Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think lockdowns coincided with certain events that just amplified pressures and stress on my parents and I think you make a good point that things that may have been left unsaid for long periods have come to the surface. I wouldn’t say the issues are devastatingly bad it’s more constant bickering about silly things that’s exhausting and like unnecessary stress that they have been projecting for far too long.

Around about this time last year my father had a near fatal heart attack in which he spent 2-3 weeks in hospital, thankfully come good now but it was 100% induced by a stressful lifestyle and getting worked up over unnecessary “issues”. Since this I think we have all had more of a voice to tell my dad to stop when he starts a passionate rant that is about something that is just fundamentally insignificant. I think he’s not used to people tell him as much also as he is set in his ways and sometimes can’t see why we are doing it. My mum seems to overdramatise situations so when you put the two together it’s not a great match and it’s just led to petty arguement a lot.

The roles of the 3 siblings differ, my sisters is fiery like my dad and will have the voice to fight back or try to reason in a passionate way like my dad so they but heads. My brother is the oldest and he is probably listened to the most when he gets involved, he usually stays out of it. I have difficulty as my natural instinct in conflict type situations is to sit back and listen until I can try impart some voice of reason, I try not to fight with people to speak and I try to maintain a light mood in the house. It has if I’m honest exhausted me as I sort of get accused of being a “down in the dumps” person if I’m not constantly joking around as it’s an expectation almost so I have been keeping my thoughts to myself a lot. So I definitely think I get in a state where I’m already exhausted before I have to focus on social stuff like the dinner Saturday night. If that makes sense. In saying this they always come good I’m just worried for their health.

Yes that’s a good idea, I will mention it to her next week and see what we can do I hope I can get more sessions.

I actually try to do this a bit, it may sound a bit peculiar but when I’m quite bad with the overthinking I have a bit of a thing for watching like out of the ordinary sports on YouTube and see how they work to get my mind on something else, I just started doing this one day and has become a bit of a habit.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

What a huge challenge, your family adjusting to your dad's heart issues. It must definitely play in the minds of your family members, especially your dad. I imagine it was a significant shock when it happened, the heart attack. I'm glad he's been able to bounce back from it.

I think we can get into the habit of being a certain way and then proclaim 'That's just me, that's the way I am'. It can be hard to see our self any other way at times. Maybe your dad sees himself as someone who just naturally stresses over the simplest things. Maybe your mum sees herself as being naturally highly expressive. To develop a different sense of self (among the many aspects of self that exist) would be a challenge - the carefree non stressed self and the peaceful basically expressive self. You yourself know how tough it can be to develop a certain sense of self that's been taking a back seat. You've been developing that sense of self that happily dictates 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert at times'. You've also been developing the risk taker in you that dictates 'Go to that function or go on that date. Take a risk and put yourself out there, even if it's just to gain experience'. Perhaps the difference between you and your parents is you are a conscious self developer.

When you speak of going inward and then having periods of self assessment and self doubt, I've found this to be a part of the process. It's like we could begin to question inwardly 'Where do I fit in?', then we go out to see where we fit in. The first place we look, we find we don't fit in. So, we go inward again to process why, while perhaps being encouraged to try again. So, we go out to again see where we fit in. We might come away having found yet another place where we don't fit in. We go inward to analyse why. Maybe on the 50th cycle of going in and out, finally we find exactly where we fit in, who we best vibe with. In and out 'til we reach a conclusion. Only through the conclusion may we find all the perfectly good reasons as to why we didn't fit into those 49 places. The picture's perfectly clear. Up to that point, it may be seriously fuzzy in parts.

Having given birth to 2 kids, I can say that giving birth to a new sense of self can be just as painful. Typically, neither are a short pain free process. There can be incredibly painful contractions as part of the process. Then, at the end, something incredible comes to life. There can be great labor involved in both.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thank you for your kinds words!

I think you’ve almost got the exact phrase they say in regards to “that’s just me that’s the way I am”. They aren’t really receptive to advice either if I’m being honest. Unfortunately I think they are set in there ways so much that now they probably aren’t as receptive to change. It’s only a small adjustment I think they need to make in order to a constructive change.

I think you may be right also, feels like I keep trying and haven’t really found my place.
I think a lot of what happened to me when I was younger was that I was in a social group where from the outside looking in I probably belonged but within myself I never felt I did. Not to say I didn’t get along with my friends group during these years I did but I always thought I was “part” of the group as a consequence of being quite good at soccer when I was younger. Then when it came down to actually being a friend I was sort of left in the lurch. Might be a silly example but for example my 18th birthday out of that whole group 2 of them came and this coincided with not being invited to others’ subsequent birthdays. This was a common theme throughout my school years and younger adult life and although I realise it isn’t much to worry about for someone who in the first place didn’t feel right it just exacerbated all the feelings.

I think in ways it has definitely affected my thinking and approach to social outings now, I always view myself in social outings as coming from a lower standing point where I need to try and prove myself. It also caused me to have this mindset with dating particularly early on. If nothing else all the disappointments and rejections I have gone through with it have almost made me become tired of having this mindset. I find in these outings I don’t necessarily feel the need to do this anymore as I am starting to learn to care less about what others think.

The issues are when I’m on my own I feel more so these days, it’s a combination of things I’ve mentioned before mixed in with some impatience I will admit also. But it is impatience directed at myself that I don’t want to be up and down like a yo-yo, I sort of have trouble trusting that some of the things I have planned for myself or the path I am on is the right direction. Maybe I have an issue with releasing control over things and realising I can’t control everything.

Thanks a lot for everything you’ve said to me it’s really helped open my mind up

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Learning to care less can be such a challenge, I think because we're generally raised to be conscious about caring what people think of us. We're taught, in certain ways, how to be social creatures. While we humans are naturally social creatures, the teachings are more about fine tuning it based on what culture we're living in. While there's nothing wrong with being taught how to best vibe with people in certain circles, things can perhaps go a little overboard at times. Sometimes, we can be taught to care too much. This is what I've found from personal experience. It's almost like you can be taught how to be the best possible social creature by suppressing certain parts of yourself that are also natural. I think there has got to be some balance, so we're not suppressing so much of our natural self.

Regarding the 'care less' or carefree factor, just a couple of weeks ago I was in the supermarket with my 16yo son. I was laughing as he was openly vibing to some song on the speaker. He loves to amuse me. While I've done this myself on occasion (it's hard to control yourself with some of the songs that come on) I asked him how he manages to not care what anyone thinks of him. He said something along the lines of 'I've learned, it doesn't matter how hard I try, people are going to judge me. So, I figure I'm just going to be myself. I don't care anymore, what people think of me. Caring so much is is just too much hard work'. He's had some tough lessons throughout his life. He's faced some serious bullying throughout both primary school and secondary, up to a point. I'd have to say he's one of the most thoughtful and caring people I've ever met. He's like a lighthouse to abusive depressing people and that's not his fault. He draws the attention of the people who lack the qualities he naturally has. All sensitive, thoughtful fun loving people absolutely love him and treat him with respect. He attracts a variety of people.

I can't believe my son has learned so early in life to be care free, to this degree, to the point where he's developed some sort of mantra. It took me decades to get to that point (or close to it) and I'm still trying to master not caring about what people think of me. Perhaps, based on his experience, he was pushed to develop this much faster than me. I'd say what he's now beginning to fully develop is his ability to get a sense of when to care and when not to care, something I think we can get a feel for, with practice.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I can't tell you how great that is that your son has already developed that mindset considering what he has been through. As someone who grew up throughout primary school and secondary school being bullied also I let it emotionally torment me to where I often remember my mum trying to console me in the car trips home from school.

Although largely I enjoyed my secondary school life as much as I could but I was emotionally tormented by my "friends" and fundamentally felt empty and alone even though I was seen to have a lot of friends at secondary school so I tried to appease people.

I fully realise there are people who got bullied far worse for really terrible reasons and I always tried to be a friend to everyone for that reason as I was internally battling it. A lot of the guys I went to school with would be surprised to hear I felt that way throughout my time at secondary school as I believe I have always had a good ability to joke around a bit and relate to different types of people and also because I was sort of part of that "cool group".

I think for a young male that might be on the more sensitive/quieter side of the spectrum to be within a very "boys club" group at an all male school can be quite the mental challenge although many others looking from the outside in would suggest not. I told a friend of mine from school who strangely enough I never really spoke to at school it was only until we went to uni afterwards we became good friends that whilst people would of thought it was cool to be part of my wider friends group I can say from experience it did more harm than good for myself. I believe it conditioned me to constantly question what I do, what I say and how I came across. The throw the element of female into the mix as I got older within a group like this and I am sure you can imagine the type of sentiments that are thrown around.

Whilst I do not know your son, I commend him for developing this mantra! My advice would be at his age is find your 1-3 close friends who embrace every part of you and stick to these and never feel that what may be seen as a "cool" group is where you want to direct your efforts. I wasn't strong enough or smart enough despite my parents advice at the time to realise what my father meant at the time when he said, "the "cool" group is the one that accepts you for who you are and does not make you question yourself within it". I am ashamed it has taken me so long to learn it and I still have trouble now.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I will definitely mention your advice to my son. Thank you for the guidance. I think he will be able to relate to what you say regarding the cool group being the one that accepts you for who you are and does not make you question yourself within.

I think sometimes it can take a long time to finally relate to what someone says to us, such as the advice your father gave you. We might be able to basically relate to good advice but it can take a lot before we may come to fully relate. In some cases it can take years of experience and a certain number of rises in consciousness before we finally get there. I find, myself, I may not be able to fully relate to someone's good advice based on the way they deliver it as well as the lessons in life that are linked to it not being terribly obvious. Someone else can come along and have me relate to that advice in a flash, based on the way they deliver it/open my mind to it, or I can find myself in a lesson that is outstanding in the way it relates to that advice. Until such times, I may remain basically relating to someone's good advice while finding it hard to follow such advice. I think sometimes it's not a fault of ours that we can't fully relate to good advice, as we have to perhaps develop the ability to relate to it first. As long as we're striving to be more conscious, we possess the potential to always be developing abilities.

Sometimes we don't even realise we've gained certain abilities. For example, someone could say to me 'I want to gain the ability to be open minded, as my parents have pretty much conditioned me to be closed minded'. My response to them would be 'You obviously already have this ability, as your expressed desire reflects you've opened your mind to change. Now that you've opened you mind, it's a matter of developing it'. Another example could involve someone saying 'I want to learn to love my self'. While they may be beginning to question all the people who have led them to hate themself in the past, technically they're already entered into the process of learning to love themself. It may be a matter of 'I need to question where the self resentment came from before I can let go of it, on the way to fully loving myself. I suppose we can't let go of what we're not conscious of. It's not always easy to see we've already entered into a particular process.

One thing I've learned is - I know I've entered into a process when a whole stack of sh*t starts to come to the surface 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I often have the thought as to why I can’t take my own advice that I give to friends as I often use some of the things mentioned to me by family and whoever it may be. I am almost a professional at giving good advice and not being take to it take my own advice. I do believe I have a good ability to think quite clearly when it comes to a friend or family member or anyone for that matter that may ask for my opinion/advice. Applying this to myself is a massive struggle for me.

I also feel very isolated too and alone in my issues if you want to call it that because I often feel not listened to by friends or confused even more so after talking to them. An example would be when I was again friend zoned by a potential partner and told basically it’s just a friendship and won’t happen. My friend proceeded to give me “advice” by saying I was too weak and should have fought for it more although I tried to explain this wasn’t an option and even so I don’t want to “convince” someone to like me. I felt my character was assassinated and then when I’m alone I start think I am a weak man because I was respectful of what she had said and didn’t “fight” for myself. So basically it triggers a down spiral in myself.

Whenever I try reach out to a friend for some help I feel left questioning myself as a young man and whether to be nice or down to earth is weak and undesirable. I guess that’s part of the reason why I keep annoying with this thread because I don’t feel heard by my own friends.

I feel agitated for example on a sunny weekend like this one just past I spent it basically alone except for that dinner I may have mentioned, but I am confused why I don’t just relax in my own company. It’s a severe problem I have where I look at big groups of friends doing things or my friends who have other groups and I don’t just makes me feel like a loser.

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel and hi The Rising,

I really hesitate to come into the conversation again and I haven't got much time, but my thoughts for what they're worth..

The pandemic is making things really difficult for you Daniel, and as well as that it can be hard for guys to make a group of friends;I think women tend to connect socially more easily with each other.

It's difficult for you when friends are pairing off. That's why I honestly think you should try to get involved in a mixed group (like the mixed sports you're going to try). These can be such a good way to make some social connections with other guys and mix with women too, through a shared interest.

I used to belong to an amateur theatre company where I helped out with props or serving refreshments or putting out the chairs at a performance, and I made the best friends - it was all mixed ages, young and old and guys and women, and we had so much fun!

That way you can make some connections and get out and have some company instead of being lonely at home.

If you google something like loneliness in men, there's so many men out there who are lonely, you are not the only one feeling like this!

OK that's my 2 cents worth! I just think you should consider just trying to make a decent social network for the time being, but it's entirely up to you. Cheers!

[Guest_1643]

Hi....being friend zoned...I don't think its weak at alllll..but I think sometimes u do have to persist a little bit to show jnterest. U Don't wanna be a doormat or be used by someone who's totally not interested, but to try a second time....I would support. Ps u gave it a go and tried so u are obviously very not weak.

It's a bit of a confusing thing but being able to take a rejection seems to be key in getting not rejected...

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Please don’t hesitate to offer your advice as I greatly appreciate it!

I agree with your advice, I guess I get a bit uncomfortable in the interim phase while I wait for a few things I’ve got planned to start and I worry in anticipation that I’m going to get over anxious and nervous and it’ll ruin it.

I think the pandemic has affected my mindset a lot more than what I initially have thought, I want to go out and try initiate social connections like you say but I get overcome with nerves and anxiousness like I don’t know what to do and people are going to judge me.

Thanks for your ongoing support

Daniel