Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

If the soccer was a significant part of who you were, it's understandable to be kinda asking 'Well who am I now, without it?' Bit of a weird analogy but I find sometimes I feel a little like Tarzan, swinging from vine to vine through the jungle. In order to make progress in moving forward, I have to let go of the last vine while being able to identify the next one to grab onto. Sometimes it's easy-ish but if I have no sense of direction as to where I need to head it feels like I'm identifying myself as 'She who's stuck in mid swing, in limbo'. It's such a frustrating place to be at times, that's for sure. It feels a little this way, coming out of lockdown. Not sure at the moment what I'm meant to be reaching for. Maybe it's the self preservationist in me who imagines suddenly go into a 7th one 🙂 Actually, it wasn't until this last one that reality hit: I've spent months waiting out lockdowns. I'd become 'a waiter', so now what to do, now that I'm no longer a waiter? Who the heck am I?

I wish more people had a talent for bringing out the best in us. It would make socialising so much easier. I admit I'm a shocker when it comes to small talk, you know, that kind of stuff like 'So, what do you do for a living? How many kids do you have? How've you been?' That kind of stuff. I know some people are genuinely interested but I'm terrible at keeping the flow of small talk going. I actually know a number of people who say the same thing. Then you've got those who know how to bring out the best in people. Could go something like 'So, what do you think of the furnishings in this place? What do you think about the colour and the way they've set everything out?' Could start off as simple as that. Could lead into a half hour conversation that goes from furnishings to why it's in the nature of people to choose what they choose in a public place. I love those folk who bring out the best in us - that chatty self, the open minded wonderful self, the self that smiles and laughs, the self that instantly feels relaxed and so on. I'm kinda shy so I love meeting people who have the ability to do this. Makes life so much easier. I like doing this myself, for other people who obviously look uncomfortable in social settings. I really feel for them.

Perhaps sometimes bringing out the best in someone involves pointing out where that next vine is. I think we all need such people in our life from time to time. Without that next vine in place, can be easy to lose momentum 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I definitely agree with your analogy and sentiments about finding that next thing to grab onto. I definitely feel a sense of well what am I going to do now, I lose such a big area of my life and yes I could get into coaching or a committee role but it is difficult at my young age and it is the team spirit and camaraderie amongst the players that is what was the real release for me.

I think the impending loss of this has heightened those feelings of being alone and that want for a partner because I figure like if I was to have a partner it would not matter as much as I would have someone to spend time with but that issue is the source of a lot of ill feelings I have in myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself maybe because of cultural expectations to get a good job, have a partner, build a family home etc and it almost feels like I have failed at 25 even though I am young as theres this expectation that I should have all these things just worked out. It is definitely not through a lack of trying maybe I have issue with completely letting go of anxieties and stuff like that which can mask certain parts of myself which flourish around people I know well.

I have felt myself sort of give up on this area of my life over the last couple months as I am tired of hearing the same thing such as "nice guy but....", I am trying to take a break and let things come to me but I have mixed emotion about this as I've grown to believe through experiences I have had that things don't just happen and I will have to try make something happen. I guess as silly as it sounds it's just very disheartening at the moment combined with this up and down feeling I have of what I want to be.

I hear what you say about being a shy type of person because I feel the same way although many people have suggested otherwise. The way I describe myself is someone who is probably more inclined to listen to others at first before I almost determine in my mind "it's safe to be myself" as silly as this sounds. I can do small talk but I do seem to get bored of this quickly. I feel like I have an inner fear to let go of voices in my head stopping me from letting go and relaxing in moments.

Lockdowns definitely affect this and I completely understand what you have said about them, I feel from some things you have told me about yourself despite the possible age gap and differing life experience we are probably similar kinds of people!:)

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I can relate to those voices, that internal dialogue, that can stop us from letting go. Personally, I used to be a shocker when it came to following that internal dialogue. There would even be times where I would want to give someone a compliment and that voice would pop up dictating 'Don't say anything, that person will think you're stupid for saying it', so I'd keep my mouth shut. Later, I'd wish I had said something.

It wasn't until a certain point in time where I began to give thought to the saying 'To be in 2 minds'. I was so often in 2 minds and, being analytical, had to work out what this was all about. I needed to know what was stopping me from being my true self. When I meditated on the 2 minds thing, what came to mind was that image of 'an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other'. So, I imagined what it would be like to listen to that which felt 'angelic'. Strange but things began to change a little. While once I would have refrained from giving someone a compliment, I began to hand out more compliments, not caring about what anyone thought of me. What came to mind at such times was 'Why would you not tell someone how amazing they are or how beautiful they are?!' My relationships with people began to change. It worked in other ways too. The people who I found to be degrading were met with me saying stuff like 'What leads you to be so degrading?', instead of me sitting back and letting them tell me stuff I'd sadly come to believe, in certain cases.

I suppose I found it to be an exercise in consciousness, when it comes to the 2 minds thing. Which mind was I prepared to take more notice of? I try to choose 'the divine mind' you could say. A lot of inspiration comes from this state of mind. A lot of challenges come from it too. It's like you can be in a social setting when the words pop in 'Just be yourself'. So, this becomes the challenge, to be yourself. In the 2 minds scenario, this can be argued: 'Just be yourself' can be followed with 'You can't be yourself, what will people think of you?! They'll think you're an idiot'. It can be an almost torturous argument, the battle between 2 minds 🙂

Bit of a weird perspective perhaps but in the battle between 2 minds, I try to imagine I'm rising to courage in some cases. The rise to incredible courage feels the same as the rise to incredible anxiety. The difference comes down to mindset, how we identify the rise we're feeling. It can be a tough one to practice at first 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I definitely hear what you're saying about the internal dialogue and the two minds going against each other as I definitely feel this in a big way. For example, I will be out at a dinner or at a family dinner and often my mind is ticking over thinking "you should say something otherwise you seem boring" or "just relax and stop thinking about everything" as strange as those thoughts seem it's often the narrative going on. The issue I seem to have is that these turn into thoughts by the end of the night that are gear toward "you're pathetic for not being yourself and relaxing" or "why can't I show who I am" and basically surmising that the way I am is just not good enough socially.

I am not sure if you have had the same issue before but also another big struggle I find I have is I will be speaking to someone and I feel like in the back of my mind I am judging what I am saying/doing like "what are thinking of me at the moment" or "they think I'm weird I can tell" or "they don't like me or what I'm saying". I actually am feeling the exhaustion of this these days.

The strange part is I feel like I am aware of all the things I have going for me but it does not help because the thought that I am alone plagues this rationality and it's really sporadic and random the way the thoughts bounce around. For example, I have found I might go to bed one night think "don't stress you have things going for you just be patient and things will happen" then randomly I will wake up and out of nothing I start thinking "I am alone, I am perceived to be weird because I am quiet, why would someone like me or why can't I find someone that likes me" and this just keeps going. This happens throughout the day where I have moments of "confidence" if you will and then I might be on a walk and just see something random or see people together and then it starts again. I am not sure if this normal or if there is just something wrong with me.

I guess I am just frustrated as well that I feel I can be a great support for others and then it almost feels like I am completely hopeless when it comes to my own issues. I like how you think of it as a rise to courage and I want to practice this and fulfil the potential I believe I have as a person but it just feels like a lonely battle at the moment and I feel very disheartened with where my life is at even though on paper it would seem otherwise to the people around me and I guess I feel misunderstood.

Thanks again

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

We humans are definitely quirky creatures. One of those quirky traits is the 'You' vs 'I/me' phenomenon. I'll elaborate on what I mean by highlighting something you mentioned: "don't stress you have things going for you just be patient and things will happen" then randomly I will wake up and out of nothing I start thinking "I am alone, I am perceived to be weird because I am quiet, why would someone like me or why can't I find someone that likes me".

It's amazing how many people experience this, myself included. When I first noticed it, I thought 'I'll see how common this is' (out of curiosity), so I began to observe it. I was quite surprised. I suppose everyone's got a different take on this, what it's all about. While a psychologist may suggest 'I/me' is the ego mind, always searching for a way for us to identify our self, they may suggest 'You' is the conscious mind, trying to communicate with us. Another way of looking at it could involve that thing I mentioned, angel on one shoulder and so called 'devil' on the other - 'You will be okay' vs 'You are pathetic' with the 'I/me/my' being in the middle, listening while analysing and trying to make sense. No matter what it is, it's interesting. When I'm conscious of it, I try to make the most of it.

I found observing what comes to mind to be challenging in a lot of ways. One of the questions I asked myself many times was 'How do I know what is the 'right' thought vs what is the 'wrong' thought when it comes to taking notice of what comes to mind? This is where being sensitive pays off. The wrong thought feels saddening, depressing, upsetting etc. By the way, constructive thoughts don't always appear as inspiring, happy and positive at first. For example, what comes to mind may be 'You are a loser'. At first it may feel depressing to me until I begin to think 'Well, if I'm a loser, this must mean I am losing something. What is it I'm losing?' The answer may be 'I'm a loser of motivation, direction, a greater sense of clarity...' and so on. Once I know what I've lost, then I know what I need to work toward regaining.

Making sense of and getting a feel for what comes to mind can be seriously challenging at times 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

i definitely feel a lot of what you’re saying describes well the inner battle I feel like I’m having with myself.

Something I wanted to see what your take on is or if you’ve experienced is that I feel like this constant questioning voice inside my head doesn’t allow me to fully be myself and I feel like this is contributing a lot to these feelings of loneliness as it seems like I can’t fully connect because I’m in my head analysing how I’m coming across and what I’m saying.

Then there are occasions where I feel myself and I get rejected or feel like I’m coming across weird and it puts me off being myself.

And I feel like after this I really analyse what I did wrong or what’s wrong with me to an extreme extent and I get exhausted and down and I can’t function, I lose sleep and lost motivation etc

For example, I met someone earlier this year and it was going really well and it just abruptly ended and since then I have struggled to get over it and i find myself obsessively searching for a reason as to what I did or didn’t do. When I feel I am more logical and say it just wasn’t the right person something happens like we run into each other (we live around the corner) and I spiral into what if’s again as I do not believe there was actually an issue, it just ended from her end and she didn’t really elaborate but I wouldn’t say we left off badly at all.

I have been feeling a deep sense of regret that I should done something different and this has just exacerbated the loneliness I already feel but I don’t want my happiness/unhappiness dependent on a partner solely because I don’t even feel like I even know who I am on my own

sorry for the rambles I go on, thanks for being someone to chat with

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I never see questioning or wondering as rambling. On the contrary. I find it inspiring, a person's longing to find answers 🙂

I often get a greater sense of who I am through my relationship to other people. My relationships with others has the ability to help me see how I relate to my self. For example, my son's a natural born philosopher, often questioning the nature of reality. The joy I feel in philosophising with him tells me I have this nature. My husband enjoys sameness to a large degree. The agitation I feel when there is little change in our relationship tells me I am someone who thrives on evolution. Even my relationship with a stranger can tell me something about myself. If I'm observing a stranger abusing a shop assistant and I remain a bystander in the situation, my upset will tell me who I am while I continue to stand by and watch: I am someone who cannot simply stand by and observe abuse without feeling it. If I am upstanding, speaking up, then I've met with my true self wholly, not just partly. That stranger reveals something to me about myself. How we feel our experiences in relation to others can reveal a lot about who we are.

The problem with no feedback, like with the girl you briefly dated, often we can't relate to who we are when there's no feedback. One of the toughest things about getting feedback comes with judging the feedback and not our self. For most of my life, I took feedback personally. Can be depressing. Not taking it personally makes more sense when 50 people may refer to us as 'boring' but 5 relate to us as fascinating. The opinion of the 5 may come with good reason.

After coming out of more than a decade in depression some years ago, I gravitated toward the mind/body/spirit side of life. At first, this brought me incredible joy. After a while of having a lot of people in my life degrade me (weirdo, crazy etc), I stopped this enjoyment. It became depressing trying to fit in. Then I met this amazing guy who said 'The path to being yourself can be incredibly hard. You have to forgive your self for moving off that path, so as to please others. People will throw mud and sh*t at you and you have to learn to wash it off and keep moving forward'. This reminds me of one of my favourite quotes, by E. E. Cummings...

'To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting' 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks for replying again

What you've said is particularly inspiring to me and I find comfort in knowing you got out of your depression and does fill me with a sense of hope.

I have tried for so long to fit a certain mould in order to really feel like I fit in, it has been this way since I was a kid. I always have found myself with "friends" but never really a valued part of those groups if that makes sense. It feels like I am always easily forgotten if I am to be myself and I've always had experiences where to be myself is to be seen as "weird", "boring" etc. I have grown up around social groups that are what one would call "alpha male" type characters. And it is very sink or swim like. I would say my natural nature is to be down to earth, more reserved and to listen first before speaking. I have been continually met with feelings of self consciousness that I am weird because of this or not an interesting person.

I really want to experience a proper connection with someone that I haven't had but when I try to open my true self up it ends up with the other person saying you're nice but xyz, or I have had occasions where someone has said I am weird because I am quiet. So over time I feel beat down that to be myself is not the way to go. I feel I need to be loud and boisterous and I have tried this and it exhausts me to a point where I cannot think straight and I spiral into a deep depression when I am alone. I am not sure if that makes sense at all.

As you mentioned you came out of this depression to fit in I wanted to ask what are some things you tried to do to really accept/find yourself in these moments. I tend to be trapped inside my mind and I don't feel like I am coping that well with all the pressure of trying to meet someone, working and building a future, trying to feel accepted in social settings and also accepting myself. I want to try but I feel helpless as to where to start and I feel weak expressing this, I am not sure if you had this experience as well?

Thanks again I really appreciate it

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

In order to become more myself over time, I became a 'researcher'. This is one of the benefits of the internet. With me having developed an idea of who I basically was, I took it to the next level. With researching, you can either define it as investigating who you are or re-searching (searching again) for you you are, if you've lost your core sense of self.

While you may have been a little natural in kinder, who doesn't think about how to act (you just act like you), looking into 'How do I find my natural self?' could give you clues in regaining that sense of self. Perhaps researching 'How do I balance the observer in me with my more active sense of self?' could also lead you to revelations.

If you're a natural philosopher, researching different philosophers might lead you to vibe with one in particular. 'I would never have considered that perspective in a million years. That's brilliant!' tells you you're experiencing a shift in 'reality'. It's said that reality is often nothing more than 'perspective'. It's like we may all see the same thing or the same event take place, yet it's our individual perspective/experience that dictates how we interact with it, what kind of reality we declare it as being.

Wondering whether you're this person or that person or wondering whether you're perhaps someone different from what you imagine in some ways, is something worth researching. If you don't research, you may never know. 'I am not who I think I am' is a constructive mantra to keep in mind through such research. If someone declares me as boring or weird and I think (mentally process) and then believe 'This is who I am' then this thinking does me a disservice. Now, if I stop thinking and feel myself as someone who's a listener and someone who is outstanding amongst 'normal' people, this can feel true, it can actually feel good at times. Sounds weird but I try not to think too much. I'm more of a feeler when it comes to finding the truth.

I found, once I began to get a more solid sense of who I am, I became more confident through falling in love with different aspects of myself, such as the self that wonders, the self that listens, researches, observes, feels and more. Sometimes you can feel how depressing it is to act like anyone other than yourself.

If you find you wonder far more than anyone else you know, consider the truth as being - you are the most wonderful (wonder full) person you know. There is nothing weird about being so full of wonder 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Much of what you say has resonates with me for sure!

I have actually been feeling things like I wish I was able to just act like myself like I did when I was younger as you mentioned. I definitely want to solve these problems I’m having so I guess that’s a start.

I am not sure if this is normal at my age of 25 to be going through such an identity crisis that it really cripples my daily interactions and clouds everything I have been doing with uncertainty and a real lack of enjoyment for life at the moment. If I was able to stay in bed and avoid another day of just repeat intense thinking then I would

I do not know if you experienced similar at all around my age to what I’m about to explain but I would be interested to know if you feel it is a normal sort of crisis if you will.

I feel when I meditate upon the question of who I am naturally when I am of sound mind I come the conclusion, I am a sort of introverted extrovert who can be quieter in group setting initially until I “warm up” but I am never the focal point of a group or centre of attention, I often feel I fade into the background. I would say I am pretty easy going and just generally down to earth but I have what my family say is a quirky side/sense of humour.

What I’d like perspective on is the fact that I often see people in groups that seem to be just more free of mind, out there or flamboyant or fun for lack of a better term and people gravitate toward them. I feel this huge pressure that I need to be more of that as why would anyone gravitate toward a person who is just basically down to earth. It feels like me being an easy going, listening before speaking type is not an attractive proposition to anyone and is just plain old boring. I feel hopeless and huge pressures that I can’t attractive a partner or people in general unless I become some alpha male or really extroverted character in groups.

That is the essence of the internal dialogue battle I have with myself every single day and it has worn me down to a point where I feel even worse for being like this now that lockdowns over because I should be happy to go and do things out in the public but I’m afraid of not being accepted, not finding someone who would like someone like me and from this I just feel pathetic for feeling all of this as a whole and not being able to just relax.

sorry if my posts are confusing and all over the place as I’ve said before but I’m very thankful you take the time to reply

Daniel