Girl pushing me away

[user981]

I was having a long distance relationship and 3 months
in she started being different and ended up blocking
me out of the blue for no reason. She told me later that
she has had depression for several months and she got
scared I might play her like all the other guys do. Since
then she has just been different. There are times where
she would push me away and not want to talk and tells
me "don't talk to me" as if she is being a little aggressive/
upset. Sometimes she lies about things and the last
month she has been lying about having a boyfriend.

Recently she seemed more comfortable talking to me
and opening up a little more so I decided to question her
about this boyfriend she mentions occasionally. I knew it
might not go well to tell her that the person doesn't exist.
I don't know if she actually believes her own lie or not
but she wouldn't admit anything instead she was saying
goodnight trying to leave the conversation.

Since that conversation she has been very different and
has not wanted to talk to me and has been telling me
that she needs some space and that she doesn't need
anymore pressure on her. She used to be so close to me
and seemed really happy to talk to me.

She tells me now that she is not comfortable talking to
me and to leave her alone. Is there something I can say
to her to make her feel comfortable again? I guess for
questioning her lies she pushes me away... I just want to
be able to talk to her again.

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi User981,

It's great to see you reaching out here in the forum for some support. It frustrating when you are wanting to be with someone and they are giving you mixed signals. It can be really confusing and frustrating. Take care of yourself during this hard time.

In my experience, I know that when I say I need space, I usually do. It might be an idea to give your friend some space to figure things out and take some steps towards focusing on you. This may seen contradictory as you want to 'give' her support, but the best thing to say might be, "I hear that you need some space, please reach out to me when you are ready." This may indicate to her that you have listened to her and that you respect her wishes. But this is just a suggestion.

I wonder if you have any hobbies you have been neglecting that you can get stuck into or can you contact some friends and try to distract yourself from wanting to contact your friend?

Taking steps towards your own health and healing is important as when someone tells us they don't want to talk to us as it can be very painful. You are not alone. The forum is is great place to reach out and if it helps, keep posting here.

Sending you strength,

Nurse Jenn

[S_D]

Hey user981,

I'm sorry to hear about how this is making you feel, you might want to look into 'Attachment Styles' by J Bowlby. What i've come to understand is that some people, due to their upbringing, have developed attachment styles e.g. insecure or avoidant that can have the following effect on their relationships later in life: once they feel they are getting 'close' to someone, they pull away (out of fear, perhaps of rejection, or many other things). It feels safer for them to be the first one to create distance and pull away from a relationship that they are becoming invested in, so they are not the ones to be 'abandoned' as they are the ones doing the pulling back. They may have felt rejected by one of their parents, for example, this now plays out in their adult relationships however it feels powerful to be the one doing the rejecting rather than risk being left again. Does that make sense? I might be totally wrong here, however understanding attachment theory has helped me to better understand those around me. They even have online tests you can take to figure out what kind of attachment style one may have developed.

[user981]

So I've tried talking to her again and she says she is scared and nervous when talking to me incase I start questioning her. I think I made her feel really uncomfortable when I confronted her that day about her lie of her boyfriend and maybe she is scared or embarrassed?

Is there anything I can say to try make her feel more comfortable? I've tried talking to her but I'm not sure what I could say that's right.

[geoff]

Hello User981, it's not necessarily that she doesn't want to talk with you and if I can improvise here and suggest possible reasons why this maybe occurring even though I'm not qualified:

-when someone is suffering from any type of MI the one thing they dislike is to be asked question after question, even from a good friend, simply because they have no answer and even if they reply back to you, it may only be dismissed as not being serious

-one reason why couples sleep in separate beds is once again the same reason, not be asked question after question

-whereas if they sleep by themselves there is only peace and quiet

If she is comfortable with you being with her, that's all you need, but nothing is to be said, no questions, she will accept your trust and talk when she wants to, let her have the floor because once you start asking question after question, she will close up.

I know you want to help her.

Best wishes.

Geoff.