Last night, I was watching TV with my partner (some WWE thing, not my
thing, but he enjoys it so I watched with). Anyway, the episode/story we
watched was quite emotionally charged, with the main wrestler having
died very suddenly a few days after he...
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Last night, I was watching TV with my partner (some WWE thing, not my
thing, but he enjoys it so I watched with). Anyway, the episode/story we
watched was quite emotionally charged, with the main wrestler having
died very suddenly a few days after he got this big award or something.
(not entirely sure) but all I know is that he died. Well that did it for
me, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, but tears started leaking down my face. I
started to sob. My partner asks what's wrong? I tell him, I don't know.
How can I tell him what's wrong when I don't even know myself? I sat
down next to him on the lounge and he gave me a hug. I told him that I
just don't know whats wrong with me, that I can't pinpoint one
particular thing and say 'yeah thats it, that's why I'm sad". He gives
me another hug, and says 'I don't know why you are depressed for, things
aren't that bad." well holy crap the tears started pouring down even
more. I said to him "so you don't think there's a reason for me to be
depressed? or you just don't understand why i'm depressed?" Thank god he
said the latter, but it still hurt a bit, you know? He's very black and
white, if something doesn't fit, he just let's it go. I am not like
this. There are so many different shades of grey between those black and
white points. I over analyse things, where as he just makes a
consecutive decision. I dwell, he moves forward. I have told him over
and over again that if I could have just even a little bit of the
strength he had to be able to live in a black and white world, my life
would be so much easier. But, of course, that can't happen. I will never
see things as black and white. What if this is who I am? A person who
cries at the drop of a hat, who's broken, who has a mental illness. I'm
spending so much money on medications and psychologists, and
psychiatrists that it's starting to become a little overwhelming. Things
aren't getting better. What if this is it. This is me, broken, unable to
be fixed?