Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think you mention a point that my psychologist mentions also about receiving feedback. She mentioned that you need to be prepared for the feedback whatever it is, good, bad or indifferent but also need to realise it could also be a lie to spare you any hurt so try not to speculate. I think that’s an issue I have is my mind wanders and I speculate a lot.


I think there’s potential in what you say about a woman sensing a vibe that isn’t there from me. I think you’re example of lack of confidence coming across as disinterest is a good one particularly in reference to me. For example, maybe it’s not that manly to admit but I get rather nervous when I think about kissing a girl after a date. The nerves is born out of not wanting to make the girl feel uncomfortable or making it awkward and also I’m not the best at “making a move” so I get nervous/anxious and I don’t just “go for it” like my friends say and then I feel they may think I’m not interested.


In terms of chemistry, despite the fact I give myself no credit I think I have a good ability to get along with most people even if for example that date is a polar opposite character to me and it wouldn’t work I’ve still been able to make the interactions pleasant. It could be more so the other person contributing to this but I’d like to thing I have some sort of ability to gain chemistry with people at least at a friendship level as I’d be surprised if dates I’ve had would say they thought I was unpleasant to talk to. The challenge has been chemistry beyond this friendship level as I don’t feel I know what it is to have that.


Interestingly in relation to this and Id like to see what you’d think about this but I seem to have this really anxious dilemma where I may date a girl a few times and think she’s nice and we get along well and all that but I think long term we may not be suited. I feel incredible pressure that because we get along well and they may be nice that I have to keep pursuing it if they like me because I feel awful if I don’t, it just makes me feel unkind and false if I was to say I don’t see something long term. That probably makes no sense but i feel an enormous pressure that if someone’s nice and we get along and everything I HAVE to pursue it regardless of whether I think it’s a fit otherwise I’ll be classed like those womaniser types I’ve grown up around.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

When it comes to that first kiss with someone new, I think it's about stating intention. We can state our intention in a lot of different ways. It can be done with a look, a pre kiss move, words or a longer than usual lead up (gradually creating a more and more exciting vibe over time). Looking back to my dating days, which is going back a bit, I think pretty much all of those were covered.

With the look, there can be a certain look that implies a kiss is coming. Whether you're the one offering the kiss or it's coming from the other person, it's the kind of look where it's like you can read each other mind. It's the look that establishes a deeper connection. With the pre kiss move, there can be dozens. Moving from one chair to another is perhaps the simplest move. It's about getting physically closer. Another move may involve taking care of that person. If you're out at a restaurant, taking care of the bill would be an example. Of course that only works if they're not someone who insists on paying their own way or they're not someone who's using you for your generosity. Words are possibly the toughest one because we can say the right thing, the wrong thing or something that sounds questionable. Giving someone a line, is about throwing a hook. Whether you hook them into a kiss with something like 'Do you know how hard it is for me not to kiss you?' which is a little corny but impressive at the same time in my opinion, right through to 'Do you mind if I kiss you?' which is partly about seeking permission, especially when the vibe's a little unclear, words can offer clear intention. You don't have to kiss someone on the first date, the intention may be stated through the words 'I can't wait to see you again'. One of the most passionate relationships I ever had was established through 'the lead up'. We'd connected on a few occasions and I could feel the electricity between us on each occasion. I just couldn't tolerate it anymore and had to kiss him. So, as the guy in the relationship, he didn't have to do anything.

I've found relationships to be an opportunity to bring out the best in each other and sometimes that takes time. If you feel she's just not the one from the start or it'll perhaps take more time to find or bring out the best in each other, sometimes it can be hard to tell. Not wasting time with someone you just don't click with doesn't make you a womaniser. Dumping women left, right and centre when you get what you want from them does.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks a lot for the advice I appreciate it a lot!

I figure what you mention is what would need to happen, I am a bit shy with what stuff for whatever reason and I’ve been told I’m not “manly” because of that and it probably feeds into the shyness more because of those experiences. I can understand how someone might feel I lack interest if I don’t do it but I’ve reassured people in the past it’s not that it’s more im just a bit shy with it, then they’ve been judgemental about. So as a result Im even more nervous about it now because I don’t want to stuff it up either way.

I think you are right and I am definitely not the type to dump girls left and right after something like that as that isn’t my goal when I do see people, my intentions are genuine. I guess maybe I have a naive perception of it because I feel bad if I see someone 3/4 times and then say I don’t feel like, I almost feel obliged to continue dating particularly if I feel they like me and are nice.

My doctor has said that’s not a rational thought because you are not doing anything wrong by giving it a chance a few times and then deciding you’re better as friends because your intentions are genuine. I wouldn’t intentionally lead someone on, I like to give things a go if I find the person nice but I wouldn’t do anything inappropriate or anything like that I guess I just don’t like the thought of upsetting people.

Maybe I need to calm myself down a bit and trust that I’m not a bad person, sorry I go over some things a lot I’m a bit disappointed in myself that I seem to do this a lot. I’ve trying hard to work on it but like it’s time like this I don’t see progress because I keep stewing over things that I shouldn’t. It’d be nice to go through a week without having this doubt i carry around. I appreciate all that you’ve done to help and sorry if it seems like I going over and over things.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Going over things, over and over again, is part of the process that leads us to conclusions that make sense. I can do it quite often myself. Even my kids say 'Mum, what is wrong with you. I thought we'd covered this'. I thought we had too (in regard to my challenges), until I realise they're not entirely covered/resolved. I think we can gradually cover things, as we go along, until we get a sense that we've covered them entirely. Even then, you may realise you haven't (entirely covered it, just largely). Hope that makes sense. It's like you wake up a little more bit by bit, as opposed to suddenly waking up completely.

You know that saying 'To take the bull by the horns', to courageously get in there without hesitation, it's not unmanly if a guy doesn't take this approach. Sometimes, to be a thoughtful strategist pays off and it can be appreciated by other people. To stop and get a sense of things can pay off. Sometimes it can feel like a fine line between the 2, which way to go. I think that can be the confusing part. Depending on the circumstances (a date, work, friendships etc) different approaches work in different ways for different reasons.

I agree with your doc, 100%. Nothing wrong with giving things a chance, to see if they're going to evolve into anything. If it's all done thoughtfully and respectfully, including putting an end to things, you've shown consideration and respect. In fact, you've allowed the other person to move on to find someone they're better suited to.

Things will gradually begin to make more and more sense to you as you go along. At some point things will make complete sense. At other times, we can be left feeling more confused than ever in the lead up to making better sense of things. I've found it's all a part of the process of coming to know our self better. You could say it's a little like gathering puzzle pieces until you begin to see the overall picture.

🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks again for your thoughtful words, they always seem to calm me down when I read your posts when I might be a bit “hyper”.

I’ve been feeling incredible pressure and anxiety recently in regards to a few things which often sparks the thinking of the same thing over and over again and it all jumbles in one big mess of thinking.

There’s a situation developing by at the moment whereby I met a nice girl on a date and we enjoyed our time together but I know logically it would not work long term because of a few differences in character and friendship groups and things we do. I’m feeling an incredible pressure that I HAVE to like her because she likes me a fair bit I think even at this early stage (we’ve spoken on phone and chatted for a while before we met). I would like to go out with her again because I feel it deserves a second date even though I feel with my head it wouldn’t work long time we aren’t suited. When I say that in no way do I mean there’s anything wrong with her and that’s where the pressure. Because I think she’s nice and she seems to like me I feel huge pressure that I need to pursue and keep pursuing this otherwise I’m a bad guy.

Generally I’d like to relax and get to know someone gradually but I feel enormous pressure because it’s coincided with me meeting my friends friend and there being interest there too. I haven’t gone on a date with that girl but I’d hope it might build to that. Therefore I feel like a terrible person for keeping my options open.

I find myself incredibly anxious and I’m not relaxed, I really don’t want to upset anyone and make them feel bad at all about anything.

Since this started my minds been on haywire and I can’t stop feels like I am suffocating

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel (and hi The Rising)

If you Google "dating is stressful" you'll find out just how tricky lots of people find it!

You can tell this girl you've met once a white lie, and say she's great but you've met someone else who you think may be better suited to you and wish this girl all the best. End of problem.

Or you go out with her again and then if it doesn't work out, you will have to explain that to her, and you both move on. You just do it as nicely as you can because you know yourself that rejection is painful.

As you can see, it's hard to avoid hurting people sometimes and you just have to try to be tactful and try to be as kind and decent about it as possible.

Have you tried the STOP method for overthinking? When you find yourself ruminating over and over you say STOP to yourself.

S = stop what you are doing

T= take a breath

O = observe. What is happening inside you, and outside of you?

P = proceed mindfully

I've found this technique very helpful.

Cheers 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Hanna offers much sage advice. From the google suggestion through to how to manage overthinking, she offers a clear perspective on what can make a constructive difference.

Finding others who struggle with a particular challenge/set of challenges can definitely make a difference. Can lead to the realisation 'So, it's not just me who has trouble with this or suffers through this'. As I may have mentioned, I found this to be the case when I attended post natal depression group therapy. Everyone in the group had struggled with depression for many years in the lead up to the added challenge of post natal depression. We all related to the challenges that come with depression. It was a relief to discover what was normal, under the circumstances. I imagine you won't get many alphas who can relate to the challenges you face but you will find plenty of non alphas who do.

One of the things I've discovered with over thinking or over analysing is...you can feel when you're doing it. I'm still in the process of mastering when I'm feeling myself over thinking, while mastering recognising when and how to switch it off. I suppose part of it's about learning to read the different levels. From my experience, basically thinking has no real feel to it. Thinking beyond basic starts to generate emotion where you begin to physically feel your thoughts. Over thinking really starts to work up the nervous system. Before you know it, your body's beginning to vent (sigh). If you catch yourself sighing, it's often a sign of over thinking, a cue to settle things down. Finding a distraction can work but it's a matter of fully focusing on the distraction, not going back and forward between the 2.

Eckhart Tolle's book 'The Power of Now' is a best seller for good reason. It's about how to live in the moment without thinking (to various degrees). Fully living in the moment allows for things to naturally come to mind. For example, you could be thinking 'I truly like this woman who I haven't yet officially dated, whereas I'm not so keen on the one I've been seeing. What do I do?'. If the challenge is to get a feel for the right relationship, you'd have to initially see each one and then weigh up your feelings. The words 'Which relationship feels right?' may naturally come to mind, without thinking. In the meantime, not taking things to the next level with the existing girl while organising a date with the other to move things along, could be a considerate way of managing the process.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Yes Hanna offers great advice, I try this STOP method with a rubber band around my wrist flicking it when I start to overthink in order to "snap out of it", sounds strange haha

I think you are spot on with finding people who have experienced similar, even just posting on here has shown me that. I think also as I have been struggling with a lack of identity finding my crowd as you've mentioned before is important or at these those that value what I offer. I was away over the weekend to celebrate my future brother in laws bucks party, was a group of about 15-20 friends and myself and my brother as the brother in laws. I have met my future brother in laws friends quite a few times so it was easy for me to acclimatise but I also think that I have always been respected and valued by these guys compared to my own group of friends. I would still say these guys are generally more extroverted than me and out there like an "alpha male" as I have described it for lack of a better term but I found a key difference is they do not make me feel "less than" when I'm around them. Rather my brother in law has mentioned a number of times how much I am well liked by them for the very fact I am more laidback/quieter in nature and like to laugh and easy to talk to. Maybe that's just because I'm his brother in law and he's dating my sister who they know so you can't really say something bad but I'd like to think not. I guess the point of what of bringing that up is that I have always felt out of place in my own age group it's a bit of shame I am not really part of that group of my sisters friends and would be a bit awkward for me to "join" per say.

Thank you for your advice on that situation I mentioned it is very sound and I think you propose a good idea, I think given the girl my friend introduced me to is more of a "wait and see" at this stage I think seeing how it goes with this existing girl is not a bad thing and just not putting pressure on myself to move it more and more forward. I guess I can only really see where it takes me because there is interest there it's just more a case of thinking long term I don't think I am right for her but my psych has encouraged me to go on a few dates if there is some level of interest because at least you can be sure, she also mentioned that in dating hurting someone you can't really avoid in some cases so as long as you conduct yourself in a respectable manner which I believe I do then you can't beat yourself up.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I'm glad you found proof of the truth, within your future brother in law's group of friends, that you're of value while being easy to get along with. I think a lot of groups have what I'd call their 'light', the person in the group they feel naturally drawn to for a variety of reasons. I'm wondering whether you're a 'light' person. You can be in one group where people don't recognise their light, whereas in another group they do. You can have an obvious light, the kind of person who's a stand out leader and/or you can have a subtle light, which can be just as bright. The subtle light of the group will be the person who's easiest to talk to and has some natural sense of wisdom (which they may be in the process of developing without fully realising). Often it's the most sensitive person in the group, a real 'feeler', the kind of person who finds it fairly easy to get a feel for things. Keep in mind, while a feeler can easily get a natural feel for the way forward for others, they can struggle with getting a feel for things in their own life. I know a couple of people like this.

Never say 'Never'. You can't say for sure that you won't become part of you BILs circle of friends to some degree. Sounds like you've already made your mark within that group. You've already established how well liked you are. Your BIL didn't have to tell you this, let alone tell you more than once. Sounds like he's stating or reassuring you of the truth. At the wedding, you may seal the deal which leads him or one his friends to say, before one of their future outings, 'Why don't we ask Daniel to come', to which another says 'Good idea. He's such a nice guy'. There's that 'nice guy' aspect working for you.

Regarding the girl you're dating, over time you may come to find each other to be quite fascinating. You might come to find that you wonder as much as each other. Evolving with a wonderful person, who's full of wonder, is a magical thing. While one wonder filled partner may say 'I wonder what Cajun food tastes like', the other may say 'Let's find out'. While the other wonderful partner may say 'I wonder what it would be like to fly to Fiji for a week', the other may say 'Let's do it, even if it's just to see'. Wonder filled people have a tendency to naturally inspire each other. Wonder leads people to adventure. Wonder leads people to recreation, one of the greatest forms of re-creation of the self 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I mean I do get along with them it seems but I don’t have a standout personality to be honest that has really ever attracted me to groups where a scenario like you mentioned would occur. Whereas I think my other friends sort of get people gravitate toward them more so I sort of get a bit uncomfortable in myself around groups because there’s pressure to sort of be noticed I guess.

For example, what usually happens I feel in a group is I’m sort of on the outside of the conversation or floating around conversations and I would have to go up to someone to engage conversation first no one really ever comes up to me. That in and of itself doesn’t sound like an issue because it just means I have to start conversation but it does feel like no one really cares that I’m there or not. I don’t know it it’s because I’m laidback/quiet that people don’t feel the need to come up to me but feels more like I don’t really draw people to me whereas other friends seem to get other people in these groups to go up to them and stuff like that, maybe I overthink the whole thing.

With this girl I mentioned I don’t think I am doing the wrong thing taking a casual approach to the situation and sort of keeping my options open without really pursuing anyone else. I have mentioned to her that my attitude is casual and I am just seeing what happens when it was brought up. So I think I have been upfront, I think I am worried about coming across as a womaniser as she has dated these types in the past she mentioned and I am certainly not that.

My pysch encouraged me to give these things a go whilst I’m still figuring it out and be casual/relax about it and try enjoy it along the way unless I absolutely know for sure. I do like her and we get along well I think where I feel terrible is my head says long term we probably are not suited but at same time I’d like to see her again and see what happens, I feel like a bad person for saying/thinking that but I don’t know if I just need to relax and I’m overthinking it. Sorry to ramble on about it I appreciate your patience.