Am I Beaten ?

[sunset]

I have had severe anxiety and depression for the last nine months. I think it was triggered after taking a small amount of powder cocaine last summer. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, but I was feeling quite dissapointed with my life at the time. I didn't like my job, was always arguing with and resenting my girlfriend, I couldn't keep seem to keep still, not sleeping well and drinking and smoking a bit of cannabis every weekend. This went on for a few years. It wasn't great, but it was manageable and I felt ok most of the time. Then things got worse with my job and girlfriend and I just thought what is the point of being stuck in this situation I hate for the rest of my life ? I thought the cocaine might help me enjoy life and I could keep it under control. I had tried it once quite a few years ago.

It did what I expected, but not for long. Shortly after taking it I felt fantastic, but then a few days later I was sitting with my girlfriend and felt a sensation in my head like the blood was draining out. Then I started feeling really dizzy and had a massive panic attack and sort of felt like I wasn't real. I tried going to bed and sleeping it off but found I couldn't sleep. These symptoms have continued ever since along with depression and anxiety of a magnitude I never thought possible. I threw away all the cocaine when these symptoms first started and haven't touched any since.

I have been doing lots of walking, eating very healthily, trying to do the CA program, cutting down caffeine and nicotine, tracking my mood in a spreadsheet every day and trying to get on with normal things.  The insomnia did get better after a few months, maybe after I quit alcohol and I have improved since then in other areas as well. But I am still very depressed and have feelings of overwhelming guilt. I see the bad in everything most of the time and get intrusive thoughts that make me totally hate myself. Things look empty and meaningless and I can't really find enjoyment or pleasure in anything I do.

I tried an antidepressant briefly but it made me feel really bad. I couldn't sleep and was having bizarre thoughts so I had to stop after 2 days. I am very frightened of the side effects of prescription drugs and if my problem is essentially addiction, then how can they help because anti depressants are not a silver bullet for addiction.

In the evening after dinner when the sun sets is my favorite time because I usually feel a sense of relative peace and optimism descend on me.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sunset

A warm welcome to Beyond Blue. Glad you found us and decided to write in.

You do sound in a pickle. I know very little about street drugs but I do wonder how much the cannabis contributed to your depression and the bad reaction to the cocaine. Glad you have stopped using either drug.  It's also great about not drinking alcohol and smoking. Your are starting to scrub up well. (smile).

Antidepressants are a mixed blessing. Some work very well on some people and have no side effects. Some work well but have horrendous side effects.And some have no good effect and lots of side effects. It really is a lucky dip. But two days is not enough to know how well the AD is working.

I suggest you go back to your GP and start again. Be upfront about your drug use. This will not get you into trouble as the doc cannot pass this on to anyone. Explain how the first ADs affected you and your fear of these drugs.

The feelings you are experiencing are typical depression symptoms. Horrid I know but not unique. You can get past these. What is the CA program? I hope it is helpful.

There is no magic cure for addiction or depression. Most unfortunate. But you can get better. Whether you have depression or addiction or both even, there is a way forward. It is hard work and perseverance, good days and bad days. No good pretending it's different. But the reward of regaining yourself and control of your life is fantastic.

I believe some people have managed to 'cure' themselves and I take my hat off to them. Most of us need professional help, at least to start with. It's the quickest and easiest way, though perhaps easy is not quite the message I am sending.

You will need support from family and friends, so start looking for those people you know who will be supportive and non-judgemental. They do not need to do anything except be there when you need a friend. You don't even need to talk about your feelings. Just having someone who cares and who does not put pressure on you to "buck up and get well" is what is needed.

So please return to your GP and start again. It's definitely worthwhile. Copy and print your post to show the doc if this is OK with you. It's a good start.

Mary

[BeeGee]

+1

[sunset]

Thanks for your kind advice. Yes I certainly don't think the cannabis helped and is something I have used on and off since I was in my early teens. That went down the toilet with the cocaine. I am very envious when I read posts on here from people who never messed with street drugs, my goodness you are so lucky.

The GP already knows all about my drug use history. I started a new job today so I am not sure I can risk the potential side effects of medication right now. Maybe a bit further down the line I can give them a try again. CA is cocaine anonymous, it's very similar to the AA program. I am still struggling with the concept and whether I should be in there at all because I did such a tiny amount, but at the least it's a great support network.

Like you say I have good days and bad days, usually dependent on the amount and quality of sleep I get the night before. Mornings are usually a traumatic experience, I often feel at my craziest when I am waking up and most depressed knowing I have to through another day of constantly watching / listening to all the horrible thoughts in my mind. I haven't had a drink for 6 months today. I have been wondering what would happen if I tried a bit of moderate drinking to soothe the anxiety, but I am pretty sure it would be a big mistake.

My Mum has been supporting me financially for a few months now, so she is happy to see me back at work. I just hope I can cope with it, especially the early starts. I guess there will always be financial pressure from somewhere, just need to accept it.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Sunset (love the name by the way, and last evening, where I live, we had the most awesome sunset that I’ve seen in a long long time – the whole sky changed colour as well as almost everything else – it was magical)

I must say that with how you started with your first post and the way things were, there has been a huge change for you – all towards a positive future and this is heaps pleasing to read.  And on top of this, you can give yourself a massive pat on the back, because this change has been initiated by yourself.

And that is massive because if the person involved is the one who initiates change, who WANTS to change, then this goes a long way to helping to fight the fight and hopefully win the battle.

Not sure of your job but you did mention early starts – and that takes dedication and commitment, but again, you can look upon this as a daily goal to reach, to achieve.  But with that, it can help be positive of other aspects too – like looking after yourself, eating and drinking well, and getting to bed at a reasonable time, because you know you have to be up early.  That’s responsibility, that’s maturity, that’s bloody awesome.  🙂

Mega kudos to you for being 6 months without a drink – that’s well and truly a very good habit formed, so now it’s just a known thing that as the day goes along, there’ll be no alcohol for you – which is hugely positive and please, do all you can to keep that going.  And NO, you don’t want to be trying to have moderate levels – that will lead you down a not so good path.

Would love to keep hearing from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[sunset]

Hi,

It's great to be back and posting. I am still clean and sober and a few weeks into my new job and it's going pretty well. The job involves reading peoples gas & electricity meters so a big change from working in a stuffy office ; lots of exercise.

I had a really good week last week. I started taking St Johns Wort just over a week ago so I am thinking this probably has something to do with it. Also I haven't had coffee only two cups of tea in the morning every day now for over over two weeks.

Everything still seems pretty bleak / empty / weird, but it hasn't bothered me so much recently and I have found it much easier to get on with things. Evenings are still my favorite time of day and something I genuinely look forward to. The problem is I often want to make the most of it and end up doing stuff until late when really I should be asleep because it often spoils the next day.

Thanks for reading 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear Sunset

It is great to read how well you are doing. Awesome! I am gobsmacked at how much you have given up since first writing. Alcohol, drugs, coffee. I don't know that I could give up coffee. It's my heart starter.

And best of all, your attitude is so fantastic. Lots of gold stars for you.  I gather you are enjoying your job and as you say, getting lots of exercise. There is a huge link between exercise and reducing/recovering from depression.

If I may make one suggestion? St John's Wort has a mixed reputation. It can be a problem when taken with other medications such as ADs, and I understand you are not taking ADs at the moment. Please let your GP know that you are taking this and ask about longer term effects.

Even the Black Dog needs a rest now and then. It sounds as though you are training the dog to stay at heel and it does get easier once you learn the tricks. One thing I have learned is that depression does go away. Not necessarily for good but it does become manageable.

You say you are finding it easier to get on with things which is good. It is an accumulative process. The more you do the more you are able to do and as you progress it will become more obvious. If you do have relapses try to remember that you beat it before and will do so again.

Time management is something we all struggle with. Not enough time or too much. Wanting to do things is a huge step forward and as I'm sure you know, can leave you feeling tired. So try to keep a balance. Physical health also has a huge impact on mental health.

Well I think I have come to the end of my lecture. Sorry if I sound as though I am giving you orders. I'm told I can be very directive. I am so very happy for you that your life is picking up. Keep up the good work and enjoy.

Mary

[sunset]

Hi,

I thought I should give an update as to how I am. I love reading posts here from others , it's a real boost to know I am not alone with these kinds of feelings. I have so much to be grateful for, it's such a major downer that a lot of the time I can only seem to think about what's wrong with my life, the world and everyone else.

I am definitely in a better place than I was when I started this thread. The job is going alright, me and my partner hardly argue at all anymore, I have pretty much quit drinking alcohol, cut down smoking to 1-2 a day, sleep is ok i think and generally eat very well and get plenty of exercise and reduced caffeine intake a lot. Sometimes I have great days where I am sure I am on the cusp of making a full recovery then wallop, out of nowhere the loop of negative thoughts will start up again like a horrible song playing in my head that I can't turn off. When I am at work and tired, after plodding round for most of the week,  and there are still a few more hours until I can clock off and I am looking at all the grey concrete that surrounds me the intensity of the feelings can become overwhelming.

Evenings are still without a doubt my favorite time of day, that time after eating dinner and before going to bed is when I feel most optimistic. I have continued taking the St Johns Wort, although it's a low dose and some days I go without just to give my system a break. I stopped going to face to face CA meetings, but continue doing them on Skype, really just to chat to and meet other people in a similar situation. I gave up trying to get the 12 steps and the spiritual element of the program it was making me feel even more crazy than I already felt !

[Neil_1]

Hi there Sunset

Wowee, that is such a brilliant post from you and I’m so pleased you have been able to come back and let us know how things have progressed for you.

All the mechanisms that you’ve put in place throughout this recent time are absolutely fantastic and it sounds like you’re really on a positive upward curve.  All that you wrote had me smiling with the good things that you’ve got happening.

Now while all this has happened, you’ve found the occasion where the negative thoughts can creep up out of the blue and smack you.  Now while this is always like a kick in the guts, it IS a good thing and I hope you can see it has a good thing.  So you’ve got all your ‘fighting mechanisms’ in place and they are doing the job they’re supposed to do, but it doesn’t mean you’re totally free of the bad stuff totally – BUT with all that’s happening, those bad times are diminishing.

So again, it was so awesome to read your post and thank you for writing back.

Do hope you can write again whenever you feel like it.  Anytime.  🙂

Neil

[sunset]

Hi,

 Thanks for your kind response Neil1, it's little things like this that can help so much. Things are not going well at the moment, I keep getting sunburnt at work as I am outside all day and I think the St Johns Wort probably has something to do with this as it can cause increased photo sensitivity. I have tried sunscreen but it's just as bad as getting burnt in the end as it keeps getting in eyes.

Does anyone know some detailed science behind how SJW causes photo sensitivity ?

I have tried everything like wearing a hat, trying to stay in the shade, etc but I think my only option now is to reduce or stop taking the SJW and work a split shift, half in the morning and half in the evening. This has upset me quite a lot because the SJW was really helping and now I won't have time to enjoy dinner and quality time with my partner in front of the TV in the evening, it kind of feels like I am at work for the entire day without a break. 

Also, I got a parking ticket earlier today and it sent me into a complete meltdown. I have calmed down now a bit but I just don't know how I will be able to carry on feeling like this. It's like I am trapped under a 600 ton rock / I am actually in hell.

I like the idea of seeing these bad times as some kind of a good thing, but how can they possibly be? Any suggestions for a reason I can tell myself?

 Kind Regards.