortable in myself which comes from a lack of belief that I can do certain things. I guess a better way to say is practice being natural but try to add in a few things. Probably doesn’t make sense haha.

I’ve tried to jsut even if it’s in passing out at a social event say hello to people and try to strike conversation where I can without being something I’m not and try to act loud and larger than life when that has made me uncomfortable in the past.

I think also in terms of dating I’m still figuring out how to communicate properly as I feel I can take it too seriously within my own head and too literally. I’ve probably taken it to an extreme where for example I think if I date someone and I end up maybe kissing them or something like that then I am bound for life otherwise I’m a terrible person if I don’t commit long term. Many people have told me that’s not good to think that way as it doesn’t allow me to enjoy the whole process along the way. I am by no means someone who “sleeps around” so something like what I mentioned shouldn’t effect my head, if that makes sense.

So I feel incredible pressure that for example if someone likes me and im still figuring it out and something to that effect happens in the moment whilst I’m still figuring it out that I’m a terrible person and deceitful and like the guys I’ve grown up around who are the types to spend a night with a girl and then never contact them, and this is something I’m not but I feel huge pressure if something happens one night with someone that I am committed.

I know that sounds horrible and I even feel horrible typing it I’m just struggling how to approach something like that and it clouds my head. I am not someone who acts disingenuously and I’m not afraid of commitment but I do take something like that seriously. I’ve been a position where something happened spontaneously and then over time I didn’t feel right about it going forward and I felt like a disgusting person for saying it.

I just want to be able to relax about it and not feel that pressure because I always try my best to respect the other person

[therising]

Hi Daniel

What you say makes perfect sense, '...practice being natural but try to add in a few things'. There might only be a couple or a few key people in our life we can be our natural self around. We don't have to practice being our natural self around such people because it all just comes naturally. No practice involved at all. When it comes to everyone else, it can take loads of practice (relaxing into being our self). I've found there are actually some folk who I'll never be able to fully be my natural self around. This is generally no longer a problem for me like it used to be. When it comes to such people, I'll give them some elements of my natural self mixed with the parts of me they best relate to. Btw, a common side effect of becoming more your natural self involves losing people and gaining new people along the way. The ones you lose are the ones who can't tolerate who you naturally are or you've found you can't tolerate them, perhaps due to fully waking up to how closed minded or arrogant they can be.

It will be interesting to see how you experience practicing being more your natural self. Will be interesting to see what natural aspects or abilities develop over time. Will the natural questioner in you come to life a little more. For example, if someone says 'You're far too quiet', you may question 'What is far too quiet, in your opinion?'. They may respond with 'You just don't say much', to which your response may be 'What is there to say under the circumstances?'. It's interesting when you begin to question people over their statements toward you. You'll get a percentage responding with 'I don't know', as to why they made such a statement. Some people simply aren't fully conscious of why they make the statements they do, hence the 'I don't know' or non conscious response.

Will the natural 'student' in you come to life more, the one that studies human nature? Will you begin to wonder more about what makes the people around you tick the way they do, while focusing less on 'What's wrong with me?!'. Will you discover there's really not all that much 'wrong' with you, like you once thought? Will people around you begin to appear as being quite quirky and maybe a little insane to some degree? What sane person treats their fellow human beings with complete disregard, using them and leaving them to mentally suffer? You've already stated how conscious you are in regard to this, not wanting to treat women in such a way.

Interesting times ahead 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


It’s funny you use the example of someone saying “you’re far too quiet” and that maybe leading my to question it when I start to become more comfortable in my natural self because I feel I have experienced this more and more recently. It happened with my friends cousins and whilst I didn’t openly question it, in my head I remember saying to myself what does that even mean in the grand scheme of things because I could have said “you’re far too loud”. Difference would be firstly I wouldn’t say that outwardly to the person even if I thought it but more importantly I don’t being loud is bad in and of itself whereas I feel like those comments are said as insults.


I think I’m becoming wiser to it and letting it go, my response is often to laugh it off and say I’m a man of few words in a joke way. I think it’s helped me not stew over those comments intensely for days on end, I definitely have heaps of work to do as there’s some big issues I feel I have within myself that I have struggled to control despite all the effort.


I would like to think I’m conscious of how to treat others, particularly women but I have been going through a period of real disappointment within myself as a result of a few things that have happened. I am usually someone who really controls themselves with women so as not to use someone and then disregard them as you mentioned because that’s not me at all.


With this girl I mentioned I allowed myself to sort of let go of that control a bit and without going into detail a few things happened and I feel ashamed of myself because I let it happen even though I’m not quite sure we would suit each other long term. Now I feel like a complete pig because I know it’ll come across in a way like I used them but I did not because I do not do things like that unless I’m comfortable with the other person, it wasn’t until the following week where I sat back and thought about it properly where I really can tell we wouldn’t suit in the long term because our sort of aspirations going forward don’t align, it’s not about what happened or her as an individual I just think we’re obviously at different stages.


I just feel so horrible because I really make an effort to be respectful and this just happened and now I feel disgusted in myself that I don’t feel like she’s right for me and I’m probably now like all those guys I grew up with who have no morals when it comes to this stuff.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think when people make those comments, 'You're far too quiet' they probably don't realise the serious struggle behind it. For us it can be serious at times, triggering some internal dialogue which can go a little like 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so socially defective?'. But when the struggle eases over time, we can eventually come to smile or even laugh it off with 'I'm a man/woman of few words' or 'It's the quiet ones you gotta watch out for'. That last comment can quickly wipe the smile off a person's face as they contemplate what that may mean. Quick wit can leave you messing a little with people on occasion, for your own personal sense of amusement.

I never fully understood the comment 'Don't take yourself so seriously' until I began to not take myself so seriously. At some point I began to see myself as uniquely quirky and a little funny in some ways. The more I thought about some of my ways the more amused I became by who I am. An example would involve my memory. Because I don't exercise my memory all that much, not as much as I should, it reflects a lack of exercise. While having a poor memory used to seriously upset me and I hated people raising this as an issue, I've come to joke about it to some degree. While one response may be 'As long as I remember my own name, we're off to a good start' another may be 'I'm happy for you to jog my memory, just don't make it run or do a sprint'.

Regarding the girl you've been seeing, I know it's easy for me to say but try not to be too hard on yourself. There can be so many different ways in getting to know someone better. To get caught up in the energy of the moment can be one of those ways. 'Are we energetically matched in an intimate kind of way?' can be a valid question. Some folk can feel thoroughly excited by this kind of mutual energy around the beginning of relationship that it fuels the relationship toward finding something much deeper, at a more soulful level. Daniel, you're far too thoughtful to be as shallow as the kind of guys you describe. That's just not you, no matter how much you begin to question it. There's a difference between being self serving and getting caught up in the excitement of the moment. If you're someone who loves excitement in life, this is simply one way to feel it. If she's the same, then it's simply excitement that you shared together. Instead of anylysing where you think the relationship's heading, live in the moment and let it unfold. You may be surprised.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you are doing well

I think I am guilty of taking myself too seriously and maybe life a bit too seriously as well. I can take things too literally as well I think which is downfall as well. I think the feelings I have with this situation I am going through with this girl is example of that maybe.

I hope you are right when you say I am not like those that I have described because I am really trying not to be that way.

I am not sure if you have comment on this but it's sort of in a "see what happens" phase at the moment, I am genuinely trying to get to know her properly so I can see if anything grows or whether we would be better as friends. Do you believe it is disrespectful of me to still see her while I am figuring it out and then if in the event it forms more of a friendship overtime do you think I am considered self serving or a bit of a pig because we have shared a couple moments together without going into detail but such as kissing. I have said I am casual about things and genuinely seeing what happens and I am not the type to do that stuff if I am not comfortable and I am certainly not just trying to "get in her pants".

I just feel pressure that because we have shared some intimate moments together that I am being a terrible person by still trying to figure out what I want and whether it is right but I am genuinely trying to see what happens as we get along well.

I feel stuck in this position where I do like her and want to see what happens but part of me is also aware we are different/at different stages so I feel like disgusting person because I am not sure despite the intimate moments and then at same time I still want to see what could happen. You can probably tell the confusion in me from my post and I apologise it's just really sparking the over thinker in me.

I don't want to be classified like some of the people I know and have described because I am not that or at least I try my very best to be respectful and I hope it shows through what I have described.

The there's this person my friend wants me to meet/pursue which may take time, I am definitely not two timing or seeing two people at once it's just an idea that keeps getting brought up and now with the other girl I find myself questioning my integrity every minute of the day

I apologise for the weird post

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I recall when I first started seeing my husband. I believed we were seeing each other casually, due to his laid back attitude toward the relationship. It wasn't until a couple of weeks in that I realised he believed otherwise. While I felt horrible at first, the conclusion I reached made sense: The status of the relationship was never discussed between the 2 of us and it was a simple as that. I wasn't intentionally deceptive and that's the truth.

Seeking clarity from the girl you're seeing might put your mind at ease. If she's someone who doesn't like to be a part of a casual relationship that's one thing. If she's someone who's not at all bothered and feels like you do (let's see where this leads), not a problem. I believe the health of a relationship is based on how we relate. If we're not relating to being on the same page as each other, this is where issues come about.

For me guilt has become a constructive emotion. Believe me, it wasn't always this way. Guilt led me to suffer horribly over the years, before I came to redefine it. For me, guilt has come to be the emotion of higher consciousness. If I'm feeling guilt, this feeling is simply asking me 'Who do you want to be from this moment onward?'. If I've been careless, that feeling is leading me to consider becoming someone who is more careful. If I choose to become a more careful person, guilt doesn't simply go away. It will return to tell me whether I've gone off track. I'll feel it if I've gone off track, if I've been careless at some point. Guilt is a reliable part of my compass, giving me solid direction. I couldn't live without it. It has actually been an emotion that has constructively reformed me in a number of ways. I don't believe it exists to make us suffer, even though it can feel like it at times.

Perhaps guilt may simply be asking you if you wish to be a clear and careful communicator in your current relationship, making sure you're on the same page.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think it’s constructive the way you frame guilt over never considered it in that light before so thank you.


I did have a chat with her on the weekend which I think helped ease pressure off me. Basically I reassured her that I’m not the sort of guy that is trying to use her and then just move on as I would not have put in any effort if that was the case. I also tried to clarify what I meant by “casual” and that I did not mean casual as a way of using her for physical intimacy and that’s it. I mean casual by way of just seeing where it goes in terms of getting to know each other without the pressure of having to make a serious commitment too early if I’m still figuring out where I’m at on a personal level as well.


I also reassured her that I do like her as a person and enjoy my time with her and there is in no way any pressure from me for her to commit to me or not keep her options open as I respect her so I would not begrudge her if she turned around and said she sees us as friends going forward.


Hopefully by doing/saying that I have been respectful as a guy and not feel like those I’ve described.


I am genuinely trying to form something with her so I’m trying to take it a moment at a time and not go too fast because there are still some things I have doubt over


I guess that’s where I feel like a bad person because I’m still thinking about whether it would work whilst I’m seeing her and I don’t want that to come across as deceptive because it’s not


Sorry for draining the thread with this I guess it’s a good example of how my mind races a bit and I feel really uneasy and my anxiety is sky rocketing lately I’m struggling to manage it all

[therising]

Hi Daniel

You are such an incredibly conscious person. You blow my mind, truly.

You are conscious of who you don't want to be as well as who you do want to be. You are a conscious communicator in your relationship, even in its early stages. It takes some folk years and years before they're led to become conscious communicators in their relationship, based on relationship/marriage counseling. So, here you are, in the very beginning, achieving what it takes others years to finally achieve. You are conscious of her feelings and giving her the freedom to choose what type of relationship she wants. If she doesn't want casual (in the way of let's see where this leads), you're giving her the freedom to leave the relationship. You're conscious of the respect and consideration she deserves, while working on maintaining self respect at the same time. You have a maturity that typically comes with experience, a natural wisdom that takes others years to acquire. You really do amaze me. You are the type of person who would make an incredible life mentor to guys like my son - young men who are already conscious, who wish to work on raising that to higher levels. I think with experience we become mentors. This experience for you, as well as your past experiences, allows you to be an experienced mentor. This is something I was speaking to my son of, just this morning.

As I mentioned to him, his experience with bullying over the past years has led him to the point where he can say to another 'I know how this feels. I've felt the challenges, the pressure, self doubt, self resentment. I know what it is to be sensitive enough to feel both the loving and brutal nature of others. I've been on both sides of the fence'. He could go on to say, as a mentor, 'Once you begin to get a feel for depressing, degrading and abusive people, you develop your 'radar' which allows you to sense the most subtle of these kinds of people. You can be in a room with 100 people and you can sense exactly who is depressing, degrading and abusive, even if no one else can. You develop a 6th sense for these types of people and you learn that 'emotional detachment' can be an incredibly healthy and productive ability that provides clarity at times'. My son has gained a degree of great wisdom with a developing 6th sense, at 16.

I believe we develop our self the most through the most challenging experiences. Great self development can be a brutal, deeply challenging and thoroughly confusing process at times.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


Firstly thanks a lot for your kinds words that was nice to read and I hope I can possess these qualities you mentioned throughout my life. I think I always try to treat people with respect maybe a trap I fall into is putting so much pressure on myself not to hurt others than I forget how I’m feeling and allowing myself freedom to choose what I want.


For example with this girl I’ve put so much pressure on myself not to upset her or hurt her that I feel so anxious and stressed and am not actually allowing myself the chance to consider things from my view. My pysch mentioned to me if I see her for a month and then I revisit my feelings and think it’s just a friendship sure I may upset her or I may not if I say it but I can’t control her reaction but I have been respectful, honest and done right by her the whole time so I should not feel guilty or ashamed in myself like I do.


I think this experience is challenging me because it’s bringing out this I’m a bit insecure about in terms of intimacy, it’s probably more shyness if anything and wanting to make sure she’s comfortable with me. I get a bit agitated or anxious that I’m not wanted or not “good” and makes me feel like they’ll think I’m less of a man because I have a softer approach to it and maybe a bit shy about it. Reason for the shyness is I have had my Aunty suffer a history of abuse from an partner that I witnessed as a child so I never ever want to make a woman feel uncomfortable but I think I put huge pressure on myself as a result and makes me feel less of a man.


She is quite open with that stuff and asks a lot of questions and I have never experienced that, I’ve been honest the whole time I just sort of feel like the way I am is wrong or something. I think she doesn’t realise the pressure it sort of puts on me and maybe my fault for not saying something but I feel uncomfortable to say something for fear of judgement


Your son from what you’ve told me sounds incredibly wise for his age and how I wish I had his strength of mind at his age…he will definitely succeed in life I am sure of it with those types of attitudes as I have held back for long periods of time because of insecurity in myself and finding my place in society. Your son however realises challenges and ways to think through them that is a great skill to have at a young age which I wish I had!