Confused. Lost. And unsure if what I’m feeling is depression.

unsure_lost · ‎18-05-2019

I’ve been suffering for a while now and I thought I should try to seek help because I’ve always been too afraid. For about a year now I’ve been feeling an on and off sadness. It comes in waves. I’ll have the best day ever, and for some reason I’ll come home at night and cry myself to sleep. For a year now, there hasn’t been a week where I haven’t cried.

I don’t understand. I feel so guilty because I have a life most would kill for. A beautiful family who loves me. Friends that love me. A lovely home. And yes I’m grateful- so grateful. But for some reason, I absolutely hate myself. When I’m out with friends I forget about everything going on internally and I have the best time. But when I come home reality just comes back and I feel the sadness wash over me.

I hate myself a lot. I feel like I won’t amount to anything in life. Everyday just has no meaning to me. The only reason I’m living is because I don’t want my family to suffer when I leave because I know they love me. I’m a very insecure person. Despite people telling me I’m beautiful, I feel that I’m so ugly. But it’s not just my self-confidence- I feel lost. I’ve lost motivation for things I enjoy and I can’t do my uni assignments without procrastinating till last minute. I feel that nothing is worth it anymore.

Despite being in the normal weight range I feel extremely fat. And I’ve noticed that sometimes I won’t eat at all whilst other times I’ll overeat a lot. Ive been sleeping more. When I don’t have work or uni I’ll stay in bed till 12 and sometimes I’ll even nap later at night. I just feel so drained sometimes. Sometimes even while I’m having fun with friends, the wave will come over me and the sadness hits. I always hide it though because I don’t want my family or friends knowing because I feel that I’m a burden. People already have their own issues to deal with and I don’t want to add to that. That’s why I’m posting here. Although I’m still telling others, it doesn’t feel that real through the virtual world.

therising · ‎19-05-2019

A warm welcome to the forum unsure&lost, glad you have come to a place of understanding and support.

Depression doesn't discriminate. It doesn't just enter the lives of those who have experienced trauma, it can also gradually enter the lives of those who can't pinpoint significant issues. It doesn't matter who the warrior is (the one who faces the battle), once depression is present its impact can be life changing.

Depression is definitely complex. Whilst lack of motivation, extreme bouts of sadness and feelings of worthlessness and self-hate can be present, there are a myriad of things going on beneath the surface which fuel these experiences. Serotonin, for example, (aka 'the happiness hormone') helps provides us with the natural high of life only when at optimum levels. A lot of research now points to diet as having an impact on our happiness, seeing that serotonin production is associated with the microbiome within our gut. The (lack of) motivation factor is also a bit of a catch 22: With not a lot of love present for our self to be eating our way to better well-being, exercising our way to better well-being feels almost impossible when a lack of motivation is present. Endorphins, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin are just some of what's released through exercise. But enough of all that; don't want to be taking too much of the romance out of life by describing us as 'chemical processors'; we're much more than that.

A different take on depression leads to more of a spiritual aspect, with a touch of psychology thrown into the mix. Exploring concepts like 'The dark night of the soul' and/or 'The shadow self' can open up a whole new world of understanding. Understanding the impact of ego and how it shapes our perception provides many teaching moments. Whilst 'The dark night of the soul' points to a process of sometimes painful growth and transformation, 'The shadow self', though sounding quite dark, when understood is actually extremely enlightening.

Understanding how we tick on a mental, physical and spiritual level (aka our sense of connection to life) can help us in understanding why we are experiencing life the way we are. Whether you set out on a quest of self-understanding on your own (through personal research) or you find a professional guide/expert, I believe seeing our self from a holistic angle (mind/body/spirit) is what determines our whole well-being.

You're not a burden, you're on a journey or transformation unsure&lost, take care

White_Rose · ‎19-05-2019

Dear Unsure&lost

Welcome to the forum. It is a good place to to be and talk about how you feel. We are all in the same boat or recovering which means what you describe resonates with us. Not a comfortable place to be.

First I would like to point you to some information about anxiety and depression. This may not be your problem but it's a good place to start. Scroll to the top of the page and check out The Facts tab. You can download much of this information or print it for yourself. Complete the K10 checklist as it will give you an idea of where you are. It's not a diagnosis, just an indication. Read about the causes of depression.

Book an appointment with your GP and take the completed K10 list. It will help both you and your GP. You may also like to print out your post above for the doctor as it describes your difficulties and may be easier to start the conversation. Make a long appointment.

That's all about how to get help.

I know how awful I felt when I became depressed. I live on my own so had no one to distract me. Going to work was not bad as I could usually keep it together but sometimes would hide in toilets and have a little weep. I had no idea what was wrong with me and like you I was a bit scared to ask anyone. I fell apart at work one day and a colleague took me the doctor. That was the start of my journey to healing.

As therising has commented, depression is an illness that affects many people regardless of their life/family/friends etc. It's called the black dog and makes sure it gets into your head whispering how useless you are, how undeserving. We think we are being honest with ourselves but it's not true. The dog is jumping into your life because it has seen a small opening and our brains tell us what the dog says is true.

You are as deserving of a full and happy life as anyone else. When we help each other we also help ourselves which means talking to family and friends is a good option. I wonder if they have noticed you have been different lately. Speak to the person you feel closest to and I think this person will say they have noticed something is wrong. Have a chat to your GP. Once you start talking I think you will feel a bit better. The weight will be off your shoulders and I would be very surprised if you had any negative comments.

I used to not like talking about myself and still find it hard, but when I did talk life started to look up. Let us know how you are going.

Mary

unsure_lost · ‎19-05-2019

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

unsure_lost · ‎19-05-2019

Hi Mary,

I really appreciate that you took the time to reply. My friends and family don't know what's going on- I'm very good at hiding it. When they do realise I'm upset sometimes, I just tell them I'm tired or give them some other lame excuse and it seems to work. I really want to tell somebody close to me but I don't want to give my load to someone else. I understand that everyone has things going on in their lives and I don't want to add my problems to someone else's.

Koda17 · ‎19-05-2019

Hi there, I'm going to start off by saying thank you. I've been feeling just like how you described your feeling for quite sometime too, but like you I didn't want to be a burden on others. Reading what others have posted on this thread has helped me work up the courage to talk to my GP about it, but I need some advise first. I've tried to talk to my mum about it, because out of everyone in my family she is the most understanding in most cases, but she has told me outright that she believes there is nothing wrong with me, despite me insisting that something feels off. I don't want to hide this from her but I feel as though I have no support from her. Any advise on what I should do, or how I should approach this subject with her?

unsure_lost · ‎19-05-2019

Hi Koda17,

Although I am just as lost as you, I think you should explain to her that although it seems that nothing is wrong, deep down you are suffering. I think you need a time where she isn't busy- where you can sit her down and talk one-to-one, letting her focus on you. Explain everything to her. Whatever goes on behind closed doors. If she can't see something is wrong despite you telling her, it's best to seek out someone else who is close to you, who you believe is understanding as well.

unsure_lost · ‎19-05-2019

Hi Koda17,

I also forgot to say thank you as well. It feels nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hope your journey gets better. All the best. 🙂 🙂

White_Rose · ‎19-05-2019

Hello Unsure and a warm welcome to you Koda

Excuse the joint reply but I am basically saying the same to both.

One of the biggest obstacles to healing is to feel we are not worthwhile enough for others to worry about. It is disappointing Koda when mom refuses to believe you are unwell and there may be all sorts of reasons for this. Your mom may have grown up in an environment where mental illness was hidden and a cause for shame. She may have experienced something similar herself and found no one would or could help. I guess you can only accept this is how she feels and confide in someone else. Your GP would be an excellent second choice.

I think we need to remind ourselves of what love is. When we love someone we want to be with that person and help them when things go amiss. It may be the person who loves you (family member/friend) would be quite hurt to feel you did not trust them enough to ask for help. Not wanting to be a burden is only the way we look at the situation. Seen from the viewpoint of the other, not speaking up can seem as though you have no care or concern for them.

My children were shocked when they discovered how unwell I was and they were very upset I had not told them myself. My next door neighbour contacted one daughter when I tried to suicide. I felt very defensive with my (adult) children because I thought they should not have to worry about me and I was so ashamed of myself. Oh boy did I get told! So now I tell them if things are not good. We just chat on the phone or meet up and talk about all sorts of things, not often how I feel. Just being there and knowing they love me is enough. I can work on my health and they keep an eye out for me.

It has been especially important now as I have discovered I have a cancer. I am getting treatment and my girls support me. The boys are not as demonstrative but are there if I need help. I live alone which can make MI a little harder to manage. I separated from my husband nearly 20 years ago. If I had not continued to talk with them I seriously wonder if I would still be alive. Sounds all very dramatic I know.

Try reading the BB information on this site. Koda, can you follow the links I detailed in my reply to Unsure? Perhaps both of you can show this information to your family members. There are booklets available but you need to send for these. No cost involved. There is a booklet for family and friends.

Let us know how you are both going.

Mary

Koda17 · ‎19-05-2019

Hi again. Thank you Unsure and Mary. I'll be sure to give both of your suggestions a go, and I'll have a look at that information as well. Hopefully all will pan out well, for all of us. I'll let you know how I go later on in the week. 🙂