Nothing helps

[myfears59]

I like a lot of people here suffer major depression and anxiety.  I cry everyday, feel ill and nervous, hate my life and do not want to be here anymore.  I've been through all the steps taking meds which are sickening and cause so many side effects it's just stupid, I have a Pschycologist, I've seen pschychiatrists, I've been in hospital, I've done writing exercises, mindful practices, exercise, healthy eating, taking vitamins and so much more I haven't written.

I asked my Pschycologist one day when she was giving me advice if she'd ever been through anxiety and depression, her answer was no.  And there you have it, the people that try to help have usually never been through this debilitating mental torture and it's all just text book to them.  I have never felt any relief or felt any better after years of treatment.

 I work full time as a student supervisor/disability support worker, I was a team leader for 6 yrs, I go to work everyday with no passion for my job anymore and hating every minute of it.  My weekends consist of crying and dreading Monday's.  

 I have to work to survive but I wish I could leave, the current team leader is an opinionated, heartless cow who is the managers gay partner so staff do not have a leg to stand on. That is a conflict of interest right there but we can't do anything about it.  I have no back up plan, I'm 56 1/2 yrs old and I do not drive so I can't change services either.

I have 2 daughters and 3 grandkids that live away from home.  I live by myself and I feel alone, isolated and forgotten,  even though my mum and brothers live close by, they have their own lives.  I have no one to talk to, I don't have any close friends and I've been single for 13 yrs after separating from a mentally and emotionally abusive de facto husband of 23yrs. 

 All I know is I hate living, I'm not suicidal though.  Everyday is torture and I know for a fact no treatments work because I've tried it all.  So all I can do is just keep living in hell everyday and wait for this nightmare to hurry and end. 

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[White_Rose]

Dear My Fears

Hello, glad you could write in here. Welcome to Beyond Blue. This will be a brief post as I need to go out. I wanted to welcome you and say I can relate to all that you have written. Hold on. I will write more when I return.

Mary

[mrkd1991]

Hi myfears,

Welcome to BB.

Having read through your post a couple times, I feel as though your loneliness may be sheltering you from recovery.

Feelings of loneliness, withdrawal, abandonment, can quite often cloud over us.

Even with depression and anxiety, being alone further darkens our lives.

Whats the point of getting better, feeling some relief and happiness when theres no one to share it with, feel it with, express it with.

I feel as though some friendly companionship would aid you, even just a little. 

You mentioned you have family close by, perhaps trying to connect with them would be good for you to start with. Once a week, once a month even. A five minute phone call or a two hour dinner. Try and commit to some social time and I think you may feel an improvement, however big or small it may be.

All the best, and good luck. 

[Macka90]

Hi i am writing as my dad suffers chronic depression, he lives by himself in a different state from me and my siblings, he is sick as well which doesn't help his depression, me and my sister call him everyday at least to see how he is, he works in a job he doesn't really like either with his brother and they don't get along very well, but what gets him by is knowing he has 4 children that love him and 10 grandchildren that love him, he lives everyday for us, he does think about ending his life a lot but then he realises the pain he will leave us all in.

I am a suffer of depression and anxiety I have NEVER thought about ending my life, it does get better, it may not be over night or in a few days but it will. 

U might have had no luck talking with people maybe cause u didn't click with them, u should try going to see a GP that u will find on here that specialises in this kind mental illness and they will be able to help u. 

Just writing on here is a big step as people on here are to support u and give advice. 

Please write again. 

[White_Rose]

Dear My Fears

Sorry I could not write more earlier today. I really wanted you to know I care about your difficulties and would like to offer my support if it will help.

I too have a background in disability services. After a while I found it very stressful and found work in a different capacity but same organisation. And I saw the difficulties in a different light. So that's my story.

After 30 years of marriage I finally realised I would not be happy until I left. My husband was also an emotional and mental bully. I have been on my own for 15 years and it gets lonely at times. My four children live a little away from me with one son living interstate. I also have eight grandchildren. I love them all but they cannot be a substitute for managing my life, although there are times when I wish someone take care of me.

For various reasons I have been seeing a psychologist for two years. He is a good psych and has helped me a great deal. Like you I have tried a large number of antidepressants which have no significant effect or have bad side effects. Fortunately for me my GP has found something I can tolerate at a lowish dose and that also helps. So it seems we have been in a similar place, even though our stories are different.

Getting well and staying well is the goal. And it is damned hard. I have had a couple of good days and thought I was doing well. Then I watched a TV program and fell over again. As I write I want to cry and say it's not fair. And it's not fair. Life is not fair. So what can we do about it?

I'm not sure how you get on with your psych. If she only gives advice I would be looking for someone else. Whether or not she has experienced depression should not matter. A psych is supposed to help you understand the various traumas in your life and how you can diffuse the pain and anger the past has caused. Your psych should know that giving advice is pointless.

How have your traumas affected you? What causes your anger and grief and how can you change your thinking? If you walk the same path constantly, triggering your old pain over and over again you will not find peace. Ask your psych how to see matters in a different light. Not by telling what to do but by helping you work this out with their help. It's a fine line for them to walk. And I suspect I have just broken the the advice rule.

Please write in again.

Mary

[Cherpieus]

Hi there,

Your post title of 'Nothing Works' is exactly how I feel.

I am the 'perfect patient'. I do everything I'm 'supposed' to do... take meds, exercise, get out of bed, work, mindfulness, prayer, schedule 'fun' activities, try new things, force myself to be social, walk in the sun, distract myself, listen to uplifting music, see the Dr regularly blah blah blah blah blah.

Not a thing has changed. I am no better. In fact recently due to some additional stress I'm worse.

I'm encouraged that you too continue living even though it's hell. I do this too, mainly because I don't want to hurt anyone.

[user0101]

This is my first ever post here, my first time giving this kind of help a try. Both of these posts really stayed with me after I read them. I related so much. I am in my 30's now and have tried to do all the right things, and sadly am only really recognising my illness clearly for the first time. Despite some success with anti-depressants I find myself right back unable to enjoy anything, I feel terribly alone and awful about everything, the relationships in my life aren't going well and all I can think about is wanting to be alone, at home. I am dragging myself through the days. It's like wading through mud.

[Cherpieus]

Your description about wading through mud is so true. Dragging through the days. 

But pretending to be happy and positive.

It is actually good to hear someone else is going through similar. Although sad at the same time.

[turtles]

I'm currently seeing a counselor, psychologist,psychiatrist and my gp.

I am on medication and have been on multiple of others with no improvement. In fact my last ones stopped working and led to a mental breakdown that i can't manage.