Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi Mishmo,

That's great that you have signed up to those groups and I wish you all the best and I reckon it will definitely go well for you!

I definitely understand a lot of what you say you feel in social settings. I believe I am the same and I once had a person who is one of the only real friends I confide in say to me that I should see it as a strength as the more someone gets to know people like us the move there is to uncover which the 'therising' has mentioned as well.

As for the party I see myself as a bit of failure yet again as I went to an event like this and still ended up feeling like I am worthless, not engaging as a person and boring on the drive home. I have felt quite flat in myself since then because part of it also is frustrate and anger at myself that I somehow cannot seem to bring out of myself the qualities I believe I have without being nervous of judgement and reverting back into my shell. I often leave such events with my mind saying "why can't you just be normal", "why can't I just relax and enjoy myself and show people who I am" then this inevitably turns into questions like who would ever be interested in a guy that yeah is nice but boring. I feel pressure to be extroverted from the outset and this is against my natural instinct and I am scared to do this.

Thanks again for your kind words of support

Daniel

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you have had a nice weekend

I suppose I need to look at things a bit more in the mindset you mentioned but as I mentioned to 'Mishmo' my immediate feelings are that I am a failure for going to a birthday and not being able to meet someone or not be able to fully come out of my shell in an unfamiliar environment like more extroverted friends of mine can.

I am not sure if what I say makes sense but it is like feeling pathetic because I know the qualities I have around those I know or am familiar with so why do I always retreat inside myself in knew environments or around new people and I feel I am immediately classed as "he's quiet" and it is almost said as an insult and I am left thinking there must be something wrong with me.

With regard to me being perceived as nice I am not sure what your take on my mindset is here but for example in the case of attracting someone to me I think the foundation you mentioned is probably what I am seen as but it feels like it is not enough. I consider myself a nice person and have been told good sense of humour and ability to make people laugh (although I am very dry thanks to my father haha) but I definitely feel deflated that being nice is not what someone wants because I often receive "you are nice but xyz" from people I go out with whether it be a date or otherwise. I feel this overwhelming pressure that I need to somehow discover a side to myself that is the opposite to what I naturally am and I need to act like some "alpha male" to keep someone attracted.

It feels like being down to earth is just not exciting enough a trait to engage people. For example at this birthday one of my friends sisters friends I had spoken to briefly and asked what they do etc and then when she returned the question and I began to answer I sense her immediately tuned out, this happens quite often in these settings and contributes to me feeling like I am boring and I am at a complete loss as to what I am supposed to do. I believe I have an acute sense of realising when this happens and I can see it in peoples faces and it is really for no reason and then queue the intense mental anguish I get from this these reactions and then by the end of the night I concur that I am nothing, I may be nice but clearly not engaging enough or fun or whatever people expect.

Thanks

Daniel

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

I haven't commented for a long time and you've been getting great support here, but I wanted to say something..

Alpha males are a big turn off for a lot of women. I suspect the type of girl they do attract is not the sort that you'd be interested in anyway.

So can I suggest you stop trying to be an alpha type man (I always found them unattractive anyway) and accept you are a quieter sort of guy, and become comfortable with who you are?

I always liked more introverted, sensitive guys. There are plenty of women who like this type of man. I think you need to start by not trying to be someone you are not!

Can you practise your social skills with a friend and ask them for suggestions? The best thing is to ask the other person about themselves and not talk about yourself too much. Take an interest in the person you are talking to. People like to talk about themselves!

Daniel, please stop trying to be Alpha. It becomes a turn off! Start focusing on your positives and start being comfortable with who you are.

I suspect this is what's putting women off. You are probably trying too hard and this makes people uncomfortable.

Can you make a list of your positive attributes?

I wonder if a counsellor might help you?

Maybe read a few books about introversion and social anxiety? Just learn to accept and like yourself?

Good luck, but I truly suspect the problem is that you're trying to be someone you're not and people are sensing this and are not comfortable with you. Please just be yourself!

All the best mate! 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Might sound a little strange but people, whether they know it or not, can generally pick up on nervous energy (another person's social anxiety). Unless they recognise what they're picking up on, it may feel uncomfortable for them in some way and that's the reaction you see. People who are aware of nervous energy from another may work to put that person at ease. Not sure whether you've ever experienced being in a room full of strangers and someone starts talking to you in a way where they begin to put you at ease. Some folk are sensitive in this way, sensing the social anxiety in another while sensing the need to lead them to feel more comfortable. I know a couple of amazing guys like this who can work a room full of socially anxious people. They go around igniting smiles, leading people's posture to gradually change. They really enjoy putting people at ease.

Energy's actually an interesting thing when it comes to the many ways it can manifest. You could say our sensitivity to it has declined over time, throughout the generations. You could also say that highly sensitive people experience still being 'tuned in' or 'switched on'.

Let's say you're highly sensitive and I put you in a social setting and then ask you to report to me what you can sense in every person you meet. I really push you to get a sense of everyone's nature under the circumstances. You might report

• I can easily get a sense of/feel all the alpha types
• I can get a sense of/feel the people who are incapable of putting me at ease. I can even feel them completely shut off at some point
• I can get a sense of/feel those who are socially anxious
• I can get a sense of/get a feel for who's getting drunk
• I can get a sense of /feel who's looking for a fight
• I can get a sense of/feel the tension between that couple over there

and the list goes on.

Feeling so much (hypersensitivity) can be anxiety inducing. Let's take it up a notch and say you can feel other people's thoughts in a way. You can feel them thinking 'He's too quiet. This is uncomfortable'. I know that sounds a little trippy but how would it change things if you managed to become insensitive to what others were thinking (learning to tune out at times)? Could you reach a point of 'I can sense what you're thinking but I don't care'?

I've found learning to care less under certain circumstances is a challenging process. To not care, at times, is actually a skill. It's a part of becoming care free.

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks for your advice and words of support I appreciate it!

I think I have made the mistake in the past of trying to be something I am not and it feel unnatural and then just makes me feel depressed that I don't trust myself to be who I am.

I just feel a lot of pressure I guess that being my natural self is not good enough and it seems the evidence supports that at the moment.

Thanks again

Daniel

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think you make good points that potentially my nervous energy is being felt by others because I think those that know of me or know me I have felt at times can sense me retreat in myself and try to help me out but in saying this it is very fleeting that this happens.

I am really trying hard to make an effort to focus in on a given interaction with someone and not let myself analysing what they are thinking of me or read too much into what people think. I find it very difficult not to get disheartened when I see people basically tune out when I start to talk and not engaged with me that I feel like there is no other way to think other than that it is something about me that causes this.

I mean even on an online dating app for example, and I understand this is part and parcel of it, but it seems like there is an extraordinarily high number of times where I try to engage with someone and talk and am basically cut off at the knees straight away. I try to assess what I am saying like could I be coming at it wrong and after exhaustive assessment I think generally I do the right things/approach.

All this leaves me to wonder how can everyone I come across just not be engaged by me, every girl I meet think I am "nice" but not really interested enough beyond that and this all leads me to feel like there aren't people out there that are interested in me nor care what I have to say or want to spend time with me.

I fully admit I have a problem not being care free as you mentioned and I am frustrated and angry and disappointed in myself that I lack the ability to practice this and it just makes me pathetic. I am too weak in the mind to think that there is nothing wrong with being quiet to begin with and I feel immense pressure and weight on my shoulders to be more out there.

I feel pathetic that whilst I know I have good personality traits I can't seem to muster the strength, courage, skill or whatever you want to call it to bring it out in social settings with a relaxed mind and stop my thoughts of how people perceive me etc and control the subsequent depression that follows.

Sorry for my confusing posts I feel like I jump around a lot between points but I genuinely appreciate your advice and whilst my brain only has a small compartment for being rational lol it does realise that what you say makes sense. I just feel at a hopeless point in my life even though there's things happening that I should be happy about I am just fundamentally not happy

Thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

There are times where being a people pleaser can be incredibly depressing while being hard work. You can be a people pleaser for years and be depressed the whole time. Sometimes it can feel easier to please others rather than be yourself but I found, in the end, it takes its toll. It can also feel depressing when we're spending a lot of time contemplating 'Why aren't I pleasing people? What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?'. One thing I've discovered over the years is...a lot of people aren't easily pleased unless we're behaving a certain way. Gee, they can be hard work 🙂

I don't think your posts are all over the place, not at all. If anything, mine are a little that way. I suppose it's a matter of 'I'll throw a number of different suggestions or ideas at you and see what you can relate to or what might work'. What works for one person may not work for another. A lot of the time, there are no quick fixes or miraculous epiphanies but you should never give up hope when it comes to quick fixes and miraculous epiphanies popping up here and there in life. Such things may not come regularly but they do come.

As I may have mentioned before, I tend to meditate on solutions. I've found this only works while using certain internal dialogue. For it to work, sometimes I have to really work hard to change the dialogue when I'm in what I'd call 'a downer'. I should add, when I'm in a downer I know it's my cue to manage not going into a depression. It can happen easily if I'm not careful. Opening my mind can only happen with the right internal dialogue otherwise my mind stays closed, fixed around depressing dialogue or thoughts. For example, I'll try not to use the phrase 'What's wrong with me?'. Instead I might use 'What's the key issue with this situation?' or 'What's the issue with this person or these people I'm dealing with?' and I'll see what comes to mind. What comes to mind might be words or it might be an image. If I can't get motivated, for example, what might come to mind is 'You need someone to help you at this point' or I might suddenly see myself meeting up with my sister for a D&M conversation. We often help each other make better sense of things. Sometimes what actually comes to mind is 'You're hopeless'. This is often a positive, even though it doesn't sound like it. It points to no one offering me serious hope, I have less hope than usual. Then I'm triggered to wonder 'What's wrong with the people around me?'. A shift in perspective.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I definitely relate to those sort of feelings of asking myself why I can't engage people etc. The issue I seem to have is being able to rationalise as you have that some people are hard to please, you can't please everyone and maybe this or that type of person is not for me, instead I correlate it all to me being boring as a person. I definitely feel I have lost my way and things I used to enjoy and parts of myself I used to show have gone missing because I feel myself constantly analysing myself against others who are different to me and as I have mentioned before in the end I just feel pathetic that I can't just be relaxed in what I am as a person and feels there is not way out of this rabbit hole.

Your posts are not all over the place I have often gone back and read your suggestions and I think you have a very good insight into a lot of what I am saying and appreciate it and recognise that maybe I am being a bit annoying haha. I think I need to work really hard at this stuff as it won't just fall into place as I have been conditioned to this way of thinking, for example I understand that going to that birthday on the weekend would have been a step in right direction but I feel like because I just felt pathetic in myself immediately after and the days after because I feel like I am socially inept at the moment and have completely lost comfortability in myself that it was almost a step backwards.

I have been trying to do this as well in regards to meditating on solutions. I guess I have a really problem with exacerbating my feelings when I am on a downer because I try to answer questions like "what is wrong with me" and the rational side of my says nothing just relax but the critical side of me tries harder and harder to explore what it could be and I go off on a tangent not really knowing where the end of the line is with and it lasts for days on end.

In regards to me feeling depressed about dating, a lot of people say to me what are you worried about you have all this going for you it will happen in time. I understand this I have just hit a wall where it feels like no one sees any quality in me and I'm floundering. I don't have a big network of friends to pull from to get me out and as mentioned I am drowning under pressure to make things happen on my own as I believe my personality type is not conducive to spontaneously meeting someone out and off she goes from there.

Thanks again for your time

Daniel 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

You might be interested to know 'Pathetic' can be traced back to the Greek pathētikos, meaning 'capable of feeling'. I can recall a time where I was meditating on why it felt like I was beginning to slip back into depression and what came to mind was 'The problem is you're hopeless and pathetic', which led me to think 'Yeah, thanks for that. What a self-esteem booster'. Then what came to mind next, 'Look up the true meaning of these words and this will make more sense', so I did. I couldn't deny it, at the time I had less hope than I usually did and I was definitely capable of feeling, to the point where I was feeling too much. Add to that the fact that I truly amaze myself at times by how deeply I can contemplate issues, leaving myself in awe, and the truth of the matter was - I was hopeless, pathetic and awful (full of awe) and that wasn't a bad thing. Not sure how 'pathetic' came to find its current meaning. Probably some depressing person decided 'To feel so much shows 'weakness''. In truth, to feel so much reflects ability.

With meditation offering you 'Nothing, just relax' in regard to your question 'What's wrong with me?', could you inquire further? See what comes to mind with further investigation. As I've mentioned, what comes to you might be through words or imagery. With the imagery aspect, what might come to mind is you seeing a couple of your friends relaxing you in a social situation, leading you to loosen up and laugh a bit. If you could begin to imagine that, how would it look? Could your friends help kind of guide and reform you to naturally or strategically relax more, over time? Could they or someone else you're close to offer some skills in relaxing socially?

I asked my daughter yesterday for tips on how she manages somewhat anxiety inducing social situations. She told me that in the past she's managed with the help of friends who occasionally push her outside of her comfort zone. While she's outside of her comfort zone they don't desert her, they relax her into being herself which others (strangers in that situation) get to see. She mentioned how practicing being outside her comfort zone with the help of friends has led her to be more confident. She says she couldn't have got this far without them, picking up some of their abilities.

That rabbit hole of self discovery - once you venture in, the challenge is to learn to navigate. There is so much to discover, more than you might imagine. Some people never venture in at all 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Firstly, your daughter sounds very intelligent and sounds like she has a good support network of friends which would be invaluable for her and I agree with her approach. I have tried to implement this myself in terms of getting out of my comfort zone and practicing it like you mentioned. I only have really a couple of friends who can help me with this as I sort of get left to my own devices a bit and thats when I sort of struggle to fully get out of my shell. My friends sometimes are surprised that I don't get out of my shell because around those I know it's very different, this sort of makes me feel worse that I don't have the courage to sort of release myself in new social settings.

I have probably mentioned this before but I feel boring because for me, if I use meeting women as an example, I feel pressure that if I meet someone out or online or wherever it may be that everything I have to say is like "banter" or the like and if I try to get into what I would say is normal conversation such as finding out what a person does for a living, I am immediately seen as boring or I feel the other person tuning out. I don't know if this is a product of my generation but I find myself going into social events like the one this past weekend already feeling a pressurised mindset that I have to make something happen, I have to be more fun and I can't be myself otherwise I won't attract people.

Another thing, and forgive me if I have mentioned this before as but it sort of represents how my mind is working at the moment and I am not sure how to quell this, but I dated someone I was pretty compatible with earlier this year and I got "friend zoned" for lack of a better term really out of nowhere when it seemed at its highest point of interest. I have really struggled to eliminate it from my mind and I find myself questioning what I did to cause that sudden shift and it's like a replaying tape, theres a lot of disappointment attach to it as even now we have spoken and really doesn't seem like there is much issue between each other (we live quite close that is why we run into each other) but I find myself looking for an answer. I get disheartened with other situations that don't work out because I find myself not being able to connect with others like that. Sounds silly I know but I guess its an example of how I struggle to contain my thoughts and move on from things/disappointments and I feel like the hope of me finding someone is at an all time low.

Thanks