Give me some hope and guidance

[molly-ro]

Hi all, I’m a 24yr old female who’s suffered with general anxiety and social anxiety basically my whole life but a few times this has flared into full blown depression.
I’m currently in the biggest depression of my life which has likely come as a change to my anti anxiety/antidepressant medication about 2 months ago that was clearly the wrong medication for me (side note: anyone ever been prescribed medication and had the most crippling suicidal depression come?). My doctor thinks we have fixed the medication issue and now I just need to gradually move from one drug to another and I will be seeing a psychologist as well soon.
But in the mean time, the depression anxiety is off the charts. Every waking moment I’m either crying or actively using energy to stop myself drink crying and every possible thought about my life is met with the realisation I’m inadequate. I think about things that I always think and feel but a usually about to cope with and push through but now I can’t seem to get away from. 

Everything bad pops into my head: no one likes me, I’m overweight and unattractive, I’m not fun, I won’t ever find someone to love me, I’m a failure, a loser, I’ll never find my passion in life, everyone feels sorry for me, I’m a burden to those helping me through this, life is worthless and meaningless, everything is too hard and overwhelming. You name it, I’ve thought of it. The biggest fear that seems to loop into everything is that because of all these problems and ways I fall short in life that I will never find a partner and someone to love me and have a life with.It seems to be worse in the mornings as I wake up extremely early with anxiety racing through my veins like electricity and my heart is racing and the bad thoughts start. It overwhelms me and then I cry and the cycle lasts all day. I’ve been told to try activities and hobbies to distract myself and do things I enjoy, but everything I usually enjoy just makes me sad and other new calming stuff like meditating only minimises the pain for moments. It’s exhausting and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s come out of this. Someone who felt all these things who found meaning and love and happiness and a partner in life. Or maybe even learnt to overcome anxiety and depression completely. Or someone whose medication changed them for a while but now you’re back on track. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Apart from all that I survived mainly due to one factor- at 26yo I changed my negative thinking to positive thinking. Please read the first post here-  https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

So motivation lectures are great. 

Meeting a partner- There is no doubt in my mind (when you are ready), online dating can work. The process eliminates those not compatible and narrows down your possibilities.  My daughter found her husband that way. Also there is no doubt about it, people like jovial people and happy people are so interesting they dont focus on weight and body blemishes. So my recommendations-

• Seek treatment and get your meds right
• Do activities that you enjoy
• Appreciate yourself and life
• If you say you're a loser then you are. Stop the negative talk.
• Crying is ok, drinking alcohol wont change anything

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X30sWycWz4o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3aFh7OJMNA

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/switching-mindsets/m-p/274534/highlight/true

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808 

You can change. You can succeed, you can love life and be loved. It will take time and determination.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi molly-ro

My heart goes out to you as you face one of the most intensely challenging times of your life. As you work so hard to manage finding what's going to make a difference to you, this defines you as a hard worker, a manager and a seeker.

Some things that have worked for me over the years have involved...

Mentally, the inner dialogue can be hell. Naming the inner dialogue can be helpful. Some will name it their 'inner demons', some their 'inner critic' and some will actually give it a name, such as 'Fred'. Naming it makes you the observer of it, interacting with it from the point of observation. Sounds a bit strange but can go something like 'I know what you're trying to do to me. Now, stop it!'. Whatever you choose to name it, it's an attention seeker. It will prod and prod 'til it gets your full attention.

Physically, our biology and chemistry can definitely have 'hell on earth' qualities to them. So many chemical reactions going on inside us. Adding the wrong kind of chemistry, such as with the chemistry found in a certain med, and we can definitely feel it. Can be deeply depressing. Chemical energy is something we can feel. How to tweak the 'energy in motion' (e-motion)? Natural energy resources or engineered ones (meds) or a bit of both? Whether we define our self as a sad scientist or a mad scientist (madly experimenting with finding what works), looking for what works can be such a tough seriously drawn out process.

Pays to know who you naturally are. If you're a natural feeler you're going to feel pretty much everything in life. From feeling the impact of your internal dialogue through to feeling chemical side effects through to feeling the depressing or anxiety inducting nature of certain people and situations, you'll feel it all. So, it's an ability that can seem more like a curse at times. Whether constructively switching it off (practicing emotional detachment) or ramping it up (so as to get a better feel for things) is the call, learning how feeling/feelings work is a must. Btw, while touching on the natural side of things, if you have so called 'inner demons', you've also 'inner angels'. In a state of anxiety, if you've ever heard 'Breathe, you need to calm down and simply breathe', it's guidance.

[molly-ro]

Hi TonyWK, 

thank you for those kind words and for pointing me in the direction of some other helpful posts and information. You're definitely right that I need to shift my perspective of the way I think and feel about myself in order to motivate and manifest the kind of life I want to live. Right now, this seems impossible but you've motivated me to at least start trying and hopefully soon it will become a healthy habit that helps with my anxiety and depression. The "switch effect" is quite hard I must say, but I'm going to keep giving it a red hot go.

Thank you for your support,

Molly

[molly-ro]

Hi therising,

thank you for your support and reply with what has worked for you. Naming this inner dialogue is a really interesting idea I want to give a go and I think that even might help with some of the feelings I have about how disjointed I am inside - I'm not disjointed if that voice is not the true me. As for the physical, you're right on the money there and hopefully my doctors and I can find the right chemistry of the meds and balance. I'm naturally a huuuge feeler which is a gift and a curse, hopefully your tips can help with this too.

Thank you for your support,

Molly

[therising]

Hi Molly

With the different strategies, it's so important to remember you're one of a kind, you're unique. So what works for some may not work for you and what works for you can be some incredibly unique things. So next time someone says something like '...but this works for everyone else', a sassy response may be 'But I'm not everyone else, I'm me. Find what works for me'.

I find one of the biggest challenges when it comes to being a feeler is being able to feel other people's comments. 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' is a biggy, one you can definitely feel. You can feel the words, you can feel the judgemental look or the degrading smile on a person's face when they say it. You can even feel their tone of voice. You can feel it all as an insult. While that comment used to trigger me to feel myself sink further down, these days it triggers me differently, 'Hell yeah, I'm sensitive. If I wasn't so sensitive I wouldn't be able to sense/feel that as a completely thoughtless comment. I can't help but wonder why you can't feel that'. BAMM! Took me forever to finally work out insensitive people can't sense anywhere near as well as sensitive people.

I believe our goal should not be to lose our sensitivity, it should be to master it. With mastery, a whole new world begins to open up, with the ability to do so much. For a start, getting a feel for insensitivity gives you the ability to manage it. The cue that tells you you're facing insensitivity is the feeling you get. Whether feeling a sudden heartfelt drop down or a sudden rise to anger, the cue has quite a feel to it. Whether you express with surprise what you feel, out loud, as 'Oh my god, I can actually feel you being insensitive!' or 'Oh my goodness, I can actually feel you not listening to me! I can feel you ignoring me', entirely up to you. Announcing your feeling/s out loud does tend to trigger people. Always amuses me how the folk who tell us to 'toughen up' really don't like to feel our honest responses. The reason sensitive people are so careful with their words? They know exactly how deeply impacting words can be.

[white knight]

Hi Molly

The rising is on the ball with her replies, a great helper here.

The rising said "I believe our goal should not be to lose our sensitivity, it should be to master it. With mastery, a whole new world begins to open up, with the ability to do so much. For a start, getting a feel for insensitivity gives you the ability to manage it. "

Up to 20% of all people can have HSP- highly sensitive person syndrome. Think about this- "if you were to eliminate all sensitivity what kind of person will you be? Certainly less desirable yes?

Me being so sensitive allows me to "feel" the world, connect to all living things in a kind of spiritual way which is deeply personal for me of which I try hard to share often without much success.  mEmbrace it and try to guide/steer/control it to pull it out of your pocket when you see an eagle soar or a turtle flip back up on its right side.

SOCIETY OF SAND

I’m sitting in a desert

Upon sand of friend and foe

Can’t find a piece of turf

Where I cannot stand on toes

I collect a handful of grain

Then watch as it escapes

Just like some friendships

A barren temporary landscape

I create my own oasis

By weeping on a weed

But the sand around me laughs

Cause it doesn’t have a need

Till lately it be the friends

That helped me walk the land

They holding me up under my feet

-supportive grains of sand

I begin to sink so slowly

As they gather my precious hide

The quick sand laughing so loud

A kind man says goodbye

And as I become one of ‘them’

My heart now granuled and dry

I try to weep to water the weed

But sand has no means to cry

Damn it! I struggle so

Be damned if I be like them

I crawl out of the society of sand

To remain the man I am…

(Written when sensitive)

TonyWK