Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[--Danny--]

Hey GA, hopefully you're doing well today..early winter mornings are hard...please stay strong!!

Danny

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Danny, 

My mood was still pretty low, hard to get motivation to get changed. The last few days have been hell. I managed to get  out of bed at eleven, showered and mademyself eat a little salad for lunch. I didn't really feel hungry but I thought it might help steady me for my psych appointment. It hasn't but it at least I can't be anxious about passing out for lack of food now. 

Anxiety shakes are bad, have been since I left the shower but thats because I am leaving the house. Agoraphobia is terrible. I guess I have hit the switch from depressed to anxious, but at least as anxious I can leave the house right?

I probably shouldn't type this, but I also self harmed again today. I know I shouldn't have and I've been trying not to. But I gave in. I'm sorry. I feel like I let you guys down. 

I will tell my psych today. She knows. My gp knows. 

I have to go to my psych now, but I'll be back on later.

GA

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Jo3]

Dear GA

I feel for you so so much and I understand that you are in such a terrible place at the moment. No need to apologise for self harming, I really understand. I really hope you get some support from your psych today when you go to the appt.

Pls keep us updated on how your session went today.

Take care GA, looking forward to chatting again soon

Jo xx

[--Danny--]

Hey GA, how u doing tonight? Feeling any better?

Danny

[Girl_Anachronism]

So my psych session went well. Still CBT, but a different approach more targeted towards anxiety than depression. I had that little bit of peace in me on the way home, despite the fact I was shaking still from anxiety. I even managed to smile at a man I passed on the street, walking home. 

Then I got home, Elsa ran into my arms and that was cute and made me feel missed.

Then I checked my email. A response from the ex. That peace is lost again, beneath the roiling mass of fear and pain and anger and hurt. 

I forwarded it, haven't replied as I am waiting for money to come through and meeting my solicitor tomorrow. And I am not I  tears no, so some progress. 

But.

It still hurts. It still hit me for a doozy and damn it, I was in a good place somewhat until then. A better place relatively. And I know with more sessions it will be better, and it won't affect me this way. But damn it. 

Rollercoasters and all that. 

I can't wait til I am done with him. I just want to pay him off and be done with it, at least for the stuff I owe. Let him chase me for things I don't owe. Let him incur lawyer bills. 

I mean he hasa job, a place of his own, he may be hurting but he isn't in therapy. He hasn't been in therapy and hospitals for the past 7 months. Just how can he be so heartless? Where did the gentleman I married go? Was that a lie? Was I seeing something that wasn't there? Or did he change? 

Have I changed? Is it for the good or worse?

Ugh. Just ugh.

I needed to rant. I won't apologise. I needed to rant, and that is what I subject you too. I feel like I should apologise for that too. But I won't. No one ever needs to apologise on here for ranting. I tell enough people that. Time to take my own medicine.

GA

[--Danny--]

Hi GA, self harming? Cmon mate, please don't do that to yourself!! It's very upsetting to hear you're doing this to yourself:(...surely there's a way u can deal with things other than self harm...it wont do u any good long term...lets think of ways too avoid you doing this again...u will get there mate! 

Danny

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Danny, 

I am trying not to. I am trying with every fiber of my bieng not to do it. It's not an easy demon to fight. Most nights I win. Some nights I lose. 

Jo, 

Thankyou for being here, on my thread. We both aren't in great places right now. We both just need to get through to Thursday. We both know what a struggle it is just to be, just to wake up.

Stay strong and take care, 

GA

[Apathia]

Hey Girl,

Please rant all you want on here. For two good reasons 1. you relieve the tension that can build up in you and 2. others who feel the same can relate or feel safe to open up too. Also you have every reason to be angry at your ex. It sounds like he's either hurting like hell and this is his way of lashing out or he's a complete jerk!

I think it's super cool you were able to make eye contact with a stranger. Especially when your anxiety levels are so high. I know i can only do that when I feel ok.

As for the self harming... don't feel like you have to apologise for it/ hide it from us. We are all on your side and only want to support you!

As always, I think you're a wonderful person, you're poetic writing style and beautiful personality shine through. Even if you can't see it - I can.

Please keep on plugging away through this toxic minefield and you will get to the end of it. "This too shall pass"

Positive vibes and best wishes coming atcha,

A x

[Girl_Anachronism]

So I woke up sad and teary. I eventually got out of bed to get ready for the solicitor appointment. As I was getting out of bed, I started having a partial seizure. I could feel a full one coming on. It took me three times as long to get ready, get the paperwork and my housemate was good enough to give me a lift there and back so I didn't have to brave public transport and risk having seizure there.

The meeting went well, photocopies were made, letter was drafted for the senior solicitor to approve before sending.

I could feel it coming on the moment I hit the steps out side of her office. It took me ages to get down the steps and into the car, each step had to be deliberate in order to stop the shakes. As soon as I got home to bed, it hit in earnest. I have been sleeping it off since then. 

Still I made it to the meeting. I got things done. I should still do the dishes  but I think my housemate won't mind. I am sitting here pain in every joint and a worse, sadder pain in my heart for what all that hope, all that love, all that potential has turned into. 

As I said to my solicitor, I don't care for what money I could get out of him. I would be happy if he would just leave me alone and let me move on. But if he is going to come after me for things I don't owe, he will discover this cat has claws. He isn't getting out of this unscathed.

It hurts me to think part of me wants to hurt him. I like to think of myself above all that. I like to think of myself as many things. Many things I'm not. 

Who am I? At the end of this,  who am I?

GA

[Neil_1]

You ARE one hell of a stong-willed, clever, intelligent and caring lady and someone who will not be trodden on.  Some one who is strong enough to stand up for herself when she's been thrown all of life's crap and to have the courage to say, "Enough's enough - I'm not standing for this anymore".   "If you wanna play nasty towards me, then put your helmet on mister, coz I ain't going down without a fight".

GA, as you've said over and over, you didn't want it to come to this and you'd walk along in your future quite "ok" if he'd have simply left you alone.  But he's not doing that and so, you are doing exactly the right thing.  ANOTHER right thing by the way.

So way to go lovely lady;  WAY TO GO.

Neil