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Antisocial Personality Disorder.

CompulsiveLiar
Community Member

I'm writing this because I dont want to be like this anymore, and I want to be as well as I can possibly be.

My username is CompulsiveLiar. Thats who I have been. I spent most of my life telling lies to survive. I imagine some people reading this will question whether or not I am actually telling the truth. Thats what sucks about telling people that I am recovering compulsive liar, people dont believe liars. And rightfully so. But I believe that a liar can learn to not tell lies. Its a tough habit to break, but it is possible.

Like many I had a brutal childhood, as a young boy. I had a very cruel mother. But I do forgive her. She was sick too. Shes a lot better now. I will never ever live with her again. But, shes happy in her pocket of the universe, and me in mine. I love her dearly. She did her best. Took me a long time to admit that, mum was in a lot of emotional pain. I didnt get that then. Still dont fully understand emotions. This disorders inhibits me from feeling like most people feel.

And, like most people with ASPD, I also suffered with a Conduct Disorder, as a child. Ive never been to prison. Though I do have criminal convictions.

Im writing because this is all part of a therapeutic process for me. Its important for me to start telling the truth as much as I can to generate new habits, to tell the truth. Im using this forum because its a safe way for me to be honest, without the anxiety of being judged or criticised for having this disorder. Ive had a look around and I dont see many posts about this disorder though, and Im not surprised. Most people with ASPD dont come forward to get help, unless its due to a court order.

Im not expecting much, and Im not looking for sympathy or anything like that. Ive hurt alot of people along the way, and I dont want to do that anymore. So much so, that it hurts, and the weird thing is that its good that it hurts, because Im feeling remorse!. They say people like me dont feel that but I swear thats what Im feeling.

Im so sorry to everyone in this world that I have ever hurt. Im so very sorry. I wish that I wasnt born this way but I have to make the most of the hand that I have been dealt. I read a post on here, about limiting beliefs and taking responsibility, and thats where I am at. I so desperately want to step up and be the man that I know that I can be.

Coming clean like this is a big deal for me. And I feel good being able to share this, without guilt, shame and fear.

Thank you all very much!.

23 Replies 23

159357
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
It's a good thing that you're trying your best to fix these things. If you may have hurt someone pretty badly in the past from this, if suitable, apologise.

SourceShield
Community Member

Hey there!

Like you, I learned that telling lies sometimes kept me safe.

Like you I too have convictions, here in OZ, I am originally from NZ.

Like you, I too had a very cruel mother.

So, you are definitely not alone.

A few of my BB friends here have a thread going about limiting beliefs, I wonder if thats the one that youve read already?

OTT - Old Though Thoughts. Its in the Staying Well section.

You can join us there, anytime you want, my friend.

You will never get any judgement from me.

And, like you I too believe that we can change these compulsive habits, that we may have.

ASPD, that is a toughie! - I feel for you on that one because I do a lot of research into psychopathy atm, especially in children.

Its my belief that they are unrecognised geniuses.

Maybe thats all you are, brother?

You mention that this is a 'therapeutic process' - Would that be, StoryTelling Therapy?

If it is, great!

Keep at it.

Ive read many successful cases studies.

Keep moving forward!

Please feel to join us on the other thread.

And, do you mind if I pop over this thread now and then, to see how youre going?

I know that its important to have people that you can stay accountable to!

I can be one of those people for you.

Aint much that you can say, thatll shock me!

If not wanting to be a compulsive liar, is what you want, I will be there for you with this, because I sense that though you may not want sympathy, you still need support from people that wont judge you, for being you.

Trust me...look around, youll see a few of my threads, about some of my many issues, and theres some really awesome people here, that do care, that have been there for me.

I wanna 'see' you get better, for you.

Thats what I want for me too man!

I get it.

I'm here for you.

Thank you for being honest, I know that took a lot of courage!

MuchLove&Respect

Kaitoa

Thank you Kiatoa. I really do appreciate so much of what you have written to me. Im going to join in on the thread that you have about beliefs, right now.

Im not a genius though.

It is storytelling therapy!. Well spotted. Im learning to be more truthful, and if you dont mind checking in with me, now and then, I would be very appreciative of that.

Im not able to properly tell you how much what you have written to me, means to me. It was very tough for me to write, still is, thank you for acknowledging that. My therapist says thats important, and important for me to acknowledge acknowledgement.

Ive actually been reading many of your posts already, and I like what you have to say. You seem like someone that has a lot to give, while dealing and living with your own issues as well. Im not used to people being so generous to me, Im sorry in advance if I ever come across as cold. Im just starting all over again with all this, sometimes, I really do feel like a child. I would appreciate all the support that you can offer.

Thanks again.

Hey CL,

Youre welcome, my friend!

I see that youve already joined us at OTT.

I will respond to your post there, soon.

And, Ive also replied to your post in the poetry corner.

Join us!

Write.

I will gladly pop into to this thread to check up on you, if that helps.

Thats too easy.

One day at a time, my friend.

We're doing this!

No stopping us now...holistic health and wellness, here we come!

MuchLove&Courageousness

Thank you Source.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Thank you SS. How you going today? Ive had a pretty good day today. Didnt do that much. Got some groceries.Watching documentaries. Do you watch docos much mate?

I watch a lot of anime, and cartoons too. That help me to stay calm. Im on some strong medication. Im feeling a little bit better today. Thanks for checking in on me. Im still finding it really tough to be honest. My therapy tells me that Im am allowed to exist. I've tried to take my own life a few times now. But today was a good day. Actually, I have a question come to think of it, but I will post it in the OTT post. Thats okay. Im listening to the rolling stones at the moment. Music makes me feel humble.

Thanks SS.

CL

Hay brother CDOGG,

I'm just going to sit in here, I'm not going to say anything unless you ask me to. Ok bro.

This is your space and I respect that.

Just know Im here for ya brosif.

Shout out if need anything

I do have a grounding presence . If you need that just type GP MDOGG. I will bring you back to earth.

MDOGG out.

Thanks GP, you and SS are already helping me out. Youre both very grounding in your own ways. Source is a wise and caring man. And you are very kind and supportive Matt. This disorder restricts my day to day life in a really major way.

Source was that true about sugar?

I'm interested in learning more about that because diabetes runs in my family. Youre a wealth of knowledge. I admire that. I was never encouraged at school. I wasnt that interested in it. Life at home was no good. Sometimes Mum would take us shoplifting for groceries. To get food to eat. It was tough for her. She was never ever happy when I was a kid. She's had it rough as a kid too. Never knew my dad. My mum has her own issues. A lot of them. I do too. What Im saying is that when youre a kid you just do what youre told. You dont question the adults but then what if they teach you to do bad things? What about that? I was taught how to steal by by Mum because we needed food but that became a bad habit and thats when I knew I had to stop. I nearly ended up in jail, and thats when I knew I had to deal with my issues, but that was nearly six years ago. Im still dealing with this crap. Thats what makes me angry is that I havent moved on from being at rock bottom. It gets tiring. I dont know why I was born this way but I cant change any of that. I will do whatever it takes to sort my life out. Even if it takes another 60 more years but hope not. But like you guys say this isnt a competition.

Source, I like what you wrote about sexual health, thats another biggies for me. How do you manage the strong desires? I think that using the acronyms as you have is great. Very smart.

Sometimes I just feel really ugly. You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo!. That was a joke. Matts encouraging me to makemy stories funny. I dont have much of a sense of humour. Source you and Matt are both witty and sacastic, which is funny. I just enter a room and people start laughing. Why do you think Im agoraphobic. People always stare. Paranoia goes with the disorder

I also saw your post in the poetry thread source. Ive been avoiding it because you ask some very real questions. I really appreciate that. Just takes time to answer. But I will tonight. Therapist told me that this is good for me so i will keep going with it. I also mentioned that Im working on detaching from self limiting beliefs. My therapist thinks that calling them OTT is a great idea. Thanks again.