Going out with the tide

[Girl_Anachronism]

I'm not sure what the point of this post is or if it will even mak sesne. There is jumble of emotions in me..I'm not sure where to start.

We went to the beach yesterday. It was too rough to swim but I stood in the shoreline, feeling the waves crash into my legs and leaning down, feeling the drag as the water was pulled back out again. All the water, pulled by a huge nameless force that we humans are forced to bow befoe it.

The day had been ok. I even let loose a few unconscious squeals of happiness as the water first brushed my legs, cold at first and then later the only place that felt warm. My husband lay behind me up the beach, hidden under a towel (he's red headed- him going to the beach for even ten minutes is like begging for a sunburn).

Yet, sitting in the waves, feeling them go in and pull out, all I could think of was how easy it would be to just let go. Stop digging my self in the sand and let the tide take me. Where when I would go I don't care. Just away from here. Away from me.

I don't like me at the moment. I donlt like this house. I don't like the tree outside my window. I don't like; I don't want any of this.

It's so hard to fight. It's so easy to let go.

Can't I just let go? I'm so tired of fighting. So tired of all of this.

GA

[joey]

Your post made me smile - I like that you are waiting for the stars to come out. They will you just need a bit of time for the clouds to clear!

Anyway I got to run (going out for breakfast which I love and is my preferred way of catching up with friends because I don't really like going out in the evening - scared of late nights!!).

The OCD/panic stuff still scared me because its like a switch in my head and I cant control it. It tends to happen more for me when I am very stressed. Anyway still kinda working on that one myself.

Hope you have a good day. Joey

[coolbanana]

Hi GA, thanks for holding on.  You have so much strength. I guess you probably dont feel that way, but you are and you have been, for a long time. 

My last tailspin was foreshortened by my spouse telling me that i didnt have to finish the drying up. Just being given permission to stop and relax, take a break, was such a relief. I spent the weekend in bed doing nothing but facebook and other internet stuff, like here on bb,. Long and short of it is a usual two week crash lasted for only three days. If i weren't already married to her i would marry her yesterday today and tomorrow!

peace , TeeJay

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi All,

THankyou. I may not feel it whent he dark nights come but i truly appreciate the support of people on this site.

The OCD blowing into full on panic attacks is so scary bcause of the lack of control. I haven't found a way to wrestle control back yet. I guess that's different for all of us.

How are you all doing?

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I'm so glad you got to have a long talk with your husband; and that you have a plan if things go bad.

You know GA, you are a fighter and yes fight until you can see those stars.

How did you sleep last night? I hope you got some sleep.

Thinking of you, take care

Jo xx

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Your latest post (I think) about you and your husband having long talk sounded like it produced good results from it.  Putting a plan in place is always a very positive move.

You are putting up a huge fight with what you’re battling and I hope that your troops are slowly advancing and ever slowly are taking down the enemy.

How are you travelling at the moment?

Kind regards

Neil