Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[Neil_1]

Yes GA - that's it.

And these little things are just that, little things, but in the greater scheme of things they are big things.  I know that doesn't sound right, but I know what I'm trying to say.

Or even, you could try a cup of soup.  Times like these winter days when a cup of soup can go down nicely.

Neil

[Apathia]

Hey Girl,

I'm so sorry to see you're feeling so awful atm. I am checking the forum right now specifically to make sure you keep on keepin on. 

What I tell myself when feeling incredibly low is that for now you don't have to worry about anything except making it thru the next little while knowing that this WILL be temporary. Accept that for the moment life will feel like crap and you don't have to do anything but ride the wave ... trough! Just getting to your doc/psych appts. Let the professionals do their work but accepting that this too will take time. Give yourself a break.

I know you read a lot. Get  a mindfullness book and practice some techniques.

Reading this back I realise i may sound flippant, I don't mean to. Life can be super sucky but writing of your struggle is helping others not feel so alone....you are awesome!! 

I am thinking of you and I just wish I could help more....

A x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Given thehouse is especially cold, I am going to get some soups and up n gos tomorrow. My appetite has been non existant lately but they  the kind of low effort food I coukd make myself have.  

I am also out of darjeeling tea. 😞

I am getting flippant now. Mood swings ahoy? 

Any way time to leave the house ( cue anxiety shakes) to get sushi for lunch. I was going to go for a walk but it was too much to do on my own. So lunch with the housemate it is instead. Maybe I'll even treat myself to some bubble tea.

GA

P.S : Thankyou. Just thankyou.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Apathia, 

It really means alot that people care enough to check on me. I still don't see why you would. I guess I can't from where I am.

I did get to lunch, no bubble tea. I ate food. Points for me.

The anxiety that kicked in as soon as I planned to leave the house went into borderline mania, and now I am home again, anxious and depressed if that is possible. Shakes in my room. Ugh. 

I am just not winning today.

As for books, I plan to get a few select ones but am just waiting for a bill to go through first. 

It just feels like if I meep moving, if I keep doing something then i am somewhat functional, if a little manic. But then a wave of depression will hit me in the middle of a period of decision and I'll find myself frozen in a room, unable to move or explain why I am there, or even remember what I was doing. Like there is gaping chasm full dark and evil things just waiting for me, and I can never get far away enough from it. Tendrils keeps snaking out and pulling me back in.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Evening all, 

So the crash came. I was somewhat functional. By that I mean I didn't change back into my pyjamas and get under the doona. I stayed on top of it.

I called the old clinic and let the newcase manager know that I had a new psych and gp elsewhere, plus all the details of that and my new drugs.She offered there services but the waiting list hasn't got any better and I don't want to go back there. She was sympathetic though, and made sure I had support and emergency numbers. If I go back there, I can just get another referral.

So that call was stressful but its done now. My energy waned as the day went on and I crashed when I received an email from the ex. A final demand for my address and legal name for legal letters. I did the right thing and forwarded it to my solicitor.

I tell myself thats all I can do for now. I tell myself he can't do all he threatens. I tell myself he doesn't affect me anymore. I tell myself I am stronger then that.

But it does affect me. It makes that hole he left in my heartache. It makes me more than a little sadder, that it has degenerated to this. That he would choose to hurt me so. It reminds me of what we were, what we had back in the beginning. Then I look at what it has become. I never intended for this to happen. I never meant for it to end this way. 

But I made the choice to leave. Sure he shouldn't have given me an ultamatum. But I made that choice. I put myself where I am now. I did that. Yet I sit here crying, knowing that I can't hate him. Anger yes. Annoying, yes. But hate....hate I reserve for myself and the monster whose seed I come from.

An old hurt, a hurt you've heard before. But it hurts all the same. It just damn hurts.

GA

[--Danny--]

Hi GA, please take it day by day...u will get a few wins now & then...I deleted my facebook..FB is depressing I reckon..I think it can cause trouble..

Maybe have FB for family only? I know u feel really depressed but...if u have the energy, try get outside for a walk or join a gym...exercise makes u feel way better instantly...the trainers there are helpful, they can keep u motivated & on track...why not ey? The gym is a great way to meet friends..especially if u do group fitness classes...they always make friends & have a coffee after the classes...even a female personal trainer could help u...they really listen to u & will help u become a stronger & healthier person...as the old saying goes, "healthy body healthy mind"..why not give it it a shot? it is definately a positive move...this is my honest advice GA..

Danny

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Danny, 

I am trying to take it day by day. Hell, hour by hour.

Facebook is now only family, extended family and  my last few friends, whom I live with. There is one other friend on there but she is over in america at the moment. The messages I am receiving from the ex are via email.  I have to leave that avenue open at the moment for legal reasons. Eventually I will block him there too,  but not until my solicitor says so.

Exercise wise, I am trying to get out walking when I can. Lately my head is too full of monsters. I had plans for other classes, but I am dealing with other bills first before I can invest in that. It is especially hard to get motivation on the cold winter mornings. 

GA

[Jo3]

Dear GA

I'm sending you a big warm hug and a nice hot chocolate !!

I am hearing that you are struggling, pls take little steps, I am here for you GA.  I am glad that you forwarded the ex's email to your solicitor to take care of it for you.  You don't need the extra stress from him.

GA, I feel for you so much.  I wish there was more I could do.  But I'm here reading your posts and there's a hug coming your way.

Take care, chat again soon

Jo xx

[geoff]

dear GA,

Can I take you back to when I was at the crossroad of overcoming my depression, and it was the greatest relief that I hadn't had in such a long time, so I know you are going to ask how I did it, just as other people have asked me, but I never seem to be able to relate what happened for me, compared to what is happening with them, because it is rather difficult to explain.

I know what happened but how can I tell other people who are in a different situation than I was, it's not easy, as they can't seem to relate to what the hell I am trying to tell them, and even if they sort of understand it it hasn't made them overcome their depression.

So basically here I was sitting down at this cross road and there were 4 directions to take, go left and succumb to the continuing depression, or go down which is straight back in the hole no questions asked, down I go, or go right and try and overcome my illness with the help of psych's and proceed with caution, which is always a safe option, or go straight ahead and seal up all those continuing concerns in a box and throw them aside into the bermuda triangle, never to be seen again, and if by any chance they come back, it doesn't matter one iota, because I can't solve them, and do I need to solve them, as they will always pull me back into depression, because now my focus is only on going straight ahead, and will never look back ever again.

Sounds simple I know, but when our house was sold I could have asked my ex for $33k which is half of what her brother stole of us, and has never said thank you let alone offered to pay it back, but I didn't and I did this for a couple of reasons, firstly I wanted to stay in contact with her and knew that down the track we would meet when we had grand-kids, and if I said to her that she should pay me back then this would have lead to hostility, so I ignored it, and moved on, by now it's a lost cause, and if I thought about it and fretted then back I would go into depression, and by hell and by crook I didn't want this.

I know that everybody have their own views, but to me, it was forgetting about it and move on, I had to, because I certainly didn't want another humpteen years in depression. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff, 

Believe it or not I actually get what you did. I understand the why and somewhat the how, as I did that myself. 

Back when I was in high school, when depression first hit I had my first attempts, my family had been completely unhelpful. They were the just smile, I don't care just smile so the neighbours don't know. I faced that cross roads then. I chose to put those issues in a box, tape it up tight and  then shove it away, in the deepest darkest corner of my mind. I told myself I was becoming somebody different. That I was choosing to be somebody different. 

In reality all I was doing was shoving my problems away and not thinking about them. This worked for seven years. I became a better person. Met my future husband, moved in, studied all of a degree at uni, got a savings account and learned to budget somewhat. 

But it was that denial of my degree, that red tape, that unearthed this box. Without me realising it, this box started leaking back into my own head. It took a year of fighting it, pretending it wasn't there, until november last year, the box was right there, in the middle of my head and it was open and empty. 

I had sealed away my problems. But I had also sealed away parts of myself I couldn't get to, couldn't use without that box. My creativity, all the art in me was locked away too. My emotions started to get shoved in that box, both good and bad. Until I wasn't a whole person anymore. I was a shell, with a big heavy box of this mess of good and bad.

What I am learning through therapy now, what I am fight7ng to do is not shove that away again to go off seven or however many years from now again. I am fighting to untangle it, take the good parts out, and absirb them into me. Take the bad parts to, and accept that they are apart of me too. 

I am learning that the bad isn't all of me however. The bad parts have their silver linings. Silver linings like the fact that I am not emotionless, I am no robot like I was for years. I am a bieng full of emotion that sometimes overwhelms me. Sometimes however, I can tap into that and empathise with others because of it.

My beating heart is at the bottom of this mess. And I will get to it, I just have to braid these tangled threads into something new, something whole. Something  with depth and layers. With light and dark.

GA