First step - but scared

[kell7307]

Hi,

this is my first post on here, it has taken me awhile to build up the strength to do it. A little about myself, I'm 24 f & I have a wonderful supportive partner of 6 years.

I have suffered from depression for as long as I have known (I have not been to the dr to be diagnosed though but this is what this post is about), I also recently found out that both my Mum & Grandma had been diagnosed with depression. However over the last probably 6 months I feel that I am getting worse and worse.

Things range from its feels like someone is flicking a switch & I just turn from being happy to being instantly annoyed about something most of the time its very minor & this feeling can last for days, I get excessively tired even after having a solid 8-10 hour sleep.

Even something as simple as my partner not being home from work by the time I get home which is through no fault of his own (delayed public transport) which he is excellent at telling me about at the time it is running late, but I don't know why, I just hold it against him for days & its like I switch off, I have no emotion, I don't want him to touch me, talk to me, I don't want to watch any tv, hardly eat, & try to push him away in the hopes that he will give up on me & bring up every little minor thing that he may have done that week in the hopes of keeping the argument going.

I want to go to the Dr desperately, because as much as I don't show my partner any emotion during these episodes, it breaks my heart when he says that when he met me my good days were probably 80/100 but now he has recognised that they are at about 50/100 (I hope this makes sense) & he breaks down in tears saying that he just wants me to get help.

Another thing to mention is that in the past 18 months I have lost about 70kg, which I thought me being overweight was aiding my depression in regards to not feeling good about myself, but since loosing the weight my moods & feeling helpless/alone/down/suicidal/no strength to go on, seems to have only gotten worse. I am scared to go to the Dr for the following reasons:

- I don't want them to put me into a clinic & don't want to have to disclose any of the information in regards to my mental health to my work
- I don't want the medication that they put me on to make me worse
- I also do not want to put on any weight due to the medication 

If anyone else had the same concerns as me before going to the DR I would love to hear.

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[littleone13]

Hi Kell

I'm only new here myself, but your post struck a chord with me, and so I wanted to share my similar experience, to see if it helps you. I have only suffered depression and anxiety issues for the last 6+ months, and have just worked up the courage to see a GP as I've been going on a rather steep downhill slide for a while.

Have you had a look at the BB list of recommended GPs? That is where I started my search, as I don't have a regular GP either. Unfortunately, due to circumstances (eg not open at times when I could get in/one was away due to a death in the family etc) I didn't end up seeing a GP on the list, but it's definitely a good resource to look at if you are unsure of options around you. I actually ended up seeing a GP that is part of a University complex (it's open to the public, not just students) as they were recommended to me to have good experience in mental health (which makes sense, being affiliated with a Uni). I was actually about ready to walk in to a bulk-billing practice when the Uni GP was suggested to me.

I too am hesitant with medication. I was afraid of seeing a GP and them just "handing me a bottle of meds and sending me on my way". I am willing to consider them, but just didn't want them to be my only option. Luckily, my GP was very good, and has options for me – one option is medication, but it’s not necessarily her first or only option, and she wanted to take some other steps first.

I similarly was very hesitant in letting my work know. However, my partner convinced me and I am glad he did. I'd had a very rough week and needed to take the next day off to see a GP, though I was feeling guilty about the number of sick days I’d had recently. I ended up actually messaging my manager late that night (he works odd hours) explaining that I was struggling with some mental health issues, and that I wanted a day to see a GP, and that I wanted to try to get help before it started badly affecting my work. He was understanding (I wasn't sure how he'd take it), and just told me to let him know if I needed anything and to take it easy. He doesn’t know anything more than that I’m struggling with some mental health issues – he just needed to be made aware so that he didn’t start questioning my time away from work, or days when I was struggling, and so I didn’t feel guilty. It's worth mentioning it, just so you can take the guilt away.

This forum has great support - you're not alone. I hope I may have helped.

Littleone.