Depression for new fathers

[NewDad24]

Hi all,

I’m a new father to a beautiful 7 week year old boy. My wife and I have been doing really well with him, however, over time I have started to feel more anxious and depressed as I have felt that my son is not bonding with me. I would get easily overwhelmed when he cried while his mother was out for a bit of space as I could not do anything to settle him. I understand at this age he is hungry and relies on his mother for food, but my mentality did not allow me to think this. Instead I would think ‘he hates you’, ‘you’re not a good father’. This made my anxiety and depression worse, and also made me more impatient and easily aggravated. 
It’s reached the point where my wife has asked for space and I know I need help to change these behaviours or I will lose the people I love more than anything. I plan to talk with my GP and see a specialist but would love any insights from other fathers, or relatives of fathers who have experienced something similar 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

As a new father, it's understandable to feel anxious and overwhelmed at times, especially when your son cries and you can't seem to settle him. It's important to remember that at this early stage, babies often rely heavily on their mothers for food and comfort, and it doesn't mean your son hates you or that you're a bad father.

It's normal for him to have a stronger bond with his mother initially.

Babies are often sensitive to sensitive to the emotional states of the people around them and may react by becoming fussy, crying, or displaying signs of discomfort themselves.

You mentioned support from your GP help manage your anxiety and depression and this is a positive step.

I can remember (20+ years ago) buying a couple of books about raising children and within the first week of coming home that book was thrown out - my first child was not following the rules laid out in those books. Nothing against book on this topic, but it is a learning experience and sometimes feels like you have to play 20 questions with yourself to work out what's happening. And you do the best that you can, from a place of love.

Lastly, one thing that I did for my kids (as babies) was read to them. And I am just talking about something that I would read myself - it was just my voice they were hearing? Oh, and today there are also Dad groups on Facebook you could get advice or support from as well. I am quite sure there are many fathers have experienced similar challenges.

With time and patience, your bond will grow too.

[Robby60]

re; smallwolf's comments – Yes, you throw your Piaget book out the window when you have a baby!

I raised my child from infancy as a single father.

This involved formula, which was arguably not ideal but necessary under the circumstances, and he's turned out OK and is an adult now.

They'll bond with whoever spends time with them and meets their needs. Food is pretty high up the list so if breast fed mum will tend to be the first port of call until they get a bit older. You may have to be chief nappy changer for a while! Learn to change nappies with a smile!

New parents find it a bit overwhelming at times.

We're psychologically wired to be unsettled by the sound of a crying infant. This sound tends to propel us into action even though sometimes the only required action is to sooth.

A couple of tricks I learnt to pacify my newborn:

This one is possibly a bit controversial and obviously hygiene is always a consideration. The decision about whether or not to use a pacifier is one for the family but using your small finger can have a similar effect.

Putting baby in a stroller and running it to and fro over a small bump, maybe at the bottom of a doorway between two rooms, can have a similar effect to taking a baby on a train ride, which they seem to find soothing.

The practical things an infant needs are food, sleep, a clean nappy and to be comfortable and at a comfortable temperature. So obviously these need to be monitored. A routine is good but sometimes they don't get the memo!

So far as the visceral response of infants goes, they'll prefer gentle movements and a reasonably quiet soft spoken voice. I sang to my baby. They prefer a smile. I always rather enjoyed reading ridiculous engineering text books and mathematics texts to my baby. (and he's a mathematician now! Ha Ha! - not claiming any connection)

In spite of your best efforts infants will cry sometimes and it's important to maintain a gentle demeanor and cheerful disposition through this - You're OK with sharing their bad times too. Obviously don't take it personally they're just responding to their environment. Sometimes they get wind and such so you just have to be patient, maybe rock them gently and they'll come round eventually.

Hang in there. They need to regularly see your face and they will come to understand you're part of their world.

Interestingly, and this is something more relevant as they get older, sometimes kids play up to you and rebel etc. Underpinning this is a belief that they can do so because they can trust you to not overreact and still love them even if they behave in challenging ways.

But an infant has no language or abstract understanding at all. They just feel when they need something and sound the alarm.

Certainly get professional advice or counseling if you feel you need it.

I'm a bit prone to anxiety and have sought counseling at times.