Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I've found, who we attract depends on what they're looking for. It's not so much to do with us sometimes. For example, if a person's looking for someone to drink with and we're not a drinker, we won't necessarily attract them. If someone's looking for a rebel to bring out the rebel in them, they won't be attracted to a non rebel. If they're looking for someone to save, they won't necessarily be attracted to a well grounded person who doesn't need saving. If they're looking for a quiet mysterious type, with a hidden sense of humor, bamm 🙂

Environment can be another factor. Certain places will often attract people of a certain type. Pubs may attract drinkers and pool/snooker players, so if you're not a drinker or pool player you can feel like you don't fit in with all the people who are. Nightclubs are the same. People typically go there for drinking, dancing, perhaps picking up and the high energy that such a place offers. If we're not a drinker, dancer or high energy person, we may not be holding the vibe others are looking to connect with.

I believe, another factor (perhaps the most significant) is maturity. There's a certain maturity to non alpha males. Often, this is recognised by more mature females. This can help explain why some guys date slightly older women. These women are often attracted to males who've evolved beyond the alpha stage. This can also help explain why some long term relationships don't work out so well: While an alpha guy may have been an exciting/intense partner, they don't always make great marriage/father material as a female develops through those stages of life. They grow apart. When you're a mum and you find your son is having trouble with verbally abusive/mentally manipulative kids at school and you're looking for your partner (his father) to come up advice other than 'Just hit 'em', it can be pretty frustrating and disappointing when that's the only advice on offer.

Personally, I was so lost and depressed when I was 25. I coped with my insecurities, lack of self-esteem, lack of direction and lack of self understanding, amongst other things, by drinking. Not the best solution, at all. As I've said to my 16 and 19yo 'While it's easy to use alcohol to bring out your social butterfly sense of self, your chatty sense of self, your confident sense of self and so on, it's also easy to lose control of your self. Crossing that fine line, one drink too many, often leads to the kind of regret that fuels depression'.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Makes a lot of sense regarding the type of people and environments. I guess I feel a bit like I’m not actually sure where the right environment is for me which to me is a bit concerning because I feel like I should have this figured out by now.

It makes sense what you say about the alpha type. With this area it feels like there’s an overwhelming pressure to act like this just to attract a girl and keep them interested at the moment as I can’t really get past a second date with anyone and it seems like I’m too normal or too boring to really keep the interest there. I think I’m smart enough to know that finding a partner won’t just resolve my depression but it would definitely go a long way - if it is the right person. But I am turned off trying because I don’t want to open myself up to the constant beat down and rejection that I’m experiencing, it’s now to a point where I might go on a date and in my head I’m think what is the point.

Like I’ve mentioned, I see people when I am out and they seem way more relaxed than me and I question why I am not able to relax and not worry about how I come across or how what I say comes across and just enjoy myself. I have used alcohol in the past to try and relax myself but was told a similar thing to what you mentioned so I made an effort to stop relying on it and try to be myself although I feel like I hate being myself because it’s not good enough.

The enjoyment of my life has dramatically dropped, I feel I have no energy to do anything and my reaction is to just shut down.

I hate myself that I can’t stop the constant thinking and not just be like a lot of others my age and enjoy this period of my life but I can’t stop thinking I’m alone.

Did you ever feel the pressures of being alone and finding a partner at my age? Is there any way you were able to relax your mind regarding this ?

Thanks again

Daniel

[pezhead95]

I'm a 26 year old Male, Daniel, and I experienced something similar at the age of 24 when I lost my job, my girlfriend, my Father (abusive home) and my identity all relatively quickly.

The thing that helped me fight back against my depression the most was having a creative outlet (writing) as well as a physical one (excessive exercise), through that, I was able to build endorphins and clarity through how I was feeling and step by step recover and find new direction once my mind had settled and my body had recovered.

I'm not sure if the above helps, but you're not alone brother, and it will get better. Stay strong and persist, you're a fighter and people who have fought a similar fight know you have it in you.

Blessings!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

pezhead95 offers great advice, from his own experience. Chemistry, such as with endorphins, can be impacting. Can be hard to build up to the right levels but the benefit of being sensitive involves the ability to feel if that chemistry's working or not.

Being big on what I label 'the magic trifecta', it pays to question

1. How am I mentally processing things, making sense of things?
2. Where's my chemistry at? So many factors impact chemistry. For me a biggy is sleep. If I don't get the right kind I'm all over the place. Also, if I'm not physically active enough, it can be fine for a while but eventually my inaction can come back to bite me. Perhaps no longer playing soccer is having some chemical impact for you. Whether it's sleep, exercise, hydration, diet, social interaction or a host of other factors, if you can imagine an enormous amount of chemical reactions taking place within the body within every moment of your existence, the challenge is to make the right ones happen where you can. A huge challenge at times. Sometimes it can take a bit of experimentation when it comes to finding what works best in the way of manipulating chemistry. While I spent years in depression being what you could call 'a sad scientist' (experimenting with a variety of antidepressants that didn't work), I found it pays to be a bit of 'a mad scientist' these days (crazy). Going down to the beach with my son and getting in the water on a winter's morning, for example, definitely has an impact. Going outside our comfort zone can pay off
3. From a natural perspective, without addressing thinking and chemistry (psychology and biology) specifically, we're basically energetic creatures. It can be depressing to not feel your own energy or to feel it as 'dysfunctional' in some way. To feel the collective energy of a soccer team at play or the energy growing in intensity between you and someone else, there's no doubt about the fact we can feel it. I think one of the greatest challenges in life comes down to discovering 'What charges us up?', puts us in charge, and 'What drains us?' Even thinking can become exhausting. From a quantum physics perspective, it's said our cells literally vibrate with energy. In this case, it becomes a matter of actively increasing the vibration (vibe). Working to feel a literal buzz can be a goal worth considering. Then going out socially with that kind of buzz can alter perspective. Figuring out what your body can do can be mind altering 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi pezhead95

Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice, I briefly started writing a journal and maybe it's something I can take back up to air out my thoughts. I have found writing on here has helped as well just to air out my thoughts and get differing perspectives.

Thanks again

Daniel

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think definitely stopping playing soccer has impacted upon me as the team starts going back into training post-lockdown the reality has set in that I cannot join in anymore and there's definitely a massive hole to fill as I have mentioned before it was the one area of my life I felt actually a proper part of.

I want to try get out of my comfort zone but I struggle with intense anxiety and fear of judgement to the point where it has led to panic attacks and I am afraid of this outcome again so I avoid it like the plague if I am honest. I really feel like a shell of myself if I am being honest and the pressure around me is becoming too much. The pressure to find a partner feels overwhelming as I can seem to find anyone who understands me or likes me and then even just to do things and get out of my comfort or try something new just feels like there is a world of pressure on me just to do that.

I am exhausted of thinking and I am trying to accept who I am without really knowing and being confused on how to actually act, just feels like I have completely lost my sense of self. The way I describe it is like if someone asked me tell me a bit about yourself and what your like it feels like I can't answer the question other than saying what I do for work and just feels pathetic.

I feel ashamed for being like this given my age and things opening up and that I really have no reason for feeling this way but I can't help it

[therising]

Hi Daniel

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. I actually believe you you should be applauded for your incredible efforts to better understand yourself and your connection to life. When you say you have no reason for feeling this way, I believe there is always a reason as to why we feel the way we do. If we're natural 'feelers' or 'sensitives', feeling our way through life or getting a sense of where we're at, we won't just feel or get a sense of what's right or exciting, we'll also get a sense of what feels wrong or depressing.

When I found myself in depression in my early 20s I thought the same thing, that I had no good reason for feeling the way I did. I thought about people who had truly horrible childhoods or people who'd experienced significant trauma and it even felt a bit like 'How dare I feel sorry for myself, given their circumstances. What's wrong with me?'. Hindsight makes it easier to work out the reasons for why we feel the way we do at any given time. Daniel, I can look back over the years at some of my tougher challenges (such as being involved in a significant car accident, a couple of miscarriages and a further mind altering level of depression within depression - post natal depression with both my kids) and I can honestly say struggling through my years in self questioning preceding these events was just as challenging and depressing. I don't think a lot of people fully realise how depressing it can be, to not feel an exciting connection to life, to not know where we fit in, to not have the guides we may need to help us find and exercise the best in our self and so on.

I get where you're coming from regarding 'Tell me a bit about yourself'. While I could feel just as bored as the person I'm conveying my identity to, what I'd actually love to convey is none of that typical stuff. While I could give them my my name, my age, my marital status, my occupation etc, what I'd love to say is 'According to quantum physicists, I am energy. I am one who could give any great philosopher a run for their money. I am a feeler, one who is sensitive and senses ups and downs, amongst many other things' and so on. If my 'I am' is going to define me, I have to love what I define myself as. In comparison, I feel no deep love for my name, my age, my job description, social status etc. I could dismiss any of that in a heartbeat.

I found, knowing who you truly are and how you truly work is key when it comes to unlocking certain things in life.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I guess I feel weak for not being able to just relax in myself and accept what I am and therefore be comfortable socially and enjoy myself again.

I find, and perfect example was this weekend out for dinner with a group, that within a group interaction I am constantly on edge if I am not showing myself or being more extroverted even though I feel more comfortable listening and don’t have much to contribute to a certain topic. I interject where I can but I am by no means the voice of a group or the main talker and it makes me fee uncomfortable as I’m constantly assessing in my head that this is wrong and that people are judging me for being a more introverted type.

I understand it might be the people I’m around in a given situation but how can it be every time I start retreating inside my head almost like I’m afraid to really contribute myself to an interaction out of fear of judgement and rejection socially.

I feel like I am a weak person at my age and for the things I have going for me that I can’t control this in the slightest and I feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied with my life and see no end to this, every interaction I have socially seems to reinforce it further in my mind and I end up getting home and falling into a deep depression throughout the night.

Thanks again for chatting with me

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I recall going out with a guy who I absolutely loved, many years ago. While I was fine around him and most other people, with his family and a certain group of his friends I was a shocker when it came to 'quiet mode'. His family even asked him whether there was something wrong with me. While I tried to fit in with that friendship group, I could easily sense they didn't like me. With both family and friends, I could feel them judging me and figured it was better to keep quiet than trigger any of them to laugh at something I'd say (make fun of me) or argue against it in some subtly insulting way that I couldn't handle. I was always polite, often smiling so as to try and fit in. While I speak of people having the ability to bring out the best in us, these people all brought out the fear in me. I was about 25 at the time and my self esteem wasn't all that great. Meeting my husband's family for the first time more than 20 years ago was also a somewhat fearful experience, as I knew they'd be judging me in some way. They soon put me at ease. From my experience, with all the people I've met over the years, there are some who will put you at ease and there are some who will lead you to stress. I figure, the ones who lead us to stress are challenging us to evolve in some way, beyond the stress or anxiety we're feeling in our mind and body. I wish it was always easy to evolve in carefree ways. Sometimes the challenge can feel more like torture.

While the quiet observer in you allows you to exercise your ability to get a sense of what people are like and maybe even why they're like that, searching for and practicing other abilities you might not be used to can take you to a new level. Sounds a little simplistic but if you can imagine a video game where you have to work hard to graduate to the next level and then the next and so on, you can't graduate without the hard work involved. There's no denying it's hard to graduate easily when no one's given you instructions on how to play. Whether it be a game or life, it can take hundreds of hours of practicing new skills to the point of ease. Then bamm. You're on a new level again with the challenge to develop more skills.

We can practice caring too much about how others judge us, to the point of unfortunately becoming really good at it. It's an unbalanced perspective without also practicing 'I could not possibly care less'. Such a practice isn't about carelessness, it's more about practicing becoming care free.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I am not sure if you were similar at my age but sounds like you have been but basically the way I would describe myself in a group setting, particularly with new people I am meeting or groups I am unfamiliar with or not as attuned to, is that I try to listen to the conversations going on actively and block out thoughts in my head that distract me and if I feel I can contribute I will do so when I can interject otherwise I stay more quiet. I don't know if this is a weird thing or makes me look awkward or boring because it's not like I am a mute I would just say I am not overly animated in conversation with people/groups I have described until I am comfortable (this may not be until the next time I meet these people). The issue starts when I am self criticising in my head during these outings thinking things like "they are thinking I am weird I should say something", "what can I say" etc and pressure builds and builds that when I do say something or contribute it doesn't feel relaxed.

I am not sure if you experienced similar with the group you mentioned, how did you over time begin to manage this sort of care free type practice as you mentioned. Was there a moment for you where you broke the shackles so to speak with this type of struggle or were there little practical things you tried to implement over time that helped you naturally become more care free.

I am really trying hard to make an effort to stay involve in conversations and interactions and not let my judgemental thoughts over take my mind and make me lose myself in recent times. I am sort of making it up as I go to be honest.

I think a large part of the pressure is what I have mentioned previously before as well, I would say in essence I am an introverted extrovert but definitely more on the introverted side particularly when I first meet people. When I am comfortable I have been told I have a quirky side and dry sense of humour thanks to my father that comes out. I think I have my own style which is more a quiet wit if that makes sense, the issue I have at the moment is I seem so intensely focused on the voices distracting me inside my head that that side of me feels like its trapped and to compensate I try to be more like people around me who are extremely extroverted and I feel completely uneasy and have gotten very confused by it all in the process.

How have you been able to, with experience of course, quell those thoughts of people judging you and just let it go I guess?

Thanks