Depressed Family Member

[Rainbow1234]

Hi all,

i have a close family member who has depression (not diagnosed), she has had it for a long time and it’s continuing to get worse and I don’t know what to do anymore. She gets extremely jealous If positive things happen to others, she is insecure about her looks & weight and hates going to crowded places, she’s always negative and becomes irritable easy and thinks she is a victim of the world basically. I have tried being patient and listen, being positive to boost her mood, I have snapped at her at times because I seem to be her outlet for all she is feeling which is makes me feel down after speaking with her and she just won’t get help. She doesn’t think she needs to talk to a professional or that it will do anything and her physical health is not the greatest (she won’t do anything about that either). So I just don’t know what to do anymore without getting dragged into her negative feelings. Her workplace have pulled her up on her negative attitude and approachability but even this isn’t a trigger for her to change.

Any advice is appreciated!

[Quercus]

Hi Rainbow,

Two things above all stood out to me in your post...

1. That you feel 'down' after speaking with her and possibly feel used as an outlet for her to vent and offload onto.

2. That she won't seek help and doesn't see she has a problem.

It is hard to accept but the reality is you can't make a person want to change. She has to do that herself. Until then you're expending so much energy trying to help someone who isn't ready to help themselves.

Which brings me back to point one... YOU. You are feeling down and drained by this family member and that is something within your control. It is very difficult to do but sometimes we do have to set boundaries and stick to them. I have a friend who often wants to offload about the problems of a mate of hers who I don't really know. It sounds rude but I told her that although I care that she is upset on her friend's behalf I don't want to hear details about her friend's problems I came to see HER.

There is always a risk that people will be offended if you set limits but you sound so run down. If your family member chooses not to help themselves it seems pretty fair to me that you should be able to say no to listening to the same vent knowing they won't act.

Have you spoken to your family to see how others approach the issue? Perhaps someone will have found an approach that works.

In the meantime what sort of ways do you find helpful to reduce your own stress after speaking to this family member?

Nat

[Rainbow1234]

Thanks Nat, appreciate the advice and your right, they need to want to help themselves and I need to set clear boundaries.

other family members just seem to pass it off so not much help there unfortunately even though I have tried to get them to band with me. As for me, I try to let it go (I am a massive Empath- which is good and bad) and I try to see where they are coming from, so I give it a couple of days before I make contact again.

[Quercus]

Hello again Rainbow,

Thank you for your reply, it always makes me feel good when someone returns to talk some more.

Totally agree... Being an empathetic person is both a blessing and a curse. It's great that you can recognise that you need time out from your family member to recover. That is setting a boundary in itself.

Are there any other things that have worked for you in the past?

I found myself smiling at your reply because reading my own advice summarised made me realise I need to rethink giving advice 😊.

Setting boundaries is easy to say but my goodness it isn't remotely easy to do. Especially with family members.

It's a shame to hear that your family aren't as helpful as you might like.

Is it ok to ask if you have any other support offline for yourself? Being an empath as I understand it can be completely draining. Do you think speaking to a therapist might help you to have somewhere to offload when you're overwhelmed?

Nat