Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism · ‎21-06-2014

Hi all,

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new.

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up.

Or I thought I would. I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave.

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎29-01-2015

I am finding out tomorrow for sure on the house, though it is 99% sorted. We should be moving in on the 9th. I am happier, more stable and my girlfriend is too. We still have to go through a lot but we work through it one step at a time. My partner is quitting smoking aswell. I was talking with some of her friends who knew her from her time on the street, and they said they have never seen her happier. We are both excited for the future. I can't wait to start uni, though I still don't know where I am going to get a laptop. Textbooks are sorted. Physical healthwise, it has not been so great as I have been diagnosed with severe scoliosis, a 20 degree deviation. I was also deficient in B12 and have had injections to rectify that. I am still struggling with centrelink and trying to get on the disability pension. Its either that or handing in med certs every time I am out of semester. If I work on my back, I will be able to get back to a job, but it is permanent condition. I have to enlist my social workers on that, I just can't deal with it. GA

Neil_1 · ‎29-01-2015

Hi GA

Thanx again so much for the update; and largely it is laced with good positives. The new house that you’re moving into (well, possibly not new, but it is for you); and to have a relationship that is blossoming is also a huge factor for feelings of love and contentment. Which also can flow into other aspects of one’s life. I would even hazard a guess, that if you didn’t have this wonderful relationship now, that the other bad things (eg: the struggle with centrelink, your issue with your back, etc; I think they would be even worser than what they are at present).

With regard to a lap top; keep catching public transport – I’ve heard all sorts of stories of people leaving laptops behind after they get off and forget about it. I know it’s a longshot, but, hey if you’ve got some time on your hands!!

Ps: I’m assuming also that the kitty’s will be all sweet to move into your new digs soon as well?

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎29-01-2015

Yes the kitties will be coming to live with me again, and my friend has a tomcat brother for them to meet.On top of that, my girlfriends budgie will be coming too.

Girl_Anachronism · ‎20-02-2015

Hey all. I am still alive and until last week, going well. I had memories come back to me, memories of an assault from last year. I dont know what to do with them. I almost manage to forget, and then I have flashbacks during the day and night mares as I sleep. The flashbacks are something else and I have had five panic attacks this week. Physically I am still extremely tired, and my iron is low. Investigating other options. My partner has had viral meningitis and had to go to hospital twice in the past few days. She is home and still sick but better with some meds to make it manageable. I have a car now, but still no laptop and noidea on how to get enough money to live. Accomodation is working out though, and I can even swim in the pool when I need a break or some stretching for my back. I am just struggling with what happened last year. I haven't had anxiety like this in a long time. I have told my psych and my ot, but anxiety is very hard to handle. The negative thoughts that follow the flashbacks are a struggle too. I just dont know how to deal with this. GA

Neil_1 · ‎23-02-2015

Dear GA

Thanx so much for coming back and posting again. And you know, I was wondering about not having heard from you for a while, that maybe things had taken a positive turn for you – which for all intents and purposes they had, until last week.

Is it possible to pinpoint what may have triggered these memories from last year for you? Is it coming up to be a year since or something like that??

I’m really pleased that you’ve had appointments with your psych and your ot – I was hoping that they may have been able to provide some assistance for you with some coping skills or techniques with regard to these flashbacks and also your panic attacks.

Have the panic attacks happened when you’re out and about? In that, is there a similar theme happening for each time these happen? In a similar location each time? By yourself?

That is good news that you’ve got your own wheels now – that’s a major positive there.

And with investigating other options, I’m assuming that you may have been to your GP and sought out some tests and the like to see what options for assistance there may be.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to shed too much help with my post – but it has been good to write to you again.

Cheers

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎26-02-2015

I came across some harmless paperwork that reminded me of my friend,who I lived with aftertheseparationandthattriggeredmemoriesastothefactIcouldnolonger staywithherandwhyIcan'ttalktoheraboutit

. On Sunday I did bad things,ended up with my gf calling an ambulance and having surgery in hospital. TheresultofwhichisthatnowIambackattherespitecentreforaweekorpossiblylonger.Iamalsooncrutchesduetoakneeinjury.Ihateaskingpeopleforhelp.Ihatebeinginneedofpeople.Istartuninextweek.Ihadtohaveoneofthenursesheredrivemehereandfollowmearoundtheshopscarryingmyfoodshopping.Itdoesnothingformyselfesteem. Mygirlfriendisvisitingmeontheweekend.Theflashbacksarefromanassaultthathappenedlastyear.InevertoldanyoneaboutituntilItoldmypsychtwoweeksago.Sincethenitsbeenbad.Iwasdoingsowelltoo,butIhavebeenbroughtlow.

Neil_1 · ‎27-02-2015

Hi there GA

My dear friend, I’m sorry to hear of your recent incident that led to you being in hospital, and now to be in respite care.

That must have been so traumatic for you when you received those awful flash-backs.

I really hope that the people in the respite care area are being able to provide you with the care and support that you need right now; and hopeful coping mechanisms for how to deal with this in the coming days and weeks.

Am thinking of you.

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎28-02-2015

Apologies for my last post, something went wrong with it clearly. Yes I did bad things. Yes I am now in respite and on crutches which are the most annoying things on Earth. I am thinking of pimping my crutches out somehow, with electrical tape or ribbons. My gf and I have a good talk about it and she is taking this weekend in hospital as part of her crisis plan in order to get back her sleep cycle and get some support of her own. I am happier knowing she has support, as I know what it can do to a relationship if you don't. Anxiety has been a problem for me, but the staff have been good and willing to talk. I don't really have a coping mechanism yet but I see my psych on tuesday so hopefully we can work some sortof plan out. In the mean time I am here and much less stressed about life in general, though uni starting next week is a trigger. I much prefer this to hospital, which is what this place is for. I am ok and holding mostly steady at the moment, even if I am wobbly on my legs. GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎06-03-2015

I have gone to a lecture this week, but only one. I am still alive. I am going home from the respite centre on Sunday. I haven't got I to the groove for uni yet but hopefully I will next week. I don't know what I would do if I failed uni again. I have spent a day and a half in bed just reading books. I have also spent too much money this week and will need the loan from centrelink to repay some debt instead of going towards a laptop. Is anyone still out there? GA

Neil_1 · ‎08-03-2015

Hi GA

I'm still here - (pats himself down), yes, it's still me. So that's a good sign.

Another good sign is that you're now heading home and out of hospital - that's ONE thing.

Take the Uni thing a bit more thoughtfully once you're home. Get one thing done at a time.

Is your gf out of her crisis support sleep plan? Did that work for her?

How are your legs and your steadiness going now?

Sorry been a bit delayed, as I've been away from the Forums myself for a while.

Cheers

Neil