Feeling super grim

[Lov3]

Hi everyone,

I’m a bit nervous posting but keeping things in is what has got me here. (Sorry this is going to be a bit of a long one)

It started a good decade ago when I left school and unfortunately messed things up for myself due to drug use. I had a perfect life and lost so much in a short period of time and found after that I have always been scared of things falling apart. This has given me anxiety and made me live in a bit of a box. I spent my time working hard and piecing a stable life together. Over the years the anxiety grew, I lost my dad unexpectedly; but I continued pushing through.

Last year was my 10th year in my job and I had set myself up, built a house etc and felt I was in such a great place, yet I felt so sad still always. I decided to stop being stubborn and see a dr. I started an anti depressant which helped so much. I decided to treat myself and go overseas, on my own, and I did it! I was so proud of myself and had the best time. When I returned, things at work got really bad for me and my family were in a bad place and I just felt very overwhelmed (my dr also changed my medication because of night sweats and I don’t feel it is working the same) I keep everything in, I knew I would pop.

I went to a family wedding, I didn’t want to drink and was not going to drink but I drank 😞 I don’t know what happened but I ‘popped’ no one will tell me what happened except that it was bad. My boyfriend barely looks or speaks to me. I feel sick and so sad and so embarrassed and so disappointed in myself. I’m 32 and I’m a mess! I feel like I can’t face anyone ever again. How could I let this happen when I put all my energy into keeping it together! My number one priority is everyone around me being happy and have I said horrible things to them? Awww what have I done...I don’t even want to know now.

[stormcloudz]

Lov3

Good on you for posting here before you pop from keeping it all in!

Firstly, just to reassure you that you can always show your face here - there is nothing you can do that will embarrass or surprise this forum - this lot has seen it all (and often done it too)!

It sounds like you work really hard to keep a good face to the world and every so often that breaks down. Is that right?

Please try not to beat yourself up over a mistake, even if was a bad one. Everyone has done something they wish they hadn't. I mean, let's not even mention my very first job where I threw up on everyone after a night out.

Do you think you have a drinking problem by any chance? You can get good support for that, so it would be worth checking it out. Sometimes when we have underlying depression or anxiety, we can turn to substances to lift the pressure. (Try googling the test on "NCADD am I alcoholic" - I know it sounds scary but it's helpful information).

There's no need to be nervous about posting here - we understand, and won't judge or be shocked. We'll just hope you are OK.

[Lov3]

Stormcloudz’s thank you so much for being here for me and your perfect kind words. I was winding myself up before bed and it was just what I needed to hear. I am truely grateful.

I don’t have a drinking problem in the way I need to drink regularly, but when I do drink I can’t stop, which recently has ended up being a bad situation. I definitely need to just stop completely.

[quirkywords]

Lov3

Welcome to the forum. This a friendly , supportive and caring place where you can be yourself.

Stormcloudz, has written a very supportive reply to you.

You have insight into your drinking patterns and realise you need to stop. What help may you need in doing that?

I am concerned you never got to grieve your father's death.

You have worked so hard and achieved a lot of the last ten years. I see you as a strong woman.who is independent and resourceful.

Are you seeing a doctor or a counsellor ?

Thanks again for your honesty in sharing your story.

quirky

[stormcloudz]

Thanks Lov3. Come here anytime you need a little support.

It's hard to gauge when to stop drinking when you've already had a few : ) Stopping altogether sounds like a good plan, but make sure you get some help to do that. I bet you would be able to go cold turkey, but it's so much easier with some support and structure.

I never thought I had any sort of addiction, until one day I looked up from my computer and realised I used work in exactly the way an alcoholic uses alcohol. It might not look obvious to another (because work is so socially acceptable) but it's true. I had a look at the AA 12 steps and realised that I could use them, in my own way. If you want some support, you could give AA a go to supplement your existing supports - they are there for anyone who has been troubled by the consequences of their drinking, not just for people who are drinking every day.

Anyway, that may or may not suit you, but be reassured there is a place for you here : )

[Doolhof]

Hi Lov3,

Welcome to the community here. Like stormcloudz has mentioned, some of us here have made some huge blunders in our lives, for me the thing is to realise I am human and I do make mistakes and will probably make quite a few more!

It is good you realise you do have an issue with drinking and that you want to change that. It is when we don't accept we have a problem that it becomes worse for ourselves and others.

Have you managed to talk to your boyfriend to help sort things out? It is almost impossible to fix something you don't recall having done or said!

There have been times when I have had to accept I have made a mistake then try to work out where I want to go from that point. Self forgiveness can be a good place to start!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Lov3]

Thank you so much quirky! I am so glad to have found you all.

Things with my boyfriend are still very quiet and awkward. He really doesn’t deal well with my emotions, he went and stayed with his parents when dad passed. You are so right, the not knowing what exactly to be sorry for makes it very hard and confusing. I also try and think of what could have happened and that is making me feel a lot worse.

The family issues worry me as I hope I haven’t said anything to make cause any trouble there.

Self forgiveness is a great tip, I am definitely my own worst enemy

Thank you so much again

[Lov3]

I’m sorry guys I’ve mixed up the replies!

I replied to quirky my reply to Dools.

Quirky, yes Dads death is where the drinking became a problem. I tend to focus hard on something else to get over things which is not a good tactic.

I have seen a phsyc a few times but I don’t get a lot from it really and it is fairly costly. I think I will book in to speak with my Dr again though to just see what he thinks.

Your so sweet thank you for joining in. You have all made my heart feel warmth again!

[Lov3]

Thanks stormcloudz’s

I really hadn’t thought to look any further into the actual drinking but that sounds really helpful for me. I will check it out tonight.

So true, your outlook changes after that first sip even! Everything’s going so good until it’s going so bad. I never really thought about why I go so much further than everyone else!

Thank you for all your help

[Doolhof]

Hi Lov3,

Please don't worry about mixing up the replies. I sometimes write a collective reply to everyone.

You mentioned the cost involved with receiving help from a psych. You may be entitled to a Mental Health Care Plan through your Dr. Horrid title really, I wonder who decided to call it that.

Anyway, if you have a mental health care plan, you may be able to receive lower charged psychologist visits, 6 to start with, maybe up to 10 or 12 depending on your situation. I have been fortunate enough to find a psychologist who bulk bills through this scheme and who is also very helpful.

I also find writing stuff down helps me. I have bought an notebook and some days write out heaps of stuff to keep the thoughts from going around and around in my head.

Hopefully you will be able to talk to your boyfriend and your family and ask what happened. Maybe telling them you want to sort this out, apologising for being intoxicated might help. I also know that is not an easy thing to do!

Wishing you well with this.

Cheers from Dools