Difficulty at work because depression, or depressed because difficulty at work?

[mish_kebab]

Hi all,

This is very hard to type. I don't know what I'm doing, but I also don't know what else to do.

I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow morning to discuss, and waiting for a call-back from a psychologists office, as well as an appointment to set up a mental health care plan on Wednesday.

At the moment, I'm suffering because my responsibilities at work kicked up a notch around August last year and they've progressively gotten more intense. I also started some counselling around that time, which also got a bit intense pretty quickly. I've had a history of depression in the past, all managed while maintaining my career, but I am beginning to feel like this time might be the time where I need to jettison my career and go back to something more simple.

I don't know what the chicken or the egg is here, whether it's the increased responsibility at work or maybe this is just a relapse because of the things I've been talking about in counselling? A lot of family of origin stuff has come up. Corporal punishment = fear of making mistakes, bullying = body shame issues, parental incarceration in teenage years = parentification/emotional incest by other parent, moved around schools often = always an outsider in school, social skills issues. I do not think highly of myself, let's say that.

The new GP who I went and saw about my mental state today has asked me to take a couple of days off of work, and find a psychologist to see instead of a counsellor as they might be able to be more structured in their approach, but it leaves me without knowing how I get through the next few days/weeks, etc. at work.

I called my dad, in tears, and asked him if I could move in with him for a bit; just in case the talk with my boss tomorrow doesn't go in a way where I feel supported enough to continue working here. He said of course, and that I didn't even need to ask. But, losing my job, moving and figuring out how my relationship works while I live 2 hours away from where I do now is something that needs to be taken into account.

On top of this, my partner who I would normally talk to about all this is currently in the middle of an assignment for a job application and they're doing so well on it today that I don't want to lump this on them.

Today is not a very good day.

Does anyone have some perspective for me? Gosh I'd really like some.

[Captain Australia]

Hey There

Sorry that it feels like you're carry the weight of the world - from your history it sounds like you've had to do that in the past as well.

It's pretty telling that even BEFORE the meeting with your boss (which may be a positive one) you're looking at major solutions like "where will I live ?" "will my dad take me in??". That speaks to a mindset that is oriented toward suffering, humiliation, anxiety.

The one really important piece of professional advice I could give (I used to be a corporate big-wig, heh) is that we are never, ever at our best if we are under stress. No matter how big the meeting or how important the outcome, you will always have a better result if you go into it relaxed, knowing your stuff, and confident in yourself.

Of course if you don't feel that way, it's useless advice .. unless you can at least try and fake it 🙂

I see you've been hurt and betrayed in the past. That sucks. Nobody deserves that, and certainly not a child. The thing is, the past may be a predictor of the future, but it doesn't HAVE to be. Not if we find ways to step out of our old patterns.

My advice is pretty simple, and offered with respect and in the hopes that it might somehow help:

1) don't go into this situation or any expecting to lose. If you've gotten more responsibilities at work, it's because you are VALUED. It may be that now they have to cut back staff, or your anxiety has coloured your performance and they're worried, who knows ? BUT, you tying yourself in knots will not change the outcome.

2) If everything falls apart, it will be OK. I know that might sound like hollow encouragement, but it will. Australia is the lucky country. There will always be supports available. I'm not sure if moving in with dad is healthy or not, but make sure you look at that head on before you decide what next.

3) You deserve to be happy, healthy and whole - but it's on YOU to seek that out. Succeeding will mean finding bendy ways to get and think AROUND your past experiences and the psychic scars they've left on you. But you're clearly a clever person, so my advice is to make sure you are ACTING (ie making purposeful choices) instead of REACTING. (And in those choices, I'd make health & happiness a priority)

Just my two cents, sorry if that's all it's worth - I'm hoping for at least a dollar 🙂

All the best.

[mish_kebab]

Thanks so much for your reply, Captain Australia.

I'm definitely going to be reading this, again and again, the next couple of days, I really appreciate the effort and time you've put into this reply.