Feeling super grim

[Lov3]

Hi everyone,

I’m a bit nervous posting but keeping things in is what has got me here. (Sorry this is going to be a bit of a long one)

It started a good decade ago when I left school and unfortunately messed things up for myself due to drug use. I had a perfect life and lost so much in a short period of time and found after that I have always been scared of things falling apart. This has given me anxiety and made me live in a bit of a box. I spent my time working hard and piecing a stable life together. Over the years the anxiety grew, I lost my dad unexpectedly; but I continued pushing through.

Last year was my 10th year in my job and I had set myself up, built a house etc and felt I was in such a great place, yet I felt so sad still always. I decided to stop being stubborn and see a dr. I started an anti depressant which helped so much. I decided to treat myself and go overseas, on my own, and I did it! I was so proud of myself and had the best time. When I returned, things at work got really bad for me and my family were in a bad place and I just felt very overwhelmed (my dr also changed my medication because of night sweats and I don’t feel it is working the same) I keep everything in, I knew I would pop.

I went to a family wedding, I didn’t want to drink and was not going to drink but I drank 😞 I don’t know what happened but I ‘popped’ no one will tell me what happened except that it was bad. My boyfriend barely looks or speaks to me. I feel sick and so sad and so embarrassed and so disappointed in myself. I’m 32 and I’m a mess! I feel like I can’t face anyone ever again. How could I let this happen when I put all my energy into keeping it together! My number one priority is everyone around me being happy and have I said horrible things to them? Awww what have I done...I don’t even want to know now.

[Lov3]

Hi Dools, sorry for the delay in response. Thank you and thanks for the helpful info.

You are right, writing is very helpful in getting things out of your head and sometimes it helps in making sense of things.

[Doolhof]

Hi LOv3,

There is no need to apologise, people come and go here as they like and as they need to.

Hope you are going okay. If you don't mind me asking, how are things between you and your boyfriend at the moment?

Writing stuff down does help. It saves me talking to myself out loud too! Ha. Ha. My husband is getting used to me talking to myself at times.

All the best to you, from Dools

[Lov3]

hahaha 🙂

He is slowly coming around which i appreciate so much, makes things that little bit better. He still doesn’t want to talk about it though which isn’t really good. It does also feel a little bit like he’s doing it because he loves me and knows I’m struggling but I think its really bothering him still.

Hope your going well,

thanks Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi LOv3 and All reading,

It is wonderful your boyfriend is still with you. I've been on some medication combinations that have sort of wiped me out until the Dr helps me get the balance right, there were times I had no real idea as to what I was doing. It can be a little concerning and interesting to think what you might have been up to when out of it!

Do you have plans for the weekend?

We have the in laws here for lunch Sunday for my Father in laws Birthday, so guess I will do a bit of housework today! Ha. Ha. Also need to do some homework and go for a walk. Nothing too exciting!

We've had plenty of rain for the first time in 6 months so that is excellent for the garden! All the dirt and dust has been washed off everything, all the leaves are squeaky clean now, even on the geraniums that seem to collect dirt very well!

All the best to you, from Dools

[stormcloudz]

Hi Lov3, just saying hello, hope you are doing OK at the moment?

[Lov3]

Dools and Stormcloudz’s, I am so happy to see your posts today! Thank you so much for thinking of me, it honestly means the world!

I really haven’t been doing very good. I have been doing my usual focus on something else but it is right there under the surface. I have really shut down and am on auto pilot I feel. My uncle text me today and we haven’t spoken for years and he was at the wedding where I got drunk. He was just checking up on me also which is very sweet but then made me think again ‘what did I do?!!’ Especially if its made him want to keep an eye on me. I have gone over it all too much and I really couldnt bare to hear what happened now.

Ive been good not drinking and feel really confident I can stick to it, this has really really bothered me and I DO NOT want to risk it happening again. I won’t miss feeling yuk after either. Truth is though I will just avoid drinking situations to deal with it, not that I have many.

My boyfriend really hasn’t changed. Hes kind but still feels distant. He also just booked next month of to go to Vietnam and meet a mate which really isn’t great right now.

I’m not up to much this weekend Dools, I spent last weekend with Mum for early mother’s day which was really nice. I don’t think she has heard anything of what happend at the wedding so that is a massive relief. I am working this weekend and will get some cleaning done too, no in laws though for me haha. I hope the weather is nice and I can take my dogs for a walk. I think I will also visit my nieces, they are 2 and twins and make everything disapear when they smile at you 🙂

I can’t do too much at the moment, Im having trouble at work too so I am saving hard to pay my car off so that I will be more comfortable to change jobs.

thanks again guys, sending love and light your way 🙂 ***

[stormcloudz]

Hi Lov3,

I just wanted to send you a message of support, knowing that you are going through a hard time, and have a lot on your mind.

If you would like to talk about it, we're here. If not, I'm going to distract you some more - what sort of music do you like? : )

(PS we still don't care what you did at that wedding, and you don't need to worry about being judged here. It's really not as important as your health and safety.)

[Doolhof]

Hi Lov3

How wonderful that your Uncle phoned you. Don't relate it to the wedding, just think how nice it is that he called. Hope you get to see your nieces.

It is so very easy for our minds to slip tot he negative and ignore all of the good and positives. While you are out walking the dogs, have a look around and really see where you are walking. If there are gardens there, see what people are growing. Can you see any roses, different coloured leaves etc.

My Psychiatrist is trying to get me to focus on the good stuff, or to just focus in general if my mind slips into the negatives. Any kind of distraction is good.

Would you like to discuss the issue at work? Would that help or hinder you ? I find sharing stuff helps once thoughts are out of my mind I seem to be able to think more clearly!

Today I am off to the Op Shop to volunteer, to the Employment lady and then to the Dr for a late appointment. Later in the evening I will tackle a bit of my study.

Friends have invited us for dinner on Saturday so I am looking forward to that.

Cheers from Dools

[Lov3]

Hi Stomcloudz’s! How was your weekend?

Thank you for your post, reading no one here cares about the wedding was honestly such a relief to hear and so nice.

music, I like a lot of different music, no one specific genre. I do tend to stick to late 90’s early 2000’s though. My favourite bands are offspring and blink 182. I love millencollin which you may not know of. I like nirvana and old silver chair. Old grinspoon. A bit of early rap and hip hop. I do find it hard to listen to any of that now though because it brings back memories. Now days I like and listen to modern ‘rap’ im not sure what to call it haha drake, Kendrick Lamar, post Malone, cardi b 😁 My boyfriend hates it haha.

What about yourself?

Dools thank you you for the tips on looking deep into the good things around me. I do always try and see the good but it only goes as far as ‘it’s a nice day’ you can get a lot more when you look deeper 😊

Another good tip in not looking deeper into things such as y uncle calling. I always tell myself ‘oh they’re just doing it because of this’ and it could not be the case? (Although I think it is here, but I still need to try and not let that get in the way, if I can)

I started a seperate thread recently titled ‘work trouble’ if you find it I’d love for you to read and see where I am with that and what you think. On the weekend my boss actually apologised to me and asked for forgiveness but it has honestly been so bad, its not something I can get over so I still want to leave at the end of the year.

That must be nice to volenteer and very kind of you to offer your time to help others, as you do here! I hope you had a lovely weekend!

[Doolhof]

Hi Lov3,

I will have a look out for your other thread shortly. We have a guest staying with us at present and it sounds like he may be getting up and ready for the day and my husband is still asleep, so I will be doing the entertaining or at least playing hostess and chatting.

My time volunteering in the Op Shop is good for me. I get to play shop, can serve people, have a chat, ask the parents if I can talk tot heir children and sometimes play little games with them, talk with the other volunteers. have a few laughs and share some serious issues as well.

Yesterday I sat in the garden for a while and tried to really connect with what was going on around me, I saw little skink lizard, felt the sun on my back and the cool breeze on my face, listened to the birds and crushed gum leaf to smell the fragrance.

Looking for the good in life can be difficult some days, so practising it on the good days helps to build good habits and awareness.

Cheers to you and to all reading, from Dools