Hi ShresthaR
You sound like such a beautiful soulful person who's stuck trying to make sense of so much. With so much suffering from such a young age, my heart truly goes out to you while you face this time in your life.
I recall what a man once said to me in regard to my own son's suffering with bullying. He said 'Bullies will always go for a lighthouse, a brilliant person'. With my son having just turned 17, over time I've come to understand what this man had meant at the time. With a sensitive person's brilliant ability to sense, bullies will typically gravitate toward those who can sense the pain and sufferance which is dished out to them. They will never go for an insensitive person (one who can't feel). With a gentle kindness that radiates from someone who causes no harm to others, bullies will gravitate toward such a gentle kindness. With someone who thinks so deeply, they will gravitate toward a thinker so this deeply thoughtful person can suffer through their thoughts. It is the brilliant that are tormented so cruelly by those who lack their own brilliance. And while a survivor of bullying/cruelty/abuse advances through and beyond their suffering, they often do so consciously (trying to work themself out through their suffering). Those they leave behind may never develop that same level of consciousness, that same need to know why they tick the way they do. They may remain dysfunctional and abusive for the rest of their life, choosing to label everyone around them as 'weak'. Does the weakness lie with the one who works hard through brutal challenges or the one who refuses to look at the way they behave, in the way they torture others?
Who you are is brilliant, who you are is strong, who you are is wonderful (while you now wonder where you need to go from here), who you are is amazing. Have you amazed yourself by how far you've come whilst having had to manage so much for so long? You should be amazed. You are truly brilliant and perhaps exhausted by now.
