Back here again

[Red Wheelbarrow]

I can't believe I feel like this again.  Ive been living with depression of various intensity for almost all my adult life.  Im 67.  I had been feeling so good for nearly a year and now I can't even move from a chair without effort.  Im trying all the tricks of the trade, meditation, living in the now, CBT, but I'm still under water.  I worry about every thing I say or write in emails, frightened that I've upset people.  It seems to be a lot of little things that build up.  This time I think the final straw was my sister being admitted to hospital unable to walk and covered in a rash .  She is an alcoholic. She was in hospital for over 4 weeks and was doing so well I thought I had my sister back.  When she was discharged she started drinking again with her husband buying the alcohol.  I thought it probable, but it completely flawed me.  I am so angry with him and her.  She has a son and  grandchildren.  I'm an alcoholic too but I have not had a drink for 21 years and it makes me mad that she was so clever and lovely and now she is a train wreck who can't string a sentence together.  I know this isn't about them but it's about me.  I am so sick of this roundabout.  I'm wasting my life with this but can't stay happy. I have a loving husband and sons and 2 gorgeous granddaughters I should be jumping for joy every day.  I hate this so much.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome back

I first read about "foot in mouth" when researching ADHD. It is also in manic people like myself with bipolar. I couldnt figure out how I'd say such inappropriate things and get into trouble. So, that could account for you saying the wrong thing. Try practicing waiting a few seconds before responding and emails, always read them before you send.

As you know with alcoholism it is always a chance one will fall back into the habit. Yes I understand why you are angry with your sister and her hubby but, you should also know that their decisions are out of your hands and it seems really clear to me that you have enough on your plate now with your own challenges than worry about others. It might seem harsh but a little distance from both of them is in order so you can focus on yourself and your recovery from depression. Some times in order to distance yourself you need to move away just that far that its a day trip for them to visit. 

So back to you. My bipolar and depression I've battled with all my life. There is some crucial things I've learned to make it more stable and they all have to do with acceptance.

• that depression runs in cycles
• that feeling bad this week could change next week
• that its ok to be selfish
• that others responsibilities are not mine
• deflect worries is better than being a sponge with them

A few threads below could help a lot. Just read the first page of each.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/acceptance-is-this-our-biggest-challenge/td-p/14769...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/meditation-words-of-wisdom-it-helped-me-for-25-year...

The last one is really good. It described Maharaji and on youtube he has dozens of videos that can make huge inroads to mental health. My favourite is "sunset" and "all is well"

I'd be interested in your thoughts and remember "charity begins at home"

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Red Wheelbarrow

It sounds like you've spent a good part of your life working so hard to manage your challenges, thoughts, feelings, inner dialogue and more. You've worked hard to come to know yourself, your triggers, tolerance levels and abilities. In the school of hard knocks (aka life), you've managed to graduate to a point where you definitely deserve to wear all your efforts as a badge of honor.

I think when it comes to graduating, it never stops. There's always going to be a next level challenge. Kinda like 'Okay, I've now graduated to be able to manage every level 1 challenge, every level 2 challenge, every challenge that I'd class as a level 3' and so on. Along the way, through every graduating level, you could have learned 'These are my triggers under these circumstances. This is how my nervous system works. This is how my mind and body work together, either for me or against me. This is how I need to manage without alcohol turning the volume down on my feelings (leading feelings to feel sharper, more intense/louder and more raw)' etc. Chances are you've learned more about yourself over the years than anyone else you know has learned about their self. Impressive!

Personally, I struggle with a next level challenge because typically I don't know exactly what the challenge is to begin with. I can feel it (especially a depressing or potentially depressing one) but feeling it doesn't mean I can identify it. And to top things off, with a next level challenge some of my 'go to' strategies just won't work at that level. So, it's like a double whammy. I can't work out what the issue is and I don't have the tools I need to manage it. I've found better understanding the challenge while developing/gathering the tools becomes the ultimate challenge.

I'm wondering if you can relate to the 'tornado challenge'. As a 53yo gal, I felt this one for the first time only last year. While managing depression was nothing new to me, anxiety was a whole new ball game. I'd describe it as...Challenges start off as small and seemingly manageable. A few thoughts and emotions go 'round in your head. Bit of challenging inner dialogue as well but you say 'It's okay, I can cope. I can manage'. Then a few more challenges, thoughts and emotions get added to that. A little more inner dialogue too. You don't necessarily realise it but everything starts to pick up speed. More and more gets added until things start to go sideways and before you know it you have a fully formed tornado that can get rather dark and it's all starting to feel out of control. Managing that kind of intensity can get exhausting too, so add exhaustion to the mix. So, the next level challenge can be about 'How to manage an F5 tornado for the 1st time in my life'.

There are times where I feel like saying to whatever powers that be 'Please, not another challenge! In the school of hard knocks, where are my holidays? Where's my time off from graduating to next level?! I've worked so hard on this 'understanding self and life' business'. 🙂

[Red Wheelbarrow]

Thank you for your reply.  I will read the threads you've suggested.  I can use all the tools I can get my hands on.

[Red Wheelbarrow]

Thank you for replying.  Your description of  the tornado effect really strikes a chord for me.  It's exactly how I end up in the hole.  You have given me something to think about , thank you.