When life doesn’t really get better...

[Imagine]

Hi folks,

Well, I’ve been MIA a while now. After my world fell completely apart, and every therapy offered to me through the system failed, I gave up seeking answers and threw myself into trying to build a new life.

I’ve bought myself a house, learned skills I never thought I could learn, reached out socially, created a fb group for a personal interest that’s grown to hundreds of members and benefits charities and have continued to work all the while.

But my chronic illness has remained unchanged, I am still in constant pain and exhausted, medically unfit to drive, stuck in a low paid job because I’m not physically capable of more challenging work, and I’m not one tiny bit closer to the dreams I lost. My house does not feel like a home even after 3 years and lots of work trying to make it my own, because I live alone with my pets.

I feel like the life I have now is wrong for me, it’s not a bad life, I don’t mean to complain that I don’t have “enough”, I’m not ungrateful. But it feels like it doesn’t fit me and it chafes and makes me hurt deeply all of the time. Yes there are moments of pleasure in little things, but that’s just a band aid and offers no healing. I hide the depression because I’m either not wanting to burden the people I love any more than they have suffered already, or I’ve been told I should be over it by now (by people who have everything I’ve ever wished for).

My question is, what do I do now? I’ve run out of things I can think of to try. My younger self’s dreams were to have a career and travel the world with the love of my life. I can’t think of any new dreams that even come close to those shattered ones. The career is impossible, travel financially out of reach even without COVID and well, love, love isn’t for me. I also lost the home that I had put my heart and soul into when my health failed before my marriage failed too.

Would welcome advice please and thank you. There must be a way to learn to live with this quiet desperation, even if I cannot escape it.

Thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hi Imagine,
 
We are so sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling so low, and have been hiding these feelings from those you love. It must be really tough and to be keeping these feelings bottled up inside, but we are so glad that you have reached out this evening to our wonderful community. We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone.
 
Can we ask, do you currently have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope with these feelings on your own, and think it might really help to talk it out. Please know that you are always welcome to get in touch with our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can talk through these feelings and experiences with you and can offer support, advice and referrals if this is something that you may find beneficial.
 
In addition to this, our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are there for you, day or night, if ever things become too much to cope with.
 
Please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel ready.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Imagine (a Beatles fan?)

I'm glad you are with us after all you have been through - you must have great inner strength and I thank you for taking the time to express yourself with such detailed reflection.

Pain is always the pesky reminder that our youthful world is not fit for our present reality - feeling like I have been hit by a MAC truck every morning is an unwelcome reminder of the passage of time!

But I like the way you have picked yourself up, dealt with things you felt didn't work, and created a new (albeit imperfect, in your opinion) life. Bravo!

Regarding how your life doesn't seem to be right for you, are you perhaps trying to recreate your past or the things you thought important? That was the 'former you' and, as much as I would like to believe I'd look cool in a pair of 'skinny jeans', the sad reality is... anyway, you just can't go back there. At best, you will likely create a pastiche.

If you are a Beatles fan, you may recall the line:

"There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be".

Where you take it forward from here is testament to all the wisdom you have acquired from several unpleasant circumstances. Use this, that you have certainly earned, to find your as yet undiscovered path.

Regards,

t.

[White_Rose]

Hello Imagine

Nice to meet you. Thank you for returning and telling us your story. It sounds as though you have well and truly been through the mill. In spite of your setbacks you have worked hard to regain your life and I congratulate you on this achievement. It's not exactly what you wanted but a much better place than you were in three years ago.

Please excuse me for not knowing your history. I wonder if you can tell us what chronic illness you have and how it affects your life. This is not merely curiosity but an interest in your well being and to give ideas about how to help. Maybe you can find a job that is not physically demanding and would pay a higher wage.

I see you have been instrumental in raising large amounts of money for charity. That's quite a sophisticated role to manage and makes me wonder if you could use this skill to get a different job. Project management of any sort is a skill that employers appreciate. Have you considered this field?

I have lived alone for 20 years since I separated from my spouse. At times it has been very lonely, especially these days with COVID restrictions. I need to be careful about isolation as I have a medical condition that will make me vulnerable if I become infected with the corona virus. I can appreciate how it must feel for you. You have done so much to improve your life. I am impressed by the work you have done.

I do agree with Tranzcrybe that you may be trying to recreate your former life and dreams in a new environment that calls for a different set of dreams to take you into a new life. I find looking back is OK to see how far I have come but not useful to try and recreate. If you choose to live in a new pond who knows how far the ripples will go.

In the meantime please continue to post here if it is helpful.

Mary

[Imagine]

Hi Sophie,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I could go back to my GP to request further counselling but I don’t think it would help as I was told by the last psych I saw last time that they couldn’t help me. I know I am stuck, I know I need to adjust to my current life but I don’t know how,

I’m grateful for the opportunity to chat with others who might be walking a similar path though I wish none of us had to do so.

[Imagine]

Hi tranzcrybe

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. I’m a fan of most music, the possibility of any future was something that existed only in my imagination when I first posted so I chose Imagine as I wasn’t brave enough then to choose anything like hope.

You are absolutely right. I do want to hold on to or recreate those old dreams and old life exactly like we hold on to clothes that no longer fit or suit us. I grieve their loss deeply. I feel I could surrender them a little more easily if I could simply go shopping and choose some shiny, new ones. But life sadly doesn’t seem to work like that. I’ve tried so hard and found nothing in the hopes and dreams department that seems to be obtainable for me. I’ve tried looking at hobbies and interests I’ve held since childhood. I’ve done a lot to actively align my life with my values. I’ve tried to lower my expectations and to look further afield but I’m still at a loss after 7 years all up.

I’m trying to hold space for new ideas and things to arrive, and actively work towards them where I have the ability to make changes, keeping the faith that I’ll ever find peace and happiness again is by far the hardest part.

But your reference to that Beatles lyric and the undiscovered path are words I’ve thought about all day. I hope I can find the next step soon.

Thanks for your kindness, encouragement and insight. Take care.

[Imagine]

Hello White Rose,

Thank you so much for giving your time and insight. It means a lot.

I am definitely in a better place than I was. I remember wondering if I could manage a house and garden on my own, challenges like that, I’ve coped with. In some ways, they are the easier ones because I know I can usually beat them if I am stubborn enough. It’s the challenge of finding a life that feels like it fits that’s got me, I can’t “stubborn” my way through that.

I have multiple autoimmune diseases and a form of epilepsy so I cannot drive due to seizures. I’m in pain all the time and fatigue is a big issue so I work only 3 days a week which is still taxing. I take a lot of meds including immunosuppressives so like you, I’ve needed to be cautious through COVID.

I’d love a better job (and I use those project management skills,) but I think the job I have is probably the best I can realistically hope for. I’ve been with the company for over 20 years, they value my knowledge and experience and so are tolerant of my health limitations and seizures. There’s just no possibility of advancement from my fairly junior position. I was promoted and served 7 years in a role I enjoyed but needed to reduce my hours and go to a less exhausting workload. I’m almost 50 too.

I’m afraid the charity work is far more humble than that. I don’t raise any money. I just love craft so I’ve created a network to help share patterns and skills to make things like beanies for preemies and clothing for homeless people.

I do admire your strength, you said you have lived alone for 20 years. That is a long time. I hope that COVID isolation isn’t taking too great a toll on you. I have noticed that little daily interactions take on more importance when you live alone.

You and tranzcrybe are correct. There is a sense of wanting to recreate the life and dreams I had. They made me, if not happy, happy enough that the daily health battles felt worth the fight. Perhaps that’s what I’m really searching for.... more so than even my lost old life... something new to make a life with disability worth all the challenges. I always saw my glass as half full before, now I feel like I’m constantly trying to fill a cracked glass.

I can see I have come a long way, I just wish I knew how much further that new pond is. I’m so tired of pushing onwards in the dark looking for it.

Many thanks for your thoughts and advice, and for helping me. Take care

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Imagine,

Thank you for your gracious comments (and White Rose for her support).

Somehow, Imagine, I feel you are much much more than your ailments, but you may be driving yourself harder because of them. What you see in yourself as inability or shortcoming, I truly believe others do not. Yes, you have had to make several adjustments to your preferences in life, and pain is a burden only you can evaluate (and do seek more relief, please).

Is it anyone's prerogative to find peace or happiness or could it be beyond one's striving or manipulation? - Indeed, do such qualities come from outside (external influences or perceived attributes of acquisition/achievement) or from within?

Your path is neither behind you, nor in front - it is, and always has been, right under your feet.

I have Faith in you, Imagine.

Regards,

t.

[Pete66]

Hi, yes it is hard when you body is not working right

professional assistance does not seem to have answers for people like us

I wish I had answers for you, I'd like to hear them too

Take care, Pete

[Imagine]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful response.

Yes, I do tend to drive myself hard, and there is truth in your comment that I push harder because of my conditions. Both to compensate for shortcomings and also out of a need to feel like my life is as normal as possible. Perhaps others in my life would agree with you. It’s certainly something to consider. (And thank you for suggesting I seek more relief, I discussed this with my specialist again just this week, unfortunately there’s nothing more we can try right now but I do have his full support and understanding).

You raise a very interesting point about peace and happiness. I suddenly realised as I read your comment that the people I know who are blessed with both did not actively plan, seek, strive or work for them. I don’t know if it’s just part of life’s lottery or whether there’s any hope for me to stumble upon them yet. Perhaps as you say, they may come from within, and that is another journey altogether.

I wish I could see where that path might go. But that is not for any of us to know.

Thank you for your faith in me and for walking alongside me for this step.

Take care