Cross roads

[Riri]

I'm feeling a little stuck. I have moved to the country away from all I no. Im still traveling home weekly to do everyday things like go to the shops, docs, and place like that gives me a sense of comfort,  and mainly for having more options on services, but then I drive back and it feels like I'm returning to jail as there is not much to do. I don't feel safe walking in secluded areas so I rarely leave the house.  I don't have anyone I talk to as my family have disowned me and my husband only likes to talk about ' positive things' and does not want to be brought down as his struggling enough with his own mental health.  I have never had lots of friends, maybe one or two. But for more then a few months now I been going solo and getting stuck in my own head. I also have not got a job out of the home ATM so I suppose " ideal mind is the devils playground" . I'm studying part time which is just to keep me current in my qualification although it's not a profession I'm keen to go back to. I'm riddle with fear and anxiety that comes with risk taking or change that is not chosen or supported by others. I'm not getting any sort of approval or support from anyone,( been an 80s raised baby I seek it like air). I suppose I just feel lonely, but I don't want to burden others with my thoughts and have learnt that people don't want to hear them and I'm a private person anyway. I only speak with my counselor maybe once a month. I'm not sure where to start. I feel like a 'kept wife' away from all i know, but I'm aware that it's all about perspective and I have been trying to change my mine around things like living away from all I know. What makes it worse is that my husband reminds me daily that "I'm negative and his sick of me putting a negative spin on everything" as it feels very hurtful to him. I have asked him to stop reminding me as it's not helpful and what would be helpful is if he would quietly stand by my side and let me do what i need to do to bring myself out of the rutt. I feel like I don't get a second to breathe sometimes....I'm tempted to run back to what and play the part that my estranged family want me to,I live the scripted life and be excepted by all those who have turned on me. But I no I have made a commitment and need to " put both feet in " in order to really give it a shot. I'm just scared and feel pathetic and my self esteem feels shot. 

[therising]

Hi Riri

I think there can be so many challenges in play with some of them not all that obvious at times. Once they all come together, it can definitely feel overwhelming. I feel for you so much as you try so hard to manage so many different challenges all at once.

While I'm a 54yo gal who'd love to move to the countryside at this stage of my life, I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to actually do it. So, I consider you brave. I think my fears relate to what would be a test of my skills and, in the process, I imagine I'd find the skills I don't have. I imagine some of the skills needed would relate to

• being a confident social butterfly, able to easily and fearlessly make new friends
• being highly adventurous when it comes to my new surroundings
• being on my own a good portion of the time, while managing inner dialogue like a legend and without a problem
• dealing with certain depressing factors, with a serious lack of regular guidance and support

and the list goes on.

Never been a social butterfly, unless you include back in my drinking days long ago. Btw, there are not skills to be found in a bottle of booze. Have never really been a highly adventurous person, more so a little adventurous and a 'safe player'. While I thrive on my own company, once my inner critic and other depressing facets of myself kick in, being on my own can feel a little like torture (with intensely challenging inner dialogue). And while I rely on really good solid guides in life at times, a depressing lack of them would seriously test me.

I smile when I say if there do happen to be some sort of 'powers that be' in life (something greater than ourselves), I swear I feel like saying at times 'Enough! Please stop challenging me and testing me, to see what I need to work on in myself. Just give me a break'. Again, I smile while imagining the response to that would be 'Do you wish to evolve or not? Do you wish to discover the best in yourself, through self analysis/greater self understanding, self development and growing forms of self respect and self love or not?'. Hmmm, fair questions I suppose 🤔🙂.

Took me a good number of decades before hitting on the revelation that equates to 'If I want to learn how to do life, I need some really good teachers, guides and supports'. Throw in a couple of good seers, who can lead me to see the way forward (through their visions of my way ahead) and it definitely makes life easier. Another revelation that's made my life a little easier involves me finally waking up to the fact that my husband is definitely not one of my 'go to' people, based on him not wanting to face what can be or feel depressing at times. He likes to avoid all that kind of stuff. Being left alone in the dark, so to speak, is definitely not a good thing. On the other hand, having great seers in our life means they're willing to come into the darkness with us and have a look around, so as to see what needs light shed upon it.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Riri,

My husband and I moved from the city to a small country town away from our children and there families, then 2 years after we moved my husband passed away, then I felt so lonely and sad…also stuck because selling the house and moving back to be close to my children was a no option, financially wise….selling my home wouldn’t be enough to purchase another home back in the city area…..so here I am hundreds of kilometres away from my family…

I leased a shop in town for an income…wow did I fail at that, closed the shop a few years later, broke, defeated and not very popular because now in this little village there is no shop….

Now a number of years back…I started to volunteer at a well know charity, it was hard for me at first due to my anxiety…I stuck with it though and have met many of the small towns residents and have made a few friends from work…it’s also helped me be more positive about myself and my life, knowing I’m contributing to society has given me a sense of purpose and that makes me feel better about me…..and give me a reason to get up on the days I work. Do you think that maybe you’ll consider volunteering until you find payed work?…I mean it gets you out of the house so you can socialise with other people and possibly make friends with some of the other volunteers working their….

I grew up in the 60s….I’m older then you…and have learnt that we shouldn’t change ourselves to fit into any one else’s picture of how we live our lives…even if it is our estranged family….It’s sad your husband keeps telling you, that you’re a negative person…it takes time to settle into new environment…I’m sorry he says that to you sweetheart….You’re struggling right now with all the new things that’s been introduced into your life…and it must be really hard for you…

Please don’t ever think or feel like a “kept wife”…because your not…many wives don’t work so there husband supports them…many men don’t work and there wives support them….that is a part of marriage…..I do hope so much that in time you’ll settle in, find a job, meet new friends and enjoy your new peaceful surroundings….

My kindest thoughts given with my care…and a gentle warm hug 🤗 dear sweet Riri..

Grandy..

[Scared]

Im a believer in if you move to another place then try to assimilate with the new area.  You can do this by volunteer half day at local salvation army   From that you will gain a sense of belonging.

I think its understandable going back to old haunts for security but if you want to find a new home then you need to show up for your new home.  And this is not done overnight that is understood.

You may find if you engage in your new community your reliance for the old places taper off gradually in a organic way.

I moved to the country in 80s and I coached soccer team got active in fishing comp and bought a dirt bike to ride with new found friends.

Im not saying to ride bikes but my point is I engaged with this country town and was accepted albeit never a born and bred town person.  I found over a short time i never thought about my city I fleed.

All of this is possible if you step out and meet your community little by little.

Once you get to know some people then you will find yourself thinking I dont need to go back for this or that.

Yes negativity can bring people down

Im constantly trying not to be a pessimist as a result of depression

but having awareness of being negative is a great start.

What I do about negativity is simply lie

How are you today.   I answer ok instead of telling the same story of depression I have.   I know its really hard to say positive things because I think being negative becomes habit forming and in turn effects our mental health.

I know there are people in your new town ready to welcome you

[Riri]

Hi, thanks for your thoughts and kind words. I wish i had of thought of some of those things on your list, as they never really came to mind when i was contemplating the challenges of moving rural. Turning the inner dialog of is very hard especially when prone to bouts of anxiety and depression which both i and my partner our.  It is so true about the evolving and i like how you put that in words. Your lucky you had some great seers and found some along the way of your journey. I hope to find some as im sure it will make things a little more easy.  Your revelation about your husband is very relatable, and again i can see how having a strong network of friends or seers has helped. Your husband seems to be similar, i guess in the back of my head though i still feel disappointed that i cant just turn to him for that support and have those organic free flowing chats about fears and worries. I suppose in many aspects in life i have always felt like i have been dropped into the deep end and left to figure it out, emotionally trying to validate and comfort myself. I find it hard to comfort myself now, i try words of affirmation and encouragement and a bit of self care, but like many women i end up putting and mitigating others emotional response before my own.   I spend a lot of the time carefully thinking about how i will say things it kind of feels like walking on egg shells, and although i would like to discuss everything, why do i need to with my partner?... but like you say with a boost of resilience's and self confidence i think it may just help. I don't think im negative person, in genral i would say I'm more a happy content person alot of the time. I believe that by talking through my processes (cons and pros of a situation or a change for example) it gets taken as negative, my partner has a low threshold for things that appear negative. I suppose from my partners eyes it just hits extra hard as he so desperately wants a happy life and can dysregulate emotionally at anything he perceives as threatening that,  not through anger or violence but more through becoming quite depressed and then pushing me to fixes (not very tactfully I must say). Thank you for your wisdom and sharing your life experience,  its very helpful and i appreciate it:)