I'm writing this because I dont want to be like this anymore, and I want to be as well as I can possibly be.
My username is CompulsiveLiar. Thats who I have been. I spent most of my life telling lies to survive. I imagine some people reading this will question whether or not I am actually telling the truth. Thats what sucks about telling people that I am recovering compulsive liar, people dont believe liars. And rightfully so. But I believe that a liar can learn to not tell lies. Its a tough habit to break, but it is possible.
Like many I had a brutal childhood, as a young boy. I had a very cruel mother. But I do forgive her. She was sick too. Shes a lot better now. I will never ever live with her again. But, shes happy in her pocket of the universe, and me in mine. I love her dearly. She did her best. Took me a long time to admit that, mum was in a lot of emotional pain. I didnt get that then. Still dont fully understand emotions. This disorders inhibits me from feeling like most people feel.
And, like most people with ASPD, I also suffered with a Conduct Disorder, as a child. Ive never been to prison. Though I do have criminal convictions.
Im writing because this is all part of a therapeutic process for me. Its important for me to start telling the truth as much as I can to generate new habits, to tell the truth. Im using this forum because its a safe way for me to be honest, without the anxiety of being judged or criticised for having this disorder. Ive had a look around and I dont see many posts about this disorder though, and Im not surprised. Most people with ASPD dont come forward to get help, unless its due to a court order.
Im not expecting much, and Im not looking for sympathy or anything like that. Ive hurt alot of people along the way, and I dont want to do that anymore. So much so, that it hurts, and the weird thing is that its good that it hurts, because Im feeling remorse!. They say people like me dont feel that but I swear thats what Im feeling.
Im so sorry to everyone in this world that I have ever hurt. Im so very sorry. I wish that I wasnt born this way but I have to make the most of the hand that I have been dealt. I read a post on here, about limiting beliefs and taking responsibility, and thats where I am at. I so desperately want to step up and be the man that I know that I can be.
Coming clean like this is a big deal for me. And I feel good being able to share this, without guilt, shame and fear.
Thank you all very much!.
