Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

It might be worth having a chat with your psychologist about it - the pandemic and lockdowns have made lots of people more socially anxious - you went through a very long lockdown in Melbourne and I think some people found mixing with people after being isolated for so long made them feel quite nervous through sheer lack of practice!

Hang in there! It's difficult times to meet people, let's hope things improve during this year!

🙂👍

[therising]

Hi Daniel

How did your weekend go, especially in regard to the dinner? Did you feel yourself making any progress or do you still feel that 'stuckness'? If you felt stuck in the same cycle, simply means there's more work to be done before you begin to feel a difference. I believe one of the most common questions faced by a person conscious of the need for change is 'Why does progress feel so slow at times?'. This is something you rarely ever a hear a semi conscious person say, probably because they're oblivious to the need for change. Amazing how may people there are who don't feel that need. Such people can send us a little crazy at times, especially when we're left feeling the need for them to change in some constructive way 🙂

I mentioned your advice to my son and he smiled as he related to it. He asked me to pass on this thanks to you. We explored it further, the cool people thing, and came to the conclusion - the cool people will accept you (as you say) whereas the somewhat dysfunctional people won't. Whether it involves a bully stuck in a state of obvious dysfunction (to the point of abuse, aggression, degradation, humiliation etc) or a person who doesn't know how to function when it comes to bringing the best out in someone who's shy, we're going to face a variety of dysfunction or dysfunctional people throughout our life. Flipping perspective: 'How do I manage someone who doesn't know how to bring the best out in me?', the answer may simply be 'I don't have to manage them. I can politely have little to do with them, if that's the best course of action'. The ultimate conclusion: Look for the cool people who don't make such a big deal out of shyness. They're cool and calm when it comes to other people's shyness or lack of confidence or anxiety. They're laid back and can lead us to feel laid back too, enough to naturally bring out the best in us. The truly cool people have their ways 🙂

I imagine, the coolest of people will lead us to feel the least flustered. Perhaps, that's how we spot them. I imagine there have been times where you've been cool enough to lead someone to feel more relaxed. You might find this cool side of you in your soccer coaching, when it comes to helping younger people find the best in themself, while perhaps joking a little into feeling more relaxed. I imagine you're a pretty cool guy at times Daniel 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

The dinner Saturday night went surprisingly ok, I definitely felt anxious leading into it but I didn’t become overcome by it where I felt trapped in my head. I met my friends girlfriends friend which is who he wanted me to meet which is what made me anxious in the first place leading up to it because I didn’t want to seem weird. I felt like I was pretty normal though, was able to bring out my likeable/humorous side in a more relaxed way. I think the points you’ve made about the crowd/people you are around sort of rang true. I get along really well with my friend and his girlfriend and this girl was quite similar to me I felt in the regard that she basically admitted she’s shy at first. I’m a strange way I felt more comfortable as a result of that because with people like that I don’t feel like I’m on trial.

Sort of a weird situation now, I’ve met her once and my friend suggested don’t worry about adding her on social media or anything just yet just meet a couple more times in a group setting. Maybe that might benefit me to naturally get to know someone. I don’t really hold out much hope that it could go anywhere beyond a friend zone as that’s usually where I find myself.

I’m glad you mentioned that to your son and he can relate! Unfortunately I believe I found myself half in the right crowd and half in the wrong crowd when I was his age. The wrong side had more boisterous characters and it was very much a “boys club” type setting which never suited me and created immense pressure which I believe relates to those thoughts I have about “alpha males” now as I grew up around pressure to be something I wasn’t in order to be “cool”.

It’s funny now I think about further what you say about it, these people have never really brought the best out of me rather they bring out confusion and depression. I think because of that and possibly me not being strong enough to see through it I haven’t realised where I’m actually appreciated. For example with my soccer club I had been given the captaincy in 2017 and was captain until last year where my head injury caused me to stop playing. That could be an example where I am appreciated although I never gave it credit at the time even though I was voted by my teammates. Many of these issues I have and keep having come from that period in my life where I spent everyday worried about who I am and how I came across that I didn’t actually develop I believe. It still leads to a lot of depressing periods for me.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I'm so glad the dinner went well and you could relate to each other in such a way. I love the vibe of someone who has nothing to prove. It's such a relaxing feeling. I have family members and work colleagues who give off this vibe and it makes it so easy to be around them. With such a vibe you can feel the freedom, to be yourself. They're the kind of people who don't state, in way way or another, 'You're wrong and I'll prove why. You're foolish and I'll give you proof... You're defective or dysfunctional in some way and here's proof of that. Your heartfelt beliefs are laughable and I'll prove it my laughing at you'. So many people who are more than happy to give us proof of how they've got it right (in their mind) and we haven't.

It's amazing how when you start to really get a feel for people, you can look back and gain a clearer sense of the dynamics of certain relationships. I use something you mentioned as an example. We could look back to our school days and describe the certain vibe of a person or people as 'Cool, calm and collected' because that's what it feels like at the time to some degree. With greater experience/reference, we could look back and say 'What I'm now feeling from them is a low or arrogant vibe, which can be depressing'. There lies the conflict. At the time we may have been feeling from them both cool, calm, collected and depressing, at the same time. The conflict isn't necessarily in us, the conflict can come from their conflicting natures and that's what we're feeling or sensing. Hope that makes sense. Just to elaborate: You can have a cool laid back person who is so laid back they don't feel the need to use a filter. So, without a filter they may simply feel the need to get a laugh but it comes to be at your expense, which can definitely be depressing to some degree, especially if their 'humorous' words are heartbreaking in some way. I smile when I think how we could feel a cool, calm and collected vibe from a Tibetan monk and we'd be guaranteed there'd be no depressing vibe at the same time, based on their level of consciousness, their level of awareness. I imagine the vibe they'd lead us to feel would be more so about a sense of peace, simple joyfulness and self acceptance. Personally, I never went to school with someone who had the vibe of a Tibetan monk 🙂 In reflecting on those years, it felt more like a big pool of people struggling with the challenges that come with ego. Crazy days.

🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you’re doing well

I maybe because I felt that the person my friend wanted me to meet, based off first impression, is probably similar in nature to me I seemed to have felt at ease a bit or at the very least I was able to manage different moments of anxiousness I had during the night. I didn’t feel like I was on trial with the people around me like I have done many times before and I think naturally I was able to let myself show a bit more, sometimes it’s night like those that make me think maybe just being my quiet natured, calm self is good. Issues have arises when I’ve tried to be something else because I’m ashamed of myself.

I think that definitely makes sense the example you use, you put it much more eloquently than I can. I think through wanting to have friends and be accepted as a kid I felt that those around me were “above me” and “cool” and then as you mentioned without realising it at the time it would have led me to feel depressed.

It’s definitely spilled over into my adult life because I still have deep insecurities about it, for example (apologies for the crass example) but because I’ve been around the type of group I mentioned from school even in my young adult years I think as a young male it’s been a big challenge. For example, the number of sexual partners you have or haven’t had is thrown around like a competition sometimes and as someone who has been brought up the complete opposite and to be honest is shy about it it’s been a bit struggle to find my place as a male.

I’ve had and still have times where I question whether I am a man because of things like that and whether women would judge me whatever my experience or lack there of as a red flag.

The point of what I am saying is it’s been conditioned in me from this period from my teenage years and then early adult life (18-21). I’m constantly questioning my manhood as a result and it’s one of the key things that sparked all this depression and loss of identity.

That is why, and I know for certain you give your young son great advice, I mentioned previously that at your sons age my advice is find the 2-3 friends that WANT you around and that CHOOSE you and stick fat with them, don’t try chase a group that doesn’t value you which was sadly my mistake!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I've come to wonder whether the ultimate test in life is to flip or change our perspective. I have found once my perspective changes, I change for the better. Not only do I change for the better but I feel myself come back into the natural flow of life. Nothing quite like the feeling of being in the flow.

With you mentioning one of your challenges at school involving you seeing certain people as being cool and above you in certain ways, I see you as being more evolved than them in so many ways. If some of the challenges in life involve us evolving to be more open minded and less judgemental, more gentle and less harsh, more accepting and less rejecting, more of a careful listener and less of a talker, more sensitive and less insensitive, more considerate and less inconsiderate and so on, would you say (looking back) you were highly evolved or at a much higher graduation point? Did they still have a lot to learn? Bamm, you were already there at those levels. It's not about degrading them, it's about grading your own level of evolution or progress as a person. In hindsight, would you say you had to come down to their level, in order to be accepted? More of a 'heavy' ego based level than a soulful level. If so, how did the heaviness feel? Comparing those lists:

• Open minded
• Gentle
• Accepting
• A careful or caring listener
• Sensitive
• Considerate

vs

• Closed minded and judgemental
• Harsh
• Rejecting
• A non listener
• Insensitive
• Inconsiderate

If you had to choose a list, which one would you choose when it comes to who you want to be? If you chose the first, you're already that person.

My son would agree with you 100% when it comes to what should not be spoken of. While his friends may speak of their 'conquests', in regard to females, he comes from the perspective of respecting a girl's right to privacy over intimate matters. He cannot stand hearing about what is a girl's personal business. This is something that seriously agitates him to the point of anger at times. He's actually in the process of changing his friend circle for a variety of reasons, one being he just can't tolerate suppressing his anger toward people who laugh off his concerns or opinions. In his opinion, it's too much hard work, managing such intolerance and suppression. I asked him whether his new circle has a higher lighter vibe about them. His response, 'Absolutely'.

As I say, it's not about degrading others, saying 'I'm better than them', it's about focusing on the desired level we're at.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I definitely believe that I tried to changed myself in order to be accepted and it looking back I always felt uneasy in myself. I think I may have never really been comfortable in myself at all as my mindset was always how can I be accepted by friends, I never really thought about it from the way I felt. Kind of like putting these people on a pedestal.

I think this affects me a lot nowadays for example with dating. It’s not so much I don’t think I’m nice guy or whatever it’s more so that I think I am just a nice guy but that is unattractive because the people I grew up around are less nice and more arrogant. Like this sounds really strange and messed up but if I get called really nice by a date my head gets triggered by it to think “oh no she doesn’t think I’m a man” or “she thinks I’m soft” when I should take it as a compliment. It’s a big struggle I have because my default setting is to get down to earth but I have this insecurity that I need to be more arrogant or whatever like the group I’m around.

it’s the same when I was a kid I just always feel uneasy in myself like as a male is bad to be the way I am.

Im very glad your son has taken those steps now, he sounds incredibly perceptive, smart and courageous. I lacked the courage to do that when I was his age out of fear of rejection and embarrassment. I still have this now which is probably while I feel like I described above.

I tell myself the right person will understand but I’m not so sure lately, I’ve been really questioning whether I’m manly or whatever because I just come across nice, it feels boring and weak.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I can understand where you're coming from. It makes perfect sense. I think what doesn't make sense if how we're led to 'wing it' when it comes to gradually getting to know our self.

I imagine if we all started off with the ability to be a nice guy or a nice gal then we'd all start off on the same level. So, 'nice' is everyone's foundation, which would make life so much easier and far less depressing at times. Taking the 'nice' foundation and building upon it should perhaps be the goal we're all led to achieve. You'd have a nice guy/gal who's an adventurer, a nice guy/gal who's a good listener. Same goes for being a good lighthearted joker, philosopher, thinker, carer to others, lover of self and so on. Imagine having conscious lessons in developing the adventurer, listener, lighthearted joker, philosopher, thinker, carer to others, lover of self etc. Would make life so easy, that's for sure. So, where are the lessons? You can have the foundation of 'nice' without the lessons, when it comes to the craft of building upon that.

While I have much to continue building in my life myself, I think of the frustrations of being married to a nice guy who's lacking in what the relationship really needs, in my opinion. He is a nice guy who doesn't fully listen to what he feels needs work or is stressful, from his perspective. He's a nice guy who has no interest in adventuring or philosophising or wondering about a variety of stuff. So, with the foundation of being a nice guy, the relationship remains uninteresting. It's hard for me to maintain any interest in it.

Daniel, you have the foundations of a nice guy who is open minded and desires growth. This is a magnificent combination. You're a grower or a builder in the making, a craftsman in the process of crafting. I know it's hard but don't underestimate your abilities as a craftsman. Whatever it is you wish to build, develop it. You're such an incredibly brilliant person, in my opinion. From my experience, as I come to make greater sense of the darker moments in my past, the brilliance begins to grow and grow. I believe this is how consciousness works; it's a brilliance that grows over time, with greater awareness.

🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate that, you are a truly wonderful person in my opinion.

I think when you mentioned for example being a nice guy but uninteresting that is the fear and insecurity I have. Like sometimes I feel like because I’m nice dates think I’m uninteresting or boring or I’m not classified as attractive or I just feel like a “friend”. I seem to have an issue with accepting it because I often have felt like I’m nice but what else am I that attracts people.

Then there’s certain instances that confuse me, for example recently by a few dates I’ve been told that it’s surprising I am nice given they think I’m attractive and would think I’m more narcissistic or something as a result. I feel like this is a compliment but the tone of the way these people have said it’s almost like they are disappointed or like they think my niceness is a lack of confidence. I don’t know if I’m taking this the wrong way in my confusion and depression in myself. It has been a common theme recently. Im just confused because I feel really unsure of how to act.

I feel like I’m grappling against the urge to change parts of myself like I have in the past at school and be more like those I grew up with and maybe I won’t feel this way, but logically I know this isn’t right. I’m really frustrated with myself that I can’t just accept it and move on, it’s disappointing that I view comments like this in a bad like and it makes me question myself.

I know I sound really stupid with the example I just used but I don’t really have a way of thinking of it to help me not over analyse when this is said. I’d like to think it’s a compliment but I just feel shot down at the moment. Sorry for my confusion I’m finding it hard to articulate to anyone at the moment.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's hard to know what people are thinking sometimes. It's the blunt people who leave no questions unanswered. Sometimes I can feel stuck in the middle when it comes to honesty. In order to progress, I want straight forward feedback from people but another part of me doesn't want to hear it, for fear I'll crumble under their opinion. Whether you want a girl's honest reason for why you're not the guy for her is up to you. It could be something as simple as 'I'm not feeling the vibe, I just can't feel the chemistry'. Inquiring further, 'Why do you think this is the case?', you'd be looking for more than the response 'I don't know'.

I believe vibe and chemistry to be 2 interesting factors. Misinterpreting the vibe we're picking up on can lead to the wrong conclusion. When it comes to the vibe of a date, could women be sensing what's actually not there? Could a lack of confidence be felt as 'disinterest' from their perspective? Who knows. There's only one way to find out. If they're looking for an 'excitement' vibe in you and they can't feel it, could this be a possible issue perhaps? Hard to be excited when we're a little anxious. Hard to feel excitement if there are underlying factors at play for people, such as fatigue or depression, for example. Personally, I barely have enough energy to be able to feel excitement these days. I gotta work on that 🙂

With the chemistry factor, to simply say 'Those people have great chemistry together' doesn't cover all that's taking place inside the body. The chemical reactions that attract people can be intense. Sometimes the chemical reactions can be non existent too, based on a number of reasons. An example of no significant chemical reaction (enough to be felt) would be a mum experiencing post natal depression. If oxytocin levels are low, you can't feel love for your child. The chemistry's not there for you to experience the feelings that come with love. From my own experience with this, it's horrible (in so many ways), experiencing zero sense of love for your child. When I came out of depression, the love for my kids was overwhelming to the point of tears.

While I can't think of any good reason to behave/act like someone else (unless your an actor), there can be plenty of good reasons to look for parts of our self that may end up resembling others in certain ways. You don't have to act as the jester, to get a laugh, if you already have the jester aspect in you. The challenge is to practice channeling it.