Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, well that's great news, it's finally worked, what a great relief, so he's actually toothless, and now your missing one. LOL L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi guys, 

Thank you for your warm wishes. I really didn't do anything, it was him that decided to finally see sense.

Today is neither good nor bad. I think. My head feels weird. Like I have come off the wave off euphoria and high of the past few days and now I am just left tired. Not sad I don't think, not depressed, just tired. Like I haven't slept in a few days. Maybe its the dental work. God knows it hurts enough. Maybe it is just the crash, or  as much of a crash as my meds allow. I don't know. It is just weird.

I have things to do today, health funds to visit, phone calls to make. I think I more than anything else I am just looking forward to going for a drive as I borrowed the car to get the stuff done. Drive and just not think. Maybe I'll figure what is up with my head then.

Bridge, that puppy sounds adorable. So glad my kitten is litter trained. 

Mares, I know you can't post much, but I hope things are going ok in your world, and you are getting lots of puppy cuddles.

Geoff, yes the irony of getting a tooth pulled the day the thorn that was my ex was removed from my side is not lost on me. 

Jo, I hope you too are going ok, and that the hospital session was good for you the other day. I look forward to seeing more posts from you.

Danny, I am taking all the wins I can get. Though it doesn't feel like I orchestrated this one, more like the opponent just gave up. Which is just fine because I didn't want to be in the ring in the first place.

GA

[Bridge]

hey tired sounds way better than depressed.  Im  really glad your still in a better place today.

he only gave up because you showed him  what monsterously big boxing gloves you have.  if you hadn't showed him, he'd still be banging away at your door.

I reckon its all about you, standing up for yourself.

well done!

🙂

bridge

[--Danny--]

Well done GA,  I agree with bridge, you didn't give up 🙂

Danny 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Bridge and Danny, 

I got things done today, though I am still tired and have been getting frozen. I just mindblank in the middle of doing or getting things. It takes me ages to remember. I went out with my housemate and all was well. He had some errands to run. After one of these errands, I went from normal and happy to panic attack within seconds. 

It was a full blown panic attack, hyperventilating, crying, chest pains and all. I couldn't even calm down on the ride home. At one point I was laughing at the ridiculousness of it, crying in fear and hyperventilating, all at the same time. My anxious stutter was back, though for the record my physical shakes weren't present. I eventually managed to catch my breath, and when we got home anxiety remained, though I could breathe again. Chest pains continued a little and then I had another mini panic atrack a little while later, shorter than the first. 

I keep forgetting things, like what day it is today, what I had to do, what I have yet to do, words. My head just isn't right. Still getting the occasional chest pains, but I have taken my anti anxiety meds so hopefully they kick in. Panic attacks terrify me.  Its just so stupid because I know its irrational, my reaction, and for the second there was no trigger at all.

I don't have anxiety shakes of late, excepting my left hand tremor which was there long before the anxiety. But when anxiety does hit now, it is so much worse, like it has been building up without me noticing and bam, it just hits me. 

I hate anxiety so much.

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I thought I replied to you this morning but doesn't look like it.  

I just want to say to you that I am so happy and proud of you.  I can see that you are gaining strength day by day and it makes me so happy for you.

Take care

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Tiring day. 

I caught up with my sister and I was going ok, watching my 3 year old nephews first time on a bouncy castle. 

When I checked my phone at lunch I found misssed calls and a texts from my housemate saying a door had been left open and Elsa had run out. I just felt a part of me die inside. Not this again. She isn't microchipped yet so if I lost her, ther is no way I'd get her back. I felt my mask around my sister start to crumble but held it up til after lunch when I checked my phone again, and saw Elsa had come home. 

I felt like I should have been happy. I was glad she was home, but my mask still continued to fall and that part in me didn't come alive again. I know I didn't have a panic attack, and she is back home and I cuddled her, but it feels like it triggered something inside me. Like things are better now but still I feel sad, I feel nothing in a certain part of me, like I lost something and I don't know how to get it back.

I don't know what is wrong. I know I feel wrong. I dont feel sad per se, I just feel sort of numb. Like motivation is hard. Depressed maybe? But I just feel nothing....I don't know if this is a problem, I think it is. It doesn't feel normal. I don't know. 

Opinions?

GA

[--Danny--]

Hi GA, I'm glad your dog got home safely 🙂 I reckon when you found out the bad news, you had a major anxiety attack..they make you feel horrible all day...you should be sweet tomorrow 😃 hopefully a good night sleep does the trick..

Take it easy GA,

Danny

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Danny, 

Just to clarify, Elsa is my gorgeous kitten in my profile pic. Easy to misunderstand, I just call them by their names as opposed to the fact that they are pets.

I don't feel the numbness this morning. A little anxious maybe, but not leaden like I felt yesterday. I don't know what it was. Just brain chemistry being brain chemistry, I suppose. I want to go for a walk and ideas of going out and doing some art out by the river, but todays thunderstorm has temporarily postponed those plans. So a little agitated at being trapped inside.

Also anxious at the fact where my tooth was still hurts 4 days later, and it probably shouldn't.  Don't have the money to revisit the dentist til next week though, so I am just going to have to wait and hope it goes away. I have enough money to live for the next week, but not to pay the dentist for sure. 

So thats where I am at.

GA

[--Danny--]

Hi GA, I'm glad you had a better day today..big anxiety attacks take a fair bit of sting out of you. When I'm trapped inside I like reading.. Hopefully the tooth doesn't give you to much trouble until your next dentist appointment. Your a tough cookie GA! 

Take care 😃

Danny