Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I guess maybe I don’t rephrase or reframe by thoughts like you’ve mentioned before and I think I let certain feelings that would typically be attached to feeling depressed just fester within myself.

The the feeling of being ashamed I have is sort of like disappointment in myself that I’ve been on this journey of self discovery and somehow feel in limbo at the moment and I’m disappointed in myself that I haven’t been able to progress or that I can’t see it if I have.

For example I look at things like I graduated a 5yr degree, got a new job, gained experience in dating that I haven’t had and I think why can’t I see these as positives and why do I instead focus so intensely on other things like loneliness.

Im also disappointed in myself for letting certain experiences like dating that girl I mention previously disappoint me so much that I struggled to remove it from my mind and still do to a degree given it was around this time last year it started and it felt like things were starting to turn for me in that area but I was very wrong and I feel a million miles off it now. I’m also disappointed that I let it define me in a way when I me being happy shouldn’t be dictated by this I guess.

On the surface comparing to this time last year I should be in a position where I’ve progressed but doesn’t feel that way just left feeling flat. I also feel a lot of guilt for feeling this way and not being able to enjoy my life the way someone in my position should be. Maybe I am tired of certain things, there is a sense of frustration within myself about always doubting myself and who I am, like why I can’t I just be normal and relax.

One thing I definitely don’t regret is coming on this forum the advice I have been given has been fantastic and I’m sorry if im frustrating to talk with as I bounce around a bit and in disappointed in myself that I potentially can’t see any progress I may have made or not.

I look at next year being just around the corner and I think back to this time last year where it seemed to be turning and somehow now with all the pondering and different experiences I’ve gained throughout the year I feel annoyed at myself I’m not more comfortable because I feel like I shouldn’t feel this limbo and I need to “smell the roses” a bit more frequently. I’m trying really hard but maybe too hard I don’t know.

I have lost my way a bit at certain times throughout the year and I just get downhearted on myself for letting it happen frequently.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Sorry to add more to what I wrote below just having a pretty bad moment sort of thing and I wanted to try get it down somewhere. This may make no sense but I wonder what the general opinion is on this and I believe I have mentioned it before maybe.

I feel like my life is generally pretty pathetic and uninteresting. I don’t really know many people and I don’t really see many people or have different groups to hang out with and stuff. I probably have like 2 actual friends and I have to really jump through hoops to see them anyway.

I see like my two friends for example that have friends from school, friends from uni and then go into a new job or workplace and make friends straight away that they can hang out with or different people ask them to do things etc. I have none of this, my workplace i am the youngest by 15+ years and it’s not that I don’t get along with these people I actually do but let’s be honest I can’t at my age go out with these people they have their own families and lives and that’s completely fine.

I just see people my age through social media and things like that out and about with different groups and I’m stuck on my bed alone with no plans because the 2 friends I do have usually get asked out by others.

Im just sat here thinking what a pathetic state my life is in where really I’m not thought of by anyone and I really have an uneventful life. I don’t mean to go climb mountains and all that I actually just mean being able to maybe go out for a drink with a group or something I don’t have these connections like other people around me and never have, I always feel like I’m a loner. It is not through lack of trying either I just find that I must be a forgettable boring person.

I feel like I’ve just plummeted so far in loneliness I’m just a loner. Like I’ve never just walked into something whether it’s a job or something like that and just made a good group of friends different from other people I know I really have 2 friends and that’s it, everything I do is on my own or I do happen to go out I have to organise it within an inch of my life

I don’t really know what the point of my rambling is I just wanted to get something down I guess while I’m here on my own again on my bed with no one to talk to

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I want to start by saying in no way whatsoever do I find you frustrating. Not even in the slightest. Besides you being a thoughtful and considerate person, I find you to also be someone who I can relate to when it comes to that desperate need to progress beyond a certain point. I can relate to the frustration, how depressing it can feel at times, the internal dialogue that can really challenge you and so much more. I think, when we're trying so hard to work something out, it makes sense to rehash the facts, to see whether some revelation eventually comes through. Kind of like 'Maybe if I go over it again, something will stand out this time'. I've found one of the problems with this is while we're rehashing the facts we can reach the same conclusion every time and it can be the wrong conclusion. I recall, during my years in depression, doing this often. I would always reach the conclusion I was a loser or I was defective in some way. In hindsight, I can say I was doing my best under the circumstances back then - the circumstances of low self esteem, a degree of alcohol dependency, a brain in a state of depression, a lack of constructive guidance and so on. You could easily imagine my best didn't look all that crash hot. I've learned to be kinder to myself on reflection. I've learned to say my best is largely dependent on my circumstances.

Daniel, you can be doing your best under the circumstances and not even realise this is the case. You can be doing your best when it comes to the dating scene. Under the circumstance of constructive feedback from women vs little to no feedback at all, your best will appear different. You can be doing your best to find potential friends. Under the circumstance of a much older group of work colleagues vs a group around your age, your best will appear different. Under the circumstance of initial social shyness vs great social confidence (like when you know people well enough to feel comfortable around them) your best will appear different. As I say, you can be doing your best and not even realise. Our best changes with our circumstances. Sometimes we can be doing our best with limited resources. Becoming resourceful may be the challenge at times.

Can't recall whether you mentioned if you have any siblings. If so, do you think you could start hanging with a sibling and their friendship group, even if it's just a little at first. I actually met my husband through my sister's friendship group, many years ago.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I know I have said but my appreciation for all the responses is very genuine and although we haven’t met you have my utmost respect. I admire a lot your ability to think and express yourself critically and clearly, I hope I can get to the stage where I am able to offer up insights like you have been able to. I really believe you would be a fascinating person to talk with.

I agree with your point about rehashing and I think largely thanks to the lockdowns I have fallen into a trap where I replay the same thoughts but I think about it the same everytime and come to the same conclusion it’s only when someone else might point out different that I think of it differently but then still fall into the same pattern.

The feelings now are anger, frustrations and disappointment with myself for not being able to see progress I have made or for still thinking about some of the insignificant things I think about and letting it plague me. The frustrated side of me will get angry at myself and think “you’re pathetic you can’t control your thoughts or relax and enjoy life”.

I do have siblings, a 30 yr old brother and 28 yr old sister and they include me where they can which is good. My sister in particular was recently saying to me that I don’t actually realise the positive impact I have on people and I need to take a deep breath. I think this can be related to what you mentioned about being kind to yourself, I struggle in this area.

I think this goes back to how I felt throughout high school where I had friends but I never felt I fit in because I was often overlooked when asked to do things etc. it’s festered into my adult life and I have a mindset very much like you would at school that to have 100 friends is to be accepted whereas you have a small number is to be weird. Even writing it out I can see it’s irrational but I can’t seem to stop myself from being affect by it or by things I see and groups out having fun and I think why’s it not me but maybe it is I’m just not allowing myself to see it.

Also I’m upset at myself that I don’t seem to give myself any credit for things I do and I think to myself because I don’t have a partner I have failed and it really downplays other stuff I have done that should be celebrated and I should be happy about like my graduation for example. Instead I allow the fact that I’ve never had a true connection and feel alone dictate who I am and how I feel and I don’t know the best way to stop it.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

You're also a fascinating person, have no doubt. You've led me to many revelations which I'm deeply grateful for. We're not always conscious of things until someone leads us to greater consciousness. You're a wonderful leader 🙂

Sounds like your sister sees in you what you can't see at the moment. Doesn't mean you won't eventually see it. There could be something waiting just around the corner which may trigger you to relate to what she's saying, some kind of revelation. Suddenly the Yin Yang symbol comes to mind. You can be focusing on the largely white part, with that little spot of black. Someone who focuses on this sees largely the positive, with a hint of the negative. Someone who largely focuses on the dark side may see only a hint of what is positive (the white or light spot). Someone who sees the whole acknowledges there are 2 sides to life that come together in the process of personal growth. If we wanted to get really philosophical here, you could say 'In the darkest of times this is where enlightenment makes itself known' and then we enter into a time of brilliance and 'round it goes.

It would be interesting to hear how your sister would respond if you were to say to her 'I want you to prove to me, without a doubt left in my mind, that I am all you say I am'. Would she be able to convince you? Would she have to raise her own level of consciousness to find what would shift your perception. In the process, she may even discover you're more amazing that what she initially thought. She might be surprised. She may say, for example, 'All my friends say you have this amazing way of putting them all at ease. They feel like they can be themself around you. They don't have to watch what they say'. Maybe your sister's friends are regarded by people as being 'a bit weird' or 'out there'.

Personally I'm 'weird' and I've learned to embrace that in a variety of ways. When once it felt depressing, upsetting and even shameful in some way, now I wear 'weird' as a kind of badge of honour. It's such a relief for me to be able to be myself amongst other 'weird' people. It really is a relief. It can be far too much hard work to be 'normal' at times. I love my kids because they're weird, I love their friends for the same reason. Some of their friends inspire me to embrace my own weirdness and I'm honestly grateful to them for this, helping me grow in such a way. We've even discussed how normal and enjoyable our weirdness feels while we're around each other.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I can say with certainty that it has been a very positive experience talking with you on here, although I might be up and down and scrambled sometimes I believe your words have a very good way of calming the mind and thought process. Your kids are very lucky! My father is good at this also, he likes to use some strange analogies but I find myself using them when trying to help others.

I think my sister potentially gets frustrated not at me but for me because she has said because I seem to focus intensely on certain areas it consumes my mind and I forget other things. Like the example you use I think throughout lockdowns particularly I have solely focused on that dark side and not allowed myself to see the light side. I think this all comes back to loneliness and not knowing how to manage it so it consumes my thought. I’m not sure if you have ever felt similar but for example with trying to find a partner sometimes I feel I just to wait and my turn will come if I focus on just being myself and comfortable but this gets taken over by those feelings of depression that loneliness causes. It’s like a force that just eradicates any sense of rationality.

My sister helps me see it but unfortunately I have a problem where when I am on my own this force I described above takes over. I don’t know why it’s so hard to just relax and enjoy moments and not allow something like feeling lonely or having no partner define who I am, the critical thinker in me realises it’s irrational. This fuels the anger at myself and that contributes to where I say I feel pathetic.

With all the help I’ve received on here and from family I’m very slowly starting to embrace the way I am and see maybe it’s actually a positive that I’m more quiet at first or just more laidback/reserved. The pressure I have felt in the past at social outings for example to overly contribute in fear of being judged I feel is starting to fade.

I still feel a lot of depression around being alone because I have never felt a connection with someone on the level I am looking for and despite my struggles personally I know I’m ready for it I just seem to be false starting over and over and after a lot this my energy is zapped and I have started to lose hope. I don’t feel I meet people easily so it’s a big effort and I have been doing my best putting myself out there it’s just a kind of energy zapping and hopeless process, I find it hard to constant try stay upbeat that it will happen.

[james1]

Hey Daniel12,

I think I've come onto your post a little late, but your thread title grabbed my attention because it's a feeling that is pretty familiar to me, and one that I've heard a lot recently (probably because of my age). I just turned 30 and I recall that feeling from not too long ago. My sister is 23 and I get it from her a lot now too.

I haven't been able to read your whole thread, but I thought I'd just jump in from your last few posts, because they touch on something that I've been pondering for a while now. I hope it's okay if I be a bit self-centred and talk about myself briefly, as maybe you'll find something to relate to as well.

I am -really- introverted and I think I've just been slowly coming to realise and accept this over the last 3 years. I've always known, but even I'm kind of surprised by the extent to which I get exhausted by other people now. So I really relate to what you've said about your energy being zapped by false starts and meeting new people, and how that missing connection can feel so lonely. I don't know if there is a solution, and I don't know how much I believe the whole thing where people go, "you don't need someone else to be fulfilled". I think it's literally true, but I think it misses the point - it's hard not having that connection that is typically shared with a partner. In my case, it has the potential to make everything feel just a little bit worse and a little bit more pointless.

But as you said you're experiencing, we can learn how to get comfortable with ourselves and find ways to manage. Like you, I went through a change where I just got used to not feeling like I needed to talk at social groups - I still prefer my own company, but it makes those situations a lot more tolerable and even enjoyable with some people. I've also gotten a lot better at just declining events that I don't want to go to, and I can enjoy my alone time without feeling lonely or bad about being alone.

I still miss having a partner and that does suck, but I can equally hope that I might meet someone one day, and I can enjoy most of my time alone until then.

I hope you're doing alright today. I'm glad to hear you have found these forums helpful so far, and that you've also got support from family.

James

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's great to be able to get James' take on things. Sounds like the 2 of you would be able to relate well to the challenges of being a male introvert. I mention this because I think it's perhaps easier for a female in some ways, being an introvert. It's like we females get away with being 'shy' but it's not always this simple for a guy. I think there are sometimes greater expectations put on a guy, to be more out there. Again, it's great to get James' viewpoint, as someone who sounds like he's a little further along the path of self understanding and self acceptance when it comes to the challenges of being an introvert. You'd be able to see, through him, what a little down the path sounds/looks like. This is something to look forward to.

Inner dialogue can sometimes be the greatest hurdle when it comes to reaching our graduation points/mile stones. If it wasn't for internal dialogue I would easily be able to bring all my dreams into reality. Nothing quite like internal dialogue to talk you out of things or convince you that certain things are unachievable. I believe inner dialogue can come from a variety of resources

• Past experience/referencing accumulated memories: 'Do you remember the times you failed at this? Well, it's happening all over again. See, you're a constant failure at this and here, again, is proof'. Brutal stuff
• Different parts of our self: Your intolerant self may insist 'Do not tolerate taking poop from this person. They are no better than you. Don't tolerate their foolishness'
• People who get into our head: Mum's voice saying 'You're not going out wearing that shirt are you? It's filthy. Go and get changed'
• The powers that be (whatever they are): 'Have faith in yourself. You are in a process that you can't fully recognise at this point. Have faith that what is happening is a part of the process'

I recall undertaking some fascinating research not too long ago where I happened across a truly inspirational website. 'Hearing Voices Network' offers an amazing take on...well...hearing voices. As they mention, hearing voices isn't necessarily a problem, the problem can be how we form relationships with those voices in our head or how we perceive them. Their followers include a variety of people, such as those who face the challenges of destructive internal dialogue planted by abusive people, those who face schizophrenia and those who hear divine inspiration and not so divine. It's a mixed bunch of people all supporting each other.

[Daniel12]

Hi James

Thanks for your advice and insight I really appreciate it! I can relate to a lot of what you have said you have gone through and experience.

It’s sort of like I’m hopefully gaining more comfortability in myself but I feel very uncomfortable not having a connection with anyone.
I know it might be useless to think this way when I think I really can’t see where it’s going to turn but that’s often how I feel.

I hope to one day find full comfort on my own and in my introvert personality like you have been able to but I know it’ll be a constant work in progress

Thanks

Daniel

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Yes James’ example shows where I hope I can get to in future in terms of self acceptance. I agree with your point that there are sometimes greater expectations on a male to be more out there and larger than life because I think I have been surrounded by this a lot socially within the groups I have grown up around.

I probably have touched on it before but it’s a combination of social groups, social media and past experiences that form this overwhelming pressure. I’m conditioned to think that to just be a down to earth, quiet/calmer natured guy with a small network is fundamentally uninteresting and unattractive. It angers me at myself that I always fall into this line of thinking. Like you mentioned internal dialogue can often take us out of things and I think this is the case 90% of the time with me.

I want to think I’ve made some sort of progress in myself but when I just feel completely hopeless with things like where I’m going to find a partner and stuff like that it just feels like I haven’t at all and I don’t actually have the strength of mind to realise when I have. I have been looking at the last year and asked myself what progress have I actually made when I actually feel even more hopeless about it because I have absolutely no idea when/if that will happen and if I’m even deserving of it.

If I had made progress in myself I wouldn’t constantly fall back into this, it just consumes my thought and instead of looking to 2022 with optimism because I’ve graduated and got a new job and stuff like that I’m actually dreading it in a way because this one thing consumes my thought and I don’t want to go through another year of constantly feeling confused in who I am, where I’ll find what I’m looking for and question myself.

Theres time where I feel I may have shown progress like at a family Christmas break up this weekend where I didn’t feel the usual pressure to be something I’m not and I felt calm to just contribute to conversations in my own way which is to listen and maybe say a joke if I can or interject when I have something to say but not force it out. But then at the end of it I felt down because I don’t have someone to bring to these events that connects with me and I ultimately feel lonely so what progress is there because I can’t seem to shake it at all.

Everything seems to gets ruined by my silly thoughts which stem from loneliness 90% of the time and looking forward I struggle to see light at the end of the tunnel.