Going out with the tide

[Girl_Anachronism]

I'm not sure what the point of this post is or if it will even mak sesne. There is jumble of emotions in me..I'm not sure where to start.

We went to the beach yesterday. It was too rough to swim but I stood in the shoreline, feeling the waves crash into my legs and leaning down, feeling the drag as the water was pulled back out again. All the water, pulled by a huge nameless force that we humans are forced to bow befoe it.

The day had been ok. I even let loose a few unconscious squeals of happiness as the water first brushed my legs, cold at first and then later the only place that felt warm. My husband lay behind me up the beach, hidden under a towel (he's red headed- him going to the beach for even ten minutes is like begging for a sunburn).

Yet, sitting in the waves, feeling them go in and pull out, all I could think of was how easy it would be to just let go. Stop digging my self in the sand and let the tide take me. Where when I would go I don't care. Just away from here. Away from me.

I don't like me at the moment. I donlt like this house. I don't like the tree outside my window. I don't like; I don't want any of this.

It's so hard to fight. It's so easy to let go.

Can't I just let go? I'm so tired of fighting. So tired of all of this.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

HI Joey,

Your poems are lovely. I used to write peoms in highschool, but have move don to novels now. Peoms ar emuch easlier let me tell you. No constant plot to worry over! Damn plot bunnies. I don't know if ypu are that way inclined but one of the few reasons I got through November was because I did National Novel Writing Month. It really helped me to focus and gave me soemthgin to do in the hours where i couldn't sleep.

I wrote 50 000 words towards my novel in 29 days, I haven't written any since- I have been in too much of a funk to think alot of the time.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

HI Jo.

 I wish I could say I'm ok but I'm not. My mood has been pretty low and I juat had  a panic attack over losing a particular box of chocolates. We have tonnes from christmas, why did it need to be the one that I couldn't find?  I got so...stuck I couldn't sit down at the pc, couldn't make cup of tea, without thinking about where the box was and panicking.

I eneded up call BB and they talked me out of my panic attack. THe good half of me, the happy one, wants to live and promised that.

I will call them again if it gets bad. I am just so scared, that I am losing my mind.

GA

 

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi Girl_Anachronism

Just checking in as we are worried about your most recent post. It sounds like today is a really hard day for you and we want to make sure you have enough support to get through it - It's fantastic that you have already phoned beyondblue and we are glad that this has helped. We would encourage you to phone again however on 1300 22 4636 and let them know how you're going now.

We have also sent you an email with contact details for you nearest mental health service incase you don't already have these details.

Please take care and keep in touch via the forum to let us know how you're going.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Thankyou for the comment/post/email/thing.

I am ok for the moment. My husband knows how I am feeling at the moment and I hav phone numbers handy if like earlier I can't tal to him. Hoping a quiet weekend in will help unitl my appointments. Not that I haven't been spending all of the day inside the house.

I just feel like I am letting everybody down. There are normal funtioning people out there. Why can't I be one of them, not this broken rotting corpse? Because of me he is going to miss out on a convention he helped plan and orgainse, because of me he can't sleep.
 

He can't trust me not to swing low and do something when he isn't looking. I'd refute it but I can't trust myself etiher.

I'm losing my mind, I know it.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

I'm sorry for taking up your time.

I'm so so sorry.

I just want to..scream..or something.

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I hope you can get some sleep today.  You sound exhausted.

Please take care and phone those numbers you have in you need to.

Just letting you know that I am thinking of you, please take care

Jo xx

[joey]

Hey GA

I have a lot of trouble with looking for things (that don't really need to be found) and panic too. Once 13 years ago I stayed up till 3am looking for an expired drivers licence (clearly not needed as expired) and I stayed up for 6 hour looking until 3am when I had an exam the next morning and should of been studying. This was one of the first times I realised I actually had a problem! An item just pop into my head and I have to find it. Sometime this can happen when on holidays and if I don't know exactly where everything in my house is I get very distressed. Anyway it has improved over the years but still a problem for me sometimes. People always thing OCD is neat but actually it can be very messy if your compulsion is to take everything out to find one item!

One thing I have found that might be of help is that you just have to let go of feeling bad about things you do when you are distressed (like calling beyond blue or posting or **** something you think was 'silly' like looking for something). I found that not only did I have these distressing event but then spent the next 3 days stressing over what had already happened. It doesn't fix it. And by that time something else 'bad' might happen so starts over. So just try and let go. I say to myself I have a condition and did the best I could then I think of things I could do to stop it happening again instead of wasting time feeling bad. Like next time I will try and side down for 10 minutes before continuing looking. I have some 'panic strategies' in a note on my iPhone. These are things like stop, sit down. if I have to look do it slowly and only look in each place once - otherwise ii sometimes open and close the same cupboard 100 times (literally). Do you think any of this would help? Obviously have to think of your own strategies as mine might not work. but the think is think forwards not backwards.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo,

 With two sleeping pills last night, I slept for 7 hours (after a 3 hour attempt to try and get to sleep post taking pills).  I have a three hour nap in the afternoon.

I wake up this morning as bad a mood as yesterday. Sleep is helping me be a little more stable but these mood swings...I am so over them.


GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Joey,

While I have had OCD tendancies before- arranging things, cleaning things,etc. It has never gotten to a full blown almost passing out panic attack before. I have alaways managed to get through and force myself to get out of where its stuck.

This anxiety/OCD world is an entirely new thing to me. I'm very scared of just whats wrong in my head.

Help.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

To anyone who is stil reaing this,

I just wanted to post an update. I have ha long long conversation with my husband and we talked things out, decided some things and though I too emotionally drained to post right now, know that I am going to be OK.

We have a plan if things go wrong..

I am fighting this, I am fighting to see those stars in the darkness.

GA