- Beyond Blue Forums
- Mental health conditions
- Depression
- Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and fee...
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Follow
- Printer Friendly Page
Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act
I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life
it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this
I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took
thanks
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi Daniel
It can be so hard to not let certain internal dialogue get in the way of what you want to say. I think, for me, the internal dialogue changed along the way, thanks to a number of revelations. One of those, 'Everyone has their own version of inner sanity. What may appear as a perfect form of inner sanity to one person (regarding their perspective and beliefs) can appear as insane to another'. it's a matter of opinion. You might be convinced by others that being so quite at first is kinda crazy or boring but, in my opinion, it's perfectly sane. It makes sense. You could argue, on the other hand, that to talk and talk and never listen is a little crazy.
Another revelation which came to me: We don't have to necessarily dive into intellectual conversation with a person, which reflects our level of knowledge and experience or lack of it. A healthy sense of wonder can be enough at times. Take politics, for example. Personally, I find politics to be a little boring and triggering but that's just me 🙂 Btw, I've been called crazy for having such little interest. Say someone mentions the economic state of the country. What may come to mind is 'How would this person (who's speaking) improve the economy?' Simply ask them. Ask 'What are some of the ways in which you'd make constructive changes?' They might mention a lot of different ways which could lead you to wonder why they haven't included a significant aspect within their consideration. Again, ask until they've satisfied your sense of wonder. As I've hinted at, people can be insane so it pays to expect some insanity, especially when it comes to politics. They may attack you over your questioning, 'Look, you don't know what you're talking about! What you say doesn't really factor in'. You think 'Of course it factors in'. Whether you want to say that out loud or perhaps instead say 'I'm just basically wondering, no need to get upset', either way, you may trigger that person to greater agitation. You can sit back and observe them go on some closed minded insane rant or not. Moving away from fearing people's reaction is a natural self-esteem booster.
Perhaps you're a catalyst for greater consciousness amongst others and you just don't know it yet 🙂
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi therising
Firstly, thank you for all your kind words of advice and support I am very appreciative and it’s nice to bounce thoughts off someone, the things you have mentioned have definitely struck a cord in a good way!
I guess I’m trying to find answers to why I feel so deflated and I want to more forward and try to enjoy things again just confused as to where to start.
I may have asked this question previously so forgive me if I have but when you started coming out of your depression where/what did you start to do practically to get enjoyment back as I find things I usually enjoy have become tiresome and I don’t have the same enjoyment out of my life because of racing thoughts that I’m not worth much and I’m ashamed of feeling that way. I guess I don’t really know how to start to relax again and get enjoy back if that makes sense
Thanks again
Daniel
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
WoW, reading this whole thread has been amazing. You have received so many kind and uplifting replies. I have no idea what I could ever say to top any of that. But I am feeling so much similar to yourself Daniel. Lockdowns have exacerbated my mental health and loneliness. Even now things are somewhat "normal" again, it still feels so strange and where does one restart?! When the rising mentioned the habits we form, that's so true. All these new habits are very unhelpful for the journey back to "normal" haha. I myself suffer with several disorders that have me in and out of depressions. Since the last few lockdowns I have fallen back into agoraphobic ways and exacerbating my suicidal depressive states. In these times I do find reaching out on forums like this helpful to know we are definitely not alone. Social media most days make me feel extremely worthless and lonely. Reminding me how "unsocial" i am, due mainly to my complex ptsd. I have had times off social media to focus on myself, as I am this point in time especially as things open and people posting "friend gatherings" etc. Finding the things that help our depression is an ever evolving learning curve. What helps me today doesnt always seem to help me tomorrow and so on. Plans A-Z on repeat lol. Have you found any/many ways that have been helping you? Have you been able to make some friends to bounce off yet? Or just these forums? I love learning what helps others and new things to try, that may help me also. Hope to chat more (but my inner worthless self says I aint worth anyones time... oh the depressive joys) if not, i hope you find your happy. Who knows, may bump into one day in this vast city of Melbourne haha.
TC, Renee
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi Daniel
I was talking to someone just the other day about this sense of 'stuckness'. As Mishmo touched on, the effects of lockdowns have brought about new challenges in relation to managing familiar mental health issues. To some degree, I've been able to make some sense of the effects of lockdowns in Melbourne but not entirely. This kind of leaves one stuck in not being entirely sure how to move forward.
I'm going back a bit when I think about coming out of my years in depression. For me, it was dramatic, a very sudden shift triggered by a thought while in depression group therapy, 'If I am not my depression (that lack of energy, lack of positive perspective, lack of happiness and so on) then who am I?' The same can be said for other things too, 'If I am not my anxiety then who am I? If I am not my fears, my long held beliefs, my insecurities or my sadness then who am I without all these things?' Sounds simplistic perhaps but it's hard to know until you work to find out. I've found it's the hard work that's the greatest challenge of all sometimes. The hard work can sometimes be stressful, time consuming and even confusing on occasion (with us trying to make sense of change) but it's still progress. Another way to phrase all this is, for example, 'I am so much more than my fears or my sadness'.
The 'Who am I?' question invites reality shifts. I find reality shifts are the key to progress. One thing that remains constant is the fact that if I'm not going to change my ways, my reality (perception or perspective) will remain the same. For example, if I remain in the armchair day after day watching Netflix while binge eating, that is my reality, it's depressing. On the other hand, if I commit to the treadmill beside that chair while working up levels of energy within me, then this becomes my reality. I become energetic and feel more connected to life. If I was to experience hopelessness while gaining no answers from mainstream medicine, in regard to a particular issue, my reality is one of hopelessness. If I gained answers and greater wellbeing from a more holistic approach, then my reality suddenly shifts.
It can feel somewhat depressing when there's a lack of vision in relation to a clear way forward. Stretching/exercising imagination becomes so incredibly important for strengthening vision. 'Exercise, exercise, exercise' is a constructive mantra for clearer vision.
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi Mishmo
Thanks for replying and firstly you're definitely worth people's time and am happy to chat through it!
I definitely can relate to feelings of being unnatural and sort of fearful of being out in social places. I think social media also exacerbates my problem as well definitely and it's good that you have been able to take breaks from it because it's productive I find.
My issues most likely run deeper than just these lockdowns but what I think has happened is feelings that I would usually do my best to suppress and squash have just taken over throughout the lockdowns and I have sort of stepped back and looked at my life and just panicked and incessantly thought about what's wrong with me compared to others and it's created mass confusion in my head to a point where I feel completely worthless and suffocated. I think I have always had these insecurities since childhood as I never felt I fit in with a group etc but lockdowns have had a good ability to make these feelings rear their head in a way that unbearable.
In terms of ways I have been trying to help myself, this forum has been quite helpful as I am someone who struggles to articulate my thoughts to people as I fear judgement because I feel in my head the things that have made me feel this depression might be seen as silly or insignificant. This forum has been good to bounce ideas off some well-informed, open minded and intelligent people who have their own experiences and can offer words of advice on how to handle things.
I try to exercise, mainly run a lot, to clear my mind which I think is at least one productive thing I do consistently, I have tired a lot during lockdown to try and fight this mindset and give my head a rest but I understand what you mean when you say something that works one day doesn't the next.I have booked in to speak to someone professional so I guess thats a start.
In terms of friends to bounce things off I guess I don't feel comfortable and because I have these feelings of not really fitting in I fear I will be judged so I keep things to myself. I think therising has made some great points previously about finding similar types of people to myself as I feel I'm surrounded by those that are a lot more extroverted than myself and it's almost an expectation I am the same so I guess I need to starting trying to find people that are like minded.
I wish you all the luck and health possible and you are definitely never alone!
Thanks
Daniel
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi therising
I definitely feel a great pressure on my shoulders now lockdown is ended to just flick a switch and enjoy my life as a 25 year old like those around me are doing and saying that I should but its a greater struggle than I have really faced at the moment. One the one hand I want to be out and enjoy myself but then I am plagued by things like I am still single at 25 and all my family members have partners and friends and it sort of like I have no one to spend time with which feeds into the whole depression then couple this with feelings of uncertainty on how I should act or not being able to let go and be comfortable in who I am and forget anxieties it has been exhausting for me mentally and by the end of the week I am wrecked,
I hope to have a similar shift to what you have described and I am trying really hard to battle through this and find ways I can be comfortable in who I am and actually understand who I am. If I understand correctly from what you are saying I guess I need to flip the script a bit and try to unlock more positive thoughts from not just for example sitting around watching Netflix etc like you mentioned because it is that type of situation that where my mind begins to run riot and then spiral is quick and I go down completely when it starts.
I think also trying to date whilst I am like this is pretty challenging as I actually find myself getting lost in my head when I with someone and its like I am there but not there for brief moments, I don't want the search for a partner to define me but at the same time I am pretty lonely at the moment so I am not really sure how best to go about it as I probably can be accused of being a bit rigid given my old fashioned family where the expectation is to find a partner and get married by certain ages and the pressure is becoming too much
Thanks again for your help
Daniel
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi Daniel
I believe just about nothing gets us thinking more than expectations. Whether it involves the expectations we put on our self or others put on us, the amount of mental processing we do in regard to them can be enormous and time consuming.
Can't recall whether I've mentioned it before (have a shocking memory at times) but how I define 'disappointment' plays a big part when it comes to expectations. I'm big on playing around with words and redefining them to suit me, my mental health and perspective. While words can be depressing, they can also be inspiring with a little tweaking here and there 🙂
I used to consider 'disappointment' to mean being let down until I thought 'There has to be more to it than that. How can something so impacting at times be defined so simply?' Then I thought about it. I suppose I was first triggered to consider the amount of disappointment I experienced when it came to a few key people in my life. What was I really disappointed over? Then it clicked. I'd appointed them certain roles to play in my life and they continued to dis-appoint themselves from these roles over and over again. So, what I was feeling was them continuously disappointing themselves from who I wished they'd be. This didn't mean they couldn't change somewhere down the track but, for now, I had to stop giving them roles they simply weren't going to fill or act out. Then I came to realise there were roles I was giving myself that were unrealistic. I was continuously dis-appointing myself in some ways.
While you could say you wish to appoint yourself 'He who evolves into a social butterfly in an instant', a far more realistic role to work with is 'He who evolves gradually, socially' or 'He who graduates through a variety of social experiences'.
Given my parents weren't socialites, I was never conditioned to find social settings easy. I had to work at them and still do to some degree. I'd regard myself as somewhat 'socially dysfunctional' around folk I'm not entirely at ease with but that doesn't mean I can't admire myself for working hard to gradually change that. My greatest test has involved sit down dinners on a large scale, such as with the awards nights my husband used to take me to for his work. Sitting down with genuinely nice people for a good couple of hours and not being able to hold an engaging conversation is definitely a test. They're the sort of tests we pass Daniel, maybe not brilliantly but we do pass them as we evolve beyond them 🙂
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi therising
I think you make a very good point about the roles we appoint people and feeling let down as I feel I have felt let down a number of times from friends of mine probably because I may hold them to the same standard that I hold myself which is probably unrealistic. I would like to think I am a nice person to all I come in contact with and have grown up with what I believe to be a high moral compass and in a way this can be a burden as I feel let down when people don't act in the same way toward me as I do to them.
I think the pressure on myself is the greater issue as I struggle to really relax expectations, partly because I see things happening around me and I feel I am stagnating when I shouldn't be as the search for a partner has been tiresome, emotionally draining and a real test of my self-esteem. I really want to relax in who I am and not question whether the same I am is right or whether it is weird to other people or not "fun" or boring I am struggling to really manage this problem and it sends me into days on end of depression.
A classic example again was yesterday afternoon, I was at a close friends brothers birthday at like a function place. I only knew my friend and his sister out of a hall of about 50 odd people. Since talking with you I have really made an effort to understand what I am, I would say I am initially introverted (particularly in settings where I am unfamiliar) but when I am comfortable and with those that know me my quirky sides come out and I feel I can thrive. I have always struggled with the internal battle in situations like yesterday where I know I have an engaging side but because I am more an introverted/quiet character I feel like in groups like this I am seen as boring or too quiet/shy and I see people around the room that seem a lot more out there and people are highly engaged by them that it deflates me that why can't I do this around people I don't know and not be seen as quiet/boring/shy.
I try to tell myself it's normal in a room of people you don't know and everyone else knows each other but I feel overwhelming pressure that me being more laidback and not extroverted enough is what is hindering me from meeting a potential partner and that I am misunderstood and seen as boring or just too plain and nice.
Thanks again
Daniel
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Wow yes, booked into seeing a professional is an amazing start. Go you!
I can relate well with your social and emotional feels. I too am very much the same. Introverted extrovert some say. To those I am not 'close' to I seem shy, maybe sometimes rude cause I am not chatty. But its mainly because I am overly protective to being hurt, used and misunderstood. Once someone pushes past this for me, they see me for who I really am. But then I constantly am waiting for the ending so to speak (they leave, they get annoyed, they got what they wanted etc). It feels like a never ending spiral at times and I become more introverted. My psychologist has suggested for me to try befriend more people like myself, finding truly like minded people, rather then ones who dont fully understand. I have joined some community social groups for depression/anxiety etc. See how I go in connecting with people with similar inner feels and fears. Will be interesting. First ones tomorrow... see how it goes.
How was the birthday party? Did you get to spend time with your friend and their sister? How did you feel in yourself afterwards? You did amazing in attending might I say. Thats always a step in the right direction in meeting new people.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for. So glad you have continued here on the forum. So many people with great ideas and suggestions. Feeling lost or confused in any parts of our life is never fun. I wish you the best of luck too, and hope the specialist appointment goes well. Hope to talk more soon. Thanks for listening also. Take care 🙂
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi Daniel
I have to agree with Mishmo in saying that you were amazing in attending that party. It would have been easy to not go and play it safe. I hope you can honestly say you amazed yourself in how you managed to go.
I think we can easily lose sight of how amazing we are at times, which is a shame. If you can substitute 'I surprise myself' with 'I amaze myself', it can be highly productive. So, you can amaze yourself by going to a party where you imagine yourself being uncomfortable. You possibly amazed yourself the first time you came on the forums here, something you may have once never considered. I imagine there was the odd test or exam here and there throughout your schooling where you amazed yourself by getting better marks than what you expected. If I triggered you to consider all the times where you amazed yourself throughout your life so far, you'd have no choice but to admit you're amazing. I figure, if I can amaze myself, this technically makes me amazing. I don't have to amaze anyone else unless I wish to. I don't have to make things shockingly amazing, sometimes amazement can be small yet still noticeable. Once you get used to be amazing, you come to expect you're going to amaze yourself in the future because you've now established it's in your nature. You have proof based on experience. I should add, the thing about a brain in a state of depression or depressing thoughts is - it leads you to reject your abilities and the truth about yourself. It'll do a bit of a 'reality shift' until you shift back into a more truthful frame of mind. In other words, sometimes it feels impossible to recognise and admit to our true amazingness. Doesn't mean it's not there 🙂
I imagine everywhere you go you're remembered as being a nice guy. That's a good foundation, to start with. You're not remembered as being an unapproachable a-hole or an aggressive guy after a few drinks or a guy who's an arrogant self-indulgent loudmouth. An approachable nice guy who comes across as a little quite is a foundation to be proud of. I understand your concern is 'And what do I do with that when I want to be more than that?' What about gradually adding. What about...an approachable nice guy who comes across as a little quite but occasionally amazing at the same time.
What could you do next that would lead you to amaze yourself? Perhaps something as simple as the next time you're out with folk, raise your glass with a 'Here's to life' and see how others join in with a smile.