Going out with the tide

Girl_Anachronism · ‎02-01-2014

I'm not sure what the point of this post is or if it will even mak sesne. There is jumble of emotions in me..I'm not sure where to start.

We went to the beach yesterday. It was too rough to swim but I stood in the shoreline, feeling the waves crash into my legs and leaning down, feeling the drag as the water was pulled back out again. All the water, pulled by a huge nameless force that we humans are forced to bow befoe it.

The day had been ok. I even let loose a few unconscious squeals of happiness as the water first brushed my legs, cold at first and then later the only place that felt warm. My husband lay behind me up the beach, hidden under a towel (he's red headed- him going to the beach for even ten minutes is like begging for a sunburn).

Yet, sitting in the waves, feeling them go in and pull out, all I could think of was how easy it would be to just let go. Stop digging my self in the sand and let the tide take me. Where when I would go I don't care. Just away from here. Away from me.

I don't like me at the moment. I donlt like this house. I don't like the tree outside my window. I don't like; I don't want any of this.

It's so hard to fight. It's so easy to let go.

Can't I just let go? I'm so tired of fighting. So tired of all of this.

GA

Neil_1 · ‎02-01-2014

GA

You’re in an awful place at the moment … could I please ask that you don’t go back to the beach for a while; and DEFINITELY not by yourself. Please promise me that. I know only too well the dangers of water. Mine was from a river, but the ocean is even more powerful and dangerous.

My mind’s a bit of a rabble at the moment, but do you have an appointment coming up possibly next week, or did you not have one sometime this week? I’m sorry for asking cause you have said in other posts. I feel crap for having to ask … but I hope that there is one soon

GA, don’t let go … hold on and please keep fighting. You might say why. But for the time being, I’m just going to say hold on there girl. I know you can … and even if only for a smidgeon of yesterday you felt happiness. I know this … cause you told us in your post.

You even added humour to your post by commenting about hubby hiding under a towel otherwise he’d be roasted.

You’re in the fits of bad depression, but there’s still little rays of sunshine poking through. Ok, so they’re weak and now overly powerful, but they really must quite powerful to be able to penetrate the blanket of darkness that you’ve got over you.

Is it possible to phone up a tree surgeon to remove the tree that’s outside your window? I mean it must be ugly as all sin for you not to like it … um, but don’t do anything too drastic to your house though. That’s probably quite important at this time. Especially for hubby, cause the roof is a saviour for him from the sun … so don’t be doing anything with the house, ok?

You know 10CC had a song heaps of years back … “I don’t like cricket, oh no, I LOVE IT”. You know, that’s how I feel during summer … and the 12th Man also had a song out way back when called “Marvellous” and there was a line in it, “Cause in summer, in Australia, if you don’t like cricket, well it’s a real bumma that, cause cricket is the number one game in town”; I could go on, as I know that song off by heart.

My point here is ………. Um, yeah, what is my … oh yeah, my point here GA is: I quite like cricket. No hang on, I love it. Do you?

And you know it’s a real case of either you love cricket or you can’t stand it. But here, play the game with me … what’s your thoughts on the ball hitting willow throughout the summer months?

Hear from you soon please? (insert cheeky wink)

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎02-01-2014

HI Neil,

I have an appointment with th epsych team at the hospital on Monday, and my regular psych on Tuesday ( this is the one I organised weeks and weeks ago).

As for the tree, it's on council property on the verge so I can't really do anything about it. Even if I had good reason to tell the land lord as to why I want it gone.

Call me a real bummer than because I don't follow any conventional sport. Never understood the attraction of any of them. I wish you all the fun in the world with it though. Just coz I don't get it doesn't mean you can't enjoy it.

You know it's my wedding anniversary today? It's been four years since we were married. THreyears before that we met. I posted a lving message on his facebook and swore up and down that I would be ok while he caught up on some sleep. I meant that.

Thing is I also mean the post above. I feel like I am two people living in the same body. One want s to live and the other, not so much. THe other is so so tired of all of this and wants a current to just wash her away.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to think.

GA

joey · ‎02-01-2014

Hi GA,

I find the ocean very powerful. I wrote some poems about the ocean (a few years ago). I was in a very dark place at the time and the poem explained why I was so connected to the ocean I guess. Your notion of going out with the tide made me remember this. It's strange I don't generally write poetry but in my darkest moments this was the only think that I could do to explain how I felt. Would you mind if I shared my poems with you? Maybe you can relate to them, maybe then at least you would not feel alone and maybe to know I got through what you are going through would help. Would that be alright? I don't want to post something that will be more upsetting! They are not happy poems but sometimes I think playing happy music when you are depressed just seems silly. People used to tell me to do that - play less depressing music. My friend thought it was my music that made me depressed!!! But no I needed music to match my mood. Anyway what do you think?

Girl_Anachronism · ‎02-01-2014

I know what you mean about needing something to match your mood. Maybe others are different and that is what does set them off. Not me. It helps having sad music when I was sad, happy music just felt abrasive.

If BB lets you post them and your comfortable, sure. Can't be any worse than right now.

My husband deserves so much more than this broken doll of wife. He deserves something more stable. I just feel I am doing him no good. I'm not doing anyone any good. Even myself.

GA

joey · ‎03-01-2014

I will post now but also first wanted to say that your post above is wrong. You deserve your husband. He is unfortunate that his wife is sick but don't feel he deserves more. Because when you improve he will have a wonderful, supportive wife with a lot of insight and compassion. You are doing all you can right now and he has chosen to support you so accept that. Don't push him away or put it on him that he deserves more - please value yourself.

joey · ‎03-01-2014

Alone, drowning in the ocean

The rip surrounds me,

Swirling emotions.

My friends are afraid,

They see the rip

And know,

If they come to save me,

The must face the emotions surrounding me

I am afraid,

If I ask for help,

If I let people to close,

They may feel the turmoil

They may not be able to protect themselves

From the savage waves,

And I may lose them.

So I go further under,
Drowning in salty tears,

I sink deeper.

Reality blurred,

By sand swirling in my face.

Will I find the strength to break free,

And if I do,

Will I ever make it to the shores of recovery?

The sun glistens and sparkle

A surface of happiness

That hides dark pools of sorrow

I bob up and down,

Between love and hate,

Happiniess and sorrow,

Comfort and fear.

To survive takes just enough strength

To keep my head above the surface.

But if I get lost in my emotions,

Lose sight of the world above my own

I will be taken by the ocean,

Drown deep in the waters of my emotions.

joey · ‎03-01-2014

Calm, crystal clear in the morning

As the afternoon sea breeze come in

Waters begin to swell

Emotions crashing waves

Pushing friends further out to sea

Blue, crystal clear

Outwardly sparkling and carefree

The shark swims beneath a surface

Savage and taking control

Unpredictable

Unseen rips

Take hold unexpectedly

I fight them but need help to break free

Fear, the sand beneath me is constantly changing

It will never again be the same

Fear, creatures washed out to sea

Will they abandon me?

Can I tame the ocean?

Float along the currents.

And tame the sharks

And know that when the tide changes,

The calm waters will return.

......................................................................................

I took a couple of lines out of this one as thought may not get through. But what I like is even in the darkest moments I seemed to know that it wasn't forever that the calm waters would return. I certainly didn't feel this or know it consciously. But deep inside I guess I did know. And maybe you do too. Stay safe. Remember things never stay the same. Some days will be better.

Jo3 · ‎03-01-2014

Hey Joey

I can relate so much to these poems.

Thanks for sharing them.

Jo

Jo3 · ‎03-01-2014

Hi GA

I hope you're okay this morning. Just read your last post and do you know what? Your husband deserves you because you are a tower of strength, you are a fighter. Ok, maybe for now your mental illness is taking over but you can get through this. You can fight it and beat it. And then your husband will be so damn proud of you.

You know I thought the same thing as you a while ago but then I thought ok i have this mental illness, i am not who i was before but i am coping as best i can for now and my husband knows this and is still here for me. At times though i thought he would be better off without me; but no our husbands are here for a reason - because they love us and will be with us no matter what, now matter how bad we treat them - they are here for us now.

I am building that island somewhere for myself that was a great idea. That is going to be my "safe place" that i can imagine.

Take care GA, talk soon

Jo xx