Destroying My Love

[Peter_Loopy]

It`s ironic. many, many years ago I loved a young girl. She became the mother of my first born and immediately told me to leave. She was only sixteen and I 22. I married soon after another girl and remained married for 28 years having three children with her. We had a good relationship for many years although it was my first love I always pined for. My wife suffered depression as she knew where my heart was amongst other issues. My reply to her for years was get over it depressions is all BS. About 6 years ago I suffered serious depression and ended up in hospital for a couple of weeks over Christmas. I feel so guilty now for being so harsh about  her depression. Until I went through it I could not understand just how debilitating it is.

Three years ago almost to the day I met up with my first love again. Tears flowed, love reignited.  We both took the step and left our long term partners, and now live together in northern Qld. I love her dearly passionately and with my whole heart. We have lots of issues to deal with. We both grew up in entirely different situations and had entirely different marriages. My love has no understanding of depression and how to deal with me when I am depressed. My issue is I am so insecure it is ridiculous (when I am well) however so depressing when I am not well. My depression is killing my relationship something so precious to me. I appear to cycle with the highs and lows, first it was six weekly now it seems to be weekly and I cant remember the last weekend I enjoyed and had fun.... I don't want to lose this lady but if something doesn't change and soon I am almost destined to destroy what I have wanted for so long because I cannot control my depression.

[white knight]

Hi PL,  welcome to Beyond Blue forums

You dont mention if you have had ongoing treatment/doctor sessions since your hospitalisation? Sounds like you havent. This is crutial to my answer. If you havent then you should know that depression is an ongoing often lifetime illness and hence you should get continuous help. If you have done so then you need to get more help and focus on your well being.

Sorry but suffering depression and leaving your wife and children for an old flame is going to be really tough on you and your depression. It was never going to be easy but life's choices also dictate your chances of recovery.

But you know all that. It's just that it wont get much easier. The trick now is to focus on your health. You get better health and your relationship will flourish.

Look after yourself Peter. Life can have twists and turns that emotionally are uncontrollable. People get hurt along the way. But blame is non productive - like worry is. People should adjust to your needs and actions too. So at the end of the day be kind to others, listen to them, allow them to vent, reach out to understand their frustration as you would like them to reach to you.

Just be a darn nice guy and get to your doctor.

Tony WK

[Peter_Loopy]

the treatment lasted 12 months... that was 4 or five years ago. I have not seen a doctor for any condition since that time... I lost my medicare card two years ago along  with all my ID etc and cannot afford to see a doctor I wish for good health more mentally than physically.... I try to do right by my body in fact 12 months ago gave up alcohol full stop..... I don't sleep well I do smoke and I eat badly... exercise is a thing of the past I do know I should look after this side of me ..but just where to start... it is all too daunting.and as for being the nice guy... non judgemental kind thoughtful... I think I am him ..but one does not know with the fragile state of mind... it could all be an illusion.... thanks for your thoughts White Knight....stay safe

[white knight]

Hi Peter

Thanks.  Under mental health plans you can get up to 10 free visits to psychiatrists and the like.

You can get another medicare card sent to you. Ring them or drop in with as much ID as possible. No ID? get statutory declarations from family/friends.

I know what you are saying about things being "daunting" but you have to keep going. What should be your goal?

You goal should be to complete the basics of life and allow other things less important to slip by. This basic care of yourself is vital for your future. When you fulfil these self obligations things tend to look after themselves. eg

We have a mental care nurse annually review our situation. We get a free session for podiatry, chiropractor 5 visits, psychology 10 visits, and so on. Things have changed a lot in 5 years. So pull out all stops....get your medicare card that everyone is entitled to regardless of losing your ID (first step)

And by the way. Mental health- I don't pay a gap with my doctor- its bulk billed. Another new age thing.

Good on you for contacting Beyond blue

Tony WK