Need to focus on myself before fixing my marriage

[More_down_than_up]

Hi,

Depression & anxiety are taking their toll on me and more sadly my family.

I am always so negative and unhappy. I seem to ruin each and every moment lately. More sadly my kids are starting to get caught up in it.

My wife has always been so supportive, but after so many years of the same behaviours and situations I think I have finally used up all my chances of her forgiveness.

She now wants space, but I continue to keep trying to pull her tighter, which makes her push me away harder. I just look for affection from her at any opportunity (like holding hands in the car). I love her so much and would say I am obsessed with her. We are high school sweethearts and have been together for 20 years (married for 12).

I have struggled with this illness for many years. I am now on 3 different types of meds.

I have been told that I need to fix myself before I can fix our marriage problems, but I have it in my head that I just can’t be happy unless I fix my marriage problems first. My wife doesn’t want Marriage counselling until I sort myself out first, which my psychiatrist agrees with.

How can I be happy in an unhappy marriage, but how can I have a happy marriage if I am unhappy ... they seem to go hand in hand ... I just want to be happy and to treat my wife and kids the way they deserve.

Would appreciate any advice, thanks!

[IsaJett]

Hi more down than up ,

this is gonna sound a little cliche..and I have been in your position . So I totally get it. My fear of losing him....pushed him away further . This happened to me about 6 months ago ...on a verge of a break up . Whilst talking about it ...I realise that I was very heavily reliant on him to be the source of my happiness. Like I waited for his text just to cheer me up . And if he didn’t call I would be dead to the world ..etc . He felt suffocated and felt pressure as I was clingy . Luckily for me I did some super soul searching and realise what I was doing .

I had very little love for myself and very little faith for myself .

Self Love is was totally lacking . Self sufficiency and self soothe...these are all terms that I have learned of late . Knowing that I am worthy and deserving is awesome . In realising that I can make myself happy without others was a game changer . What they do or not do no longer affected me . I am able to stay in a nice stable mood regardless of their actions . So in setting myself free...I set him free too. It is much easier for him and I to communicate .

yes a relationship it is nice to have for support etc... but at the end of the you and I have the sole responsibility of looking our own happiness first and foremost . So we must love ourself more first before we can love others . I found that for me this piece of information helped me lots ...so rather than waiting on my partner to make me happy ...I made myself happy first ....and then I have love to give to him .

there are lots of things you can do to promote self love ...and its self care etc on the internet. Things are going so well for us right now since I concentrated on myself more to pick myself up when I am down . I didn’t think it was possible at first . I kept thinking it was him .....but in fact it was me that was making myself happy ...Not him . I simply assign it to him ...but it was me along .

I hope this helps you ...Deep down in you ..you are capable of happiness ...it is there ..tap into it.

I do a lot of dancing for therapy and also listen to Abraham Hicks relationship videos and Jason Stephenson Meditation videos ...These all assisted me and I hope you can look them up and hope it helps you . There are a wide array of information on internet and its been a lifesaver for me . Be kind to yourself and take it one step at a time . You will get there and things will definitely improve .

Stay well keep us posted on progress

[More_down_than_up]

Thanks, your message really hit home. You hit the nail on the head because I understand that I look solely to my wife for my happiness, which I see is totally unfair. I’ll look into self care and self love a little more and try to give my wife some space, while I work on myself.

thanks again

[IsaJett]

Hi More up than down,

I’m glad to help and that my story striked a chord with you . Remember to be kind to yourself ...be your own best friend . I know we can be our own toughest critic . We have to show first and foremost ourselves kindness and patience . I am positive you will do really well.

I have found that mediation has helped me lots and changing my internal dialogue . Jason STephenson on youtube channels and Abraham Hicks ...alignment and positive manifestations . Plug them in your search engine and listen to what they say ...they have a lot of tips ...on relationships and self love and self reliance. Quite a fun thing to do actually I have found. Stay well my friend and keep posting . We are always here for you and look forward to hearing about your progress. 🙂